A/N: And so we're back with the chapter that I've deemed to be the funniest of mine :). Hopefully you think so too. Also, please learn from Gilbert's mistakes. It's totally not okay what he intended to do.
Four Twenty, Craze It!:
4:20 PM
I woke up, only to find myself lying on top of Liza's living room couch. I had a massive bruise on my forehead, and judging by the dizziness, I most likely had a concussion too. I groaned, sitting up. I could hear water running in the shower upstairs.
Huh, Liza must have dragged me here after I had passed out at the breakfast diner. I honestly wouldn't put it past her.
Gott, I wasn't going to survive another day if I didn't find a way to cool Liza's temper. I mean, she had always been an explosively angry person, but she took things to a whole other level when on her period. She had gone full-bitch supernova.
I got up from the couch, staggering and almost losing my balance. I blinked black spots out of my eyes as I walked into the kitchen and pulled out an icepack from the freezer. Seriously though. I was willing to try anything if it meant getting Liza to chill a little.
Hmmm. Speaking of chill. Matt was pretty chill. Remember him? The roommate friend who had helped me figure out what the hell a pad was? Anyways, said Canadian was probably the chillest person that I knew. And, come to think of it, we did smoke the occasional joint together…
That's it! Weed! I'll get Liza to smoke a joint with me and poof!: No more angry Liza, no more potentially life-threatening brain injuries, and no more unawesome humiliation. This plan was perfect! No-! Awesome!
I grinned to myself like a fool as I pulled out my phone. With hair as long as Liza's, her showers could last up to an hour, sometimes even more than that. Regardless, I had to act quickly. Who knows how long she had already been in the shower for.
Gilbert: Yo Mattie! Do you think that I could snag a few grams of weed off you?
Matt: Sure thing! When and where?
Gilbert: Five minutes. Liza's apartment.
Matt: I thought that Liza doesn't know you smoke?
Matt: Gilbert…what are you up to?
Looks like my plan wasn't so awesome after all.
Gilbert: Shit! You're right.
Gilbert: Liza's acting batshit crazy rn.
Gilbert: Weed was my last hope of calming her down.
Matt: Why do you want to calm her down?
Gilbert: Because she's a psycho, duh!
Gilbert: She's also on her period.
Matt: Oh, right! How did your pad hunting turn out?
Gilbert: WE ARE NOT TO SPEAK OF THAT NIGHT EVER AGAIN.
Matt: Okay, okay. Gosh. No need to shout.
Gilbert: Ugh, what am I supposed to do now?
Matt: Well, I do have half a batch of leftover weed brownies in the fridge…
Gilbert: Awesome! You're a life saver!
Matt: I don't know how I feel about this. Isn't it wrong to give someone drugs without their knowing?
Gilbert: I'll pay you double the price :D
Matt: Pleasure doing business with you, hoser ;)
Matt: I'll be there in a five!
Gilbert: See you then, Maple Trooper!
Matt: You really need to stop calling me that…
…
I spotted Matt's rusted red truck idling in the back parking lot of Liza's apartment building. I walked up to said truck, hiding my eyes behind a pair of dark sunglasses. Matt had done the same, just in case there were any cops around.
Matt rolled down the truck's window, giving me a quick once-over. "Password?" he spoke in a delicate whisper.
I smirked in amusement. Matt wasn't a very intimidating drug dealer. If anything, he reminded me of Winnie the Poo. He was just as soft-spoken and even had a baggy red hoodie to match. "Trudeau is hella cool," I mused.
Matt raised his sunglasses so that they were perched on top of his head. "Access accepted," he chuckled, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small tinfoil package.
I reached into my own pocket to pull out a wad of bills. "Is this enough to your passive aggressive satisfaction?" I asked.
Matt took the wad of bills from me, exchanging them for the tinfoil package. "Very good, eh?" he remarked with just as much sarcasm.
I hid the tinfoil package in the folds of my leather jacket. "Well, I don't have much time before Liza gets out of the shower. I should head back. Thanks for the help, bro. It means a lot."
Matt smiled, his violet eyes twinkling. "That's quite the bruise on your forehead you got there. I'm glad that I could help."
I shrugged. "Ja, well. That's what I get for dating a lunatic."
I turned on my heels, waving over my shoulder. "Wish me luck. If you don't hear from me by tomorrow morning, feel free to sell my Xbox to help pay the rent."
Matt shook his head in disbelief. "Roger that."
