Chapter 7 Won't take Nothing but a Memory

If I could walk around I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

After a quick dinner at the local 'mom and pop' diner, Cal drives them back to the hotel.

Once back in the suite, Gillian excuses herself to the bedroom to change. She knows when she goes back out there Cal will have questions. There is no way he couldn't with all he saw today. She is grateful he kept the dinner conversation light. He must have seen she was on emotional overload and he was giving her time to decompress. She feels nervous and exposed, but not as devastated as she thought she would if her 'less than stellar' childhood ever got out.

Gillian changes into her comfortable clothes and walks back out into the main room. She smiles when she sees a pudding cup and a beer waiting for her on the coffee table.

Cal is sitting on the couch with his own beer in his hand. "More comfortable love?"

"Yes." She smiles at him, grabs the pudding cup and the spoon, and curls up on the couch.

Things are quiet for a few minutes as she soothes herself with the chocolate and he watches her with a small smile on his face. He is no longer amazed at how easy she is to please. He understands it now.

Gillian finishes the pudding and leans forward to deposit the spoon and the empty container on the table. She grabs the beer and sits back. She takes a long pull from the bottle. "Thank you, Cal. I couldn't have gotten through this day without you."

Cal reaches out and squeezes her arm. "I couldn't imagine not being here for you Gill." He waits until she looks at him then nods his head and gives her the most sincere look he can muster.

Gillian sees the genuine emotion he's feeling and is momentarily taken aback by the power of it. Before she can read exactly what's there, though, his expression changes. She looks back at her beer. "My life wasn't always a mess you know." She plays with the edge of the label. "Before my sister died, I had a stable, happy family."

Cal nods his head. He doesn't want to say anything. He wants to let her talk, as much or as little as she wants, with no pressure from him.

"My parents loved each other. My sister and I were typical; we bickered, like all siblings do. But we loved each other." Gillian thinks back to how things were with her family before her sister died. So many memories flash through her mind, its almost dizzying. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, her dad teaching her to play the guitar… She remembers when she and her sister taught themselves 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' and played it for her parents on their anniversary…

She sits quietly after talking about the anniversary. Cal sees her getting lost in herself and interjects. "Simon and Garfunkel? I'd love to hear you play that one love."

Cal is smiling at her when she looks at him. It's then that Gillian realizes she's been talking out loud this whole time, stammering on about everything and nothing. She wonders how long she's been talking and she notices he has moved closer to her on the couch. "I'm sorry. I'm just going on and on…"

"Don't apologize Gill. I'm honored you feel you can share with me." He grasps her hand.

She smiles faintly at him. "That anniversary of theirs is the last, concrete, happy memory I have of us as a family." She squeezes his hand and takes a deep breath. "The accident happened two weeks later."

They sit in silence for several minutes. Cal jumps up suddenly and heads to the refrigerator. "I could use another beer, you?"

Gillian smiles. "Please." She knows he is giving her a short reprieve. She also knows if she wants to stop talking now he won't push. The Cal she's known, here of late, is not the pushy Cal of old. That's one of several things she's noticed since their balcony encounter a few months back.

Gillian knows there is still a lot left to say. As much as she hates thinking about all this, she wants to tell him. She has so many emotions flitting around. It's easy to talk about the happy times. The sad times will be harder to go into. She had hoped she would never have to share any of this with anyone. Intellectually, she knows she has nothing to be ashamed of. Emotionally, she feels inadequate somehow.

Cal sees the expressions on her face as he walks back to the couch. He recognizes fear and shame. He isn't sure exactly what's behind each of those emotions but he hopes she keeps talking. He hands her a beer as he sits down. "You okay?"

She gives him a nod as she takes a swig of her beer. "So…" She takes a deep breath and lets it out.

"Gillian. You don't have to share anything else if you don't want to. I'm not going to push."

"I know. You've been so great Cal. I can't even begin to tell you how much your support means to me." She pauses for a few seconds. "I want to share more." She looks down at the bottle in her hand. She knows she shouldn't be embarrassed about things that happened so long ago, but she can't help it. She always wanted everyone to believe her family life was perfect. "It's just so hard…"

"Take your time darling. I'm right here. Not going anywhere." Cal slouches back on his end of the couch.

