Author's Note: I'm a bad person. I know. I'm so sorry for the huge wait, but I promise that as summer comes closer I'll be updating more often. Thank you for your absolutely lovely reviews, and I hope all of you are having wonderful days!

WARNING: Parts of this story may be a trigger, so please read with caution. And remember that you are so beautiful and so loved!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything concerning The Mortal Instruments.


Chapter 7: Not Quite Healing

Loving yourself is a difficult thing. Very few people truly do, and then they are called vain. It's a sort of human hypocrisy, I suppose, a thinly veiled deadly sin. The beautiful thing was, I didn't need to love myself when I loved Sebastian. He did the loving for me, told me what looked best on me, how I should wear my hair, what I should do with makeup. It took that stress off me, the constant question of whether people would like me or not. A better question to ask myself now, as I sit in an old t-shirt and red hair that hasn't been brushed in a week, if that was really healthy for me. Was Sebastian healthy for me? It's the question that's been rattling around in my otherwise empty brain since I woke up in the hospital. I was released two days later, once they determined that I was responding to all their tests normally and had no head damage. Trust me, though. I was left with a lot of head damage.

Simon had held my hand and asked if I wanted to talk about anything, as he did every morning before he left for school. I shook my head like I always did, gave him a small smile that I hoped looked more sincere than it felt, and watched him as he warily returned the smile and promised to be back later. It had become routine, but I was forever grateful for Simon's presence. Though my inner turmoil never seemed to calm, my friendship with Simon eased the restlessness. I'd forgotten how happy I could be. In the mornings, before Simon came, I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror. I picked myself apart, hoping to see what other people saw. My mother was a classic beauty in her youth, with her long legs and ivory skin, and a lot of people told me I took after her. I could never see the resemblance. I'm more on the short side, and my pale skin makes me look more sickly than anything. Or maybe that's Sebastian's fault. A lot of things seem to be his fault nowadays. No, a part of me whispered. Your fault. I tried to find the parts of me that Sebastian might have loved, but usually I just found more things I hated. My hair was frizzy and never stayed put. It resembled a rat's nest more than anything. My green eyes were dull, and the freckles dotting my face made me look childish. My nose was too small, my lips too chapped and pale. My chest was too flat. My figure too boy-ish. My thighs jiggled a little when I walked. It felt like every time I looked in the mirror, I found another reason why my father left me, or why Sebastian hit me, or why my brother won't come back to visit.

But then Simon would walk in, holding two cups of some ridiculously hipster-named latte and a bag full of plain bagels and strawberry cream cheese, and I felt right at home. Sometimes, Jace would even walk in with him, and I felt so completely safe. Was it normal to look into the eyes of a total stranger and feel at ease? I mainly chalked it up to the fact that he had saved my life when he barely even knew me.

"How are you feeling, Clare?" Simon asked, pushing his glasses up his nose as he handed me a bagel.

"Alright," I said, which was always the answer.

Jace squinted his eyes at me. He wasn't as easily convinced as Simon. "You look tired. Have you been sleeping?"

I tried to smile, but didn't answer him. Jace unnerved me sometimes. "How was school?" I said in an attempt to change the topic of our conversation.

Both Jace and Simon snorted. "Boring as hell," Jace replied, and Simon nodded in agreement. "In other news, Simon's been making goo-goo eyes at my sister. So when's the wedding, Simon?"

Simon choked a little, but I began laughing. A full blown laugh, something I hadn't done in weeks. It ended as soon as it started, bubbling from my chest in a short sticatto sort of sound, but it was there. I actually laughed. Both Simon and Jace stared down at me, Simon with his huge goofy grin and Jace with an expression I couldn't quite identify. He looked kind of curious, his eyes full of wonder. His look unraveled me. "Who's your sister?" I asked to break the small silence that followed.

"Isabelle Lightwood."

"Lightwood? But I thought your last name was-"

"I'm adopted," he cut in abruptly. There was clearly going to be no more discussion on the topic of the different last names, especially since even Simon was shaking his head slightly at me to let me know that this was not a path I wanted to go down.

I was trying to put a face to the name. Where had I heard her name before? It was vaguely familiar...

"Wait a second...Isabelle? The gorgeous Isabelle that was standing with you guys on the first day of school?" I asked in disbelief.

Jace smirked. "The very one."

I groaned and threw my hands up in frustration. Are all of them beautiful? I screamed in my head.

When I looked over, I noticed Jace's smirk had gotten even wider, and Simon looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "No, just me, sweetheart. Isabelle's got some flaws that not even the most courageous of men could handle. Luckily for you, I'm pretty much perfect."

Oh god. I said it out loud. "Oh, please, Goldie. Is that what you tell yourself every time you look in a-" and then I cut myself off, because suddenly I was taken back to this morning in which I wondered if my existence in this universe was worth anything as I stared at my pale reflection in the mirror. My shoulders slumped forward. My small smile suddenly went missing. I used my hair to cover my face. "Sorry guys, I..uh, I actually am not feeling too well right now. Maybe come back later."

Simon sat up and started walking closer towards me. "Clary," he started.

"No, really, Simon. I'll be okay. Just a little nauseous. I'll text you later," I said, in short clips because really I was having a hard time controlling my breathing at the moment.

"Okay...okay, Clary. I love you. Call me, okay?" Simon said, his eyebrows scrunched together in clear concern. He grabbed Jace's arm and walked towards the door, and I watched as Jace's eyes never left mine. So many questions were held in them. He knew. But even though he knew, he walked through the door and shut it behind him, following Simon out to his car.

And with the echoing sound of the shut door, I closed my eyes and scrunched my hands into fists as an onslaught of all of Sebastian's ridicules came flooding into my memories. Any hope I had of ever escaping him were chased away by the grating sound of Sebastian's voice telling me he would be the only one who could ever love me.