A/N: Um. Yeah. Rating is up to M now. Some of you know what to expect. For the ones who don't: WARNING: This chapter contains graphically described child abuse, rape, and self mutilation. There. You can't blame me now if you come across something you don't want to read. Just skip the italics. Fai is about eight in the flashbacks. If you know someone who is being abused in any way, report it. Same goes for cutters. Don't do it, please, take it from someone who's done it and gotten through it. Anyway... Can't shake the original format… Song is "Fear" by Evans Blue. This is the first song Fai sang as the lead for the Gothix. Sakura and Kurogane say some of the same stuff (his questions from 'Savin' Me'), I think. It shows how much they each care about Fai, but it also shows just how much they'll eventually clash with each other. This chapter is more Fai development. (*sigh* Haven't we gotten through with it yet? No.) I can just see Shaoran poking Fai to death with a spork… Has anyone noticed how much like Zima (from Chobits) Kurogane's dad looks? They even have the little pony-tail thingy… Wait a second…


Gothix, Lesson Two: Fear

Guilt reflects

And then leaves the rest to me;

"It's so hot!" Fai whined, fanning himself off with his sheet music. "This place is practically a desert!"

"It'll only get hotter if you don't take off your jacket," Sakura said lightly, her fingers brushing along the keyboard as she did scales to get ready for practice. "It's not December anymore."

Fai laughed nervously, "I like this jacket!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Mm-hmm…"

Fai shifted uncomfortably, tapping the microphone to make sure it was on. There was no way he could take off his jacket; he pulled it closer around his chest. It was hot, hovering around ninety outside. Under the stage lights, it was probably closer to a hundred degrees. But Fai would rather die than take off the jacket.

Deep cuts wound themselves around his arms. He'd lost himself the other night after a particularly bad dream. He'd gone through a phase where he didn't dream at all, but now his nightmares were back with a vengeance, tearing him apart at the seams. The one the night before had been of his father in one of his rages…

The body bearing down on him was too large to fight off. He didn't even need to be restrained; the fear was enough to paralyze him. He grit his teeth against the pain of entrance—he would not scream. No. He would not give this man the pleasure of torture.

But eventually, the pain of every thrust broke him apart. "NO! STOP, PLEASE! WHAT DID WE EVER DO!?" he screamed, thrashing underneath the large man. His father grabbed his wrists, pinning him to the marble floor, treating his son with no kindness. He went harder on the blonde beneath him than he ever had before, his long hair brushing against the boy's face, the sent of alcohol tinting the air he gasped. Blood began to spill out of the little boy, slicking the floor and the man's cock, but it didn't make it any less painful for the boy.

His body took over, coping the best it could with the pain. His eyes rolled back into his head, and his head fell back onto the marble with a hard 'thwack', his body falling limp and lifeless beneath the man who was supposed to protect him.

His father smirked after finishing, pulling out of the small boy beneath him. "Because you live," he spat. "It's your fault your brother suffers. It's your fault your mother is miserable."

A strangled sob escaped his tired throat as he curled upon himself in a pool of his own blood and his father's semen. Guilt crushed down upon him.

"Oh," his brother moaned, running into the room, "It's bad this time, isn't it?"

"I can't move," the first murmured. "He was mad."

"I'm sorry… We have to do something…"

"Why?"

"It hurts mother to see you like this."

His face crumpled and tears fell from his eyes to join the reddish-pink mixture of fluids on the floor.

"Let's run away, disappear. I don't want to live anymore, Fai."

"Yes…"

His hands shook, a chill flowing down his spine despite the heat. "L-let's start," he murmured, anxious to lose himself in the music. "I'll do the song first so Sakura-chan can get a hang of the synth part…"

He still blamed himself for his mother and brother's deaths. It would have never happened if he'd just taken what was doled out to him. His brother would have been fine— their father liked to torture him more. If he hadn't decided to run away with his brother, then their father would have never gotten mad… would have never murdered…

He sang, trying to lose himself quickly. He longed for it now. The knife under his hand, pressed to his skin. To slice himself open. He needed it right now. To forget about what he could not control in what he could. Escape from one flow of blood with another. His hands twitched against the microphone, as he tried to keep his voice from shaking.

