Many thanks to Misty, Harmony and the others that came out and showed us their support...we appreciate it more than you know.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…


Chapter 7: A Walk Along Memory Lane

About an hour after his traumatic visit with Dr. Gorma, Keith finally slips back into bed. He read the directions the doctor gave him, in a few hours Lila would get her second dosage of the antibiotic.

Lila had fallen asleep almost immediately; a testament of how tired and sick she felt. Unfortunately for Keith, he was too wired and couldn't fall asleep even if he wished.

'Pidge was right, I was lucky Gorma was there.' If this infection had taken place on Earth he wouldn't have known who to take Lila to. He wouldn't have even had Pidge to, in a way, comfort him. 'God, I hope I know what I am doing.' He finds himself thinking. Shaking the thought away, he looks over at the journal sitting on his nightstand and picks it up. "Might as well," he tells himself and turns to the section he left off at.

Dear Diary,

I think the heavens dropped a blessing for me. At first it didn't look that way, Zarkon decided to invade today. Not, Lotor, but the father himself. I have no idea why. My guess, he is fed up with Lotor always getting the shit beaten out of him. Yes, I said shit! I can't use this word out loud. Nanny would kill me, but I'm free to use whatever I want here!

Anyway, we thought we were losing, it looked grim. Keith was fighting with all his strength. I could see the frustration on his face from the viewscreen. I wanted to help, I wanted so desperately to help him. And then…I did.

When the robeast was about to lunge at us, I flew up to its face and used the stingray missiles to blind it. It happened so quickly…I don't know what came over me. I just saw the opportunity. That thing seemed so engrossed at targeting Black lion that it didn't even see me coming!

After the battle, in the control room, Keith ran up, picked me up, and told me how proud he was of me! Keith! I honestly thought he was going to kill me, but instead he hugged me, congratulated me and kissed me…on the forehead of course, but he's never kissed me!

God, could this mean something? Is he finally seeing me in a different way? I think so! I really, really think so!

Keith closes his eyes, remembering that day. 'I was proud of her. It was the first time that she actually took the lead, her thought process and reaction time were perfect. She was wonderful, but it wasn't what she thought.' He turns the page to the next entry.

Dear Diary,

Just a quick note before I go to bed. Practice is extra early tomorrow. Keith says he wants to finish the day early. He's told everyone he is bringing a guest to dinner tonight. I wonder whom? Maybe someone from the Garrison? Coran would have mentioned something…but even he doesn't know. I asked the other guys but they don't seem to know either. Well, I think Lance does, but he's not saying a word. I'm curious…but I guess I'll find out soon enough. I think I'll wear my new green dress tomorrow. I want to make a good impression. After all, I want this guest to see that I can be a great companion for Keith. Talk to you soon!

"Oh God," Keith sighs, knowing full well who that guest was. "She sounded so happy too." He whispers to himself as he sees the happy faces she drew around the entry. He turns the page, knowing full well what to expect, but is quickly surprised. The writing is incredibly distorted and he isn't able to understand it.

"What?" he asks himself dumbfounded. He then tries to read it out loud, but not too high as to not wake up Lila.

"I…fled. I…flew…? I…failed…I failed!"

"I…loved…listed…loud….what the hell does this say?" He speaks to himself, noting not only the distorted words, but also how the ink seems to run through the words because of the watermarks around them which he believes are teardrops.

It takes him some time to deduce the words, but after a while he finally is able to read the next short entry.

I failed, I failed.
I lost.
He doesn't love me. I am nothing to him.
Alone, alone, alone…..I'm nothing.

"Oh God," he sighs in frustration. He turns to the next page, looking to see if there are any more entries regarding the subject, cringing at what will come next.

Dear Diary,

Keith brought his friend yesterday for dinner. Her name is Jocelyn and he presented her as his fiancée. His fiancée…I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what to say. When he presented her to me, I trembled as I looked at his eyes. He looked so happy, so incredibly happy. He didn't know….he didn't know that with each smile, each shine his eyes ignited, dimmed mine.

I don't even know what he did or what he said; I just smiled and nodded. Jocelyn, the woman he truly loves, just smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy as well. She's beautiful too. She has long auburn hair, about the length of mine. Her eyes are a light hazel, almost green in hue. She's a little taller than I am and a little curvier. She's funny too and seems to control the room just like Keith. She's everything I am not. I can see why he loves her. I am not as gregarious or extroverted. I can't be as free as she is.

During dinner the attention was on her. I continued smiling and even laughing at things everyone said. I don't know what they were, as if on cue I laughed when they laughed. I was the perfect actress tonight. I smiled and presented myself nicely, as my heart crumbled.

I keep thinking about this mask I wear for everyone around me. My face is a mask. Only you see the real me. Only you see who I really am…

I wear a mask so the world can't see my face is full of sorrow.
I wear a mask so the world can see, only a face full of smiles.
Gracefully I apply the mask, determined to hide my pain.
I wear a mask to hide my love, which will never be accepted.

Diary, I'm glad I wore my mask tonight, Coran taught me so well. I just hope I have the strength to continue on. I have to, I have no choice.

