DISCLAIMER: Much to my dismay, I don't own SM's story or characters. I just like to mess with their clothes, sanity and anything else I can. I do, however own the t-shirt Bella is wearing in this chapter.

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

'Imaginary' - Evanescence

*~* Edward *~*

I did it.

I did what I told myself I would never do.

I told someone what happened.

After telling myself for years that it would never be known to anyone else on the planet, I had let it out and told someone.

I couldn't bear to look at Bella. She seemed frozen in place and I knew that she was staring at me. I didn't want to look into her eyes and see the pity there.

I didn't want that.

I hated pity.

Someone's pity means that the ones who did this to me have won. It means that people feel sorry for what they did to me and I didn't want that. All I wanted was to forget about what happened. Even though, my subconscious doesn't seem to want to let me be.

Going against what my mind was telling me to do, I slowly opened my eyes and looked at Bella. I didn't see what I thought I was going to. There was no anger in her eyes or expression. Instead I saw sorrow, anger and ……… love?

Was that right?

It couldn't be.

"Please say something." I whispered, closing my eyes again. The silence in the apartment was deafening. I could handle anything except this silence. "Please."

"I'm so sorry." She whispered and I could hear the tears in her voice. I looked at her and saw that she had tears running down her face. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

"No." I choked out, shaking my head. "No. You don't have anything to apologise for."

"Yes, I do." She sniffed, looking down at our intertwined hands. "I didn't notice that there was something wrong. I was your best friend. I should have known that there was something wrong, but I didn't. I was a horrible friend, I-"

"No, Bella!" I turned to look at her and she looked up at me, her expression shocked and confused. "This is not your fault. You are not to blame for this. What if you had noticed? You think it would have made a difference to how I was at the time? You think that it would have had an impact on anything?"

"You might not have left." She whispered, her eyes water-logged and wide. "We might have been able to work through things together. I might have been able to help. We might not have lost all those years. There are so many things that might have or might not have happened."

"No, Bella." I shook my head at her sadly, looking away from her. "That wouldn't have changed at all."

"How do you know?" She asked, edging closer to me, squeezing my hand even tighter than before.

"Because I know." I told her, looking back up her. "That's one thing that wouldn't haven't changed."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not the same." I mumbled, glancing down at our hands. "After …… I wasn't the same. I changed. I didn't belong there anymore."

"But you could have done." She insisted and I shook my head. "I could have helped you."

"By the time you came back … I had already started pushing people away. They didn't have the time to listen to me, or they just … didn't want to, I guess. By that point, I couldn't let anyone close to me after that. It was like, I don't know, something just clicked in my head." I looked back up at her and saw that there were still tears running down her face. "That fight with Emmett ……… it solidified everything in my mind, I guess. In that moment, it made sense to leave. And I've never regretted it."

"Never?" She asked, her voice raw and full of hurt.

"No." I whispered, because I truly did not regret moving away. I did regret not contacting them at all over the years, letting them know that I was okay. It wasn't that I hadn't thought about it, because I had, on many occassions, but something always stopped me. Told me that they wouldn't want to hear from me. That my correspondence would be unwelcome. So I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision to leave home.

It was the best decision I'd ever made. Even if it was for the wrong reasons.

"I can't help but feel guilty." She sniffed slightly. "To think that you went through all of that, on your own. But how did you manage to keep it from Carlisle. I mean, they must have known at the hospital who you were from Carlisle. How did you get away with going there. Your father's the best around, they would have known."

"Well, it turns out that Port Angeles doctors go for a really cheap bribe." I nodded, slightly, looking at her again. Her face had taken on a shocked expression.

"You bribed the doctors to stay quiet?" She asked, her voice a shocked whisper. I nodded slowly and she sniffed again. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to know." I replied, taking a breath, hearing the shudder than ripped through my body at the time. "You can't know. You can't understand." My voice was nothing more than a whisper, yet I knew that she'd heard every word I'd spoken.

"Then help me to." She pleaded with me. "Help me to know. Help me to understand. And can you get me some sodding tissues?"

