Six.


Lavi does visit the area around Leicester Square pretty often since there are plenty of restaurants in Soho, but he doesn't visit the actual Chinatown as much. The streets are dim save for street lighting. There are people on the streets, but the main Asian supermarkets have already closed. It's actually half to midnight, where the Chinese restaurant he's heading towards is apparently still open.

He walks slowly, not entirely confident.

The signboard of The Lotus hangs in deep red over the entrance, and after pretending to look at the menu board outside for ten minutes, he looks at the white card in his hands again. It's creased from how he's bent the card while musing through night and day whether he should be here. There are just too many questions.

Why did Kanda's boyfriend throw this out for him? Was it an invitation? Did the other want to meet him? Did the other want to talk about them? Did he overstep—he did, he bites his lip, he so did by kissing Kanda, fuck.

He takes a deep breath and pushes past the heavy glass door.

A waitress turns at his arrival. "Sir, we're not serving anymore."

"No, I…I'm here to meet someone," he says, looking around. The restaurant looks larger on the inside, packed with tables lined with white tablecloths. There are only about three clusters of people scattered around eating, most of the dishes already empty. "One of your…employees? Um. He's a little shorter than me," he describes, thinking. "Short hair. He has a…mark on his nose, uh…"

The waitress raises her eyebrows in confusion before she eventually blinks. "Please wait a moment."

She walks deeper into the restaurant and disappears behind a divider at the back. Lavi flips the card in his hands again, staring at it until footsteps signal her return. This time, she comes with the man he's looking for behind her.

"Ah," the man hums when he sees Lavi. "I've got this," he assures the girl. "You can go home. I'll take care of the rest," he cocks his head to the rest of the lingering customers.

She smiles and murmurs a thank you, zipping away to the back.

Lavi looks at the other warily, not sure if he's welcome, but, he came for a reason.

"The least you could do was to come earlier and give me some business," Alma begins, shaking his head as steps forward.

The redhead looks rather off, eye darting around as if to take in as much of the unfamiliar surroundings in as possible. His hair is slightly mussed, probably from the number of times he's been running his hand through it, and his tie is slightly loosened, top unbutton undone.

"I didn't want to interrupt if…" Lavi tries to explain in words, but he breathes in instead. "I'm Lavi," he offers his hand.

Alma raises an eyebrow, arms crossed. "I know who you are."

It feels a bit weird whenever he scrutinizes the redhead. It's weird because of all people Kanda could've liked, it ended up being this guy. Well, he was pretty handsome if Alma had to be objective, but, he didn't get what about him that Kanda was so attached to.

Lavi presses his lips together. "I. I'm sorry," he says, holding a strong gaze. "For kissing Yuu. I didn't…it's…it's not his fault. I was the one who came onto him. He didn't even kiss me back. So," he states like some sort of final conclusion.

The redhead looks so fake trying to keep a cool front but it's obvious that he's utterly miserable, and that makes Alma's heart twitch. He contemplates making the other even more desperate but he decides it would be too cruel.

"Alma," he says finally, sighing. "That's my name. I'm Yuu's best friend, not his boyfriend," he watches a flicker of something passing through the other's eye. "I'm not interested in people of your gender—Yuu is a testament to that fact. Though, if I was interested in Yuu, you wouldn't have stood a chance in high school."

"Alma?" Lavi frowns, repeating it softly under his breath. The name is very familiar, but the memory slips from his grasp the more he tries to chase it. He gives up when it doesn't hit. "…You know about…us in high school?"

"I've been Yuu's best friend before you even met him," Alma snorts. "I know everything."

Lavi stays silent.

"Why did you come, Lavi?" Alma asks finally.

"What's wrong with Yuu?" the redhead blurts, hands clenching and unclenching in agitation. "I need to know what the hell's been—"

"There is nothing wrong with him," Alma snaps, cutting him off coldly.

