Personal Demons

Chapter Seven

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Dean stared at the dressing. He flexed his hand a few times with a slightly bewildered expression on his face, as though he was no longer quite sure why it was there.

"Better off without me," he repeated in a dull tone, pushing himself up from the bed with no thought for the open medical kit. A few items tipped over the edge and rolled away across the floor. He wandered off aimlessly towards the door.

"No. Dean." Sam ran and tackled him from behind in a desperate hug. "Dean." His voice was husky, the name repeated like a prayer.

The physical contact was completely unexpected. Dean went rigid with shock as his lungs emptied with a gasp. "Sam!"

Sam tightened his hold, leaned his head against the back of his brother's head. "Don't do this."

His brother let out a small, bitten-off groan.

"Please." Sam whispered, his voice raw. "You're hurting so badly. Tell me how to help. Let me help."

"Don't please...I'm okay!" The words came out in a rush as Dean's legs folded. He landed on his knees on the carpet, his hands making a lie of the words as they rose up until his shaking fingers gripped each side of his own head. He bent forwards, away from Sam. "Don't touch me, okay!"

Sam knelt behind him, his hand hovering, halting himself before he made contact.

"Just... stay where I can see you."

"Don't touch. Okay." Sam said, trying to calm himself. "Okay don't touch." His brows drew together, his voice soothing. "It's just me. It's me. It's Sam."

Dean's hands dropped, now braced against his thighs for support. He turned brimming eyes to his brother. "Is it?" The words seemed to be torn out of the depths of his chest. "…'cause sometimes it's not."

"No." Sam protested. "No, it's always me."

"No. It wasn't. It just looked like you."

Sam's face crumpled. "Dean."

A tear flooded the green iris, overflowed and darted down Dean's cheek. "And then you used to cut me... or worse…"

"What? No! Dean, I never cut you." Sam bent around to look him in the eyes. "Buddy."

His brother's jaw was tight. "Now you're all demon blooded..."

Sam finally caught Dean's gaze. "No. No. Dean..." he paused, battling a sudden upswing of anxiety. "Oh god, what did they do to you?"

There was naked hurt on Dean's face, the customary barriers completely absent. "Everythin' you can think of Sam. Then a whole lotta other things." Another tear escaped. "How can you let even a tiny drop of that blood into you. THEY WERE DEMONS!"

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"And YOU… you're trying to turn into one!"

"No. No, I'm not. I promise."

"You carry on like this, you will."

Sam reined back his urge to get defensive and touched his brother's cheek with the knuckles of his hand.

Dean's voice was desperate, frightened. "How long, Sammy? Before your eyes turn black on me? Before you get that knife out?"

"I'd NEVER do that to you." He replied heatedly.

"You already did."

"Dean, that blood..." Sam paused. "I've already had it in me. Since I was a baby."

"A drop, Sam. Not gallons of the stuff." Dean swallowed.

"And I never cut you! Why are you saying that?"

"Cut me, here, no. But you let Ruby do her thing."

"What did she do?" Sam asked in bafflement.

Dean rushed on. "I didn't see you stopping her!"

"I just saw her talking to you. She was trying to help?"

His brother sounded bitter. "You musta seen her fucking face, Sam. She kept pushing and pushing… first in Baby, 'til I crashed…" Dean's voice dried up, his jaw working.

"What face?" There was a wall of misunderstanding rising between the two made of Dean's accusations and Sam's inability to understand what he was trying to articulate. "No. I saw her trying to talk to you."

"Next thing I'm tied up… then later, she kept pushing her face at me." Dean's face twisted, his rate of respiration increasing as he fought to keep calm. "She knew it'd make me flip. Knew it was the nly thing that'd get you outta there. She used me!"

Sam almost reached for his brother's arm, stopped. "You weren't in on it with her? To get me out?"

"IN ON IT! I came up there to get you away from Lilith, so you didn't get killed! I didn't want to have some fucking mental trip to HELL!"

"Okay." Sam nodded.

"Twice!"

"Dean calm down." Sam softened his voice. "Come back, okay?"

"I was tryin' to look out for you! I didn't want to feel that again, Sam… see that again! I can't keep goin' through that!" The desperation was as raw as an open wound. "And what can I do, HUH? What can I do? Fucking shoot myself! So I can go right BACK!"

"I don't know! But..." Sam paused to get his breath, ran his fingers through his hair. "Let's...let's get you to Bobby, huh? He can look after you a bit."