I chuckled slightly, standing up and making my way over to a cabinet grabbing a box of Kleenex and handing it to her. She immediately grabbed three out of the box and wiped her eyes with them, looking at me.

"Help me to understand, Edward." She pleaded as soon as she had control of herself. "Please."

"It doesn't matter how many times I tell you what happened, or how it happened, where it happened or whatever. It won't change anything. You can't understand." I closed my eyes, not wanting to see how she reacted. "You can't understand what it feels like. How it feels to know that someone is finding your pain funny. To laugh at you as someone………" I couldn't say what I was implementing. She seemed to get what I meant anyway. "What it feels like to be …… treated … violated …… in that way and to have someone just … stand there and watch. How humiliating it is to have someone …… doing that to you."

"No." She whispered, and I felt her body move closer to mine. "I wouldn't have understood, but maybe I could have helped you. Please let me try."

"I don't know if I can." I admitted and she sighed, gently resting her head on my shoulder.

"Well……" She mumbled and I could feel her breath on my neck. "You've done what they say is the hardest thing."

"What's that?"

"You've told someone."

I looked up at her and I realised that she was right. They did say that telling someone for the first time was the hardest things. I wasn't sure that was accurate though.

"Whoever said that, obviously hadn't had anything happen to them." I replied sourly. "It's not the hardest thing."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere." She moved her head, resting her chin on my shoulder. "Now that I've found you again, I'm not going to let you go."

"Really?" I looked at her and she smiled at me.

"I'm here to stay."

"Thank you." I managed to give her a small smile and she pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek, just like she used to do. She rested her temple on my shoulder and I rested my head on hers. "Ow!" I looked down to see Nix sitting there, looking up at me, her eyes wide. "Why, you little-"

"Hey." Bella tapped me on the shoulder lightly. "Don't be mean to her. Her Daddy's sitting with another woman. She's feeling left out. She thinks her daddy's abandoning her. She's allowed to be jealous."

"Yeah, but she doesn't have to attack me for it." I moaned, reaching down and grabbing my wannabe assassin of a cat.

"She doesn't know any other way of getting your attention." She chuckled in my ear as Nix poked her head through the slight hole in between my arm and my side, looking at Bella warily.

"She bloody well does." I mumbled, scratching the back of her neck gently. She pulled her head back, settling it on my arm, resting her paw next to her chin, her eyes still on Bella as she spread out on my lap. "She's got her eye on you."

"She sure does." She smiled, holding out her hand to Nix.

"Careful." I warned her as Nix lifted her head up. "She's been really moody over the last couple of days. Emmett and Jasper really did a number on her with the whole banging on my door thing."

"Poor girl." She held out her hand, leaving it just far enough away so that Nix could sniff her fingers if she wanted to, but couldn't reach her should she decide to take a swipe. Good thinking. Nix slowly and cautiously sniffed Bella's fingers, letting out a soft meow as she did so. "What does that mean?" She asked and I shrugged, not having a clue.

I left Nix up to her own devices, sitting there thinking over what Bella and I had spoken about.

"Do you need to go to work?" She asked and I shook my head.

"No. I don't have any appointments for today, and Jake'll phone if something comes up. He knows that I need time at the moment."

"Does Jake …… know?" She asked and I shook my head again.

"No one knows but you." I looked her in the eye, trying to gauge her reaction to my words. "Please don't tell anyone."

"Of course not." She shook her head, smiling at me. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Thank you."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't know how long we sat and talked for, chatting about nothing and everything at the same time. It was strange to be talking to her again. In some ways it was like it had been before everything had happened. The two of us, sitting in one of our living rooms, talking even though we had seen each other practically all day at school.

But in other ways it was completely different. We were learning about each other again. Re-learning, as it were. I found that not a lot had changed with her, other than she was now a qualified teacher. She was starting work at the high school a couple of streets away, but I recalled her telling me that when Alice was getting her tatt done. She was both nervous and excited for when she started in a couple of weeks time. She assured me that should she overhear anyone under the age of eighteen talking about getting a tattoo or piercing, to tell them that they wouldn't be welcome in the shop until their eighteenth birthday. Some of the excuses as to why they hadn't got I.D. with them made me laugh and I swear I heard Bella almost snort when I told her some of them.

