[ Laura's Point of View ]
/ 2 Years Prior to Clint's Death \\
While I heard the buses brakes squeal, and I did not expect Cooper and Lila to run into the house so quickly afterwards. It was a brisk fall day, and with having raked the leaves in our yard into piles, I was sure Cooper would have leapt into them as he always did. But instead the two threw the door open, and came rushing into the kitchen with such urgency. Before I could ask what was going on, Lila leapt onto the couch and excitedly announced with a proud smile on her face,
"Mommy! We talked about Daddy in class today."
My brow raised cautiously, unsure of what I was about to hear would be a security concern or not. The kids were usually pretty good about keeping Clint's identity secure, but I could never be too cautious.
"For Veterans Day." Cooper interjected with a half smile, as he made his way into the kitchen for an after school snack.
"Ah," I said somewhat relieved, as that did fall in line with his identity that we kept for him in our community.
I gave young Lila, who was just in 2nd grade at the time, a gentle smile as I sat down next to her on the couch.
"So tell me dear, what did you learn today."
"Well, I am excited we have tomorrow off - but I am even more excited that it's for Daddy! I didn't know he had his own day."
I smiled, almost laughing lightly as I wrapped my arms around my young daughter.
"Yes, it is exciting to not have school tomorrow. We will have to do something fun."
Lila nodded her head excitedly, her grey bye eyes, so like her Father's, held a glint of pure joy.
"You have tomorrow off because of Veterans Day though, which isn't exactly a day just for Daddy - but it works."
"It's a day for people in the Army, Lil." Cooper corrected as a grabbed a chocolate pudding and began to dig into it.
"Oh, well we only say Daddy is in the Army to keep his real job a secret. I guess my teacher got confused." Lila said with a shrug, slight disappointment filling her eyes.
"Well no, your teacher was still right to say tomorrow's holiday does relate to your dad." I began, as I moved closer to Lila and easily lifted her upward into my lap.
"You see, Veterans Day is a day to recognize, remember, and thank those who risk their lives for our safety. We call these fighters, these soldiers, veterans. Your daddy may not be an Army soldier, but he does the same job that those in the military do."
Lila nodded, though I could tell as I brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes that she was confused.
"Why do they have a day just for them though?"
"Well Lila, you know your dad's work is hard. He has to spend a lot of time away from home, away from you two who he loves very much." I said, glancing over at Cooper as I did.
"What your dad and Aunt Nat do can be scary sometimes, they don't know if they are going to get hurt or worse when they fight. But that never keeps them from fighting, fighting to keep us safe."
I let Lila's small hand slide into my own as I asked her then.
"Don't you think people as brave as your daddy deserve a day of thanks?"
She smiled and nodded eagerly, before she jumped to another question.
"We wrote cards to soldiers today in class. Can I make a card for dad, and then you can help me mail it tomorrow?"
I smiled and embraced Lila warmly, pride filling me at the sweet nature she possessed. "Absolutely dear."
As Lila ran upstairs to begin on her drawings for a card for Clint, I made my way back into the kitchen to see Cooper silently texting on his phone.
"You have to love your sister's enthusiasm." I said lightly as I began to clean his bowl, trying to spark conversation.
"Yeah." He replied dully, but I could tell something was on his mind.
"Hey mom, can I go with my friend Max on a trip tomorrow? His dad is taking him up to the lake to go fishing and hiking, and Max said I could join."
I shrugged my shoulders and said gently, "Don't see why not!"
Cooper nodded slowly, lethargically, and slid off his chair to retreat upstairs. Instinctually, I knew something was off in his behavior.
"Coop. Is everything going okay? School's good?" I inquired gently, with a concerned gaze.
He stopped halfway up the staircase and thought for a moment in silence before saying, "I'm fine, mom," he said dully.
"Are you sure, because-"
"No mom, it's nothing you can help with." He interrupted, gripping the staircase railing tight as he did.
He did this sometimes, pent up his emotions and then they spilled out violently at some point. I crossed my arms and listened carefully for what he had to say.
"You fantasize Veterans Day and dad to Lila. You shouldn't do that. At my school, at my age, it doesn't mean anything, it's just a day off. And dad's work is much more than hard. He won't even talk to us about it."
I shook my head slowly as I said, "I know you wish he would tell you more about the missions he goes on, but you know he doesn't like to talk about it anymore."
"He's scared." Cooper scoffed, somewhat disrespectfully.
While the disrespect towards his father was enough to make me livid, I knew it stemmed from emotions. So keeping my cool, I exhaled and said,
"Yes, he is."
"Then why leave us? Why can't he just stay home if he's scared? Why can't he be like a normal dad, and find a job around here, so that we all could go on trips when we have days off? So he could finally teach me how to shoot like he promised he would."
Cooper's voice began to crack, and just as he was about to rush upstairs I spoke firmly.
"Because his work is important, Coop. Because he's scared of what has happened, but that doesn't stop him from working towards what he knows is right."
"There are so many others though. The team doesn't really need him, why can't he just come home?"
Cooper's voice was desperate at this point, and so I tried to embrace him but he pushed me away.
"It's hard, I know it is Coop. He's been away since July, and I can't tell you where he is or what he's doing. But he is the team's sniper, their eye in the sky. He has a job, a very important one. We have to support him, be proud of him."
"But I don't want to be proud. I just want my dad."
Cooper eventually stormed off, and while I wanted to lecture him, to make him understand, I knew I couldn't. Because like my son, I too had nights where I cried out for my husband, where I wished away his career and duty for the chance to have him safe at home with me.
But Clint, like a few other rare individuals, was born to defend. I married him knowing this, and knew despite how hard it was for myself and my family, we had to support him.