His head was oddly fuzzy. He felt chilled, and the room spun beneath his feet. He leaned forward against the microphone, suddenly weak.

It started with a flash of light,

A fist's grip was loosened just a bit;

He felt his body disobey his mind, and he fell back, blinded by the lighting before everything went black.

"Fai, can you hear me?"

Fai groaned, unwilling to open his eyes. He felt lighter. A cool rag was pressed against his forehead, but he still felt weird. Like he'd been stuffed with cotton. His stomach heaved slightly, and he groaned again.

The rag was removed, replaced with one that dripped water all over his face.

"Fai? Are you okay?"

"Leave him there, Watanuki," another voice responded coolly.

Fai frowned, that was a female voice, a very familiar one at that… Though the tone wasn't…. "Sa…Sakura-chan?" he mumbled, blinking open his eyes.

"Don't call me 'chan'!" She hissed. "You don't even deserve to call my name!"

Fai sat up, rubbing his temples; his head hurt. A shiver passed through his body, and with a jolt he realized why Sakura sounded so mad… He stole a glance at Watanuki's face—it was slightly sad, his eyes deep with hurt and betrayal.

He'd passed out from heat, apparently… and they'd taken off his shirt. He hugged himself tightly, "Look, I…"

"You worthless piece of crap!" Sakura shrieked, "What the hell do you think you're doing to yourself!?"

"I know what I'm doing!"

Sakura stomped forward, grabbing an arm, shaking it. Fai winced, the motion jostling some of the cuts, pulling them open again.

"Do you want to die?!"

It took a moment for Fai to answer, "Yes," he whispered.

Sakura froze, and then began to shake, tears building in her eyes, "Then why do this? Why make us care about you?" she whispered, motioning to herself, Shaoran, and Watanuki. "Why? That's not fair! We've all seen enough people close to our hearts die!"

"Didn't know. Don't care," Fai muttered, turning his head away.

Sakura reached back, raising her hand to strike Fai.

"Sakura don't!" both Shaoran and Watanuki shouted just as her hand made contact with Fai's face.

"We love you, Fai! Do you not care?! I bet you don't even like us! I bet you don't even like me! I! All you care about is your own little farce," she cried, hiccupping softly as she tried to get the words out.

"You don't know my pain."

"We all hurt Fai! But we have enough sense to confide in others! To trust other humans!" She cupped her face in her hands, sobbing loudly for a few minutes before she managed to say the death blow to Fai; "I never want to see you again… I don't want to have anything to do with you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Fai asked emotionlessly.

"Yes."

"I don't care," Fai murmured mechanically, pushing his forehead against his knees. Unbeknownst to the others, tears began to smart against his eyes, trickling slowly down his cheeks. His face burned in shame, and the side of his face where Sakura hit him throbbed.

Sakura gave a loud whimper, then turned and dashed off, her cries audible until the auditorium doors slammed shut.

"Look what you've gone and done, pretty boy," Shaoran hissed before taking off after Sakura.

"Gallant one, he is," Watanuki mumbled, settling himself down next to Fai.

"Don't you hate me too?" Fai inquired, toneless.

"I would, you see, if I didn't know any better. I know you're crying," he said gently, reaching out to wrap his arm around Fai's shoulder.

"How?"

"The dead tone," Watanuki mused, "And I could see your shoulders shaking."

Fai nodded, tears dripping off his face. He turned, pressing his face into his friend's shoulder. "I don't know how to trust," he whispered.

"You just start by saying sorry."

"I'm sorry," Fai murmured, sounding like a lost child. "I told you I wouldn't."