It was carefree. Relaxed. A complete one eighty from the conversation we'd been having before.

"So……" She murmured, still chuckling slightly from the story I'd told her about some kid coming and saying that a dog or something had nicked his I.D. That one was one of my favourites to tell because it was so stupid. "Tell me. What do your tattoos mean?"

I looked up at her, not expecting that question at all. "What?" I blinked at her and she giggled again.

"They must mean something." She pressed and I smiled at her. "What do they mean?"

I sighed and held out my forearm, showing her the pixie sitting there, quite happily. "That one is obviously Alice." She nodded, before she motioned for me to take my shirt off. "Is this just a plan to get me to undress for you?" I asked, narrowing my eyes in mock suspicion.

"Damn!" She slapped her thigh, shaking her head. "I thought I was being so sly as well. Dammit."

"I'm on to you, Swan." I smiled at her and she giggled at me, shaking her head.

"You're just too smart for me, Cullen." She motioned for me to show her my ink again. "Come on, off with it."

I sighed, shaking my head before I placed a sleeping Nix on the floor, effectively waking her up and quickly pulled off my t-shirt. I heard her slight intake of breath as she took in the images on my back and I couldn't help but smirk. "See something you like?"

"Um," I could hear her gulp behind me and I wasn't able suppress the chuckle rising in my chest. "Just admiring the, um …… detail."

"If you say so." I chuckled again, turning slightly.

She put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from turning before tracing her finger down my back. "What do they mean?"

"Well, the larger ones on my back represent the people that mean the most to me." I closed my eyes as I felt her put her hand lightly on my right shoulder. "That one, well, I'm guess you can guess who that one represents."

"Emmett?" She whispered and I nodded.

"The rose around its neck represents Rosalie." I told her and she hummed in response.

"This one's strange." She said, her finger running over where I knew the sword and rifle to be. "Is that meant to be anything."

"Who loves anything and everything about the Civil War?" I asked her rhetorically and she giggled in response. "Jasper. And if you notice, the pixie is in alignment."

"I did notice that." She told me. "I'd never thought that the pixie and this one would represent Alice and Jasper. Well, the pixie maybe, seeing as it is an almost perfect rendition of her."

"Almost?" I asked in mock exasperation and she giggled again.

"Well, she's had her hair cut recently." I rolled my eyes, knowing that she wouldn't be able to see me. She might hit me if she saw. "So technically, it's not completely perfect."

"Well, I'm sorry I couldn't design a tattoo that changes hair length along with Alice's." I rolled my eyes again and she laughed again.

"So……" The tone of her voice made my close my eyes and bite my lip. She placed her hand on the heart that lay in direct alignment with my own. "Is this one …… me?"

"Yeah." I whispered, anticipating her reaction.

"What does it mean?" She asked, her gentle caress tracing over the lily.

"Well ...... the heart represents ... me and how I was when I left." I took a deep breath trying to work out how I was going to put that tattoo into words. "The lily ... is you ... You're the only one that ever had the ability to bring me back to life, Bella. That's what the red in the heart, coming down from the lily is. It's you bringing me back to life as you have done before. You always have had the ability to do that."

"Well," She wrapped her hands around my neck and pulled me down so that her chest was pressed to my back. "Hopefully I can do that again."

"Maybe." I mumbled in response.

"What about this one?" She asked, her fingers travelling over my side gently. I looked down to see that she was gently tracing the caduceus on my side, a delicate ring of daisies wrapping around it in different directions.

"My parents." I whispered, and she sighed gently. "The cadeceus because … well, my dad's a doctor, and the daisies because they're my mother's favourite flower. I wanted something that showed their unity."

"It's beautiful." I had to agree with her. "What about this one?" I felt her fingers brush over my right hip and I looked down, seeing the fragment of the poem she was talking about.

The alien scene arrives on scene with Nature's solemn warning
The chain of life put to the knife, no birdsong in the morning
And as we toil with precious oil to make our own pollution
Our suicide may well provide the ultimate solution…
*Full poem at bottom of chapter*

"What's it mean?" She asked twisting so she could read it properly.

