35 Weeks Later:
"Here," Bex handed me a shot of tequila, that was originally suppose to be beer, until I started bawling my eyes out.
"It has only been a month," I weeped out, "and I can hardly function." The feeling returned, the frazzled panicked one that makes it hard to see, breath, move. Like every cell in my body had become an icicle.
She just eyed me as if she was facing an alien, "I see. What caused this whole teary thing?"
"You asked if I wanted a beer," I sank further into the couch.
Her eyebrows shot up.
"Zach asked me if I wanted a beer right before I found out if I was pregnant," I let out. Finally stopping the tears, my muscles able to work again as my breathing evened out.
"Cam, I'm worried. Not about you and Zach, just about you."
"What?" I asked.
"I kind of found something cleaning up your apartment the other day."
She brought out the well used notebook, "These are all of the drawings, and there are names. I'm just not sure that healthy I mean it's been almost a year."
"Nursery 1 is my favorite. The sunflowers. But I like the turtles too, and the finding nemo one is great. Oh and see that ad, for the stars. Wouldn't that be cool," I let out. Not realizing exactly how much I said until it was already done.
"Cam, honey," She put her arm around me,"I know you like to think about the baby. But drawing it's room, cutting out baby supply ads. I mean, how long has it been?"
"I know," I said solemnly, "but it's like I can't help myself. She would have been 5 weeks and 3 days old."
"Why can't you?"
"Because if I don't," I heard my voice get thick, "if I don't have something to get happy and excited about, I think about loosing her. And then I get sad, and I just can't," I bit my lip as tears streamed down my cheeks, again.
She tightened her grip on me as I continued, "I can't handle any more sadness. I don't want to be sad, I've been sad for 8 months. And this," I pointed at the book, "It makes me happy."
"I know sweetie, but it's not healthy. It's obsessive. You need ways to move on, and this isn't helping. There's a really great psychologist in here, on floor 5. I made you an appointment."
I would have argued. Old Cammie would have thrown a fit, but new Cammie didn't have the motivation to. New Cammie knew that this was a good thing.
40 Weeks Later
I marked the calendar, Lily, would have been 10 weeks old today. Lily is the name the psychologist, Mrs, Summers, and I came up with for her.
There actually exercises, good ones. The baby had a name. You could write about her and give her a personality. And you got to talk about her in sessions.
But each week the writing was less and less, I found. As much as she existed in my mind I was coming to realize there wasn't that much actual things to say.
I also picked up a new hobby, since I didn't work undercover anymore because I put myself on a PTSD list. Which is one of the things Dr. Summer's had diagnosed me with. Along with situational depression.
I now painted, and I think I was pretty good at it. Right now I was still doing simple things, watercolor barns and fields mainly country settings.
I also cycled, yes like riding a bicycle. All through the town everywhere I went was on it.
And I felt these weights lift off of my chest.
Slowly, one every week. I think I finally understood that loosing the baby wasn't something to be ashamed about or guilty for.
45 Weeks Later
I heard through the grapevine that Zach was doing well on his undercover ops.
We hadn't even uttered a word to each other since that night. And every night I go to sleep missing him.
I started back actual work after my little hiatus, but just small things.
"Happy Birthday!" Evan burst through the door. Evan was my neighbor, and I think he had a crush on me.
"Hey, wow, it is my birthday isn't it?"
He had a large object in his hand, upon further inspection it appeared to be a cake. I took it and the gift from him and set them on the counter.
"This was fun," He smiled just as bright as his teeth were; blindingly white.
"Uh, no," I bantered back as I had been all day, "this icing on my nose is not cool."
I used my finger to get the purple off the tip of my nose and flicked it onto him.
He put a small bit on his finger like he was going to smear it on me. Then he slowly brought his finger toward my lips.
I hesitated, but opened my mouth just enough to get the icing.
Then he close his eyes and leaned in, like I should be doing the same.
And his lips grazed mine at the same time I somewhat roughly shoved his shoulders backward.
I glared into his eyes not sure of what to say.
