Author's note : First of all, I'm an soooo sorry for not updating :-( But thanks for the reviews !!!
Why this long break? I had my finals and then I took a few days away... and I needed to have my muse back. I think she is... :-) Hopefully !
Disclaimer : I do not own Hannah Montana.
Solitary and Vulnerable, Chapter 6
"Yes, the first girl I ever loved is right here, in this room." Ambiguous enough to not let the truth reveal itself. And, it's also the truth... part of it, but still! No lie! Well done Stewart. I'm quite proud of myself.
I feel Emma squeeze my hand in happiness and I look at her, but my heart goes to Lilly.
Crisis avoided!
"So, it's Emma then?" Rachel asks, just to be sure... or maybe just to be really annoying.
This is a 'yes' or 'no' question, isn't it?
If I say 'no', a lot of things might happen : one, Lilly decides to cut me out off her life. Two, she decides she loves me too and we live happily ever after with Emma. Three, I say I loved her, past tense, and say I moved on and love Emma, which is half of a lie.
If I say 'yes,' I'd be lying to everyone, even to myself. And that would be another thing I keep from Lilly. I can't lie to her again. Even if she will probably never know the truth if I don't tell her 'cause nobody knows about it, but me.
Do I have a conscience? I'd like to think I do, mind you.
So, the real question is : do I want to lie to Lilly or to Emma for that matter? No.
And that's what I'm going to say.
"... No."
"No? She's not?" Rachel frowns.
"No, she's not." I feel Emma tense besides me. Uh-oh, maybe I should backtrack. I shouldn't have chosen to be honest ! It never works when I do. Maybe I could say I had a crush on some senior girl...
"But you said she was in the same room..." Rachel points out.
I did say that. Sweet niblets! Bye bye senior girl... "Y-yes, I-I did. I guess." I stutter. First sign of guilt? Is it hot in here?
"Then, if it's not Emma, wh..." I see a flash of realization lighten the journalist's features and I think my cheeks are flushing red. "Oh. My. God! I can't believe it!" She gasps. She turns towards Lilly. "Why didn't you tell me you went to school with Miley Stewart!"
But Lilly doesn't answer. She doesn't move. She doesn't blink. I think I broke her...
I glance at Emma. She's not blinking either... But the thing is with Emma, when she doesn't blink, it doesn't mean that she's shell shocked. It means that she's scary mad. And I'm sure she's mad right now because, in addition to the not blinking thing, she's squeezing my hand pretty hard. Actually, I think I just heard one of my bones crack. I think people in China heard it too. I try to take my hand back, but Emma doesn't let go. In fact, she tightens her grip. I think I'm gonna cry.
"Er, Emma, honey?" I ask sweetly trying to not show any sign of pain, "can I have my hand back? Please?"
Here she goes. She's looking at me. I mean, glaring at me. Semantics right?
I let out a sigh of relief when I feel her release my hand. I clutch it, massaging it. It's all tingly from the blood rushing back to my hand. I hope I can still play guitar, or you know, please women... or you know... myself.
Anyways, back on track.
My survival instincts kick in. I decide to move a little away from Emma and sit at the end of the couch. Emma doesn't seem to mind.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I hear suddenly. Lilly.
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeats. She has a confused look on her face. At least, she's not angry. Or at least, not yet...
"I.. I didn't know how to tell something like this..." I'm uncomfortable. We shouldn't be talking about it in front of Emma and even less in front of a journalist. We shouldn't be talking about this at all. I'm not ready to tell her that I love her. That I've always had. I thought I was, but I'm not.
Lilly doesn't reply, so I look at my hands. I'm seriously regretting to admit I loved someone else before Emma.
"I need to get some fresh air," Emma says suddenly. She jumps up and makes a bee-line towards the front door. She didn't even look my way. Not once. I know I shouldn't whine or feel hurt about it because she has some pretty good reasons to be mad at me. I lied to her after all. I've been lying to her for four years... but still...
The door slams. She left. It hurts.
I glance at Rachel who happens to be staring at me. She has a thoughtful expression on her face.
''I heard you had a ranch in Tennessee...'' I nod. Off topic much?
Where was she going with this? Especially now? Ooooh, she's trying to ease down the atmosphere... I appreciate the effort. I'd give her a cookie if I had one. Emma doesn't want us to eat junk food. Sigh...
''Your manager and I had this idea..." Rachel continues. "I was wondering if it would be possible to spend a few days there together...We thought it would be a wonderful asset to portray the real Miley Stewart. It's your natural environment after all." I can't help but notice she seems to sport a mischievous look. I used to have this look when I came up with those crazy plans in highschool to get everything I wanted... except Lilly.
I don't know what to say. "My da- I mean manager said that?"
"Actually, he was the one to suggest it..."
"Really?"
"uh-huh."
"I don't know about this..."
"Why not?"
"It's too personal..."
"That's the point..."
"But I don't want people to know everything about me..."
"Not everything... it's not a free pass to your private life."Rachel points out.
"Feels like it."
"But it's not."