"I knew you would," Watanuki said sadly. "Growing up with Yuuko-san's given me an excellent intuition, you see."

"Shaoran's going to hurt me," the blonde whispered, holding tightly to Watanuki.

"And Touya too, but Tsukishiro-san will hold him back like he always does," the bespectacled boy teased, stroking Fai's hair softly.

"I deserve it."

"No you don't… okay, maybe just a little bit from Sakura-chan herself," Watanuki laughed, then sighed softly. "You don't need to be hurt any more than you already are."

"You wouldn't happen to want to go out with me, would you?"

"Mm, I think you're mistaking platonic love for romantic love again… Besides, I have someone to love already," Watanuki mumbled wistfully. He then chuckled, "So, I'll have to pass you up on that one, Fai."

"Aw, damn," the blonde whined, smiling waveringly. "I can't seem to get those two straight."

"Well, I assume you've been alone for a long time. I don't blame you, you honestly can't tell the difference. "

Fai looked up, frowning, "How did you know?"

Watanuki smiled softly, tipping his head to the side to study Fai. "You didn't know how much it would hurt us."

"Us?"

"Sakura-chan's not the only one who's upset," the boy murmured, "I am too. And Shaoran-kun. You might not like him much, and he you, but he still cares. He trusted you enough to allow you to date Sakura-chan."

"So what do I do now?"

"Like I said, you apologize. Sakura-chan is very kind, but she's been alone too," Watanuki said, nodding softly. "She'll come around. And she'll hate it every time you do it, because she loves you—oh not romantically, Shaoran's the one for her— but she tends to treat you like she were your mother."

Fai nodded quietly; he'd noticed. "So all I do is apologize?"

"I assume it's all you can do. I may be disappointed, but I trust you enough to know that you won't leave us. You do know that we would be very upset if you died, right? Good."

He didn't know what it was, but he felt as if something heavy had been removed from his chest. Like the vice that had been gripping his heart for months had been loosened. He beamed, the smile lighting up his entire face, and for that moment, he was happy. "I'll do my best," he promised.

He couldn't promise more than that. He couldn't bear hurting Watanuki by making a promise he knew he couldn't keep. Time was ticking for him. He never knew when he would have to leave this town, flee it like hell was on his heels…

Because it would be when the time to run came.

There's a constant slip out of the positive

And you waste more perfect time than you tend to give.

"Oi! Kinomoto! What's your problem!?"

Finally, she stopped running, turning to face him. She attempted to pull her features into the customary scowl that she used on him, but failed miserably. Tears ran down her face, and she launched herself into his arms, something she hadn't done since she was young. "So stupid!" she sobbed. "I!"

"Sh… it'll be okay," he mumbled, hugging her tightly. He didn't want to win her like this… He squeezed her, frowning deeply. That boy would be in a hell of pain for making her cry like that. "I'll be here," he said softly. He wouldn't take advantage of the situation like he wanted to, he wouldn't tell her 'I told you so'… he would just be there.

Like he'd always been there; like he always would be there.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Sakura mumbled, tearing herself away from her childhood friend; "No 'I told you so'?"

Shaoran shook his head, "I'm not that cruel… I'll tell you something though… Please, don't waste your time chasing after other boys…"

Sakura looked up at Shaoran frowning, "Who, then?"

"Me," Shaoran murmured, gently grabbing Sakura's arms, "I'm not going to force you to go out with me… but please, at least spend time with me! We used to be inseparable, Sakura-san…"

"Then my sister died."

Shaoran looked away, his eyes soft, "Yeah. I… You were so upset… I didn't know how to comfort you. I said stupid stuff, so I let Syaoron deal with it. He's better at being nice than I am."

Sakura's eyes gleamed with something unreadable. "You were being mean to me because you didn't know how to be nice?"

"I… felt like I was wasting your time."

"You are wasting my time, Shaoran-kun! Every second that you're shying away from the truth—those are moments that we could be together!"

