Chapter Six
Abby was in bed the next morning. She was tired of hangovers. She was tired of losing control after a bad day. She was tired of feeling worthless. Most of all she was tired of being an alcoholic.
Lying there, she made a decision; she needed help. She'd tried to do it on her own; her headache testified to how well that had worked. She didn't want a repeat of last night. The scene with Luka replayed in her mind. The startling thing was not that he wasn't disappointed in her. No, his expression had been a far cry from Carter's contemptuous glares. Rather, looking past the fatigue, she'd caught a glimpse of something entirely different in his eyes. He loved her, and that's why she was doing this- because she loved him in return. She had to protect him from herself- just for a little while. It would kill her, but it was the only way.
If she wanted to get sober and stay sober, she would need to start at the beginning again- with the AA program. She despised AA meetings; they were boring and crammed full of religion. They worked, though, and that's what mattered.
She found him in the shower. They had the day off together, for once. His clothes lay on the floor in a heap. Hers joined his. No words were spoken, just the sound of water hitting skin and tile. Her lips moved over his urgently as she simultaneously stepped closer. Her hands slid up his chest and around his neck. His mouth travelled lower, to her neck, sending shivers through her body. Her fingers moved through his wet hair as his arms tightened around her waist. It was perfect; he was perfect. She didn't look at him as she began to dress.
"I have to go now." She informed him so quietly he almost didn't hear her.
"I thought you had the day off?" A hand rubbed her shoulder.
"I have an AA meeting." Her eyes finally found his. "It worked last time." She explained self- consciously. He nodded. They could offer her the help he seemed incapable of giving.
"It's better than trying to do it on your own."
"It was unrealistic to think I could."
"Not unrealistic, just more difficult." He smiled at her, she returned smiled back but it was tainted with sadness.
"What's wrong?" He asked, stroking her cheek with a thumb. She placed her smaller hand over his, struggling to keep the tears out of her eyes. Then, kissing his fingers, she held his hand between hers.
"That's not all." She looked down at their clasped hands. He waited for her to speak. "I need to focus on getting well, on being happy with myself and by myself." She met his eyes. "I want to be with you, I really do, but I just can't handle a relationship right now."
"You need me to give you space."
"You understand why, don't you?"
"Yeah." With that single word his heart broke. He squeezed her hand. "I understand." The world was winning, tearing him apart in the process.
"I just need a friend right now, not a boyfriend. If I can get this right, get my life sorted- I'll be ready… for more."
"It's okay. I can handle it." He said, enclosing her in his arms. She always felt safe when he held her. "Take all the time you need; I'll be waiting." He kissed the top of her head tenderly. Friends yet again. God, when would they get past that? He wanted to be more than friends, so much more.
She pulled away and he reluctantly let go of her. It was for the best, he told himself.
"Thank you." She whispered, leaving a soft kiss on his cheek.
After she left, having already gathered her belongings, he sat down on the couch. He felt emotionally drained and, at the same time, overwhelmingly enraged. With a cry of frustration he slammed a fist against the coffee table.
Then he just sat there, for a long time, cradling his head in his hands. It won't be that long, his mind reasoned. But Luka Kovac was far from being rational.
She was late. Spotting a chair towards the back, she made her way to it and sat down. She wasn't really listening to the speaker, wasn't even paying attention to the people around her. It won't be forever, she thought. But it was an empty comfort. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. She brushed it away with a trembling hand. She could handle being just friends, right?
