Skwisgaar held onto him tightly, his arms were wrapped around his waist protectively. Toki could still feel a dull throbbing pain in his arm from where he had sliced into, he still did not remember hurting himself that way. He did remember the fake images of his own death and Skwisgaar crying over his lifeless form. Toki thought about the older man telling him he loved him, he'd never told him that before; not that Toki could remember. It felt like pieces of his mind were hidden away from himself, there was too much going on for him to keep track of the real and the things he imagined or hallucinated. This was real though, the firm body against him, warm breath against the top of his head, and the sound of a beating heart. This was very real and it was safe as well as familiar, but he wasn't sure he wanted to believe Skwisgaar meant that he loved him. He had been scared, he'd walked in on him cutting himself; if he'd walked in later it might have been a lot worse. Toki felt guilty for making him see that, scaring him that way.
He tried to move away from Skwisgaar's embrace, he felt filthy inside and out; he needed to take a shower, but the older man didn't give.
"Skwis, come on I want to take a shower."
He carefully pried one arm off of himself and moved away from his friend as quietly as he could. He got to the door before Skwisgaar woke up asking him where he was going. Toki turned and looked at him; Skwisgaar sat there leaning back on his elbows, hair stuck to the right side of his face and he looked just barely awake.
"I need to take a shower, I was trying to not wake you up."
"Alright, do you think we can talk when you're done?"
He didn't really want to talk, he didn't know what there was to say. He didn't remember getting the knife or cutting himself. It scared him he didn't remember it, the voices scared him even worse now that he knew that at least one of them could make him do things when he was panicking.
"Sure"
The older man lay back down on the bed most likely going to sleep until Toki got done with his shower. He planned on taking his time, Skwisgaar looked exhausted and stressed, and he sort of just needed some time to himself to think this over.
In the bathroom he removed the bandages from his arm to examine the self made wounds. They really weren't all too bad, especially after Skwisgaar had cleaned them up and the had been given time to begin the healing process. He gave credit that his friend had done his best to stay calm, to take care of him. He hadn't seemed angry or disgusted, just frightened but doing his best to keep it together. Toki turned the water on in the shower, waited for it to get hot, then climbed in under the spray.
He needed to tell somebody about this; it hadn't been like this before. He'd been told growing up he was a death bringer or a soul collector, those words to a young kid didn't make any sense at all. As an adult they made even less sense. It seemed to him like his parents made up stories and legends to tell him, to frighten him away from leaving their home and wandering into town where sin ran rapid according to them and their strict beliefs. That's why it had shaken him up so badly when the girl had died and he started hearing her voice, he'd initially taken it as heavy guilt weighing him down or perhaps a break in his sanity. When he started to recall what he'd been raised to believe about his place as a bringer of death and all the things he'd been told about himself then it brought on a new form of panic. He never thought he'd wish he was just insane, he still could have been. He never told anybody about it, because he went between ashamed and nervous. Besides it had just been one voice, only the one until others joined over time and now he was losing count. Finding out he and his friends were part of a major prophecy, learning they were demigods explained a lot and made the fear of insanity go away to be replaced by the fear he was something else that his parents had warned him about.
They had called bull shit on the whole concept, but quickly learned other wise. Nathan sometimes talked to Charles about his dreams and the things that he heard or felt, Toki knew he should do the same thing. He was just scared of what he would find out about himself, nothing he didn't already know, and if there was something else then he wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was. He was okay with being in the dark about it; whatever it was that he could do it was nothing good. There had to be a way to control it outside of substance abuse and blatantly ignoring it, it wasn't healthy doing it this way.
He looked at the cuts on his arm, obviously it wasn't healthy ignoring the voices.
Maybe they could be helpful?
He didn't know how, he'd caused them all to die in one way or another. He wasn't sure he could get help from people who wanted nothing but bad things to happen to him.
Charles would know what to do, Hell even Nathan might know...He could talk to Nathan, he could do it later if he could get the singer alone. Right now he had to deal with Skwisgaar and he wasn't looking forward to that in the least. He could tell him first, tell him in general; it would let him understand why Toki was some of the way he was. Skwisgaar had his own purposes according to the prophecy; he was meant to bring life into the world, Toki envied that. He was supposed to create and give life, why couldn't he get that power?
He'd tell him, just not right now. Talking to Nathan would help unless it lead to having to talk to Charles then he somehow knew that would lead to being told he should share his thoughts and what was going on with Skwisgaar since they were so close to each other. They were close, he wasn't going to lie about that, but he was still scared. The fear was irrational, brought on by things that he had taken the wrong way and Skwisgaar never would have done or said if he'd known how Toki would take it. Fear caused by his father and by Magnus, by his own feelings of being an outcast. Skwisgaar told him he loved him, he wouldn't judge him or hurt him...Magnus had made him feel the same way and that had turned out beautifully.
No Skwisgaar wouldn't do that to him. Even thinking that Skwisgaar could do that to him made his stomach hurt, he knew better.
He stepped out of the shower, dressed, and took care of the cuts on his arm before returning to his room. Skwisgaar still lay on his bed, but he was no longer asleep; he stared up at the ceiling. When the door closed and Toki sat on the foot of the bed he sat up giving the younger man his attention. There was a hint of awkwardness in the air between them, Skwisgaar would glance at his bandaged arm and Toki felt too guilty to really look him in the eye.
"Why did you do it?"
"I really don't know why, I don't remember it. I'd tell you if I did, I think I just sort of blacked out."
It happened, they both knew that it happened. His temper, fear, or depression got out of hand; emotions got too heavy and he left his head for a moment. It wasn't normal, but it happened enough that it was something they all learned to understand. They never did anything to help it.
"Okay what happened before that?" Skwisgaar asked, there was a cautious tone to his voice.
He didn't know what he could ask, what would come off as insensitive or too invasive. He knew how quickly his friend could crawl back inside of his own mind.
"I was just getting really panicked, that's all. It's nothing, it won't happen again."
Obvious lies were pointless, Skwisgaar wasn't an idiot.
"Why don't you talk to me about what's going on, you told me you want to."
There was something sad in his voice, like he didn't understand why he hadn't gained that trust.
"I know...I...It's complicated, really complicated; I don't know how to tell you. There's so many things I need to tell you, but I'm scared."
Scared that he would run away from him, scared he wouldn't touch him again, scared he wouldn't talk to him anymore because he wouldn't know how.
"You don't have to be scared, I love you."
Those words again, they made him smile but made him feel like he was on the verge of crying. Skwisgaar brushed his fingers against his cheek, Toki looked up meeting his eyes.
"Please don't hide from me"
He felt anxious thinking about everything just on the tip of his tongue, every confession he could spill right in that moment. He wanted to so badly to just tell him so he could get it off his chest and maybe find comfort and solace. He needed it, he needed to be wanted and told he wasn't wrong or broken. He would be okay again or somewhere close to it, Skwisgaar would be there for him and he'd still love him.
He let out a shuddering breath, stray tears fell from his eyes, and Skwisgaar pulled him against himself holding onto him. Toki wrapped his arms around the older man, he buried his face against his chest. The wall of fear that kept him from the freedom of telling somebody what had happened to him no just with Magnus but other men before him, telling him about his curse and the things going on in his head. The fear kept him from the freedom of just unloading it all onto somebody else who could offer him comfort and help him work to get better. He needed to get better, but he was rarely one who was very good at doing that. He could get better a piece at a time, but one wrong move and he'd fall apart all over again.
He just wanted out of his head for awhile. Closing his eyes he focused on the sound of a beating heart and words that told him everything would be okay when he knew nothing would be.