"About how the human race is killing itself by existing, and we're taking nature and the earth with us." I explained and she sighed, resting her head on top of mine.

I don't know how long we sat there, her gently holding me to her chest, revelling in the silence. Today had been one of the hardest days of my life, topped only by the night in question.

Telling Bella hadn't been as hard as I knew telling my family would be. They wouldn't be so understanding or willing to let me go at my own pace. I knew that Bella wanted some answers, which I knew that I would most probably give her. She always had a way of getting information out of me without even trying to. She had some hold over me back then, and she still had that same hold over me now.

It was something I knew I was never going to grow out of.

And I'm not sure I wanted to actually.

Suddenly there was a knocking on my door, jarring us out of the comfortable silence that we had been enveloped in. I sighed rolling my eyes. I moved away from Bella, standing up and pulling my shirt on at the same time.

I quickly hunted around for my She-Devil of a cat and found her asleep in her little elevated house thing. Satisfied that she was out of the way, I quickly made my way to the door hoping that it wasn't my family standing on the other side, What I got on the other side was a lot worse in my opinion.

"What are you doing here, Lauren?" I sighed, leaning against my door, indicating that she wasn't welcome.

"That's not a nice way to greet me, is it Eddie?" She stood there in front of me in all her processed plastic glory, batting her eyelashes at me, thinking that it was going to get her somewhere. "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"And why would I do that?" I asked, crossing my arms and leaning against my doorframe.

"We both know that you want me to come inside." She lowered her voice, running a too long, fake nail down my chest, making me shiver with the fact that it was pure creepiness. She mistook the shiver for a good thing and smirked at me. "You see. We both know what you want."

She pushed my door open and made her way past me. "What is it with people coming into my apartment uninvited?" I mumbled to myself, leaving the door open, purely because Lauren would not be staying for more than a minute. If I hadn't had some semblence of the manners that my mother drilled into me when I was younger, then I would have physically stopped her from walking into my apartment.

As it turned out, I could be a gentleman when the time called for it.

Though my patience was wearing thin.

I walked into my apartment to find Lauren standing there staring at Bella, who had Nix sitting in her lap. Bloody cat. So fickle. I was glad that she had decided she liked Bella though. Made things easier.

"Eddie." Lauren turned and looked at me. "Who is this?" She looked as though her head would fly off, which being honest, would be incredibly funny to see.

"This is Bella." I sighed, shooting Bella and apologetic look. "And my name is Edward. Not Eddie."

"What is she doing here?" She sneered, looking at Bella, who looked as though she was about to explode due to the laughter she was holding in. In her defense, Lauren did look stupid, and she was an idiot.

"Lauren, it has nothing to do with you." I folded my arms, trying not to laugh at how she huffed and puffed in front of me.

"But… but…"

"But?" I raised my eyebrow, daring her to challenge me.

I looked between Lauren and Bella – who was now standing, a purring Nix in her arms – and noticed how very different they were.

Everything about Lauren was fake. From her hair to her nails. Her extensions were tacky and a completely different shade of blonde to her natural colour. She had obviously had work done on her nose, tits and probably her ass. Wouldn't surprise me. I knew for a fact that she only had the tatt on her back because she wanted me. Something she still didn't have and was never going to have. She was wearing clothes that were obviously designer and covered way too little flesh.

Everything about her screamed poser. Fake.

Then there was Bella. She was standing there in her baggy jeans and an Enter Shikari t-shirt. Good taste there. She was the complete opposite to Lauren and I was thankful for that. Everything about her was natural. Her mahogany hair fell to almost her waist in the loose ponytail that it was up in, and I knew that there was a good chance it would fall past it once the ponytail was taken out. Her brown eyes were deep and bottomless, even without the aid of makeup.

She was truly beautiful.

"Aren't you going to ask her to leave?" Lauren demanded, standing there with her arms crossed, tapping her foot on the floor, irritating me.

"No." I shook my head, my arms still crossed in front of me. "She was here first, and being completely honest, Lauren, I don't want you here. Go away."