Shaoran stared at Sakura, cheeks pink, "You mean?"

"Yes, I like you too, you stupid, thick headed… boy!"

Shaoran laughed, then leaned forward and gently kissed her on the cheek. "Now, will you be terribly upset if I beat up Flowright?"

Sakura shook her head, "Don't do it… If you must do it, don't do it where I can see it," she sighed. "I'm mad, but not sadistic."

"I won't knock his teeth out," Shaoran promised. "I'll let Touya do that."

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Boys."

All the fear and all the cares of the world

Never forced themselves into my arms

It was your fear that helped me

Your fear that got me to move

Straight from your heart into their sight.

Sakura walked tentatively back into the auditorium, wringing her hands. She scanned the stage, were Watanuki and Fai were goofing off, playing a nonsensical melody. Fai's back was to the entrance, as he was facing Watanuki—he'd put his shirt back on.

Watanuki noticed her first. He surveyed her, then grinned, seeing Shaoran behind her, his cheeks still rather red. He nudged Fai with his elbow, waving at Sakura at the same time. She waved back sheepishly.

Fai turned slowly, chewing his lip. Sakura sighed, recognizing the sign. Fai always bit his lip when he was anxious or worried about something. Always. "One day, you're going to bite right through it, and then I'll laugh."

Fai smiled softly, nodding. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. He put down his guitar, sliding off the stage, walking towards Sakura. She stepped towards him, meeting him half-way across the auditorium.

"I… I'm sorry," Fai whispered. Fear gnawed at his stomach. What if she's still super mad? What if she stops being my friend?

Sakura raised her hands, and Fai flinched slightly, expecting another smack. Sakura rolled her eyes, squishing Fai's cheeks beneath her palms. "You are an idiot!" She admonished. "Buy me chocolate," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am," Fai murmured weakly, reaching up to grab her hands. "Still friends?"

"Yes, let's just be friends. Fai… may I say one more thing as your girlfriend before we break up?"

Fai nodded, frowning, "Thought you already had, but, what the hell…?"

Sakura threw her arms around him, shaking, "I'm scared for you, Fai! You need help! I'm so scared!"

Fai sighed, hugging Sakura tightly. He understood fear… but… no one had ever been afraid for him before… Not even him, for he was too busy fearing for his own life. His mother was frightened of their father, but not of what was happening to them… She was sad about that, yes… but not scared. It was odd. He didn't know how to accept it.

"Sakura-chan, I've made a decision… I'll be the vocalist for real," he murmured, kissing her on the forehead. He then pulled away from her, passing Sakura to Shaoran. "Take care of her, Shaoran."

"Better than you did, for sure," Shaoran snorted.

"Boys," Sakura sighed.

Grace and hope

I'm sure are on the way;

They clamored up in their mother's lap, pressing close to her cool body. She held them tight, pressing her face close to theirs. "One day, you'll be free of this place," she promised.

"We're thinking about running away."

An odd sort of smile passed across their mother's pale face, her eyes lighting up briefly for a moment. "I see…Shall I tell you one last story before you leave, my darlings?"

The two boys nodded, their heads bobbing enthusiastically. They clung to their mother, holding close. She was their haven, their final haven in a world that had failed them.

"There once was a large city, filled with skyscrapers and cars… but there were no people."

"Where were the people, momma?" "There have to be some people there, or else there wouldn't be any buildings, Yuui!"

Freya laughed softly, patting one of the boys on the head. "There were people, but they couldn't see them up close. They could see their shadows, smiling and laughing in the windows. No one was alone. Except for the one person. He was the only one alone."

"Well that's dumb. Doesn't he have a brother?" One muttered, grabbing onto his brother's hand. "Fai!" The other whined, "Shh!"

"He was alone, and he wandered the town, searching. He knew if he couldn't find them there, he'd have to go to another town. He wandered, lonely, scared, and hurt, searching for the person just for him."