Lavi's jaw tightens. "I…I saw it. Yuu was…he was trying to puke so hard I thought he was going to choke and—"

"That's a panic attack," Alma interrupts. "He gets them."

Lavi frowns, mouth opening and closing just barely, obvious that he doesn't know what to say. "…Why?"

Alma looks over to his restaurant. "Sit," he thumbs to a table. "I have customers."

When Alma walks away to answer the call from his patrons, Lavi gingerly takes off his jacket and sits himself awkwardly at one of the smaller tables. Alma comes by and drops off a plate of peeled oranges and fortune cookies plus a pot of tea causally before he's off again, speaking rapid Cantonese to someone else. There is nothing to do so Lavi pours himself a cup of tea and cracks a fortune cookie, unravelling the message inside as he chews the cracker. It's sweet.

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.

Minutes pass as the customers leave, and finally there is one old man folding up the tablecloths with Alma. Lavi glances over at them while he sips the bitter tea—it's hot and it warms his parched throat, so he has no complaints—barely hearing bits of pieces of Cantonese traded back and forth. It's not a language he knows but they're obviously talking about him.

"Yes, okay," Alma says in some exasperated tone, wincing when the elder pulls on his ear. "Okay, okay. I'll do the dishes, gramps, just go and sleep already."

"Don't stay up too late," the old man says in reply, heaving the folded clothes into his arms. He gives Lavi a curious glance but it's a short one before he goes off to the back section.

Alma makes his place into the seat opposite Lavi when they're left alone, snatching an orange slice.

"You own this place?" Lavi asks by way of breaking the ice, because the silence resounds more intimidating than he'd like to admit.

"My granddad does," Alma shrugs. "That was him, by the way."

It's fairly obvious that Kanda's 'best friend' isn't very forthcoming, but Lavi doesn't expect much more. He doesn't know exactly how to deal though—he's only here because it's the only place he's reasoned with himself that he can get some answers. He doesn't know what the other knows; what does 'everything' means? Everything from Kanda's side of the story?

What about his heartbreak, his hurt, his disappointment, his confusion?

"Why does Yuu have panic attacks?" he asks flatly. "And how often does he get them?"

Alma looks at him in a way that he really hates, all knowing and full of pity.

"I'm told you're a smart man," Alma pours himself tea as he speaks slowly. "Heir to the legal powerhouse?" he questions, but he isn't really looking for an answer. "Lavi, why do you think Yuu performed the disappearing act on you seven years ago? Why do you think he's been killing himself trying to avoid you now?"

Lavi breathes out, frustrated. "I…I don't know! Why do you think I'm even here?" he demands. "All I get is that it's because of me, but what the fuck did I do? I've done nothing to him! Nothing I can think of! If there was he should just spit it in my face, I told him so, I—" he sucks in a controlled breath, voice rising. "If I've hurt him I would've done anything to make it up to him but I can't fucking do anything if I don't fucking know what the fuck is going on!" he yells.

He trembles from just how furious he is—at everything.

A loud snap comes from Alma cracking a fortune cookie in half, and Lavi deflates, struggling to control his emotions.

"Then," Alma says calmly. "Tell me what you know.

And Lavi does.

"In the first year, I…" he begins, voice subdued. "After…I told Yuu I liked him, he said he did too. I asked him out and we did a couple of times, but he never seemed to like it. He never wanted to have dinner with me and we never even held hands. We only watched movies, and when we were watching a movie he'd disappear for half of the time and after three weeks he told me he couldn't hang out anymore because he needed to study for A levels, which, was a totally legitimate reason," he relates.

"But he studied alone and I never saw him unless we were in class. During the exams I only saw him in the hall where he sat rows away diagonally from me, and the last day…he didn't even bother to wait for me. I saw him walk out the school gates into a taxi and that was it," Lavi swallows. "He didn't turn up to receive his results. No one knew where he went, whether he was going to college or he got a job, or anything. And I..." he closes his eyes. "…For years, I…" he whispers, voice almost cracking. "I thought I saw him everywhere."