Later that evening just as Cooper had dragged down his suitcase for his trip the next day, the phone rang. As I always did for the kids' sakes, I would go into another room to answer it. Incase it was bad news, I didn't want them to see me collapse or cry.
"Hello."
"Hey Honey. Sorry it's been awhile."
I exhaled a long hard sigh, as my hand reached for my forehead. The relief was almost intense enough to knock me off my feet, and so I leaned against the wall and smiled through my next words.
"Oh god Clint, did I need to hear your voice tonight."
"Yeah? Having a rough day?"
"Both the kids and I, yes. Cooper broke down again today, but he's going with a friend on a little trip tomorrow so maybe that'll help."
"Oh that's good for him to get out. You know I've been trying to get back, I really am."
"No Clint, no I know. Don't stress over us okay, just take care of yourself and Nat."
"Well you worry about me, so naturally I worry about you and the kids. It's what family does."
"If only we were like a normal family," I said through a short laugh.
"If only…" Clint said in a lethargic and even sad voice.
"You sound exhausted. Are you alright?" I asked softly, gripping the phone tightly.
"It's just been a long couple weeks, Laura. Nat and I both have our share of wounds, but we have each other, and this isn't the worst we've ever been through."
"Well you need to get some sleep while you can. Keep your strength up."
"Yes Ma'am" he said quietly, with an evident weakness and exhaustion in his voice.
"I don't want to let you go now, but I know you need to sleep. And I know you won't be the one to hang up, so-"
"No wait. Can I talk to them?" He asked quickly.
"If they're still awake that is."
I walked upstairs to see which lights were on, and when seeing both were dark she was about to tell Clint that they were sleeping when a creak in the floorboard could be heard as Cooper stepped out of his room.
"Mom?" He asked, obviously startled by her coming up and walking by his room.
"Cooper!" I rushed up to him, with the phone pressed into her chest so to mute the conversation.
"I'm…I'm on the phone with your dad."
The kid who had so easily showed such anger to his dad earlier that day, suddenly obtained a small spark in his eye - as if in disbelief and relief. I smiled as I kneeled down next to him, and without a word placed the phone into his palm.
I watched as Cooper cautiously brought the phone to his ear. But I knew when Clint began speaking, for Cooper's eyes lost that angered and lost haze they had earlier. I couldn't hear Clint's words exactly, but I stepped back to allow Cooper some private time with his dad.
However even when I walked down the hall to go check on Lila, who was fast asleep in her bed with crayons and paper scattered around her room, I could hear Cooper's enthusasim:
"You mean I'll get to try your bow?"
"Don't tell mom, or she won't let you!"
"Yeah, I'll teach you how to fish when you get back. I can't believe you've never been."
"When are you coming home though, dad?"
"Okay."
"I miss you too."
I expected the conversation to be coming to an end, and so I was approached Cooper and was about to take the phone back when he pulled it away from me quickly and said to both Clint and I, "Wait."
"Hey dad?"
"Yeah bud?" I could hear Clint reply faintly for I was close enough to hear them both.
"Happy Veterans Day. Lila and I, and mom too, we're…we're proud of you and what you do."
I never knew Clint to hesitate when talking, but he didn't reply immediately and I could only assume he was shocked by his son's thoughtful words.
"Thanks bud, I- I love you."
He was lost for words.
When I took the phone back and we began talking again, I could hear the slight crack in his voice that wasn't there before. Cooper - the same boy who had held such anger towards Clint earlier today - had now moved him to tears.
"He really misses you," I said sadly as I shut my bedroom door and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Yeah, I can tell. Laura, I don't know how much longer I can work like this. Being away from you and the kids, especially with you being -"
I cut him off quickly.
"Clint. Like Cooper just said, we are proud of you."
He was silent, likely still holding back tears. It was an emotional night for him I knew, he likely was hurt more than I knew, and Natasha was surely not in good shape either. This was his first time contacting anyone besides Natasha in the past month. I knew Clint to get a little mentally unstable in long grueling missions like this, but then again who wouldn't be.
"You're strong, but so are we. For as long as you want to work, for as long as the team and the world needs Hawkeye, we will be fine."
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"Never be." I said firmly back.
"There will be a time in the future to be their father, I promise. But you know where your duties lie right now."
He didn't reply, but I knew he agreed with what I was saying at this point.
"Just stay safe for me. Come home to us."
In all his years off work, Clint never once had made a promise that he would be alright or promised to come home. But instead simply he agreed to trying, as he said in an exhausted voice,
"Yes Ma'am."
"I love you." I said finally, feeling tears begin to build up behind my eyes as I knew our conversation was coming to an end.
"I love you." He said finally, before the phone call ended and I would enter the void once again of wondering if I had just heard my husband's last words to me.
It was a vicious cycle, I knew it was. I could hold more optimism about his career, but coming from being a retired combat medic - I knew the realities all too well.
Those phone calls were never easy, especially ending them. That is why Clint would always be the one to hang up - he wanted to make it easier on us. He always ended every single call he made with "I love you." While it was comforting, it was also a bit haunting knowing that such an endearing phrase had a very good chance of being my husband's last words to me.
The next time we would hear from my husband and my children's father, would be about 2 weeks later - when we received a letter in the mail addressed to Lila Barton. After Lila had mailed Clint a card for Veterans Day that year, it would become a sort of tradition that Clint would always send her postcards of where he was at. They would always be addressed by a fake alias, "An Army Soldier," but she knew who they were from. It was one positive thing she had to hang onto when he would leave, the promise of getting those beautiful little postcards in the mailbox documenting her daddy's travels.
For all my fellow Americans reading this on the day it is being published: please be sure to remember the courage our men and women in uniform possess. Take a moment to consider their bravery, sacrifice, and heroism - along with their family's today. For that is what today, November 11th, is for. Thank you to all who have served.