"I, I," he momentarily looked hurt, "I really like you."
"And," I got stuck, "your cool, but I'm not. I'm not ready for this."
"Oh," He let out lamely.
"I mean, I'm cool with being friends. But I'm not even sure my last relationship is over, and," I trailed off.
"It's okay, really I get it. Maybe we can go to lunch one day. Hope you had a good day," And he was out the door in a flash.
I leaned back against the counter and sighed. My only friend other than Bex and I had already messed it up.
Still, even though that wasn't close to a kiss. His lips touched mine. His lips were only the third to ever touch mine. And a part of it still felt wrong, like I should be guilty.
My phone chimed. I expected it too be Bex, since she hadn't told me happy birthday yet.
Instead it was from Zach. It read: I know we still aren't talking, but happy birthday. Hope you like your present.
Uhh?
I checked the mail that had been thrown on the counter. Sure enough a small envelope was enclosed. It was a gift card to my favorite dining place on this side of town.
50 Weeks Later
"Bex?" I knocked on her door. She had been busy the past couple of days.
She ushered me in and shushed me at the same time.
"I know," She nodded throwing her hands up, in the middle of the living room. A cross between wanting to strangle the person on the phone and despair, "I know, but we need those people in there in the next two weeks. They have to be," she nodded, "okay, okay, you have two weeks. That's it."
She threw the Bluetooth on the couch across the room. "I know why I hate legalities."
I just smiled, "Its been awhile."
"I know," She ducked her head a little, "Happy belated birthday, sorry I didn't come see you."
"It's okay, really, I know you were at work."
"Actually, I was right here talking on the phone. I've been on the phone for weeks. Milly, a secretary, went on maternity leave back at MI6 and I've been doing her job on top of my own."
"Well, um, you know Evan right?"
She nodded, now intrigued.
"We spent my birthday together," I started with.
Her eyes widened, "Did you sleep together?"
I looked at her bewildered, "I freaked out the second he leaned toward me."
"Cam, you have never had a one night stand?"
"No," I let out sharply.
"Really?"
"We know you have, a lot."
"You should come hang out with me more often then. I'll hook you up."
I kind of looked at her sheepishly, "I don't know if I want to hook up with anyone."
"Uh?"
"I just..."
"Oh Cam," she placed her hand on my knee, "I know you still want to be with Zach. But it's not like it is cheating on him."
"Has he? I know that you know, is he with someone?"
"No, and I don't think he has." She paused, "He just kind of drowns himself in work."
Then her phone rang again, back to work she went.
52 Weeks Later
One year ago Zach and I were moving to Switzerland, one year ago we thought he might fix our relationship.
Now, racing through the streets of Europe, I was about to see Zach for the first time in 12 weeks.
Zach had been shot, the words that the guy said over my phone rang in my ear. I bit back involuntary tears, I told him I wasn't going anywhere, and he promised not to do anything stupid. That includes not getting shot.
The hallway was cold, or maybe I was cold. I was shivering. The doctor said that he would give me an update, that was twenty minutes ago.
Bex walked through the door, immediately hugging me. We were the only two people here. His friends were still in undercover missions.
Everything the doctor said was muffled, so far the whole trip was too much for me to comprehend. I couldn't loose Zach, not ever.
Bex walked me to the ICU, only one of us could go in. I pushed her toward the door.
This was too much, it was too hard. I turned my back, leaning against the door. Sobs threatened to come out, he could die. He could. I fumbled with my purse and pulled out my ring.
"Why did you let me kick you out," I tried to say, but it sounded like hiccups.
I slipped the ring on my finger twisting it around and around.
"Cam," Bex let out quietly, and questionably, "you okay?"
I nodded even as my shoulders heaved, her arms circling my shoulders from the side. "Hey, hey, hey," She tried to be soothing.
"I, I can't loose him," I hiccuped.
She snatched my chin to meet her gaze, "you won't."
As much as I wanted to believe her, I knew that there were no fairytales in this world. I just put my head on her shoulder.