Alma leans forward, a very slight sigh in his posture. "This is a gamble I'm taking," he says, almost reluctantly. "But I'll tell you as it is. It's really simple, to be honest," he shakes his head, lip twitching. "You made Yuu like you. Hell, he's probably in love with you, except I think it's more of an unhealthy obsession than actual love," he frowns slightly. "But anyway, because of this, he gets panic attacks over you."

Lavi's eyebrows knit together, so Alma elaborates.

"The disappearances during your movie dates? He was in the bathroom freaking out. When he thinks about you, he freaks out. When he sees you, he freaks out. When you touch him—you saw what happened: he freaks the fuck out. Are you getting the pattern?"

"What…? Why?"

"You make him uncomfortable. And I don't mean uncomfortable in the face your fears shit. I mean it in the trauma inducing shit. He gets nervous around you, and then he panics more about getting nervous. It's a vicious cycle," Alma sighs. "Social anxiety. Look it up."

"Couldn't he just…calm down? I wouldn't have done anything to him, I—"

"You think asking him to calm the fuck down is a solution?" Alma coughs in incredulity. "Dude, you think telling Yuu to calm down while he's trying to heck up blood is going to work? If it was that simple do you think you'd be here?"

"Then…shouldn't Yuu get medication for it?" Lavi asks, frowning. "I mean, there are ways to deal with it, right? Therapy?"

"The first and last time I said that to Yuu, he punched me," Alma snorts. "Various reasons. Pride issues. Yuu refuses to let anyone know. Hell, he's scared. He doesn't want to be labelled, to be stuck in a slump. He thinks he can deal with it and he has, most of the time. Except when it's about you."

The redhead blinks quiet. "…But…why? Couldn't he just…tell me? And it doesn't change the past seven years, I—"

"You were hurt, I get that," Alma looks at him. "But it wasn't easy on Yuu, okay? He lived the guilt knowing the consequences of what he did. He is still living the guilt. I'm not saying you suffered less—hell, you seem pretty wrecked, that's why you're even talking to me, right?" he cocks an eyebrow. "I'm just saying that if you've been through the past seven years with Yuu…you would know how much he hated himself for it. Everyday."

"But…but why?" Lavi presses. "Why does Yuu have anxiety? Did something happen to him when he was a kid or—?"

"Why?" Alma repeats harshly, eyes narrowing. "What, does someone need a fucking reason to have a disorder? Is it his fault that he doesn't have some sappy tragic backstory you can blame this on? Parents murdered, maybe raped when he was young? Would that make it easier for you to understand why he has fucking anxiety?"

"N-no, I was just—"

"Half of the reason why Yuu hates himself so much is because people like you think that he's not allowed to be this way," Alma glares, controlling his tone volume. "Do you have any fucking idea how scared he is of letting his dad find out because he thinks he's a disappointment? Do you fucking realise that the reason why he doesn't want to tell you is because he's so scared of you thinking that he's trash? Yuu is Yuu and if you can't get that then please, leave him the fuck alone," he snaps. "He has enough shit from himself. He doesn't need yours too."

The redhead is pressed back against the seat, eye wide from the outburst towards him. He looks shocked, mouth parting silently.

But Alma isn't done yet. He knows it's unfair to Lavi, but he needs to know how much the other will take. "What about you? Why do you have abandonment issues?"

"Abandonment issues?" Lavi repeats, incredulous. "I don't have—"

"You can't let go of Yuu," Alma scoffs. "You two merely played footsie in high school and yet you're still so stuck on him after seven fucking years. You looked like you wanted to kill me when I held Yuu at the bus stop," he snorts. "I dare you to tell me that's not in the least bit fucked up."

"I—" Lavi wants to deny it but, he knows it is exactly like the other puts it.