Her mouth fell open in a way that was purely comical. "I know you don't mean that, Eddie." I rolled my eyes at the use of the name I had told her I didn't want to be called, not more than a minute ago. In one ear and out the other with her isn't it? "I know you don't really want me to leave."

"What part of 'go away' don't you understand, Lauren?" I rolled my eyes at her stupidity and she huffed at me again.

She resigned herself to straightening herself up and storming out of my apartment, not before she had creeped me out by running a finger down my arm, and whispering that she'd be back when Bella was gone. If that was the case, I never wanted Bella to leave.

I closed the door behind her, pushing the deadbolt across and making sure the door was securely shut before I walked intot he living room, finding an amused Bella sitting there fussing over my cat.

"Mind explaining?" She asked, her voice mock hurting.

"There's nothing to explain." I flopped down on the chair, my legs dangling over the side and Nix immediately jumped off of Bella, and made her way over to me.

"Where did you find her?" She asked, watching me closely.

"She came in about six months ago, wanting a tatt, so I stuck a TS on her and she hasn't left me alone since." I sighed, shaking my head. "Seriously, it's getting to stalker status now."

"What's a TS?" She asked, looking confused.

"A tramp stamp." I clarified and she shook her head at me, clearly not understanding what that was. "The tattoo that some have at the bottom of their backs. It's called a tramp stamp." Her mouth made the cutest little 'oh' shape as she understood what I was talking about.

"So nothing's actually happened with her?" She asked, her face turning into a smile.

"Apart from the fact I've had her under my gun. And that's not metaphor." I added as she started giggling.

"I am so glad about that." She giggled, putting Nix down so that she could laugh without upsetting her.

"That's right." I sighed, folding my arms and leaning on the wall. "Laugh at my expense."

"Oh, I'm not laughing at you." She giggled. "I'm laughing at her and the situation."

"Uh-huh." I nodded, rolling my eyes.

"You know that I would never laugh at you." She giggled and I narrowed my eyes at her, not believing her for a second.

"Really?" She nodded as I scowled at her. "Well, that's a lie." I noted and she stopped laughing immediately, her face growing confused and aggravated at the same time.

Is it wrong of me to think that she was really cute that way?

No?

That's good then, isn't it?

"How do you work that out?" She asked, putting the cat down and mimicking my pose, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've never laughed at you."

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" I smirked at her, watching her brow furrow in confusion.

"When did I ever laugh at you?" She asked, her confusion clear in her tone.

"You're forgetting most of our childhood if you think that you didn't laugh at me." I raised my eyebrows at her and she immediately took on a defensive attitude.

"Hey, now!" She pointed a finger at me. "You can't expect me to apologise for those times, can you?" She asked and I chuckled lightly.

"I'm not asking you to apologise for them." I made my way over to her slowly, and I could see her eyes darting around, knowing what I was about to do. She was looking for an escape, hating that I was backing her into a corner. "But I am going to exact my revenge."

"Edward." She warned and I only chuckled, stepping towards her again. "Don't."

"Why?" I asked, sounding completely innocent. "What are you going to do to stop me?"

"I'll scream." She threatened and I laughed again. "I will."

"And?" I shrugged slightly and she gulped, knowing that she had nowhere to go. "Not like anyone's going to hear you."

Without any warning, I pounced at her and she shrieked, not prepared for it. I grabbed her around the waist, digging my fingers into her sides and wiggling them, holding her in place as she tried to wriggle free.

"Edward!" She squealed, hitting me as hard as she could from where she was in my arms, whilst laughing at the same time. Let's just say that the defense wasn't good on her part. I only laughed and tickled her harder.

She squealed and kicked out at me, managing to get a lucky hit in, catching me behind the knee. Whether or not it was actually 'lucky' or strategically planned – which knowing Bella wasn't likely – it worked and we landed in a tangled mess on the floor.

I threw my hand out, trying to catch onto something, to lessen the fall, but failed miserably and the two of us slammed onto the ground, laughing – even though I think I might suffer from a minor concussion later on or whatever – her on top of my, giggling like ….. well, Alice.