Gillian takes a deep breath. "The first few weeks after Allison died are such a blur. There were people around all the time. Friends, family, all doing things for us, bringing meals, and helping around the house. I honestly don't remember feeling very much. My mom cried all the time. My dad tried to reach out to her, but she was so angry with him…" Gillian looks down at the beer bottle in her hands. "She couldn't let him in. I don't remember exactly when the drinking started, but I know it was during the first few days because they had a fight the night before the funeral. I heard my mom yelling that she hoped my dad could manage to stay sober long enough to get through the service."

Cal remains quiet and watches her carefully.

Gillian takes another pull from her beer. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I think he actually stayed sober, for the most part. He wasn't falling down drunk anyway." She shakes her head. "The funeral was so hard. I think it hit me then that she wasn't coming back. I'm pretty sure I subconsciously waited for her to come through the front door the first few days." She pauses here to calm herself before continuing. Her voice is quieter when she does. "That was the saddest day of my life…" She stops here and looks down at her hands. She shakes her head "…until the day they took Sophie away." She feels tears burning her eyes and she sniffles.

Cal reaches behind him and then sits a tissue box on the coffee table in front of her. He pulls a tissue from the box and puts it in her hand.

Gillian smiles. "Thank you." She sits quietly for a few moments.

Cal thinks about how she must have similar issues of abandonment to what he feels at the loss of his mother. 'Two peas in a pod we are.'

"The house was so quiet after Ally died." 'The same way my house was quiet after Sophie was gone.' "I was afraid to play my guitar, to make any noise really. I sat in the doorway to her room, every day, for weeks. I was afraid to go in." She smiles sadly as she remembers this. "Ally told me so many times how I wasn't allowed in unless she said it was okay. She would say it was her private space and that I should respect that. So I did." She takes another drink from her beer. "Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I went in and laid on her bed." Gillian feels the tears coming again. She sniffles, but continues. "It smelled like her." She stops now to reach for another tissue.

Cal reaches out and squeezes her arm. Gillian puts down her beer and takes his hand. A few tears escape and she quickly wipes them away with the tissue. "My mom left Ally's room exactly as it was. She would go in there and sit on the bed. Sometimes she would sit there for hours. I understood it at first. She missed her. But, after a while, I started to feel like I was invisible. Like any teenaged girl, I needed my mom. I tried to reach out to her. I asked her to teach me to play the piano. I thought maybe it would help since that was something she loved so much. I didn't think of it as something special she only shared with Ally. She got angry with me and said no one else would ever play that piano." Gillian curls her knees up in front of her. She looks at Cal "I understand now that asking about the piano was a terrible idea."

Cal understands too. "But, at the time, you were 13. In your mind then, it made perfect sense to try and bond with your mum over something she loved."

Gillian nods at him. "Yeah."

Cal thinks for a few seconds. "You still aren't close to your mum…"

Gillian shakes her head as she looks at him. "No. She kept me at arms length after that." She thinks about what she just said and feels she should amend it. "I mean… she took care of me." She looks directly in his eyes as she shakes her head "They both did. I wasn't physically neglected or anything." 'I wasn't neglected.' She needs him to understand this.

Cal is amazed to see the amount of denial she's holding on to. 'She's still minimizing their complete lack of affection and emotional support.' His heart breaks a little to think about young Gillian and how quickly she had to go from being the baby of the family to, basically, raising herself. "So, your parents. They never worked anything out." He doesn't ask. He knows they didn't.

"No." Gillian picks up her beer and plays with the label again. "They hardly even spoke to each other. And when they did it was either about logistical 'house' things or they were…" she stops suddenly.

Cal sees indecision on her face. He takes a guess. "Fighting?"

Gillian cringes when he blurts out the obvious. This is the hard part. She takes a deep breath. "Yes."

Cal sees her fidgeting. He gets up. "Another beer love?"

Gillian looks at her bottle. It's half full. "No thanks." He's doing it again. Letting her get herself together before she continues. She feels the stirring in her heart as she thinks about how well he is taking care of her. She hasn't felt that from many people in her life.