It's ridiculous how Kanda and him had shared nothing and yet it still feels like it is his everything.

"We all have issues, Lavi," Alma adopts a softer tone, leaning on his palm. "As for me, I'm transgender."

"Alma's always saying crap," Kanda grumbles, shifting his backpack as he walks faster towards the school gate. "Like you."

"Which is precisely why I should meet her," Lavi rolls his eye, but yelps when he sees Kanda more than two meters in front of him. "Hey, Yuu, wait up—"

"…You," Lavi blinks rapidly, flabbergasted. "Yuu talked about you before," he says faintly, squinting at the other. "I couldn't tell that you…used to be a girl."

"Yeah…that's the point?" Alma cocked his eyebrow. "The transitioning wasn't a walk in the park. My old man was fine with it, but my parents…" he wrinkles his nose. "But fuck, they're in Hong Kong all the time anyway. They were plenty of people like them, of course. You find out who your real friends are," he smirks. "Yuu didn't give a shit. The therapy was weird, you know, second puberty. Yuu helped me through it. He even took trains back over weekends if I asked him to."

"Anyway, my point is," Alma breathes. "Whatever Yuu has, it doesn't make him any more fucked up than you or me. The reason why I threw you my card is because I think you can help him," he says honestly. "His tactic of avoiding you is obviously shit, so I want to try another plan. But it's not going to be easy. I will need you to put away whatever feelings you hold against Yuu for the past seven years. I will need you to be as patient as fuck," he looks at Lavi seriously. "I don't know how Yuu will react, and there is no backdoor in this, you understand?"

"…I—"

"Don't give me an answer now," Alma taps the table absentmindedly. "You are under no obligation to do anything for Yuu," he states. "But I really hope that you will."


"So, have you asked Lenalee out yet?" Lavi grins by way of greeting when they meet outside Wahaca for a drink.

Allen ignores it. "Hey Lavi. Let's go in, it's kind of chilly today."

Lavi smiles and follows after the Brit who makes his way past the entrance of the Mexican restaurant and down the steps into the bar. The place is roomy with many corners to take their pick, but they head towards the bar counter and sit themselves down. It's fairly quiet despite the buzz upstairs.

Lavi orders a white Russian. Allen gets a persimmon mocktail. The redhead is quite familiar with the younger's distaste for alcohol—something about it relating to his guardian—and he's seen Allen defiantly drink tap water at every stop in a bar crawl during their college years. The kid has some serious resistance against peer pressure.

"Why haven't you asked her out?" Lavi asks, curious. "I thought it was kind of obvious that she likes you—and I only met her for like, ten minutes."

"It's not that simple."

"Sure it is," he snorts. "You tell her, 'I think you're awesome and if you date me, we could be awesome-er' and she'll—"

"She has a brother," Allen says like that's the answer to everything.

"I should meet her again," Lavi grins. "I'll change her mind for you."

Allen looks so skeptical that he almost feels offended.

"Right," Allen coughs into his palm with a raised eyebrow. "Anyway, we talked about going to brunch at this dim sum place in Chinatown. She's packed their dumpling a couple of times and it's amazing," he relates excitedly. "If you come along, then we can go."

"This is so weird. I feel so used, but yet, it's totally ace," Lavi blinks. "Alright, where this place? Will it burn a hole in my pocket?"

"Lenalee said she knows the chef, she can get us a discount. I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it's something about a flower. Peony? Carnation? No, that doesn't sound right—"

"…Lotus?" Lavi hazards a guess.

"Yeah," Allen snaps his fingers. "You've been there?"

Lavi looks at his drink. Huh. "….Just recently."

Something in his facial expression must have changed, because Allen lowers his voice in concern. "Did something happen?"

"Well..." he hums, stirring his cup. "Hypothetically speaking, if…if there was someone who hurt you really badly in the past, and now they need your help…but to do that you have to forget whatever that's happened…could you do it? Would you do it?"

