Next installment, it's a bit of an in between chapter. Letting both Kensi and Deeks deal with the situation and the emotions that go with it.

Anway, still a big heartfelt thanks for the reviews, followers and favorites. It makes my day seeing those mails in my mailbox.


Seven

Nearly 5 weeks after being admitted he's cleared to go home. Finally his infections have cleared, his body strength is coming back to him and his shoulder is healed enough to withstand crutches. It allows him to move a bit more freely. Still he needs to take caution, needs to take his rest and his medication. Dutiful she listens to everything the doctors tell her and him, she's sealing everything inside her memory, there is no way he'll be able to fool her. She even learns how to change the dressings on his leg. And while she never pictured herself as the most caring person in the world, he's different. He's her partner and she'll take care of him. She knows he would do the same if the situation was reversed but that's not her biggest motivation. She's standing inside his hospital room, listing to the doctors, accepting the notes and leaflets because she wants to. She's not the most romantic person in the world, except with Titanic, but she's not the girl who dreams about princesses and princes, but the idea that she had gotten so close to lose her partner has changed her view on things. She wasn't there to help him when the undercover operation had been going on but now she's here, now she'll help him no matter what.

She's even gone as far as to clean out his fridge and restock it. truth be told she did enlist the help of Nell and Sam, because let's face it, they know a whole lot more about healthy good food. While she knew the fast food and snack department of the store by heart, she had led them loose in the vegetable and fruit department ending up with a good mix of stuff. Of course her favorites are stocked in there as well. she's planning on sticking around and well she could make sure she'll be able to eat something she likes.

He's not entirely overjoyed when he realizes she'll be the one taking him home but he doesn't say a word. He's silent when he's given his papers. He doesn't even put up a fight when the nurses bring the wheelchair. So he wants to go home, she's just not sure he wants her to be there. It stings more than she's ready to admit but she wills it away. He's been through a lot and needs to find his footing again. She'll be there every step of the way, whether he likes it or not .

The drive home happens in silence, and she keeps looking at him. He's looking outside, probably taking in his surrounding, finally free from the hospital walls. And yeah he could drive her crazy with his constant chatter about pretty much everything, this scares her even more. He's never silent, never ever and she can't help but wonder what's going around in his mind.

She knows he's talking to Nate and Nate will help him get back, but still, what if he can't? What if whatever happened to him at that warehouse scarred him enough to leave? A little voice inside her head tells her he'll never leave her, never just walk out of her life, but she's not sure anymore if that is just enough. If he should leave NCIS, even when she would see him outside of work, she's not sure it's worth it. So she can only hope he'll not be the case Nate fails at. She can't deal with another failing, the rest of the team can't.

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Calling it suffering is a too harsh of a word but he really wants to be alone, just him, Monty and his couch. But he allows her to stay, at least until dinner. Neither fancies cooking, despite his fully stocked fridge and him getting to the door is a little complicated with his crutches. So he allows her to stay until it's time to order the food and it's delivered, and yeah well also eaten. Kensi is not the person to be send on her way hungry. He shuffles through his apartment at a speed his crutches and his body allow. It feels good to be back in a familiar setting, to finally not smell antiseptic and other hospital smells. He's not too happy about the constant shadow that is following him around. He knows it's out of care, she's only doing this because she's worried about him and want nothing more than for him to get better. He knows that if the situation was reversed he would be like this too, but he also knows that if she would ask him to leave, he would, well at least in the end he would. Even an injured Kensi would be capable of kicking him out.

So when the pizza is been eaten, the soda's been drunk, they sit on the couch in silence, a tense silence. He's been thinking about the best way to approach the subject, but doesn't really find a way. Well not until she yawns a little and he picks up on it. telling her it's okay for her to go home, to have a good night of sleep. She argues, of course but he explains he needs to be alone for awhile, not to be taken care of every second like he was in hospital. Her faces softens a little after that.

He's keeping away from the turmoil inside his head, but he's not lying to her. He really wants to be on his own for a little while, sleep in his own bed, wondering around when the need arise. Finally she caves and leaves, but not without some promises from his side. He'll keep his phone close by just in case something goes wrong and needs some help. And yes she'll be the first one he calls. He promises to take his medication on time, proving it by taken some of it before her eyes. He's a little scared she would check if he actually swallowed it, but she believes him and why should he lie? He's still hurting a bit and he's not the one to suffer without a reason.

Silence returns to the house and he settles on the couch. He's feeling a little lonely but also at ease, knowing Kensi, and for that matter the rest of the crew are just a phone call away. He shifts until he finds a spot that doesn't hurt his ribs, leg or generally his entire body. He grabs the remote control and settles in for a night of mindless TV with man's best friend by his side.

