Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Many of you take advantage of part of my monster's name - namely, 'Harpy' - and so decide that I am an ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute.

This is about as insulting as me taking advantage of one of your genre names - namely, 'Crackfic' - and thusly deciding that all of you are drug addicts. And, having read some of your pieces, let me tell you this: That is very tempting.

Going straight to the point, because I'm fairly sure that you have the base IQ of a cephalopod, and that's being lenient: 'Ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute'? I'll have you know that I am none of those things! The only time I would ever use my inherently amazing body (take note of the italics) to get something I want would be against a lesser duelist. Such tactics work perfectly against an idiot - like Ryuuzaki, who I was able to win a very comfortable cabin on a boat from during Duelist Kingdom - but I would never even bother to waste time trying to distract someone as obsessed with the game as Yugi Moto. And I assure you, flaunting my assets is hardly 'crazy' - if my body is an advantage against the opponent, if it can get me what I want, then why not use it? Much like my aroma tactics - if it's not cheating, and it'll help me achieve my aim, I'll use it. Pretty intelligent, don't you think?

And while we're debunking the 'ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute' myth: The unfortunate designs of my Harpies (you can blame that awful Pegasus for that!) certainly do not indicate that I am a prostitute. I use them because their combo attacks are nearly unparalleled in the game, especially with Pegasus's rules about flying creatures - not because I happen to have a secret inner desire to be whipped. The stunning effect they happen to have on men is an added bonus, trust me - I'm more than prepared to fight a female duelist! (1)

Even if we ignore the idea of 'shipping' me, some of you will still paint a most undignified picture - that of the weak-willed, overly generous, blond bimbo. There are so many issues with that that I would likely need to slaughter a small forest to write them all out, so allow me to educate you on the two big problems: One, I will aid people due to favours owed, a bet lost, or in the very rare case that I take pity on them. I do not apply the 'because we're friends' logic to anything. And two, blonde does not equal bimbo. If it does, then Yugi is one-third moron.

I have to say here, too, that I am not a helpless romantic. I do not fall head over heels for anyone, love at first sight doesn't happen for me - and even if it did, don't you think that I, a strong and hardened woman, would be more than likely to keep up an act of indifference? To clarify, I would never break down in tears before someone I happened to have a crush on. I'm not weak like that, and I don't damn my pride. So stop making me do it.

One last thing, something related to me being supposedly weak: Please bear in mind that if that weird Marik guy leaped out at me with his hair all fluffed out like a cat with a paw in a power socket, I would kick him right where it hurt. I mean it.

Signed,

Mai Kujaku, aka Mai Valentine.

P.S - I have heard that many of you don't like pairing up Pegasus with Yugi and his little friends - not because of the man's dreadful attitude, of course, but simply because of his age. I don't know whether you all flatter me, or whether you are just a little on the slow side, but have any of you realized that I am in fact the same age as Pegasus? If you absolutely must have me get married, I would recommend to stop pairing me up with those kids, and have me find someone closer to my age.

P.P.S - And for Christ's sake, don't make it Pegasus. I could do without someone obsessed with cartoon characters in my life.


Notes:

1. In the manga, she's never shown to - though given that she took out enough duelists to get a truly unholy number of starchips, it's likely that she did fight a female somewhere along the line. (Anzu vs Mai never happened in the manga, y'see).


UAB

Yes, both Mai and Pegasus are apparently twenty-four.

Addressed here:

- Being romantically inclined; the fact that she uses her looks quite tactically is a tip-off to this one. Don't get me wrong, she can fall for someone, but she's a bit like Kaiba in the way she puts her agenda well ahead of other people. She's actually much harder to ship well than most make out.

- The semi-common bashing ties into the above - the usual method is to depict her as a worn-out, ugly prostitute who is far too old for Joey anyway (this happens when the pairing is Joey/anybody aside from her).

- Mai being made to appear kind, or openly friendly towards anyone. She sometimes gets written as being nicer than she is - when you think about it, everything she has ever done (in the manga) has been for a reason, such as a favour owed. She doesn't do anything 'because we're friends'.

- Mai X Yami Marik rape fics; or any sort of Mai-rape fic. If Anzu can thump people in canon (which she does), then Mai's likely to be even more able.

- Problems associated with her canon age - according to the author, she's twenty-four, while the majority of the main cast is sixteen. To put that in perspective, Pegasus is also twenty-four - and yet there's people who'll tell you that Yugi X Pegasus is creepy due to their ages, and yet Mai X Yugi is A-OK. Same goes for Mai X Joey.

Next up - I have Mokuba and Yugi in the works, but feel free to let me know if there's anyone else you'd like to see.