"Do you mean forgetting or forgiving?" Allen asks, eyebrow furrowed. "Because I think forgetting something that hurt me that badly would be impossible. But forgiveness…I could try."

"Why?"

"Isn't it tiring to hold on to so much anger?" he muses. "If not for them, then for me…I'd want to move on."

Lavi sighs. "But what if you can't move on? I'm tired of trying, Allen. It's so fucking tiring. What if nothing changes?" he says more to himself than for an answer. His grip tightens on his cup. "I said 'try for the last time' so many times. When is the last try ever going to be the last try?"

"Then, would you regret not trying?"

"I don't know," Lavi answers. "I don't even know why I'm trying. It's exactly like what Alma said—we didn't even do anything, but I…can't….this is so fucking messed up."

Allen reaches out and pats the back of the redhead's hair as he slumps forward. He doesn't fully understand what's going on, but he's roughly guessing it's got to do with this 'Kanda Yuu'. It's always has.

"I've been trying to wrap my head around it," Lavi mumbles, turning his head to glance over. "How much do you know about anxiety?"

"Anxiety? Well, it's not an area I'm really familiar with, but literature indicates it's got to do with some disorder in the limbic-medial prefrontal circuit. Amygdala and insula hyperactivation, the sorts. But of course—"

"Not the science about it, neurogeek," Lavi cuts him off with a smile that dampens a little after. "I mean like, how do you deal with it?"

"There's citalopram. Or other SSRIs, or benzodiazepines—"

"No, like," Lavi sighs. "If you knew someone who had it, and drugs and therapy are out the question...how do you help someone like that?"

Allen furrows his eyebrows in thought. "…I guess…just be a support. The environment is really important any recovery process."

"Yeah, but how? What if you're the cause of it? Doesn't that mean I should leave him alone instead?"

"What do you mean by 'cause'?" Allen blinks.

"Like, the…trigger? Because of me, he freaks out," Lavi sets his forehead on the counter. "Because of me. How fucked up is that?" he groans. "I'm not saying it's his fault but is this my fault then? It's not like I ever wanted him to like me—I mean, I do, but not to this…this—"

"It's not anyone's fault, Lavi," Allen says comfortingly. "It's just a situation you need to deal carefully with. Firstly, what do you want to do? I'm asking what you want, not what you think you should do."

"I…I don't know."

But Allen only nods and drinks his mocktail patiently, until Lavi speaks up again several silent minutes later.

"I want Yuu back," he admits quietly, head down and eye closed. "But I shouldn't, right? I can't go in thinking that this will lead on to some happy ending because it won't and I'll just screw him up even more because it's just too much. I can't just put the seven years behind me, Allen. I feel like a fucking wreck."

Allen breathes out slowly. "I can't say that I understand how you feel," he begins. "But…this time, it's different from the seven years, right?" he puts a hand on Lavi's arm. "Will you regret not trying this one time?"

Lavi laughs in a sort of bitter way. "I already know I will."

"And I think you already knew your answer."

He takes his drink, clicking it to Allen's glass. "Try again. Fail again," he murmurs. "I just wish I'd fail better."


It takes him the weekend too, but eventually he decides he's been staring at his phone for far too long, especially when it's three in the morning.

A sleepy voice and yawn answers the phone at the opposite end.

"If you're ordering takeaway, business hours are from nine to—"

"Hey," Lavi starts.

Alma sighs. "I'm not your therapist."

"I know, I just—" Lavi presses his lips together, tongue agitated in his mouth. "…What can I do? For Yuu. I. It's not…I still…" he struggles. "I just want to understand. I…I want to understand Yuu."

"I actually don't get why you want to do this," Alma says after a long while of silence.

"Weren't you the one who asked me to—"

"Yeah, so, if I asked you to jump off a cliff would you do it?" Alma snorts. "Why are you doing this? Is this for Yuu, or for you?"