She looked down at me, still smiling and I couldn't help but grin back. It was just like we used to be. This had been normal for us, and even though I knew that I had wanted us to be more, and on some level, I still did, I knew that she didn't and I could live with that. At least I thought I could.

They next thing I knew, she had dipped her head down and her lips landed on mine lightly. Her lips were so soft and I couldn't help but want more. We stayed like that for a few minutes, our lips moving slowly in complete synchronicity. She flicked her tongue against my lips and I parted them, allowing her tongue to slip inside my mouth. I felt rather than heard her gasp when her tongue encountered the bar running through my tongue. I held in a smirk at her reaction. Hell, I had to thank Seth for convincing me to get that some of a bitch. It might have hurt like a motherfucker, but still, it was paying off now.

Suddenly her lips disappeared and I opened my eyes to see her looking down at me, a look of horror on her face. "Oh my god, Edward, I'm so sorry." She whispered, closing her eyes and scrambling off of me. "I should go."

"Why?" I asked her, getting to my feet after her, following her through

the apartment.

"Because I …… I'm sorry." She buried her head in her hands, shaking her head from side to side slowly, sounding as though she had committed the most heinous crime known to man.

"What for?" I asked, completely and utterly confused.

"Because, you told me what happened to you all those years ago, and here I am ……" She sighed and shook her head at me, her eyes wide and horrified at her actions, though I couldn't fathom why.

"I didn't exactly freak out and throw you off me, did I?" I asked her and she looked at me confused.

"I can't, Edward." She whispered before she put her shoes on and disappeared out the door.

What the hell had just happened here? I thought, frustrated, running my hands through my hair. I followed her out to the hallway, but once I reached my door, she had disappeared. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

One minute she's kissing me and the next she can't get out of here fast enough. What the hell was going on?

'You told me what happened to you all those years ago…'

I slouched against the wall, sliding down it and burying my head in my knees, my hands gripping at my hair. She was freaked out by what had happened to me. She couldn't handle it. I knew that I shouldn't have told her. I knew that this was something I should never have shared with anyone else. Let alone Bella.

Now I had lost her. Again. She was the only girl that I had ever had any kind of feelings for. Yes, there were fucks here and there … well, every time I went out but I never felt anything for any of them. They were meaningless to me. None of them were particularly memorable.

But Bella.

I remembered everything about her.

I remembered the way her hair always smelled of her favourite strawberry shampoo and how she always cut a banana into slices before eating it, complaining that it was just creepy if she didn't. I remembered the way she would bite the right side of her lip if she was nervous about something and the left side if she was working something out. I remembered the way she twirled her thumb around her index finger when she was watching a movie and how she always kept to the right of the stairs when going up or down.

I remembered each and every one of her little quirks.

And now, I had ruined what I had with her because I'd opened my big, fucking useless, dirtbag mouth. If I had kept my mouth shut hen she would still be here.

Of course she didn't want to be anywhere near me anymore. I was damaged goods. I was tainted. I had been since that night in Port Angeles. I had told myself that I wouldn't let those bastards ruin my life anymore. But they were. I didn't matter where I was or who I was with, what they had done to me still hung over my head, marked on my side for the rest of my life.

I couldn't escape what they'd done to me. I never would.

I was a freak.

And now Bella knew it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey, dude." Seth waved his hand in front of my face, laughing as I smacked it away, muttering at him to 'fuck the hell off', or something to that effect.

It had been a week since Bella had run out of my apartment, and I hadn't heard a single thing from any of them. Not even Alice or my parents, which I thought was weird, because I had been under the impression that they actually wanted to see me. I couldn't understand why though. I had fucked them over all those years ago, why should they still care?

I cringed internally at my choice of words, realising too late that they did, in fact, hit closer to home than I wanted them to.

"What the hell has gotten into you lately, dude?" Seth asked as he packed up his station. It was nearly closing, only about ten minutes left to go and Seth and I were the only ones here. Jake's girlfriend, Mae, hadn't been feeling too well over the last couple of days, so he had taken today off to look after her.

