P.S. I'm feeling very sad today : (
Little side note: I can't take back the things that happened and I can't make you come back, but I can hope and dream that someday, when I see you again, you'll understand just how much you meant to this whole world. R.I.P. soldier. You did a great job. Thank you for all that you did. I need to go cry now.
Don't own.
SEDDIE!
Just a few days later yo. Sorry about my side note. Today is three months since my friend got killed in Afghanistan. I'm just a little….yeah. Please enjoy.
Girl's got a love like woe :D
My ex is trying to get me to help him get his ex back I'm like "why would I help you? I'm a bitch remember?" he goes "I was mad when I said that. I really want to change. Please help me." I'm like "You've been saying that for years."
I really am a bitch.
X
"What are you doing?" I turned around and Carly was standing in the doorway.
"Painting?" I thought it would have been pretty obvious as I was on a ladder with a paint roller in my hand and a paint tray on the top section of the ladder. She shut the door.
"Why are you painting?"
"Because, I need to change the mood in this apartment before Sam comes home and it will keep me from going insane." I went back to painting the ceiling. Carly set her jacket on the couch.
"And this is going to change the mood how?" She was looking around.
"Because, if I change the colors in the apartment and rearrange everything she'll feel like she's in a completely different apartment. It will be a fresh start for her where she won't have to be reminded of everything." I set the roller down and climbed off the ladder. Carly stared at me like I was crazy.
"What?"
"You're going to paint the whole apartment by yourself?" she put her hands on her hips and I nodded.
"Yes. I don't know how long she's going to be in Troubled Waters. I need something to do. I'm too distracted to go to work. Painting the whole apartment by myself gives me something to do while I can still think about Sam and not worry about pissing somebody off. Come on. I already finished our room." I walked towards the bedroom and Carly followed. I decided to paint our room a deep red. It was relaxing and romantic, especially since I moved the bed under the window and bought new lamps for the side tables. I had some incense that I would put in here whenever I found out she was coming home. Carly looked around.
"I see your point. If I hadn't been in here a million times before," the thought was a little creepy. Carly shouldn't have spent so much time in the room I shared with my wife, "then I definitely would not recognize this room." She folded her arms. I walked back into the kitchen and she followed.
"And you decided to do yellow in here?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yup, like sunshine. It's just perfect because besides our bedroom this is her favorite place to be." I smirked. Yeah, she definitely loved our room more.
"That makes sense." Carly said and walked into the livingroom.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked. I turned around and looked into the livingroom.
"It's going to be green. Here," I held out a color card and she walked to me and grabbed it, "this is it." She looked at it for a minute and then handed it back.
"Impressive." She nodded. I heard my phone ringing in my room so I climbed off of the ladder again and went to grab it.
Sam Calling
Not again. I couldn't handle listening to her beg anymore.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Hi baby." She sounded different this time, almost happier.
"Hey, did you sneak your phone again?" she laughed. I hadn't heard her laugh in almost six months. It was the best sound in the world.
"No, they gave it to me. Said as long as I keep going to the sessions and don't say anything stupid I can keep it." Hearing her voice made me miss her even more. It also made me more confident in putting her in there.
"I miss you." I said. I heard her sigh.
"I miss you, too. So much. I wish I was home or you were here. I hate going to bed alone and waking up alone and never being able to see you."
"Soon, baby. As soon as you're better you'll be home. Then we can make up for lost time." I laughed. She laughed with me.
"I think that sounds a lot better now than it ever did before."
"What are you doing in there?" I asked her. I didn't want to be too serious, but I had to know.
