Dear Diary
Synopsis: Mikasa receives a diary for her birthday.
Dear Diary,
Armin gave me this for my birthday. He said I should write in it whenever I can and start it off with the phrase "Dear Diary". I told him I didn't know what to write about, and he told me to write about anything and everything.
Does this count?
Today, Eren puked from a cold, I was very concerned and stole some herbs for him. I think someone might've seen me, but they haven't said anything.
As long as Eren's safe, I don't care how many laps I have to run.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
Eren's cold got worse, I stole some more herbs for him. This time I am certain someone was watching me.
I hope Eren feels better soon.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
I found a jug of milk in my room today, just lying there. I took a sip, it tasted good, so I gave it to Eren. I'm sure he liked it. Every time he's pleased, his fingers wiggle, I don't think he notices.
I have to find a way to steal some more milk.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
I went to see Annie today, she's in her crystal as usual.
I think I saw her eyebrow twitch.
Eren's looking much better.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
That irksome shortie gave Eren an apple.
Eren likes apples.
I found a place to steal milk, now I just have to find apple trees.
I wonder if they'll grow if I plant them.
I should ask Armin.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
I planted the apple seeds in a pot by my window. Armin said he read in a book that I can move it outside when it becomes too big. I wonder how long it will take before Eren can eat the apples.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
There aren't many of us left. Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt are traitors. They will be exterminated.
But I can't hate them. I want to kill them, tell them what they did was wrong, I want to ask them why, and I want to punish them. But I can't hate them. I should hate them. I know I should.
Ymir and Christa and are nowhere to be found, I wonder if they hold a grudge against me. 'Eren was in danger, and Eren is more important'. I keep telling myself that, yet I can't help but remember the time we spent together. For the first time, I had friends and comrades other than Eren and Armin. It feels so strange every time I think of them. My throat hurts.
Am I sick?
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
Someone washed my scarf for me. It smells like… fresh air. I feel so free without the stench of dried blood and rotten dirt.
Thank you, whoever you are.
-Mikasa
Dear Diary,
60th expedition outside the walls. Connie Springer, Sasha Braus, valiantly gave their lives for the good of humanity.
Lest we forget.
-Mikasa Ackerman
Dear Diary,
I cried today. I want someone beside me. It feels so odd. I've never had to sleep in a room alone before. It used to be Eren, and sometimes Armin. Then it was Annie, Ymir, Christa and Sasha.
The room feels so big without them, but the air feels so tight.
I can't breathe.
-M
Dear Diary.
I am now part of Heichou's squad.
It's so tiring.
That's true, but I have to fight, for Eren, for Armin, for Sasha.
And for myself.
-M
Dear Diary,
I moved my apple tree out a while ago, it's growing at a crawling speed.
-M
Dear Diary,
It doesn't feel right without somebody trying to steal my food.
-M
Dear Diary,
Levi ties his cravat funny.
-M
Dear Diary,
I miss it, the noise. It helps when Levi's around though, because he talks a lot. Usually about useless stuff, but it becomes easier to inhale. The air doesn't hurt my lungs as much.
-M
Dear Diary,
I can't eat potatoes anymore. Every time I see one, I just want to fall down and curl into a ball. My legs feel so weak. Even smelling it is painful.
-M
Dear Diary,
I lost my scarf.
-M
Dear Diary,
My neck is always so cold without it, I wonder where it went. I think Eren's trying to knit a new one for me.
I don't have the heart to tell him to stop.
-M
Dear Diary,
Levi told me how babies are made, but childbirth sounds like torture.
-M
Dear Diary,
It's been a while since I laughed, I didn't know that I found shit jokes funny. I laughed so hard I started crying, and the tears won't stop because for some reason, it reminded me of potatoes, and potatoes always makes me cry.
Levi gave me a cravat, I'll wear it until Eren finishes knitting. It's warm and silky against my skin. When he touched me, it felt weird, and I wanted him to touch me more, so I grabbed his hand, but the contact made me suddenly let go. That was strange.
-M
Dear Diary,
The only people who possesses the power to hurt me, do so too often.
-M
Dear Diary,
The next expedition is soon, and my apple tree has grown bigger. Armin told me it won't harbour fruit until years later. So I stole some milk for Eren instead.
It's been a while since I looked at Armin. He's grown taller than me, but he's still too thin. Eren has been growing too, I think it might be the milk. I don't think Jean's too pleased though.
It doesn't feel right, looking up at them.
It's still more comfortable to look down at Levi.
-M
Dear Diary,
I visited Annie again, I asked her about the potatoes. She didn't say anything, obviously.
It seems that I can eat them again. They taste really good, but they make my chest ache.
-M
Dear Diary,
Eren, Armin, please stay safe. Levi too. He has me hooked to his jokes, and I still have to give him back his cravat.
I too, have to stay safe.
I can't let him bear the burden of this world alone.
I won't let him walk alone in the rain.
I refuse to become nothing more than a memory, waiting to fade away, refuse to think of him drowning in sorrow over my frozen, useless body, refuse to think that my scent will remain stubbornly in the air around him.
Because if I die, there will be no more hope for the day that I can hold his hand along the shores of the ocean.
But I am yet a solider, and there is nothing I can treasure when my conscience overpowers my body, when my emotions last longer than my beating pulse.
If I die, will you cry?
-M
It falls, brighter and more charming than cloudless rain. The way a single tear tainted away the endless night of the inky last letter. It dissolves, crawling through the page like a dozen of caterpillars.
The previously polished letter is now a mess, a deviant from the simple, yet elegant handwriting.
In that moment, digressing from those dark apathetic eyes, was torment.
Except it was a confusing kind of torment because his thin lips were upturned, wrinkling in the corners and trembling like the pages of the diary that was clasped in his hands.
He was disembodied, light-headed, and heavy-hearted. A patter of hot rain brushed through the little leather bounded book, and he struggled like a broken kitten to keep the curve of his lips intact, and the numbness in his knees upright.
"I won't cry." was the thin and silvery reply, muddled by hesitation and a dislodged attempt at indifference. It was, just like the rest of him, in agony.
And it was beautiful.
"You deserve more than that."
The diary of Mikasa Ackerman as well as the rest of her belongings rested with Eren Jäger.
Her room was given to a batch of young girls from the 110th trainee squad. A pretty apple tree stood tall out the window, a blood red scarf tied to one of its branches and a crisp white cravat on another.