"Nothing." I mumbled, walking into my back room and sitting in the chair at my station. "Just got some stuff on my mind."

"Wanna talk about it?" Seth asked, turning one of the chairs I had at the small desk around and straddling it, crossing his arms over the back and resting his chin on them.

"What are you? My own personal shrink?" I joked half-heartedly. He could tell that I wasn't as into it as I normally was. He could tell that there was something wrong.

"Nope." He grinned at me. "Just a good friend."

"I appreciate it, Seth, but……" I trailed off, not wanting to do this now, or ever in fact.

"I get it." He nodded, sitting back slightly. "Personal shit." I nodded and he looked at me in understanding. Seth had been through a lot in his childhood. It made my problems look like a cake-walk. What with an alcoholic father and a crack-addict mother, being taken from them at age twelve and being shipped from foster home to foster home time and time again before he finally turned eighteen and was chucked out on his own. The only thing that hadn't happened to him, was what had happened to me. And I was fucking grateful for that. No one should have to suffer the humiliation that I did.

"Pretty much." I mumbled, looking up as the door chimed, indicating that someone had entered the shop.

"I'll get rid of 'em till tomorrow." He grinned at me and I nodded, watching him leave the room.

I heard him telling whoever it was that we were closing and unable to do anything at the moment and to come back tomorrow. My head shot up when I heard the familiar tones of my brother travelling through the air from the front of the shop.

"Seth." I called, making my way out to the front of the shop, seeing that I was right and saw Emmett standing there talking with Seth. He was surprisingly calm, and I wondered what the hell was going on. Even though his face had a neutral expression, his eyes were murderous and I wondered what the fuck I'd done wrong now. I just seemed to be accumulating a long list. "It's okay. Go home, I'll finish up here."

"Are you sure?" He asked, his gaze flicking from me to Emmett. I nodded and he slowly made his way to the back before he grabbed his bag and his jacket. "See you tomorrow, Ed."

I nodded in response, waiting for him to walk out the door and disappear past the window before I faced Emmett again. "What do you want?"

"I want to know what the fuck you did." He practically growled at me.

"What do you mean 'what the fuck I did'?" I asked, letting go of the calm façade that I had in place for Seth's benefit.

"To Bella."

"I did fuck all to Bella." I replied, gritting my teeth.

"Then would you care to explain why she has been moping around for the last week, after going to see you at your apartment?" He asked, crossing his arms, raising his eyebrows.

"Bella asked me some questions and obviously didn't like the answers." I told him honestly. It was true after all. She had bolted for those reasons. She couldn't handle the fact that I was raped before I left Forks. She couldn't bear to be in the same room as someone that had been tainted in that way. Could I blame her? No. I couldn't. I would probably be the same way.

"What the fuck did you tell her?"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. "I told her why I left Forks. She obviously didn't like the answer."

"Why did you leave then, Edward?" He asked, his curiosity peaked. "Come on, tell me."

"No." I whispered and he chuckled darkly.

"So you can tell Bella, but you can't tell your own flesh and blood." He asked the rhetorical question with something I couldn't place present in his tone. "Why is that?"

"Because I thought that Bella wouldn't be judgemental." I admitted, my eyes meeting his for the first time. "I thought that she would be able to understand even a little bit, but as it turns out …… I was wrong." It hurt to admit that, even to myself, but it was true. I had been wrong about Bella. I had been wrong the whole time. I had thought – or rather, hoped – that she would be able to see past the rape and see me for who I was. But as it turned out, I was wrong.

Just like I was always fucking wrong.

"Why do you think that we would judge you?" He asked, his tone softer than it had been since I had seen him again. "You're our brother-"

"And that's exactly why you would." I interrupted him. "I couldn't, and still can't, tell you because of the fact that you will be judgemental. All of you. No matter how hard you try not to be. It's inevitable."

"So why did you think that Bella was any different?" He asked, and I shrugged, shaking my head.

"I don't know." I whispered, closing my eyes. "I guess, I thought that …… there was still something of that old friendship there." I sighed heavily, flopping down on one of the leather sofas that we had in the front of the shop. "I guess, like I am about everything else …… I was wrong."