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She's anxious and a little annoyed at herself. She's not too sure it was a good idea to leave him alone, but she can understand his reasoning and he did promise to call her the second something is up. So she settles on the couch, a beer nearby and the remote in her hand. She doesn't see a lot of the programs and the beer remains untouched.

She can't help but feel he wanted her to leave because he can't stand to be around her. And she wonders if that's what they have become. From close partners, best friends, sharing a thing to almost strangers? She knows what he feels, well she's not 100 percent sure, but still it's clear what he wants. She always kept it away, always pushed him away and yet praying he would never leave her. He wouldn't, at least not willingly, but in the past month they had come close to an unwillingly goodbye. To say she has been scared shitless was an understatement. The fear that had taken over her when Hetty informed them and no way of knowing where he was. She had been ready to do anything, if only to bring him back to her.

Later when they had found him and brought him to the hospital fear had really settled in and left her in a state of despair. What if he never woke up, what if those had been the last days and she would never see that smile again, never to lose herself in the blue of his eyes? It had possessed her dreams those few days until he had recovered, or at least enough to not be in a dangerous situation anymore. But the Deeks that had woken up had been so different from the one they had known. Was it because of her or the mission? Nate seemed to think it was the latter, she feared it to be the first one.

And there was no one else to blame but herself. How could she believe that he would stay around until she finally figured out what she wanted? And while she knows he would never stop being her partner, unless Hetty fired him, she's afraid he'll stop being her best friend and she can't stand it. Just like she can't stand the idea he'll be alone for a while, not necessarily at home because let's face it, she has to get back to work someday. But he's going places she'll not be around and what if he meets someone there? What if he meets a woman who's prepared to give him what he wants, no questions asked and no scars and nightmares to hold her back. She can't stand it and she has to fight the urge to get up and go over to his place. She needs to give him space, he needs some room to breathe and get what's going on inhis mind under control. But she needs a plan as well, she needs to figure out what she wants.

Him, the answer comes to her in an instant but feels so right. She wants him, in every sense of the word. She only needs to man up and find the courage to tell him.

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Sleep doesn't come easily but he didn't expect anything less. Beside the pain, that is dulled by the medication, it's the memories that haunt him. He would never forget, he never expected to forget. It's part of his life, it's part of who he is. But at least he figured he would be over it in some way, at least give it some place in his life. What happened to him had made it clear to him, he had been lying. He had put it away, in the back of his mind. Knowing he would never meet them again had helped him in locking it away. But the beatings, the fact that those criminals did it because they could had brought everything back.

The pain, the tears, the smells and the fear. He didn't need to try, he could just smell the alcoholic stench from his father, he could hear the screams of his mother and her pleading. He could feel the impact of the beatings, the saltiness of the tears after. But most of all he could feel the anger towards them, the anger that led him to use the gun on his father and the silent treatment to his mother. Although she had started that. Deep down he had always known she wouldn't leave his father, not in a million years and it broke his heart. Back then he had wanted nothing else but a safe life, away from his abusive father. But she never did, she never left him. She did come to him, crying, cradling him and constantly mumbling sorry. Now he wasn't too sure the apologies were for him. Years later she had confirmed what he always had known. that she blamed him for what he had done. It had taken her illness and the moment where the doctors told her nothing could be done for her to realize that she had a son and had responsibilities towards him.

Her nearing death had urged her on a coming clean trip that had left both crying. She clearly had the need for forgiveness, he had given her what he could. Those weeks had been the most beautiful they have had. No shadows of his dad hanging over her, just a mother and her son. It hadn't lasted for long but he cherished those. Because then she had been the mother he had always wanted.

Now only anger remained for her, her being unable to realize all that way sooner. That blocked all the other, the better memories he had of her.

There had only been two people who had known about his parents and how life with them had been. A couple more knew about the shooting, including his partner. She probably has an inkling a lot more had been going on, but he's grateful for her not asking anything about it. He doesn't want to tell her, he doesn't want to ruin her idea of a perfect father. He might have never had a perfect father or mother, he refuses to be the one that takes that away from her.

He is however coming to terms with the idea that he'll have to talk to someone. Nate, not his choice but Hetty's but she could have chosen worse. Nate knew what they were doing and secondly Nate knew his entire history. Trust Hetty to put together a file on him, a file that contained documents she shouldn't have in her possession. But this was Hetty they were talking about and Hetty did things her way. It led to Nate knowing what was going on, what had happened and he found himself at peace with that. He has to, if he wants to avoid Hetty and her letter opener, but he finds himself willing to. He needs to get out of this black hole and if Nate's the man to talk to, well he would allow that to happen.


Next up, some serious talking with Nate and Callen is up to something as well.

Let me know what you think.