Allura

Keith closes the journal, putting it back on his nightstand, noticing his hand shaking as he places the book down. So much sadness in this last entry, he almost wept himself. 'A mask. All that time she wore a mask, hiding everything from me. I was killing her slowly. I did this to her.' He could have continued reading but was afraid to read any more atrocities he had done to her.

Instead he closes his eyes and prays. He prays for her, he prays for his deceased wife and for his daughter. Mostly, he prays that God forgives him for what he has done and for the other things he did that he doesn't yet know of.


Keith did not get any sleep until he had finally given Lila the second dosage of the prescribed medication. It was then that his nerves finally calmed down and he was able to rest. Lila finally woke him about a quarter to ten. Picking her up, he checked on her and found that the fever had finally lowered and it was then when he let out a deep sigh of relief.

He was exhausted. Never in his thoughts did it occur to him that he could feel so scared about Lila being sick. When Jocelyn flat lined after giving birth, he was scared as hell, but last night...with Lila...that same feeling came back, but three times stronger and harder. Losing Jocelyn was heartbreaking; to lose Lila...that would completely destroy him.

"That's how she felt." he tells himself remembering the last entries he read last night in Allura's journal. It was then that he hears a knock on the door. He carefully puts the baby down in the crib and walks over to the door. He smiles after he opens the door and finds a very worried looking Nanny trying to peek into his room, "Gorma told me Lila is ill. Is she all right?"

"She's better. Thank you," he replies knowing full well what the governess would like to do, but also knowing she's afraid to ask.

"Nanny," Keith begins, "Would you please take care of Lila today? I mean, if you can. I'm very tired, didn't sleep much and if you can, then I'll be able to hopefully spend more time with Allura."

Nanny's eyes light up. "Of course! I shall first bathe her and then give her breakfast. Don't you worry Commander, Nanny's here to help." She immediately walks into the room to check on the girl.

If Keith felt any better, he'd laugh, but he was exhausted and frustrated. Too many questions, too many things he hadn't seen. He believes that's what bothers him the most. He hadn't seen anything!

"Nanny, I'm taking a shower. Here's Lila's bag and that drawer over there has her clothes…"

"Don't you worry; you leave that baby to me. She'll be better by the end of the day." she answers, already taking the baby bag and putting all the necessary things in it. "Go do whatever you need to do Commander. Rest if you must, I will leave in a few minutes."

"I'm going to shower; I'm tired, but not sleepy." He went to his own drawer and picks up a few things before heading into the shower. "Thank you."

The old woman smiles. "That's what family is for Commander." she states to him before she quickly turns and goes back to her duty.

Surprised by the remark, Keith finds himself at a loss of words. Knowing that Nanny does not expect a reply, as she continues gathering Lila's things, he turns and heads into the bathroom.


After his shower, Keith quickly heads to Lance's room. He needs answers. That night...the one he read about in Allura's journal was fresh in his head. He just couldn't believe that she had hidden her feelings so well. He thought she was as happy as he was. He never saw anything, not even the slightest clue that Allura felt the way she did that night.

Arriving at Lance's room, he bypasses the security code and enters. Finding his friend asleep in his bed, he pulls out the covers and orders him awake, "Lance, wake up, I have to talk to you."

"What the hell!" Lance exclaims. "Oh, fuck you Keith. I just got back from patrolling three hours ago." he yells, yanking the covers from Keith and pulling them back over him.

"Lila has an ear infection and I had to rush her to MedTech last night. I've gotten as much sleep as you. The only difference is that I will allow you to go back to bed once I'm through talking."

"Is she ok?" Lance asks, now concerned.

"She's fine. Nanny's taking care of her today."

Lance grimaces and takes his sheets back, "Then why are you here? Go get some rest."

Keith takes a seat on a chair in Lance's room, "I can't, I need to speak to you."

"About what?"

"About the night Allura met Jocelyn." Keith replies.

"Ahh," Lance murmurs as he sits up in his bed. "I'm guessing you got to that part of the journal."

Nodding, Keith continues, "I need to know what you remember from that night."

Lance shakes his head as he runs his hands through his tousled hair, "Keith...that was almost a year ago...I don't think I can remember much."

"Try…" Keith demands. "Lance, I have to know. I'm going crazy. I keep asking myself, how blind was I to not see Allura's behavior? I never miss anything, yet...I missed everything with her. Please Lance...I need to know if what she wrote matches that night or if she's making this whole thing up in her head."

Sighing Lance looks at Keith, "I don't remember too much, but I do remember that she was extremely curious as to who you were bringing that night..."

Allura and Lance walked along the hallway toward the dining hall. Lance walking a couple of steps ahead of Allura, smiling as the Princess begged one more time for him to answer her request.

"Come on Lance, please! Tell me who Keith is bringing."

"Allura, I told you, it's a surprise. Believe me, Keith will be here in a couple of minutes and you'll find out soon enough."

"Is it a family member, another friend from the academy...come on! Just a small clue, I promise I won't tell him you told me. " she told him as she walked ahead of him and stopped him. She winked and a little smile crept onto her lips. "Pretty please..."