It takes a while, but eventually Lavi does respond. "Both," he says. "Both of us. I…I would have done anything to help Yuu seven years ago. I need to know that I did, even if it's seven years late."

Alma muffles his yawn in his hand. It's too early for this personal heart-to-heart. "Give me your email. You have a shit ton of reading to do."


Kanda doesn't think his best friend is a godsend despite the fact that Alma has probably literally saved his life countless times, because the guy can be quite the asshole.

"So," Alma begins completely suddenly one day. "I talked to Lavi."

The bastard even says it while they're eating dinner, but at least it's in Kanda's apartment. It takes a few seconds for Kanda to really register what the sentence means.

"…You what?"

"I told him everything," Alma goes on, chewing on a mouthful of stir fried noodles.

There are a million questions—how the fuck did Alma even find Lavi, how the fuck did Alma get in touch with Lavi, why the fuck did Lavi even talk to Alma—but these questions grind to a jumbled mess when he feels the sickening drop of his stomach.

"Hey," Alma grabs his hand the moment his chopsticks clatter. "It's good. He wants to understand you."

"What…what's there to understand?" he hisses, trying to yank his hand back. "I'm just fucked up, end of fucking story—"

"Yuu," Alma looks at him seriously. "You promised me that you'll try to meet him halfway."

"I didn't promise you shit—"

"Just fucking listen, okay?" Alma raises his voice, and Kanda glares back, though silent. "I'm not going to say sorry. You can hate me, whatever, but I talked to Lavi because I think you owe him an explanation that's seven years' due. Not because having anxiety is your fault, but because dragging him like this in the dark is going to leave scars on him, Yuu, if it already hasn't."

"I didn't ask for him to—"

"Yeah, well, you didn't ask to like him either, right?" Alma stares in challenge. "He's willing to understand you. He doesn't hate you. He doesn't think you're useless or pathetic or whatever stupid things you think you are. What more do you want from him, Yuu?"

"I want him to stop making me so…" Kanda shakes his head. "I can't. You know I can't. Fuck, Alma, I can't—"

"Fuck the 'can't'," Alma says firmly. "Fuck it. Just one meeting with him. I'll be with you the whole time. If it gets bad, he'll leave immediately. I'll never ask you to do this again. I just want you to try at least once. Once."

When Kanda keeps quiet, Alma grips his hand tighter. "Fearless Yuu, where are you?"

"I hate it when you use my first fucking name like that," Kanda snaps. "It's not going to work," he says after.

"I'm not saying he's gonna cure you," Alma rolls his eyes. "But maybe you can get used to him. Maybe you'll freak out less. Maybe you won't have to call me about having a panic attack, because we'll work out how you'll be your own anchor. I know you're tired of this. So let's fuck the 'can't'. Let's do this. How about it?"

Kanda stares at his dinner plate. "…Will you let go of my hand if I do this? It's fucking gay."

"Hypocrite," Alma sniffs, retracting his hand. "Right. So. I'm going to text him to ring the doorbell now—"

"Wait, n-now?" Kanda isn't sure if his voice cracks in shock, or whether he's just, in fucking shock.

"Then when?"

Instantly he feels his heartbeat rocket. "I-I can't—I'm not ready for this, I—"

"Yuu, you'll never be ready, so fuck it, let's just do it, alright? I'm gonna be here the whole time, there's nothing to worry about."

That is and isn't really the issue. "Why do you even have his number?" he demands.

Alma looks over his phone slyly. "Why, do you want it?"

"N-no!"

"I'll give it to you later," he concludes, pressing the final button before Kanda thinks of snatching the device to break it. "Don't back out on me. He took the trouble to come over."

Kanda stands up in agitation, running his hand through his short hair. "He lives like five fucking minutes away! Fuck," he retorts, pacing about because his hands start to get jittery.

It's such a bad idea—what the fuck was he even thinking? Why did he for a second think that maybe, maybe this might work? He's going to throw up even before the doorbell—

And the doorbell dings as if on cue.

