Wednesday January 7th 2015
Day three of trying to get back to normal and I can honestly say it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I won't say I'm not enjoying life a little, that would be untrue but it's hard trying to pick up almost where I left off, just without Christian.
I'm sleeping back in mine and his room, I don't know why but the suffocation I told Sandra I feared isn't here. Instead I feel an utter calmness and love engulf me. He's here with me, more than anywhere else he's here. I'm not saying that everything here stays the same. I have already managed to clear away some of his things. His suits, they were the first to be bagged. I Called Kate and asked her to speak to Elliot about them, if there was any of his clothes he wanted. He said no and Carricks reply was the same. They're just clothing, the only sentimentality in them is the fact that Christian wore them and I somehow find i easier to bag them all and ask Gail to have them dry cleaned before sending them to a charity who ask for clothes for homeless people. They support them in getting jobs and so I can imagine that having a collection of high quality suits will help them immensely. I clean out some of my own clothes in the process too. No longer do I need a huge collection of office clothing and seeing as I'm trying to get back into the spotlight through my music it's also time to get rid of some of the old pieces that are well out of fashion now.
I thought it would have hurt a lot more than it did. I had expected to cry a lot through it but I didn't. Surprisingly cleaning out some of his possessions has been verycathartic, I felt so close to him while doing it but that feeling didn't go away when I closed the bags and put them outside the door. I don't know what to take from it, I don't know if it means he approves or if I'm proving to myself I don't need his belongings to feel his love for him.
The chorus of breathe slow has been leaked today, I'm checking Twitter like crazy trying to find out what people think of it. If the public hate it, en it could be the end of my music career. I'm doing a three quarter day at grey records today, laying down e rest of the overlays on breathe slow while also trying to figure out what type of artist to sign on to the books, the company cannot go on just managing my career and the three people who were signed while I was off for the year haven't exactly made it big.
"In respect of Christian's memory I think we should sign someone new, fresh and unknown." I tell Lila as we sit eating lunch.
"Ok. That could work." Lila nods though I know she wants us to steal a big name from another company.
"Christian bought small companies and built them up, if they worked he kept them, if they didn't he broke them up and sold them on. I think it's what he would do with here too. I mean sign someone new, spend a year with them making records and if it works, we keep them, if not we don't sign them again, cut our loses and try again." I explain, I mean it's technically what he wanted to do with me as an artist, take it one record at a time and if it didn't work I'd go back to writing and Christian would do what he wanted with Grey records.
"Sounds good to me." Lila smiles. "We just have to find someone."
"We could hold auditions." I say thinking it would be the best way forward.
"How about asking people to submit recordings and inviting the best handful for a closed audition?" Lila suggests. "Otherwise you could end up spending weeks auditioning those who can't sing." She adds explaining her train of thought.
"Maybe after this single comes out we can spend a week, you me and Tito, trying to find the perfect person to sign up." I suggest making her nod excitedly, I now the two of them are desperate for us to have more talent on the books, I just haven't been in the state of mind till now to contemplate it.
After lunch we begin laying down the main tune of Happy. I can't wait to release either of the two songs. It's really exciting because both of them are really songs about moving on without forgetting, sort of anyway, I mean I didn't want my first comeback song to be about missing Christians and greving which is what a lot of my first few songs were about after he died.
"Have you thought about learning to play an instrument?" Lila asks as she walks me out to the car at the end of the day. I see her looking at me closely, I know she doesn't want to upset me or cross me but I know she's asking because she knew Christian played the piano.
"I've thought about it." I shrug ,I don't want to admit it's something I've been doing for nearly a year. Learning to play the piano was how I coped with the lonely nights. You can learn anything thanks to YouTube.
"You have a heck of an ear for music Ana, you can tell that with how you can harmonise yourself. I mean, maybe you could sit at the piano and try and learn to play your own songs by ear, then get proper lessons to learn chords and stuff. I think it would do a wonder for your future in music."
"Hmm." I reply arriving at the side of Lexus. "I'll think about it." I reply, not wanting to say yes or no, I mean playing in the comfort of my own home is one thing. I don't think I'm ever going to be ready to let anyone else see me play. I mean, I don't even know if I'm any good!
"Ok. See you tomorrow Ana." She smiles as I open the door before turning on her heels and heading back inside, I know they have to mix Breathe Slow now so it can be ready for release. I know we are all getting nervous for the release, not so much for the public reaction but the publicising that needs to be done, no one knows how I'm going to even consider or cope with the thought.