"Hey Gilbert!" Matt called after me.
"Ja?"
"Don't have her eat more than two brownies. They're a pretty strong batch."
"Gotcha," I winked, feeling real smug on the inside.
Liza had repeatedly fucked me up over the past two days.
I was simply reciprocating the favour.
Kesesesese…
…
Liza was taking too long in the shower, and I was beginning to grow impatient. Eh, might as well dig into the brownies myself. I kept Matt's warning in mind as I stuffed two of them into my mouth. What?! I deserved to relax too, you know.
I was just starting to feel the high when my phone buzzed with multiple texts.
Matt: GILBERT! GILBERT! OMG!
Matt: I GAVE YOU THE WRONG BROWNIES!
Matt: THE ONE'S THAT I GAVE YOU ARE LACED WITH A STRONG HALLUCINOGENIC DRUG.
Matt: ALFRED TOOK MY BROWNIES BY MISTAKE.
Matt: GILBERT?! ANSWER ME!
There were so many questions that I had to ask, but couldn't because I was too busy freaking the fuck out.
Gilbert: WHAT?!
Gilbert: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Matt: What's wrong?! How many brownies did you have?!
Gilbert: I ATE TWO JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, YOU DUMMKOPH!
Matt: Tabarnac! You need to get to a hospital! Now!
Gilbert: I can't!
Matt: Gilbert, now's not the time to worry about the cops. You could die!
Gilbert: I'm not worried about the cops!
Gilbert: I'M WORRIED ABOUT LIZA!
My phone continued to buzz with frantic texts from Matt, but I didn't bother to answer them as I was currently tripping balls. My vision narrowed, causing me to fumble and drop my phone. The air around me thickened and I looked at the ground, crying out when I realized that the tiles were breathing.
I took a step forward, staggering when the ground rose in a gentle tidal wave. "Calm down, Gilly boy. It's just a bad trip. Shake it off," I murmured to myself.
I reached for the tinfoil package of brownies, gritting my teeth when I felt the floor rise in another tidal wave. When the wave subsided to the other half of the room, I chucked the tinfoil package into the garbage can underneath the sink.
I wanted to mess with Liza, not ruin her life.
"Oh! You're awake!" Liza exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. She was wearing nothing but a red towel to cover her body, her long hair damp and hanging all the way down to her waist.
"Good! I thought that I may have given you a concussion or something," she giggled. "Although, to be fair, you did deserve a good head-bashing for what you said."
When I didn't respond, this prompted Liza to cock her head to the side in question.
"Gil, are you alright?" she asked. "Your eyes look funny. I can hardly see the irises."
A sideways smirk crept onto my face. How odd, several pans were floating above Liza's head. Wait a minute. Why did the pans suddenly turn into several Gilbirds?
Cheep. Cheep.
I raised both hands to the air, walking towards Liza with a mute expression on my face. "That's right Gilbirds. Come to vati," I cooed.
Liza's face paled considerably. I must have spooked her. No matter, I needed to catch my fluffy children and find a stable home for them. I wonder how much nest mortgage would cost?
"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Liza spluttered, backing up a few paces.
"Kesesese," I laughed manically. "Cheep, cheep, motherfucker."
"Okay, seriously. You're really beginning to scare me…"
I blinked in disorientation, the cheeps of the Gilbird clones drifting away. They were soon replaced by the sound of drums.
I looked at Liza, ogling at how her long, luscious tendrils of hair floated in the air.
"Mein Gott," I muttered. "So beautiful."
I fell onto my knees, bowing down before Liza's feet. "I am yours to command, oh great psychotic one."
Liza sighed. "Why do I get the feeling that you're on drugs?"
I sobbed uncontrollably, unable to form a coherent sentence.
Liza pinched the bridge of her nose. "Thought so."
…
Liza: Did you give Gilbert drugs?
Matt: How did you know?
Matt: Um…is he…okay?
Liza: Like duh, I smoke weed too. Everyone knows that you're the go to dealer in town.
Liza: He's currently massaging my ankles with baby oil. You be the judge.
Matt: Hah! What a relief. Gilbert didn't want you to know that he smoked!
Matt: Wow, no comment.
Liza: That dumbass! Did he really think that he could keep a secret from me?
Liza: Hey…whatever you gave him…
Liza: Do you think that you could hook me up some time? ;)
Matt: Uh…yeah. Sure?
…
Lesson #7: Drugs and hormones are never a good mix.