"WHAT! I don't need looking after." Dean pushed at him ineffectually. "The friggin' seals are breaking all over… I haven't got time for a nice bit of R&R! I've got a job to do!"

"You're skating on a thin line here."

It seemed at first that Dean hadn't even heard him. "Or all that shit is gonna be right here, in the world!"

"I just want you to be okay."

"Well I'm not okay. I'm not ever gonna be okay. We're ALL skating on a thin line. END of the WORLD, Sam!"

"I can handle it. I'm stronger right now." Sam's conviction sounded sincere.

"You can't handle this yourself. You're not stronger, you're drugged up!"

"No. I'm stronger. I've got this." The emotion left his tone. "There's times when you're stronger and now is my time."

Dean lurched to his feet. "So your demon diet is making you physically stronger than me, fine, that'll help against a major player from hell. Why do you believe her Sam?"

"No." Sam winced. "That's not what I mean."

"I know what they're capable of. And believe me I am gonna do ANYTHIN' to stop it happening again. So don't try and side-line me with Bobby, 'cause I will kick your ass!"

Sam's face fell as he realized that there was no getting through Dean in his current state. Maybe not ever.

Dean's voice was deepening to a shout. "I have a right to be in on this one. NO-ONE has more right than me!"

Sam shut down very abruptly at the tirade, shoved the lid down on his emotion.

His brother ground the heels of his palms into his eyes, his voice harsh. "Isn't it time you went back to Ruby? 'Cause you're screwing with my head here."

Sam swallowed and stood up. "I...love you. I...know it may not be reciprocal right now. But... I do." He headed to the door, still shut down, face flat.

"You fucking self-centred piece of shit!" A red flush spread over Dean's pale cheeks. "How can you think I don't love you? I fucking went to HELL for you!"

Sam turned, shocked at the reproach. "You went to hell for yourself, Dean. Not for me. You didn't want to be alone. So you brought me back." He could feel the anger building again. He was hurt, upset and he turned it all back on Dean. "What's dead should stay dead. And I shoulda stayed dead!"

The words took the wind right out of Dean's sails. "Is that what you think? I only brought you back so I wasn't lonely?" His voice was small and very, very hurt. "Is that really all you think of me?"

"I don't know what to think anymore."

"You're right, what's dead should've stayed dead. It should've been you and Dad all along. I was already dead remember?"

"Don't put that burden on me. It's not mine to shoulder." Sam answered, even as he battled the guilt that Dean was throwing at him.

"No, it's mine. It'll always be mine." Despair poured off his brother.

"Yeah maybe it should have been me and Dad. I'd rather it was you and me but when it comes down to it, Dad shouldn't have dealed. And I should've died at Cold Oak."

Dean's eyes were bleak. "You did."

"I should've stayed dead." Sam's voice was sincere. "At Cold Oak."

"But hey, never mind." Dean's expressive face twisted with sarcasm. "Apparently I wanted a trip to hell anyway."

Sam's nostrils flared. "Stop twisting my words, Dean!"

"Are you going? 'Cause I think you've said just about everythin' you wanted to."

Sam paused, lifted his head. "Do you want me to?" He met Dean's unforgiving expression and dropped it again. "Yeah. I guess you do." He looked lost for a moment.

"Well you tell me. Seeing as I'm scared to be alone." There was bitter sting to the response.

"Are you?" Sam raised an eyebrow in inquiry, knowing Dean was throwing his words back at him but wanting to see if he should take them as a double entendre.

Dean ducked his chin, breaking eye contact. "Why did you come here, Sam?"

The emotion broke through again. "To see my brother."

"Gah!" Dean scrubbed his hand across his head, frustration on his face.

Sam stood patiently, his eyes taking on a plaintive look.

"Sam. I don't know what to say here man. YOU walked off. Not me. And you're making me feel like I'm the one should be apologising."

"No!" Sam exclaimed. "I...I apologized. I was wrong for leaving."

His brother gripped the bridge of his nose for a moment, closing his eyes.

"What do you want from me, cause you're confusing me dude?"

Sam continued, owning up to his mistake. "There was no excuse for me to do that to you."

"Sam! Leave it! It's over now. Done." Dean paused. "Doesn't stop what you're doing with Ruby though, does it?"

His younger brother went quiet. "No. No it doesn't."

"So why are you here? 'Cause you still haven't told me."

"I have told you."