"Details," Alma grins. "Get the door, Yuu."

Kanda shoots the other a hard glare, but it's ruined by how he can't really concentrate at anything except for how much he can't stand still. Alma comes over and takes his trembling hand, holding it close to his chest.

"Hey," Alma says softly. "Breathe. Slowly," he instructs calmly. "I'm with you. Every step of the way. Do you trust me?"

Kanda really wants to shake his head because he wants out—he wants Lavi to leave, he wants to run from this sickening, sickening feeling, but he finds himself nodding. One fucking try, right? Just one.

Alma ushers him to the front door. "Okay. So. Let him in."

"I hate you," Kanda mutters under his breath, but he forces himself to stick his hand out and turns the knob just as Alma murmurs an "I love you too."

As he knows, the moment his eyes meet with Lavi's green one, he flushes and looks away. He feels the reflex to slam the door shut, but his grip slips from how much he's shaking. Lavi is looking at him with a sort of wariness, arms clutching a fruits basket.

"Um. This is for you guys," the redhead says as he offers it up.

Alma coughs in something suspiciously like a laugh, but he takes the basket because Kanda isn't going to. "Right. This is fucking awkward, but we all knew it was going to be. Come in before Yuu slams the door in your face."

Lavi glances at Kanda and immediately shifts his eye to the ground when he enters, taking off his shoes. He sneaks peeks at where Alma has pulled Kanda to, holding his arm and speaking to him in low tones. Every so often it seems like Kanda wants to look back, but he visibly catches himself and stares at something else. Lavi doesn't know what to do so he walks cautiously to the kitchen area, where they are. Two half eaten plates of noodles are on the dining table, but Alma clears it to a side and makes Kanda sit on one of the chairs. He gestures for him to come over too.

"You are going to sit across him," Alma tells Kanda. "And I'll be in the living room. If something happens, I'll come in."

"You're leaving me alone?" Kanda shoots him an abrupt accusing stare.

"In the kitchen," Alma huffs. "I'll be ten steps away. You can do this, alright? I know you can," he pats Kanda on the shoulder. "Remember what I said," he says to Lavi before he leaves.

Kanda immediately regrets letting Alma out of his vision, because all at once the tension burns more awkward than ever. He doesn't want to look at Lavi because he doesn't want to see any sort of expression on Lavi's face—is it accusing? Is it pity? Is it disgust?

Kanda looks like he's in literal fright, and Lavi doesn't think he's ever seen the Kanda he knew look like that. He fiddles with his fingers, carefully watching the other. All of a sudden it seems like once he knew what exactly Kanda is afflicted with, it stands out stark to see. He sees Kanda's nervous shift backwards into his chair although there is no space, he sees Kanda hiding his clenched hands under the table. He sees how Kanda is panicking—widened eyes, uneven breaths, hard stare. He resists the urge to lean forward and grip him firmly and tell him there's nothing to panic about—it's just him. Lavi. What could he possibly do?

"…How have you been?" he says instead, attempting a smile.

Kanda stands up from the table, chair screeching.

"Hey," Lavi starts, mimicking his gesture. "It's okay," he says it like he means it, like Alma taught him to. "I'm not going to do anything you don't want. It's okay, Yuu."

"It's not," Kanda replies, direct to him for the first time. "You and I both know it's fucking not."

"It's okay today," Lavi says softly. "Sit down. Please?"

Lavi sits first, and Kanda loosens his held breath. He glances over to the kitchen doorway reminding himself that Alma is out there—if this is going to shit, Alma will be here. He's been the same room as Lavi before, for work. He's sat through things worse than this—where there isn't the safety of his own home, where there is no comfort from Alma. He has them now.

He forces himself to sit. "What do you want?"

"Let's just…talk," Lavi shrugs with a faint smile. "About something. Anything. Work. Fencing—you still do fencing, don't you?"

