A/N: I have got to get on a more reliable update schedule again. Promise I'll work on that. I have a thing where I try to reach 4 pages for each one shot and sometimes that just can't happen and I need to accept that and live with it. Being a perfectionist is hard.
New thing! I said I would tell people if I referenced back chapters so I'll just give it its own little header at the beginning. Again, back chapters not required to enjoy as these are stand alone but if you wish to refresh what is being referenced in more detail, I'm providing which one you should look at so you don't have to wander about. Some things I lift right out and modify. Gives it all a feel of some continuity and that makes me happy too. I like my plot threads to tie together.
Question and Answer Time: For the occasional question I get in reviews and can't answer through PMs and such. Yes this is indeed a Friendmance. I understand that Chapter 3 is confusing because of the different ways that Fenris is approached to activate his romance. As I understand and have seen, it happens a few different ways. I've always gotten the glowy angry wall pushing one turns into kissing one. Specifics? Act 2 Questioning Beliefs complete Bitter Pill Straight back to Hawke Estate. It's still my favorite approach between the two.
Title: I Am Here
Summary: Expansion on the LI comfort scene that follows the quest All The Remains.
Warning: Um… scene novelization a bit? Short chapter is short.
Chapter Reference: Silences
"I don't know what to say, but I am here." Fenris wasn't so sure what he meant by saying that…after what he'd done to her, what right did he really have to be here now? But he felt compelled to be here and despite his inability to be with her like he thought he needed to be, he did still care for her. She didn't need to be alone through this.
He liked to think that if anyone knew Hawke, it was him. Even with their little romantic fallout a few months back. She would blame herself. Just like Leandra blamed Hawke for the fates of Bethany and Carver, just like Gamlen blamed Hawke for Leandra…it was tradition. Hawke would blame herself because there was no one else left to throw the blame on her. It certainly didn't help the woman's mind that she had been involved in this whole affair from when it first came up years ago.
"Just say something, anything." Anything to keep her from thinking too deeply. She didn't even remember how she had gotten home, just that she was. Briefly she remembered telling her uncle and he had thrown a fit in his own grief, evidence of such in a few broken pieces of pottery and the like.
Her father had told her to take care of the family when he died…and instead she had gotten them all killed. All of them. Carver's need to prove himself her better sent him to his death, dragging Bethany down to the Deep Roads sealed her fate as being a Warden meant being as good as dead, and now she hadn't acted fast enough to save her own mother.
She was the last Hawke. Had spent years building up what once had been lost. To give her family someplace to belong after losing so much, to give her mother back what she had given away to be happy in her own life with her father. Now what was left? A big empty house in an unkind city that took more than it gave. It was an empty feeling so deep she wasn't sure it even had a bottom, so dark she couldn't see anything in it. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"They say death is only a journey. Does that help?" He wasn't good at giving comfort, often refusing it himself. He knew he didn't want pity and assumed that most others did not either. But this was Hawke and he was not going to let her wallow. At least not alone. It was the common saying that 'misery loves company'…who knew misery better than him?
"It just raises questions. Journey to where?" Even Aveline questioned if there was indeed a place to be had at the Maker's side, barring that there was a Maker of course. The thought of her mother wandering the Fade was a horrific idea. The counter thought of her mother happily with Malcolm and Carver once more was more comforting, even if it was idealistic.
"I don't know. It's just something people say." Fenris suppressed a cringe at his blunt statement of truth. It made him seem uncaring when he was everything but. He just…didn't know what to say. Words were not going to make her feel better, they would not change things. "To be honest, I don't think there is much point to filling these moments with empty talk."
That said, silence filled the room, but it was a sort of silence that she was used to when it came to Fenris. Words weren't always needed, he seemed to understand that. She wanted to hear something so that she didn't have to think but even if someone was talking she wouldn't listen and would think anyway.
They sat together, close enough to touch but just enough space to not be so, shifting from time to time. Eventually they both ended up leaning forward with their elbows on their thighs and hands clasped between their knees. Still so close but so far apart…It was a moment when Fenris felt the weight of the agonizing distance he was forcing between them.
Not that he was sure what he would do if things were different. Again, he was not good at comfort, wasn't sure how he would go about it. He just knew that he wanted to give it to her. Somehow. In a way that meant something more than just placating a broken heart. He turned a look to her, furrowing his dark brows slightly and shifting his weight some to bow his head more to get a look at her own bowed face.
She caught his eyes with her own for the barest second and something passed between them, and Hawke shook her head lightly. He was asking her questions without saying a word but unlike the others he let her answers go rather than trying to force her one way or another with them.
His back straightened then, as did hers and they looked at one another fully. He questioned her with his eyes again and she nodded, shifting lightly toward him as he rested his hand on her back. It was all he could think to do…he just couldn't sit there with her and watch her curl into herself. He had said it, he was here for her…but what did empty words truly mean? He was pragmatic and that's why he had been blunt with her on that notion.
It was clear to him that she wanted her moment of misery. She wanted to feel broken, feel the weight of the sadness. She didn't want to bounce right back like she did with everything else, be a follower instead of a leader and let someone else tell her what she needed to do. They both knew that she was blaming herself, thinking there was something else she could have done. Fenris knew for sure that no one would be able to convince her otherwise and shouldn't try. It was something she had to forgive herself for in her own time. That didn't mean however that she had to do it completely alone. Someone just had to be strong enough for her so she could be the follower rather than the leader this time. Everyone else wanted to walk in figurative step with her while she wanted to walk behind them.
Being here for her…he still had no idea what it all meant or what his allowances were. After all, they had history now both good and bad whether they cared to acknowledge it or not. He did know that he was perfectly capable of sitting quietly with her, letting her lean on him as she needed and draw on his strength. He could lead her until she was ready to lead again herself and offer his ever unwavering loyalty and support. If she chose to speak about it, he would listen and talk when asked.
If Hawke chose to forget the moment, pretend that it didn't happen, he would not be the one to bring it up. If she wanted to rage against everything in her path, he would not be the one to run and hide from her. After all she had done for him and all that was and could possibly be between them, he at least owed her this much.
That night was another night he stayed with her in her bedroom; though this time he would watch over her in her restless sleep rather than giving in to base passion and trying to solve a hurt that way. She felt alone in the world now, and he was going to remind her that she wasn't, even if it was as simple as her waking up to him sitting at the end of her bed. He was here. Here felt right. Somewhere inside himself, Fenris knew that he perhaps belonged here as well.
There would be no true 'here' for him yet though and he knew it. He still had things to do, chains to break and a past to settle. But he did know, without question, that 'here' would still be waiting for him. He was scared to think how long the waiting would last but it didn't matter at this moment. Right now, Hawke needed him so he was here and here is where he would stay.