Cal sits back down with his beer. "You okay?"

Gillian nods her head. "Yeah. I'm fine." She stares straight ahead, lost in thought for a moment before she begins talking again. "They fought all the time. It was awful… the mean things they would say to each other. It didn't help that my father was drunk most of the time. That just gave my mother more ammunition."

Cal wonders if they ever turned on her. "Where were you? I mean when they fought, what did you do?"

"At first, I tried to stop them. I would stand between them and beg them to just, stop fighting. That didn't work and sometimes they would both end up angry with me. So, I took to hiding up in my room. If it was a really bad one I'd go outside and either sit on the porch or take a walk." She remembers how Mrs. Byler saw her sitting on the porch one winter day after a fresh snowstorm. She waved her over and asked if she wanted to help shovel the driveway. Gillian smiles when she thinks about the hot chocolate and the fudge Mrs. Byler made her when they were done.

Cal sees the small smile on her face. "What's that love?" He points to her face as she looks at him. "That looks like a positive memory. Care to share that one?"

Gillian smiles bigger this time. She tells him about that first time she went to the Byler's, the hot chocolate, the fudge, the snowball fight with Jimmy and Chad. "I always thought Mrs. Byler could hear my parents screaming at each other. She confirmed it for me that day. She told me I was welcome any time at their house. At first, I only went on the days when the fighting was bad. But, then Jimmy said he would play guitar with me on Saturdays and after that, I was there all the time."

Cal feels thankful the Byler's were there. "They seem like wonderful people. I see a lot of Mrs. Byler in you."

Tears spring to Gillian's eyes. "That's the best compliment anyone has ever given me."

Cal smiles and scoots closer to her again. He reaches out his hand and she takes it. "I'm so glad they were there for you love."

"They really were my saving grace. That first summer, they took a family trip to the beach. She asked me to go, but I was afraid to bring it up. My parents never let me go anywhere. I think they were terrified something would happen to me." Gillian shakes her head at the irony. "They were terrified they would lose me, but they never seemed to want to spend time with me." She takes a deep breath. "Anyway, the day before they left, Mrs. Byler came over and asked my parents if I could get their mail and water her plants while they were gone. Of course, my parents said yes. Mrs. Byler had me go over with her to show me where to put the mail." Gillian remembers how she felt that day, loved. "When we got over to her house, I said "Mrs. Byler you don't have any plants." And she laughed. Then she gave me a key and told me to come over anytime I needed to 'get away' for a bit." Gillian finishes her beer. "When they got home, she wouldn't take the key back. Told me to keep it, just in case."

"So, the Byler's house was a refuge of sorts?" Cal gets up as he asks the question. He takes both their beer bottles to the little kitchenette. He comes and sits back down as she answers.

"Absolutely. One I took great advantage of." Gillian curls herself sideways and sits facing him with her knees underneath her.

Cal studies her for a second. "When did your mum leave?"

"I actually left before my mother did." Gillian looks down and away as she answers.

Cal doesn't understand the shame he suddenly sees. "So, after you went off to college, your mother left also?"

She shakes her head. "No." She looks at her hands, twisting in her lap and pauses for a few seconds. "I left when I was 16 and… she left right after that. Sometimes I think she only stayed as long as she did because I was still there. Maybe that's part of the reason I left; because I knew she wouldn't feel obligated to stay if I wasn't there." Gillian looks at him and she can practically see the wheels turning in his head. "I couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't let me get my license. They were afraid for me to drive. I got Jimmy to teach me and he took me to get my permit. I had saved every dime I had and I used it to buy and old, beat up, Ford Granada. One day while they were both gone, I loaded what I could into the car, and I left."

Cal can't help thinking about Emily. She's only slightly older than Gillian was when she left home. "You were just a teenager. Where did you go?"

"I stayed with different friends for a few months, until school started. I had an English teacher my junior year in High School who had gone to our church. She knew the situation I was in and she offered to let me stay with her. She had a daughter that had just left for college and her husband had died a few years before. I moved in there. She helped me get into Duke. I would have been lost without her."