"Who's that, momma?"

Freya leaned down and kissed the boy who asked on the forehead, "The person who will truly take you away from here. They will take away all your pain when you're with them… but when you're not, it will hurt, like something is crushing your heart, a burden too heavy to bear. But you will be happy; you will want to be with them all the time. No matter what you feel, it will be stronger than if you were alone."

"Will they come now, momma?"

"No, Yuui… I'm afraid not… you two will have to search hard. But, my darling children… there is someone just for you. Who will love you no matter what, and save you…Who will take you away from this, who will save you…You must be strong."

Fai opened his eyes, tears flowing down his face. He sat up in his bed, shaking as he wiped away his tears. "Mom… did you know something we didn't?" he whispered, lying back on his bed.

He slid back into sleep, walking the corridors of his dreams once more.

He padded down an empty street. He looked around, light diffusing the night air. Buildings climbed into the air around him, bright squares cutting through the emptiness in the air. He walked tentatively forward, biting his lip. Where was he? He turned his face upwards, watching sadly as the silhouettes of his friends gathered in a room just out of his grasp.

"There are no people in this city," he murmured in awe. Was this a dream of a memory? Of the story his mother was so fond of telling?

A hand slipped into his own, pulling him forward. "Who are you lonely without?"

Fai gasped, staring down at himself in miniature. His brother, his twin brother. Without the blood that marred his features in his dreams. His brother, his little brother… stuck at the age he died…

"Who are you lonely without?"

Fai shook his head, stumbling after the little blonde boy, "No one…"

"You're in a city with no people… You are lonesome."

"Yes."

His mirror smiled, then faded away, and Fai looked around, a path stretching itself out below his feet. He tracked its progress, gasping as it led to a familiar light. He ran forward, until he collided with the man from the shadows.

This time, he was less shadow, his body more substantial. "Does it hurt?"

"Yes. When you leave, it hurts."

"Then find me; seek me out."

"Who are you?"

"Find me," the man murmured, turning his back, slowly walking away into the light that first beckoned Fai.

And then he was awake again. He rubbed his forehead, wondering if prescribing in a few good sleeping pills would save him from the torment.

If it was possible to fall in love with someone from a dream, well then he was. It was more likely that he was insane. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to clear the after-image of the man's profile from his mind.

It was so familiar… who did it remind him of? He closed his eyes again. None of his friends had that deep a voice, or that solid a build. Shaoran was short, but lithe, and Watanuki was tall and skinny, like he was… Who?

It ended with a twist of fate,

And now the hearts are breaking just a bit,

"So! The competition's in a few weeks," Fai announced, handing out sheet music to his friends. "Now that school's out, thank god for the end of middle school—" he was met by a collective cheer— "We need to practice every spare moment!"

"By the way, I'll be singing."

Sakura giggled, clapping happily, "Yay, Fai!"

Fai rolled his eyes, "Don't try so hard, Sakura-chan. I know you hate every Band-Aid on my body."

Sakura sighed, "Yes," she murmured, shuffling her sheet music.

Fai gave a sad smile, looking down at his arms self-consciously. Koryo was practically a desert during the summer, so he'd given up long sleeves and layers. "I'm sorry."

Sakura shook her head, "Don't say it if you're not going to stop."

"Can we practice now?" Shaoran complained lightly, sprawled out over his drum set, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Patience is a virtue," Sakura sang.

"That I don't have!" Shaoran muttered, rolling his eyes.

Fai laughed at the two, picking up his guitar. "Alright, guys!" He strummed the first few lines, humming along to make sure he was in tune. "Let's hit this!"

He hated the fact that he was hurting Sakura and Watanuki. But… he just couldn't stop… he couldn't bring himself to stop… He'd rather face the pain than face life as an empty shell… And part of him… enjoyed causing the girl just a little pain… He felt betrayed; he shouldn't but that didn't change the fact that he did.