I looked down at the ground, feeling a wet drop hit my hand, which was laced with the other in front of me, my elbows resting on my knees.

"Hey." Emmett whispered, sitting down next to me. "I'm sorry." He sighed wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "I know I've been a bit …… I don't know …… ogre-ish, since we first saw you in that bar-"

"A bit?" I snorted and he chuckled.

"Touché." He replied and I sighed gently. "But it's only because I've been worried shitless for the last ten years, not knowing if my baby brother was alright. Not knowing if you were living the high life, if you were married, if I was an uncle, or even if you were lying in the hospital or a ditch somewhere. Hell, we didn't know if you were even alive, Edward. There wasn't a day where I didn't wonder where the hell you were." I couldn't look at him, knowing that I'd hurt him in this way. I should have known that Emmett wouldn't be as untouched by my disappearance as I thought he was. Even under all the muscle, he was as soft as anything. "And then, I guess, seeing you here, after all this time, it kind of …… sparked something in me. That first night, I was torn. Part of me wanted to pummel you into the ground for leaving like you had and the other half of me wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around you and shout at the top of my lungs that I had found my baby brother."

"So you listened to the first half." I stated and I felt him nod beside me. "You always were a 'fists first, talk later', kind of guy."

"I know." He sighed, gripping my shoulder tighter. I wanted to tell him that there was a bear representing him right underneath where his hand was, but now didn't seem like the appropriate time to bring that up. "I'm sorry about that."

"You nearly ripped out my lip ring." I moaned and he chuckled slightly. A sound I missed hearing.

"I said I was sorry." He whined, just like he used to do when he was little. "In all seriousness, Edward. What happened to make you change? What happened to make you leave?"

"Emmett." I whispered, hearing the hoarseness there. "I …… I can't tell you." I shook my head and he sighed. "I want to tell you. You have no idea how much, but I just …… can't. It's too hard."

"Alright." He squeezed my shoulders again and I couldn't help but wonder where all of this had come from. Last week he had been ready to beat me into a bloody pulp and now he was sitting here in my shop, his arm around me being all comforting and understanding. I swear I will never understand my brother. "So…… Bella tells me you have a tatt that's … me."

I looked at him and saw that he had a smirk on his face and an eyebrow raised. I couldn't help but chuckle at him. "Yeah, I do." I confirmed and he grinned at me.

"Can I see?" He asked and I nodded, turning around and stripping off my shirt, indicating which one was him. He seemed pleased, which was good and I couldn't help but hope that everything would be okay. They wouldn't let the topic of why I had left go, but something in me hoped that I would be able to work up the courage to tell them what had happened. And that they wouldn't abandon me again.

But did I deserve to hope?

The Final Solution

In frozen rows our embryos await their animation,
Such orphans may, one sorry day, perpetuate our nation.
No matter that those so begat will never know their mothers,
And young maids grown will soon be shown to marry with their brothers.

From more alarming human farming, multi-birth disasters,
Bred for their parts, pigs lose their hearts to save their ailing masters.
While cancer finds so many kinds of unforgiving ills,
Still farmers keep Chernobyl sheep on panoramic hills.

Did God surmise what might arise from man's ill-fated birth?
Our tears too late, we contemplate the agony of earth.
As we increase to sit obesely worshipping the screen,
We seek to feed our hungry breed whatever that might mean.

Frenetic hens fill tiny pens, while calves forlorn and friendless,
Await their fate in meagre crate, the cruelty is endless.
Each boat that sets gigantic nets makes oceans feel the strain,
It is, we learn, quite wrong to turn a forest into plain.

Metallic trees torment the breeze to satisfy our needs,
And roads that scar are cut too far - now see how Beauty bleeds.
Where nitrate creeps and Nature weeps her poisons to the shore,
Not I think just a blink in the eye of time but an ever-running sore.

The aliene gene arrives on scene with Nature's solemn warning,
The chain of life put to the knife, no birdsong in the morning.
And as we toil with precious oil to make our own pollution,
Our suicide may well provide the ultimate solution...

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