I wish Emma was here. She would have known what I should do. But my dad seems to be okay with it. Heck, he even is the big brain in all of this. But I'm not sure. I tried really hard to protect my private life these last few years. I don't want to relive the same thing I did with Hannah. I really don't.
"There's a catch though." Rachel says making me frown, although I shouldn't be surprised. There's always a catch... "I have another appointment that came up. I can't miss it. My job's on the line. The photograph is hired and is still coming if you want to do it, but Lilly will be in charge for one day, instead of me. You'll just be left alone for one day and a night. I didn't think there would be any problems with this... until now..." Rachel scratches the back of her neck, clearly sorry. Or maybe she's a good manipulator. You pick.
A weekend with Lilly. Together and alone... mostly. Interesting... That could almost make me say 'yes'. I know the situation is not great right now. And that's why it would be great to spend time just together and talk everything through. Even though it could end up with me, screaming around the house with a chasing blonde fury behind me, a knife in her hand.
"So, if you don't wanna do it, it's fine. It would be a great loss, but you're free to chose whatever you want."
Do I want to do it? I'm pretty sure I do. Emma would kill me if she knew. Or maybe not. After all, she doesn't know I still love Lilly. For now, she's just angry I lied to her every time I said she was the first woman I loved.
"I guess I'm in... but only if Lilly is okay with it." I look hopefully at my ex best friend.
I see her sigh and look apologetically at Rachel. Oh no, she's gonna say 'no'... "Can you leave us a second?" phew !
Rachel smiles and stands up. "You can help yourself with something in the kitchen if you want..." I say. She smiles politely and walks away.
I wait for Lilly to talk, but she doesn't. I thought she had something to tell me. I mean you don't ask someone to leave a room just for the fun to watch them walk away. Okay maybe if that person was Lilly, I would have done it plenty of times... I mean look at this butt. Round, perky, perfect. Sigh.
"So err... this is awkward, uh?" I say. Laaaaame!
Lilly rubs her forehead. "Yeah... it is."
"I didn't mean to put you in that position... I didn't plan to reveal the big secret today... or ever..." I mumble the last part. I look down but I know Lilly is looking at me. I feel it.
''Are you mad?'' I ask and then bite my lip. Emma would have slapped if she had seen that. She doesn't think it's sexy. I personally think seeing a woman bite her lips while making love is sooooo hot ! I can almost picture Lilly writhing beneath me, biting her bottom lip in pure bliss and to not attract attention on us... Yes, coz we're in the highschool bathroom... That was one of my numerous fantasies back then... sigh.
"Hey Lilly, what do you think about women biting their lips while they're doing it?" Have I told you when I'm nervous I tend to say whatever comes through my mind? Damn... Lilly looks at me her mouth agape. "I mean, some people think it's hot, and well... hum... shh. I..." I groan and take a deep breath. "I'm going to shut up now and call the men in blacks. Word is they still used their little pen thingy with the red light to erase memory. I'll get it, use it on you, and we'll forget about my blonde moment." gasp. "I mean, not that blondes are stupid, cause ya' know, you're blonde and you're very smart. It was just a saying and-"
And then something makes me stop. A giggle. A laugh. Lilly is laughing. I see her smile at me goofily. I get to see a glimpse of the old Lilly. And all my embarrassment goes away. Wanna know why? Cause I'd gladly embarrass myself everyday in front of her or thousands of people as long as I get to see her like this. She's beautiful.
"I'm sorry." I smile. "You make me nervous, hence the stupidity. It's not contagious I swear."
"Yeah, I figured... otherwise I would have been contaminated in highschool," she smirks.
I snort. "I wasn't the one who basically yelled across the cafeteria that Jimmy Coldwell had a fine apple ass!"
"Hey! You promised you'd never mention it again!" Lilly whines. I snicker. Can't help it.
It feels good to laugh with her. The laughter slowly subsides and our eyes find each other. I look into her eyes and she's staring right back at me. We're having a moment. I think. She seems to search my eyes for some kind of answer, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the same thing, although, I'm sure the questions we're silently asking are the same...
I give her a small smile and look down when the intensity of her look becomes too much. I take a deep breath to calm my rapidly beating heart and look up at her shyly.
"So, what do you wanna do now? Wanna go to the ranch together?" I ask hopefully.
"I guess..." She shrugs. She seems a little hesitant. "I mean, we have a lot to talk about..."
I start feeling giddy. Maybe she will admit her undying love for me there... I mean, the ranch is pretty romantic. We could start fresh. No lies, no Emma, no celebrity hassles. Just Lilly and me. Getting sidetracked again. Sorry.
"But Miley, I need to tell you something first." I nod encouraging her silently. She's bitting her lips, like when she's trying to figure out how to tell me something I don't want to hear. "There's something you don't know..." My heart suddenly starts beating like crazy. You know why? Cause I can feel that what Lilly is about to say, is going to hurt me more than anything ever did in the past. Or even kill me. She has this look. The look saying she's sorry.
"I'm engaged."
See? Time of death : 11.34 am.
Author's note : another cliffy ! I know! It's almost Liley time though. Well, not Liley Liley, but Liley... know what I'm saying? No? I guess you'll know after the next chapter ! Lol
