Jeff rushed into the room he shared with Nick, slamming the door behind him and collapsing onto his bed in another fit of tears. He couldn't wrap his mind around what he'd just seen, and honestly, he couldn't believe it.
Having not heard from Nick all day, Jeff went out to search for him. It being Valentine's Day and all, Jeff figured that he would have had some kind of communication with his boyfriend by one in the afternoon. He had tried calling Nick to see where he was, but there was no answer. That wasn't like Nick though, especially not on a day like today. Jeff had just made it out the front doors of Dalton when he froze in place.
Nick was seated on one of the benches -by the garden in the front of the school- holding the hand of some brunette girl Jeff had never seen before. It wasn't just that they were holding hands, it was the look on Nick's face. The same way he looked at Jeff right before he-
What just happened... Nick had leaned over and kissed the girl on the lips. Really kissed her. And now they were sitting there making googly eyes at each other. No, no, no, this can not be happening. Jeff was still frozen in spot, having no idea what to do or think or how to react or anything because never in a million years could this happen. Nick wasn't like that. Nick loved Jeff, the same way that Jeff loved Nick. The Nick that Jeff knew would never cheat on him.
M- maybe it was just... just an accident? Jeff wanted so badly to give Nick the benefit of the doubt. More than anything else he wanted to be wrong in what he saw. But then... Jeff watched as Nick turned to completely face the girl -waggling his eyebrows and cupping her cheek- and they were making out before Jeff knew what hit him.
I can't watch this, this isn't happening! Tears started silently falling down Jeff's cheeks and his eyes were burning already. He still didn't know how to move but he had to get out of there. Jeff couldn't continue to watch as the boy that loves him -or maybe 'loved' is a better word- stuck his tongue down some girl's throat.
Somebody accidentally bumped into Jeff -saying their apologies- and that was all it took for Jeff to snap out of it. He took off, heading back for his room, barely able to see a damn thing through the tears streaming down his face.
So now that's why Jeff is curled up into a ball on his bed crying his eyes out.
What did I do to deserve this? This is the first Valentine's Day where I've actually had a Valentine, but now apparently some girl has taken my place. I must've fucked something up if all I'm getting today is my heart broken. Jeff hadn't been this hard on himself since before he and Nick started going out. Nick had been the one to make the first move. Nick was the one who asked Jeff out. Nick was the one who had fixed Jeff when nobody else could. Nick was the one who taught Jeff how to love and be loved in return.
Jeff broke out into another fit of sobs as he came to a realization. He must have only done any of that stuff because... Because he feels sorry for me! I'm such an idiot! I was just some project for him to keep himself busy with. I should've known better than to think that somebody could actually love me.
The thoughts continued like that for at least a half an hour. Jeff's pillow was completely soaked through with tears and he'd forgotten how to breathe more times than he could remember. But then again, Jeff couldn't remember much at the moment -only that his heart felt like it'd been ripped out of his chest, tossed around for people to hit or kick or use as target practice, been blown up and ripped into a million shreds, and then carelessly shoved back into place. Jeff had never felt so used and taken advantage of ever, and by Nick of all people to make him feel those ways? It didn't seem possible.
A few minutes later the door to the dorm opened and closed. "Jeff? You in here?"
Jeff tensed at the voice. It was Nick. No no no, I can't- I can't talk to him right now. I can't deal with this. I-
"There you are, Jeff, why didn't you-" Nick stopped mid-sentence when he got a better look at Jeff. Walking around to the side of the bed Jeff was facing, Nick squatted down so he was at the same level as him. "Jeff, what's wrong? What happened?" Nick's voice seemed full of concern.
Jeff wasn't buying it. He opened his eyes to look at Nick, but quickly looked away. He couldn't even look at Nick without seeing the image of him kissing that girl on the bench. Jeff wanted to tell Nick to go away and leave him alone, but he couldn't find his voice.
"Jeffy?" Nick reached out and touched Jeff's arm, but he instantly flinched away. Nick frowned. "Jeffy, what's wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that-"
"No, no I can't." Jeff interrupted, suddenly becoming furious and sitting up. "If I can't trust you, how do you expect me to tell you a damn thing?"
Nick stood up, completely baffled. "Whoa whoa, hold on, what? What are you talking about?"
Jeff shook his head, not even knowing how to begin. He settled for, "I saw you, Nick! I saw you outside with that- with that girl!"
Nick shook his head. "You mean Emily? Jeff, she's just-"
"Just what," Jeff cut him off -standing up and looking down at Nick. "Just your fuck buddy?"
"Wait, what the hell? What are you talking-"
"You two were kissing! How do you explain that?" All of Jeff's hurt from before now turned into anger. He was completely livid and couldn't stop himself or show any mercy. Not after what he knew Nick had done.
"Jeff, you don't know what you saw, she kissed me-"
"Oh save it, Nick. I might not be the smartest guy but just how fucking stupid do you think I am? I saw you. I saw you look at her with that- that look and then-" Jeff had to pause to breathe. "And then you leaned over and you kissed her. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I had to watch you two start going at it and- and since when are you even into girls? Last I knew you were gay, Nick. It would've been nice to tell your boyfriend of this sudden change before I had to see it for myself and-" Jeff couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stay strong and defend himself. He sank back onto the bed, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them, resting his head on them and rocking back and forth. Jeff didn't know when he started crying again, but he couldn't hold it back any longer.
Nick just stood there in shock for a minute without saying anything. He didn't know what to say. It's not like he could deny any of it... "Jeff, I-"
Jeff furiously shook his head. "I should've known," he choked out between gasping for air. "That you were too good to be true. T- that you were just using me to- to save yourself from boredom." Jeff managed to look up at Nick's face. "I should've known that you didn't really love me."
Nick kneeled down, putting his hands on either side of Jeff on the bed. "But I do-"
"Don't!" Jeff cut him off. "Don't lie to me!" His voice cracked and that was all he could manage to say without feeling like he was going to start hyperventilating again.
"Jeff, please-"
"No! No, you- you don't get to ask me anything! I'm not the one who cheated!" Jeff looked into Nick's eyes again. "I don't have to do anything, I know what I saw and what happened and... And you're not the one with the broken heart. So just leave me alone..."
Nick looked shocked. "Jeff, you don't mean that."
"The hell I don't mean it! I don't even want to look at you right now, Nick. Just go away!" Jeff fell back on the bed, covering his face with his hands and trying to focus on his breathing but it was useless. How am I supposed to breathe when N- He stopped himself from even thinking the name. When he just ripped my fucking heart out like it was nothing? And then he has the nerve to play the innocent card! Jeff shook his head, his emotions going back and forth from hurt to anger before he even had time to think about it.
Jeff heard the sound of a door close and he peeked his eyes open to see that Nick was gone. He really had left. The crying returned instantly. Wasn't that what Jeff wanted though? For Nick to leave? Shouldn't I feel relieved that he's gone? But he wasn't relieved at all. Jeff was torn between wishing Nick would come back and fight for him -fight like he has no other choice but to get Jeff to forgive him- and hoping that he never comes back.
All the confusion was only making things worse. Jeff's head was killing him from all the crying and he was surprised he wasn't out of tears yet. He crawled up so that his head was on his dry pillow and tried to calm his breathing down. He quietly sang to himself and it worked enough that he was able to fall asleep, finally at peace for the time being.