"Well, I wake up in the morning and I take a shower and then the nurses come in and they ask me how I'm feeling and they check my room to make sure I didn't sneak in any knives or rope or whatever. Then they walk me into the group area and everyone just sits around and eats and chatters away with whatever crazy stuff they have to say. Then they walk me back to my room and I have time to basically do nothing because there's nothing I want to do here. They come back an hour later and they give me a notepad and a pen and they tell me to write about Cassie and I don't know, I guess it helps writing about her. Writing about everything I wish I could be doing with her and everything I miss about her and all the things I feel. They stand outside the door when I'm writing because I think they're scared I'm going to try ripping my skin apart with the pen or give myself paper cuts or something. And then when I finish writing down everything I'll look at the door and they'll come back in and talk to me about it. Like one on one. We just talk and whoever I'm talking to tells me that everything I'm feeling is normal and it shouldn't scare me. And at 2:00 every day they bring me downstairs in the basement where this big session is held with mothers who have lost their babies and we're all in different stages of grief they said. So they told me I'm angry, which makes sense. I just don't understand how I got such shitty luck. There are moms out there who just leave their kids or beat them or starve them and they get to have all these kids running around and I don't even get my daughter. Well there's this one mom there, her name is Tonya, and she's in the acceptance stage so she's almost done with the sessions and she keeps telling us all that it gets better. And I guess it does because I don't need to hold onto Cassie as much as I did before. They said when I get out I'll have to keep doing the sessions until I can accept that Cassie isn't coming back. I wish she would. I wish I could just hold her once with her heart beating and her smiling and laughing and being happy. There's nothing I could want more. The session is usually like two hours long so I go back and they just let me do whatever and then I go to bed. It's kind of boring." She sounded different, not sad, not happy. Just different. I sighed.
"And how are you feeling, sweetheart?" I asked. She hesitated a second.
"Better. Still hurts a lot. I still want her. I still sometimes think it's just a horrible nightmare, but I'm better. I don't think you could have done anything better for me. I mean, the first night I was here I was so mad at you. I thought you just wanted to give up on me. I thought you just wanted to get rid of me because I wasn't handling it like you do. And the second night I was really out of it. I wanted to break out of here and go home and be with you, so I snuck my phone and I hoped you would just give in and tell me you were coming to get me, but you didn't. And when you hung up the last time and they came in and they took my phone I realized that you weren't going to come get me and I felt really hurt. I thought you didn't love me anymore. So I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning and they started doing this writing thing with me I realized that not only are you the most amazing man on the planet, you're also the smartest and the strongest."
"I will always love you. I only do what's best for you. There was no way you were going to get better over here."
"I know. And I'm so sorry I put you through all that. I still can't believe I was so stupid. Cassie was your daughter, too, and you were handling everything better than I could even dream of doing. It was so wrong of me to tell you I'd rather die than live without Cassie—"
"I knew you wouldn't jump, Sam."
"No, you didn't. You hoped I wouldn't. I wanted to. I wanted to just take away my own life because I felt like somehow I took away Cassie's. But you lost her too, and if the situation was reversed I would be so pissed that you'd even think about leaving me behind like that."
"I'm not mad, you didn't know what you were doing."
"I know. But I have to go. I miss you a lot. I wish I could see you. Hopefully soon they'll let me see people. You'll come see me when they let you right?"
"Of course, baby. I need to see you. I'm going crazy without you."
"Well maybe you should come stay in Troubled Waters for a while then." She laughed. It was nice to know she was better and that things were finally looking up. I was happy she was out of the denial part of this. I knew as soon as she realized and faced that Cassie wasn't coming back that she'd start to go back to being herself.
"I might have to take you up on that offer." I smiled. She couldn't see it, but Sam knew. We had been together for so long that she could tell what kind of mood I was in by how I talked.
"I love you more than words could say." She whispered. It made me sad. I hated hearing it on the phone without seeing her face. Especially since I hadn't seen her in so long.
"I love you, too. Behave. Get better so you can come home."
"That's the plan, Freddio."
"I'll be waiting for you to tell me I can come see you. You better tell me as soon as they tell you. I don't care if I'm working or taking a shower or whatever. As soon as you tell me I can see you I'll be there."
"Well, make sure you put some clothes on first. I don't need the crazies in here trying to get a piece of that." She laughed again and I joined her.
"I'll be sure to wear clothes, baby. I love you with all that I am and more."
"I love you, too, Freddie. I'll call you again tomorrow. Bye." She hung up the phone and my world felt a little bit lighter. I turned around and Carly was standing in the doorway. I had forgotten I wasn't alone in the apartment.
"How is she?" Carly asked. I smiled.
"Better. She's back to telling jokes and laughing. She no longer believes Cassie is alive…most of the time." Carly half smiled.
"You know, I'm not sure that anything sounds worse than hearing a screen thrown across a room right before your best friend says she wants to die."
"She's getting better, Carly. It won't happen overnight, but this is helping her. In the meantime, you're going to help me get this place ready for her to come home."
"I am?"
"You are. Let's go."
X
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