Chapter Seven

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas

She looked down as she suddenly felt the ring slide across her finger.

"You left before I could give it to you," he said. "I was going to give it to you after shift."

"You shouldn't do that," she said swiping at her eyes.

"I asked…you said yes. We just never set a date and I could never make up my mind about the ring."

She stared down at it.

"Marry me," he said again.

"Gil…"

"I love you."

The three little words slipped from his lips as he softly kissed her.

"I love you Sara. Marry me," he said.

She felt the lump in her throat as she tried to swallow. Those three elusive words now belonged to her. She breathed in deeply praying it was not a dream but then reality was much harsher than her dreams these days. As much as she wanted to keep it, she couldn't. It hurt as she started to remove it. She felt his hand on hers.

"I'm not good for anyone right now. I've been broken for so long I never even noticed until… I have to work through this," she said.

"I'm not asking you to go back with me…although I want you to come back….soon…I'm just asking you to marry me. Show me you love me," he said.

"Show you?" she asked.

"Tomorrow…we get a license and get married."

She was not sure how to respond.

"It wouldn't be fair to you," she said.

"Your letter was not fair. I had to accept your goodbye. I won't this time," he said.

It made her cringe.

"Tomorrow?" he asked again.

She felt herself nodding.

"Good, now what were you going to say?"

She wasn't sure what had just happened.

"I think I can sleep now," she said.

"Me too," he said.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Tomorrow, you're Mrs. Grissom."

She woke to the smell of omelets. She rolled over and found the bed cold. She grabbed her robe and walked into the kitchen to find him there staring out at the ocean.

"Morning," she said.

"Good morning," he said as he smiled and turned around. "I didn't want to wake you until breakfast was ready."

He leaned over and kissed her. It was soft and gentle but yet had a sense of anticipation in it.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I've missed your omelets," she said.

They sat and ate while sitting out on the deck. The wind was not as brisk today and the sun was out.

"Finished?" he asked.

She nodded.

He smiled. "We should get ready," he said as he started to get up.

"Gil?"

He turned to look at her.

"We can't do this," she said.

"Do what?"

"Get married."

"Yes…we can."

"I won't do that to you."

"Sara, you make it sound like…"

"You'll be responsible for me…if anything…."

"I'm already responsible."

"No, you're not."

"Are you saying you won't marry me?" he asked letting his voice rise.

"Not now…when…"

"When it's convenient for you? What about my needs Sara? When are you going to take into consideration what I need?"

"I have! I have from the beginning. It's all I've ever considered…what you needed."

Except what you needed…

I need to know you're going to be okay…

I need for you to marry me…

"I need you to marry me….please," he said out loud.

She swallowed hard.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know how to live without you."

Their eyes locked briefly before she quickly looked away.

"At one time we said that was enough. Remember?" he asked coming to kneel beside her.

She leaned back into the chair closing her eyes.

She remembered.

"You're pissed," he said as he leaned against the counter.

"Don't!" she warned as she slammed the glass down on the counter after chugging down the orange juice.

"What do you want…from me?" he asked.

"Nothing!"

He watched as she stormed out of the kitchen and made her way to the living room. She grabbed the jackets that had been thrown across the couch. In three strides, he was there in front of her.

"Sara, talk with me," he said.

"You want to talk now?" she yelled. "I tried to…to talk with you yesterday but you blew me off."

"I didn't blow you off," he said softly. "I just wasn't ready to talk."

"Fine."

She stepped to the side intent to put the jackets in the closet but he blocked her.

"I'm ready to talk now," he said.

"I'm not!"

She dodged him and opened the closet.

"Isn't this a bit childish…I never thought you would resort to temper tantrums," he said.

There was a cool silence that enveloped the house.

Her eyes grew dark and he felt the urge to stand clear of her.

Sara pulled down the jacket she had just hung. She said nothing as she walked to the counter and picked up her phone along with her keys.

She had managed to make it to the door when he had decided letting her go was far worse than facing her fury at this moment.

"You're not suffocating me," he said.

"No, I'm not," she said. "I'm leaving."

He froze.

He didn't like the word.

It could mean too many things.

"Sara, don't leave…like this."

"Get out of my way, Grissom."

"Look, I didn't mean it…like…I was referring to the case…merely an observation," he said.

"Bullshit! Just be honest…you don't want me here," she said.

"That's not true!" he said.

"Yes, it is. I'm not some toy you can put away on a shelf and take down from time to time."

"If you were…a toy…you'd be my favorite," he said.

It didn't help matters as she purposely stepped on his foot to get to the door handle.

"Sara! Wait!"

She stopped and stood there with her eyes closed.

He knew what that meant.

He'd seen her do it several times now.

She was mentally calming herself down and any minute she would blast him with her intellect. She had ways of cutting straight to the issue. He usually lost these arguments. She was brutal but she was honest in her observations.

Where was bullshit when you wanted it?

"You're not ready for this," she said.

She said nothing else.

He waited for the long speech that summed up their entire relationship so concise.

She said nothing more.

She opened the door.

He stood there shaken.

"I'm sorry. This isn't enough," she said. "I thought you would feel different about me by now. Maybe I'm not what you want…or need," she said.

He watched her leave and yet he did not make a move.

He expected her to come back but she didn't.

Her favorite running shoes and sweats along with that damn blanket she dragged around was still there.

He told himself she would come back.

She didn't.

Days passed and yet they went through the motions at work.

She was polite, professional, acted as though nothing was wrong but he knew.

He knew things were definitely wrong.

She wasn't there at the townhouse anymore.

He glanced around and cursed.

She was right.

He wasn't ready for a relationship.

He just wanted to be with her when he felt like it. He didn't want to have to share the good and the bad days. He didn't want to let her see how work affected him sometimes. He had let his pride get in the way.

He knew it would mean letting her fully into his life and he wasn't sure he was ready for that or that he would ever be. He was used to being alone. He enjoyed his solitude.

After days of this solitude, he discovered something.

He no longer liked nor wanted it.

He missed her.

She was surprised when she found him standing by her apartment door.

She said nothing as she opened the door and he stepped inside without permission.

She didn't even have to prompt him to speak.

He acted quickly.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You were right. I was not ready for this."

She felt her chest tighten.

It was not what she wanted to hear.

She wanted him to admit he wanted more of "them."

The last few days had been hard.

She had hoped he would have missed her but now she thought the time away had been more detrimental than helpful and she cursed at herself for taking such a drastic move.

She prepared herself for the worse.

The little voice inside her head told her this was where he would break her heart. It was the same little voice that often warned her that Gil Grissom would break her some day.

She thought the voice was finally right as she stepped back.

"I'll uhm come over and get my things," she said not letting any emotion seep through her voice.

He looked shell shocked.

Minutes passed as neither moved.

"I uhm wasn't ready," he said as he struggled to find the right words. He hated words at time. They never seemed to come when he wanted to say something as important as needed saying at this moment. He knew he could snatch a quote from his memory but the words would not belong to him and he felt as though they needed to come from him. He shuffled for a moment and then looked at her.

"I don't know how to live without you," he said quietly.

She told herself to breathe as she felt her knees go wobbly.

"I don't want to Sara. Is that enough?" he asked.

She slowly nodded as she stood there.

"Yeah, that's enough," she whispered.

"Sara?"

"Being like this…isn't enough," he said.

The tear escaped before she could swipe it away.

Note from author:

Thanks to those who are being faithful and leaving a review for each chapter. It means a lot.

Take care,

Penny