"…Yes."

"Cool," he nods. "Uh. Do you still compete?"

"No."

"At home then?"

Kanda nods curtly.

Lavi blinks rapidly, trying to think of something else to follow it up with before the atmosphere descends into awkwardness again. Fuck, he knows he's the one who talked to Kanda first and that's how their relationship had started, but now even as he feels the same urge to talk he knows he can't ask all the things that he wants to.

What happened in the past seven years? Who did Kanda meet? Where did he go? What did he do?

He wets his lips and sees Kanda fidget, staring at the table. "Um. Do we have a client soon?"

"Maybe."

"Okay…what does that mean?"

"The buyer is sitting on it."

"Oh. Then. Well."

It lapses into silence again.

"You guys suck arse at talking," Alma's voice cuts through abruptly, sounding pained. "Yuu, open your golden mouth. I know you can say something to him. You're just being a dick."

"Shut the fuck up," Kanda hisses back, annoyed.

Lavi chuckles at the reaction, but that makes Kanda stop like he's caught unaware.

"What?" Kanda snaps, defensive.

"Nothing. It's just," Lavi grins. "I missed you."

Lavi immediately knows it's something he shouldn't have said by the way Kanda stares at him disbelievingly.

"I mean I missed 'that'!" he tries to correct himself, waving frantically. "The way you…"

It's probably not helping, because Kanda shoves his hand over his mouth and backs his chair so hard that it topples the moment he stands.

"Yuu? Are you freaking out?" Lavi gets up, attempting to go over. "Shit, uh. Calm down. I swear didn't mean to do that!"

Kanda backs away, eyes grimacing when he feels the familiar lurch in his stomach. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It's an odd sensation to feel his face burning but at the same time he feels so cold inside. Alma is beside him in the next instant, rubbing his back gently.

"I told you not to say things like that!" Alma hisses at Lavi.

"I'm sorry! It…it just slipped!" Lavi says, fidgeting on his own as he hangs back.

He still doesn't understand why this has to happen but watching Kanda tremble under Alma's hold is not something he can ignore. The things that Alma had given him to read—how to recognise the signs of a panic attack, what to do, what not to do—made him think about how Kanda is suffering from this. He doesn't know how a panic attack feels, but seeing Kanda—the man he always thought was so strong—visibly trying to hold himself together from falling apart, it makes him swallow hard.

"Hey, Yuu, it's okay," Alma murmurs. "He's just an idiot, see? Nothing to worry about."

Lavi tries to smile when Kanda flickers his gaze over to him. It takes a while, but eventually Kanda does lower his hand, breathing out slowly. He doesn't look at Lavi though.

"Why are you here?" he asks finally, voice a little hoarse from the slight gagging he did earlier.

"I want to get to know you again," Lavi says.

"Why?"

"Because…." Lavi rolls the word out. "Apparently, I didn't get to know the real Yuu back then," he offers an upturn of his lips when Kanda looks at him. "I'm Lavi, if you've forgotten already. What's your name?"

He knows Kanda remembers this when he says the next line. "If you're mute you can sign your name."

Kanda stares at him at silently. A blush creeps up his neck and colours his cheeks as the memory replays—I can sign too. ¿Hablas español?

He doesn't understand why Lavi is doing this. If he was Lavi—he would've turned away and never looked back for someone so screwed up. But maybe this was one of the reasons why Lavi was etched into his heart—his persistence, his determination, his acceptance of an anti-social eighteen year old eight years ago, and even now.

Why does Lavi try so hard when he…all he has done is to run away?

"¿Hablas español? Bahasa melayu?" Lavi continues, still smiling. "Hangugmal hae?"

Alma has a hand on his shoulder, firm and warm.

"还是讲中文? 日本語?"

"K-kanda," he forces himself to say, controlling his tremble. He hopes his face isn't as red as he thinks it is. "Kanda Yuu."