At this Lance chuckled, "Boy, you are something else."

"So you'll tell me?" Her eyes widened with excitement.

"Nope!" he answered, taking her hand and guiding her to the dining room, "You are just going to have to wait like the rest of us."

"Easy for you to say…" she replied sarcastically, "You already know!"

"No I don't."

"Liar!" she pouted.

"So she really wanted to know who was coming." Keith sits back in his chair. "And you never told her?"

"No way! I know what an asshole you are when others know your business, so I wasn't about to blab and have her tell you later that I blew the whistle before you did." Lance protests as he begins yawning.

"So what happened at dinner, when Jocelyn and I entered?"

Lance grows silent for a bit, searching through his mind for that night that now seemed so long ago. "Well...since I knew, I kind of did see the expressions of everyone around when Jocelyn came in with you. I wanted to kind of make fun of everyone's shock."

"Did you see Allura's?"

Nodding, Lance answers, "Yes. Back then, I didn't quite read it as I do now. I guess that she did react rather hurt by Jocelyn's presence."

Keith's eyebrows arched, "Tell me more."

"Well, when I saw her, it's like her eyes dimmed. That excitement, that energy, that she had moments earlier, just extinguished; I can now see it..."

Keith walked in to the dining room with a beautiful woman. Holding hands, the two had smiles on their faces that lit the room.

"Thank you for waiting for us," Keith began, "I'd like all of you to meet Jocelyn Gallant, my fiancée."

"What!" Pidge almost yelled. "Is this for real?!"

"Yes," Keith smiled blissfully. "Jocelyn, this is Pidge and Hunk." Keith pointed to both his friends. "This is the castle advisor Coran. You know Lance already, and this...this is Princess Allura."

Lance noticed everyone's faces, happy that the surprise was accepted by all. He watched as Jocelyn made her way first toward Allura.

"It is such an honor to meet you." Jocelyn's hazel eyes sparkled. Her grin couldn't hide her awe and happiness at meeting Allura.

Lance then saw how Allura's eyes suddenly looked glassy as if about to cry. She let out a small gasp but then, in an instant, her whole demeanor changed and she came back to life. "I'm so happy to meet you too Jocelyn. Congratulations...to both of you!" she smile then hugged first Jocelyn and then Keith.

"Keith, like I said, I thought at first it was maybe shock from your announcement, but now...I believe she felt hurt."

Sighing, Keith's frustration was evident, "Shit."

"Hey, it's not like you knew anything. No one did." Lance tells him leaning back against the headboard. "I didn't even pick it up. I'm just realizing it now. Man, Coran taught her incredibly well."

"No kidding."

"I've never known anyone who could mask feelings so well. I honestly thought you were a pro, but she beat you."

Keith rolls his eyes at the last statement; there was too much going on to start psychoanalyzing his own behavior. Instead, he ignores it, "I do remember something now."

"What?" Lance questions him, staring at how Keith seems to travel back just as he had.

"Allura hugged me, but it felt...different."

"What do you mean different?"

Half smiling, Keith theorizes, "At first I thought Allura was overwhelmed with happiness for me, but now..."

After dinner, Nanny comes out with dessert. "I've brought a special dessert for the occasion. Lance told me that tonight needed to be special, so I made the Captain's favorite, Tiramisu."

"What's tiramisu?" Jocelyn whispered to Keith as Nanny began serving everyone at the table.

"A great tasting dessert my love," he whispered in her ear. Then he kissed her on her cheek. She laughed and smiled at him. "Thank you Nanny." he answered the governess as she headed out the door. Keith turned to see Allura's eyes staring back at him. He thought for a moment they were filled with sadness, such despair, that he was about to ask to speak to her in private when all of a sudden she stood up.

"I'm so sorry. I've been fighting a headache all day and I hate to say it, but it has gotten worse. Would all of you greatly mind if I excuse myself for the night?"

"Not at all Princess. I'll send Nanny…" Coran replied with a bit of concern before Allura cut him off.

"Oh no need Coran. I'll be fine. You know me, I always pull through." she smiled sweetly. She turned over to Jocelyn, "Jocelyn, I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening with our crazy little family...your family now."

"Thank you Princess." Jocelyn smiled back as she squeezed Keith's hand. "And thank you so much for your hospitality."

"No need to thank me. Please consider this your home." Allura nodded.

Keith stood up, "Princess, thank you."

"You're welcome, Keith." She answered as she turned to Jocelyn as she stood up. "Congratulations again." Allura told the other young woman as she gave her a quick hug. She turned to Keith, "And you...Keith. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I really do." Her voice almost cracking as she tightly hugged him. With that, she bid everyone goodnight and left the room.

"When she hugged me I thought it was because she was happy for me." Keith states as his eyes meet Lance's.

"Maybe it was her way of telling you goodbye." Lance guessed.

Nodding, Keith finally saw it. "Her mask."

"Her mask?" Lance questioned, "What do you mean by that?"

"Something she wrote in her journal." Keith added 'She put on her mask.' "Thanks for your help." He stands up and heads to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to see someone else."

"Who?"

"Jocelyn."