"You wanted to find me, I'm found. You wanted to apologise or somethin'. You've done that. So now what do we do?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." Sam offered lamely. He stood a bit awkwardly, unsure of himself. "I don't know."

"I AM NOT gonna tell you it's all okay to be with Ruby."

"I don't need your permission to be with her."

Dean turned away a little, showing Sam his shoulder. "Don't seem to need much from me at all now, Sammy."

Sam sighed. "Why would you say that?"

Dean turned back, squinting at him, annoyed. "What was it you said... I've got this one, I'm stronger? Well you're not strong enough for this. And nothin' you say is gonna make me think you are. Ruby is gonna double-cross you and then destroy you." His voice dropped almost to a whisper. "Destroy us both."

Sam pressed ahead with the same logic. Doggedly. Stubbornly, like he always did, as if he just repeated it enough it would sink in. "Tactically, this is our best option."

"We'll find another way. One that doesn't involve trusting a demon!"

"There is no other way."

"There HAS to be. It's meant to be you and me, Sammy!"

Sam shook his head. "We have like 10 seconds to lift off Dean. Unless you got an option you haven't told me, I don't see another one."

"Not you and some demon. Don't do it, please." It was a desperate plea.

"It IS you and me." Sam assured. "It will always be you and me." He studied Dean's expression a moment. "You're jealous." He huffed. "Is that it?"

Disappointment settled on Dean's features. "Cheap shot, Sammy."

"We do not have time to play the jealousy game. We have zero options and the timer is ticking down." Sam paused. "You're going to sit here and look me in the eye and honestly tell me you aren't jealous?"

"You're such a friggin' jackass. I don't want to get in your pants. I'm tryin' to look out for you here." Dean rolled his eyes, trying to pass it off as sarcasm but failing to hide the hurt note in his voice. "When did you stop trusting ME?"

"You don't listen to anything I say without your filter, do you? The one that twists everything I say. Everything. I DO trust you. I just think your judgment is...clouded here."

"What did I twist? Nothing. You want to kill yourself doing what some demon bitch tells you to do. There's no twisting that!"

"Nothing?" Sam snorted.

Dean yanked open the top of his duffle bag and began to root around inside. He came up with another bottle of whiskey. "Thank god." Said fervently.

Sam continued to talk over his action. "Me saying I'm stronger right now. Me saying you shouldn't have dealed to get me back. Me saying you're jealous. It's ALL twisted in your head." The expression turned to his renowned bitch face. "And of course me telling you, you drink too much. That'll be twisted too."

"I'm too tired to fight with you, Sam." Dean took a drink of whiskey, licking at his bottom lip as the burn took hold.

"I don't want to fight with you. I want us to be brothers." Sam's face was earnest.

"Doesn't matter what I say, you're gonna turn it around. There's no point saying anythin' anymore."

Sam stepped forward tentatively. "I see you're hurting. I wanna help."

"What? By telling me I'm weak. I drink too much. That you can do what you want. Yeah that helps. Thanks."

Sam couldn't hide his despair at the accusation. "No."

Dean jammed the bottle neck against his lips and tipped it up, swallowing hard until the level was a third of the way down the label. He dragged in a breath, blinking as his eyes lost focus for a moment.

"Hey." Sam put his hands on Dean's shoulders, trying to anchor him. "I'm here, man. I'm right here."

Dean stared at him balefully, took another few swallows of liquor.

"It's hard to watch you self-destruct. Don't make me do it." Sam squeezed his shoulder.

His brother pulled away, tongue fumbling a little over the words. "Don' touch me… Nothin' left to destruct." He waved the bottle in Sam's general direction, the liquid inside sloshing around noisily. "I'm okay."

Sam's eyes grew sad. "Yeah. I can see that."

Another couple of swallows and Dean's eyes were glassy, a little bloodshot.

"I've been keeping my distance not because I want to, but because I can't watch you do this to yourself." Sam felt the wall growing taller. "And I can't let you take me down with you. There's too much at stake. And you're going to... If I get too close." Even now Dean's despair dragged at him. Weighed him down.

"I've never taken you down, EVER. And I never will."

"You are now." Sam grabbed the bottle and pulled it away.

It was like dropping a lit match onto lighter fuel. "How can you even SAY that! I'm doin' nothin' to you. YOU CAME HERE! Just fuck off if you feel that way. GO ON FUCK OFF!"

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Last chapter soon… Thank you for reading!. Many thanks to our reviewers:

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