And the consequence was negative…

So you killed more precious lives than you had let live!

"You go first," his brother urged, pushing him through the window.

He held tight to the ledge, his feet swinging over the hedges, "But, what if poppa finds out?"

"I'll cover for you…"

"You can't be two places at once."

"Dad likes to bully you, not me. It's not fair; I'll just… you go first!" His brother began peeling his fingers up, trying to urge him away from the house.

He leaned up, kissing his brother on the cheek, "Come find me at the valley on our birthday."

"I'll be there. Nothing can stop me. You'll never be alone."

"Tell momma I love her."

"I will. Go!"

He let go, tumbling into the shrubbery. He sat still for a moment, then took off into the night.

- - - - -

His brother hadn't joined him yet. He was supposed to come and hide with him on their birthday. He bit his lip, sliding into the house through the dog-door, thankful that he was so small. "Mother?" he called. He knew better to call his twin's name.

An acrid smell met his nose. Like alcohol mixed with metal and something rotten. He slowly slinked into the living room, blinking against the dark. He reached up with a small hand to flick on the chandelier lights. They fuzzed to life, casting the room in a peculiar red glow.

He stumbled forward, falling onto his hands. The carpet squished obscenely under his hands, and he lifted them up to stare at his red-covered palms.

Blood.

Then flames.

Then black.

Gone.

All the fear and all the cares of the world

Never forced themselves into my arms

It was your fear that helped me

Your fear that got me to move

Straight from your heart into their sight.

He was scared of losing. It crushed him every night. The prospect of dreaming, the knowledge that the next day might be his last here; that the next day he might have to leave everything behind… It sat on his shoulders every night, folding him down onto himself. Never once had he reached out, never once had he attempted to live since he walked into that house seven years ago. What would happen to him if this, too, was ripped from him?

He would go on, he supposed. He flopped back into his bed, curling around his pillow. He had to make a mark here. So he could be remembered, so he could one day, hopefully return. He didn't want to be forgotten… he didn't want to disappear from this place.

"I want to find you," he murmured, biting his lip. Who was that man? "I need to talk with you…"

There were so many things he wanted… Right now, he wanted to make it to tomorrow, to live without living vicariously, to see his friends happy, to make it through the contest…

His eyes slid shut, and his lips moved softly, barely breathing out the words, "I want to talk to Kurogane Suwa," he murmured, fading away into sleep.

For shame on you!

Who cares about me anyway!?

I don't mind you—

"Fai, why do you do that to yourself?" Sakura inquired, frowning at her friend. Fai shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he sipped at his iced-coffee. "I know you know."

"Eh."

"Why don't you tell me? Talking about it can help!"

"You sound like Fuu-sensei," Fai muttered, sticking his finger into the drink to fish out some whipped cream. He lapped it off his finger, much like a cat.

"So?"

"Don't do it, it's not sexy."

Sakura huffed, throwing her spoon at Fai. Fai laughed, dodging it. It hit her brother square in the back as he stood from busing the table behind them.

Both Sakura and Fai affixed on the appropriate innocent looks as Touya turned around, seething. "Alright—brat, monster, who threw that?"

Fai blinked, used to the nickname brat by now. Sakura growled, throwing balled up napkins at her brother, "You're so mean, oniichan! I am not a monster!"

"Oh, so it was you!" Touya leered, leaning on their table.

"It was Shaoran-kun, Touya-san," Fai said sweetly, pointing to the table behind Sakura where Shaoran and Watanuki sat, debating hotly over whose turn it was to lock up Yuuko's shop.

Sakura's eyes grew wide as she looked at Fai incredulously; Touya however, seemed to buy it (or at least thought it was a valid enough reason to pick on his little sister's new boyfriend), and he stood straight, wielding his cleaning cloth as a weapon, "Twerp!"

"Why did you do that?" Sakura asked once her brother had left (she didn't feel like protecting Shaoran from Touya's (undeserved) wrath at the moment).