Of course, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about it. I know what is needed to be done but I also don't know how I'm going to do it either. That's the biggest problem.
Some of the publicising will be easy enough to do. Radio here in Seattle and the surrounding area will be good but I know a trip to LA or NYC is also on the cards and with the kids and still adjusting to life without Christian I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know if I should.
Christian wouldn't have anything else. He would want me on a plane to New York getting me to work my ass off while he continuously would remind me that I deserve it and he loves me but he isn't here now, he isn't here to push me into doing it and support me while I do it.
Maybe I could do a weekend in New York just two or three apperances on some shows and then do a longer stint when the album is released. A trip to London will be required then to but that's ok, I haven't been since Christian died and I know it's necessary to go there to my house and take the kids. Even if it's a holiday and not a business thing.
I arrive home to see Taylor standing outside the front door, he looks ok, there's no sign of concern or anything on his face, if anything he looks quite nervous and unsure of what to do, I step out of the car and smile.
"Everything ok?" I ask as I walk toward him.
"Yes I was just hoping we could talk before you go inside, I need to get to Gail and Zachary you see." He explains. I nod my head towards the path to the side of the house, I can get in through the back if our conversation is over by the time we get to the back.
"So what is it?" I ask, hoping he'll just get on with it.
"CPS have been in touch." He states and I nod, saying nothing allowing him to continue. "Before Christian died, Gail and I had started the application to adopt another child, a little girl to fulfil Zach's wish of having a sister but then after Christian... It didn't seem right."
"Jason are you telling me that you're ready now?" I ask carefully, not wanting to give away how I feel about it until I know all the facts.
"Well we hadn't thought about it until CPS got in touch and said that there was a little girl who's three and desperate for a home and with it being now almost eighteen months since we started our application if we don't take a child soon we'd have to start the process again." He explains quickly, knowing in this situation it isn't a good idea to brush around the topic.
"Jason, I appreciate you coming to discuss this with me." I say softly, I mean I wouldn't have been impressed if they'd have just done it. "If it's what you and Gail want, you bring that little girl home." I tell him with a smile, of course I'm happy for them, they have wanted this for so long but I know they've been waiting not only for themselves to be ready but for me to be too.
"Oh Ana..." Jason beams at me. "Thank you. This means so much to us, it will complete our family." He says excitedly.
"Im sorry it's taken this long Jason, I feel incredibly guilty that you almost lost the chance of having another baby because of me." I say quietly, trying not to cry though it's incredibly hard, the lump in my throat is unreal and tears pool in my eyes.
"I think somehow Ana, this has worked out right, there's a beautiful three year old desperate for a home and we can give one to her. It's fate working in everyone's favour, this child has only been available for adoption a few days, maybe if things hadn't gone the way they did last year, we still would have been waiting for is child, not finding one right for us and in the process suffering a different kind of heartbreak. I think it all is just clicking into the right place." He tells me as we arrive at the backroom. I smile and give him a big hug, still trying not cry but this time I know they've been replaced by happy tears.
"When will she be coming?" I ask. Already excited to meet this little girl.
"Well we will be collecting her on Saturday to bring her home, hopefully for good." He says smiling.
"Perfect, that means you get the weekend off and so does Gail, I'll survive with Luke and Carrie." I tell home and he nods, knowing better than to argue and probably not wanting to either. "Also, please bring her to meet me." I say quietly, feeling a little tiny bit that I have a right to meet her but knowing that if Gail and Jason didn't want to introduce her they don't have to.
"Of course, she's only just older than India, they'll hopefully be great friends." He says excitedly. "Maybe we could go out for lunch on Sunday, all of us, the kids, Luke, Carrie." He says hopeful. I nod, that sounds like a great idea. "Ok, well I'll go and tell Gail the good news. Thank you Ana." He beams.
"No, thank you Jason." I whisper has he walks away, I don't know if he hears me but I mean it.
I head indoors to see my babies and have some food. I can't help but grin happily. I really am truthfully thankful that Jason came to speak with me. I do feel this horrid guilt that so many people seem to have put their life on hold for me but that doesn't mean I don't realise what this means. Everyone is settling down. No one is forgetting Christian or what he meant to us but slowly we are all starting to feel able to move on with our lives. It seems like everyone was just waiting to see if I'd be ok first and now they see I am they realise they can too.
That night while putting my babies to bed, I realise that it really is time I show everyone what's going on in my head, how comfortable and confident I am now with continuing my life. I still have to take it one step at a time but that's ok, I can do it in my own time, one day, one step.