"Where is she now?"

Sadness fills her expression as she explains. "She died right after I graduated from college. She had breast cancer."

"Oh love. I'm so sorry." It hits Cal like a brick when he realizes how much loss Gillian has endured in her life.

Gillian shudders at the sympathy in Cal's voice. The realization hits her too, hard. She feels a weight heavy on her chest and she's surprised when a sob wrenches out. She feels strangely out of control and she can't stop the tears.

Cal quickly scoots over and puts his arms around her. He recognizes the emotion and comes to the conclusion that she never grieved all those losses. She was too busy carrying on; surviving. He holds her for a long time. She eventually calms but makes no move to pull away from him. So, he continues to hold her. He hears her breathing slow and even out. He feels her twitch and knows she has fallen asleep on him. He shifts slightly and lays her on the couch. He goes to the bedroom and turns the bed down. Then he carries her to the bed and gently lays her down. He covers her and kisses her forehead. As he starts to pull away, she wakes up.

"Cal?"

"Yes love?"

"Stay?" She opens her eyes a bit and reaches her hand out to him. "Please?"

Cal thinks this might be a bad idea but if she needs him close, he will gladly stay. He pats her hand. "Sure love. Just let me go get the lights all right?"

Gillian sleepily answers "mmhmmm."

Cal changes quickly into pajama pants and a t-shirt. He turns out the lights and climbs in on the opposite side of the bed. Gillian rolls over and wraps her arm around his abdomen as she snuggles her face against his shoulder. He puts his arm around her and pulls her even closer. "Good night love."

Gillian takes a deep breath. "Mmhmmm."


Gillian wakes early the next morning. She is facing the window and can see bits of sunlight snaking around the thick hotel curtains. She feels arms tight around her and Cal's warm body pressed against her back. She feels guilty and embarrassed about the emotional breakdown he witnessed the previous night. She carefully scoots away from him and slides off the bed. She stares at his face and feels that flutter in her stomach she's had a lot lately when she's been around him. He looks so peaceful, so relaxed. She bends forward and kisses his forehead.

She makes her way into the other room and makes a pot of coffee. Once she has her cup in hand, she sits in the comfy chair by the window. She loves the view of the mountains as the sun rises and reflects off the snow that tops them.

She thinks of yesterday and the overwhelming emotions that hit her. She shudders when she thinks how lost she would have been without Cal here. Her heart is feeling a little lighter this morning. She sees now how the grief she was holding onto was the reason for the deep sadness she's been feeling recently. Cal is the reason she's been able to deal with Claire's death. He's been there for her, letting her grieve, encouraging it even. He is the first person to do that for her. No one has ever just been there to support her emotionally through the losses she's had. She always stays strong for the people around her while at the same time burying her own feelings. This is why she feels so different since Claire's death. She realizes it isn't Claire's death she is having trouble with. It's all the losses from the past pressing for release the way she released her emotions after Claire died.

Gillian is glad she decided to come here. She's even happier that Cal is with her. She still feels the sadness, she imagines some of that will stay with her forever, but she is seeing things with clarity she's not had before. The massive weight that had been on her chest feels unbelievably lighter.

Cal wakes alone and sits up quickly. He immediately smells coffee, which puts him at ease. He goes into the next room and sees Gillian staring out the window blankly. He tries to get her attention, but she appears not to hear him. He approaches slowly, speaking her name softly. He reaches out to touch her shoulder.

She startles when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She turns to see Cal looking at her expectantly.

"You okay love?" Cal squeezes her reassuringly.

Gillian takes a quick breath. "Yes. I'm very okay actually." She stands up, sitting her cup on a nearby table as she does. She turns to Cal and leans into his arms. She wraps him in a warm embrace and whispers in his ear. "Thank you so much."

He pulls her tightly to him and wraps his arms around her. "Anytime love, anytime."

Just feels right to end this chapter here. However, I feel the story, as a whole, hasn't been tied up nicely just yet. I hate giving presents without bows, so… an epilogue is forthcoming. But, don't expect it until after the Holidays. After all, I'm not known for timely updates!

TBC