"Felt like it."

Sakura sighed, "Then back to the matter," she continued as Touya tortured Shaoran in the background. (Yukito stepped in before things came to bloodshed between the two.) "Tell me."

"Because I feel like it."

"I don't believe that."

"Huh, so I tell you the truth and you don't believe it?" Fai said haughtily, returning back to drinking his drink. "I just… feel like it, so I do it. I like the way it feels. It's so clear. You should try it."

"I'm worried, Fai," Sakura urged, fiddling with the remains of her brownie.

"Don't," Fai snapped, "It irritates me."

Sakura dropped her head, looking hurt.

"I don't mean you irritate me," Fai said hastily; he was heavily reminded of his first week at school, where he kept saying the wrong things to the girl. "I just… I'm not worth being worried over by such a cute girl like you," he murmured, reaching out to stroke her cheek.

He was immediately assaulted by a wet towel and a Spork—Shaoran on the end of the latter, and Touya on the end of the former. "You! Don't touch Sakura!" they both cried.

Fai shrank back into his seat, laughing, "Hyuu! Well, excuse me!"

Sakura studied him sadly, then kicked her brother in the shin for interrupting her conversation. (Shaoran would be punished later.)

It'd mean so much

If you'd just save me!

Save me!

He closed the door to his apartment, leaning against it heavily. Familiar. Everything was becoming too familiar.

He fumbled through his pants pocket, pulling out the utility knife he always carried. Before, it was for self-defense. Now, it was for self-offense. He flipped it open deftly, even though his hands were shaking with the onslaught of a panic attack.

He raised it, and closed his eyes in an almost ritualistic reverence. He inhaled sharply through his teeth, then pressed the knife to the underside of his forearm. Straight across the white flesh, sinking in smoothly. He jerked it out, feeling the blood well up from the wound. He clenched his fist, his arm shuddering as he did so. Blood spurted out of the gash, his nerves on fire. He centered in on the pain, his breath hissing out of his lips.

He calmed considerably, the buzz of adrenaline replacing the anxiousness in his brain. The world focused into a sharp clarity, then fuzzed out, then swung back into focus again. He raised the blade, shining with a red film, up to his biceps and made three cuts in short procession against the curve of his arm. He leaned down, cleaning the flat of the blade with his tongue, the metallic taste of his own blood burning his tongue and his eyes stung with tears. He dropped it on the floor, clamping his free hand around his elbow to stem the flow from his first cut.

He wandered to his bathroom, trailing red across the light wood floors as he traipsed across his apartment.

He cleaned his wounds, wrapping a bandage tightly against his forearm, wincing as he tried to tie it one handedly. He then sunk down onto the floor, curling up on his bathmat, falling into exhaustion.

Maybe he was stupid for putting more pain into his already miserable life. Maybe he wanted to die. But… he needed something… someone… to hold him together…

Or else he'd fall to pieces on the spot.

"All the fear and all the cares of the world

Never forced themselves into my arms

It was your fear that helped me

Your fear that got me to move

Straight from your heart into their sight."

It was funny, he wasn't nervous at all. Sakura always complained of the jitters before a concert. He leaned into his guitar as he pressed his mouth up to the mic, belting out every note. Maybe it was because he wasn't singing for them. He was doing it for himself. He was doing it to show his friends that he was still on solid ground.

Yeah, he was scared, but it pushed him forward; it was incentive. He was scared of being forgotten, so he made friends. He was afraid of losing his friends, so he asked out Sakura. He was scared of losing her, so he sang. He was afraid of losing someone he'd never met… so he sang. It was a roundabout circle, but… it worked.

He finished off the song, pushing the microphone away, bowing over his guitar. He stood straight after catching his breath, waving with a huge smile on his face.

"Give it up for the Gothix! Our winners of this summer's Battle of the Bands!"

Maybe… just maybe… he'd found a place to call his own.