Dear Diary

We all went into the city this morning for mom's doctor's appointment. As always it was depressing walking into the hospital. But Alice took care of the depressing look and has stayed on top of the fresh pink roses and streamers all over the hall. I can't help but feel like I am always following Mom down a dark hallway and that she won't return.

It was even harder this time because Macy wasn't with me to hold my hand like all the other times. She had her own appointment to go to. Plus she has not been staying with us the past couple of days. I hope that she gets to come home soon, I miss her. I think I am starting miss Macy more than I did when mom was not around as much.

It hurts knowing that I could not only lose mom, but Macy as well.

I think I might actually follow Daddy's footsteps and go into medicine and find a cure not only for cancer but for AIDS as well. That way no one else will ever need to go through what I am going through, especially other kids.

It's not fair!!

But the weird part of the day is when Daddy took me to go see a counselor; he said that it would be good for me to talk to others that have gone through the something as me. I felt alone in that little room even though there were other kids around my same age. Everyone having a parent, mostly a mom, that was dying from cancer.

And it was in that little room with everyone looking at me that I admitted something that I have never even wrote in here before.

Dr. Connors asked me how I felt now after seeing mom at home and watching her. I bit down on my lip at first and looked around at everyone else, knowing that they would not like me after I said the words that I kept locked up inside.

"I hate her," I said quietly but I could feel anger in my voice as well.

"Who do you hate, Molly," Dr. Connors asked.

"I hate my mommy," I kept trying to reach up and wipe the tears but they kept coming.

I could feel all the eyes on me but for some reason when I looked up quickly I could see that many other were crying as well.

"Why do you hate your mommy?"

"Because she is going to leave me…"

"What else are you afraid of?"

I never had anyone ask me that question before even though I have always thought about it. "That Daddy is going to die and I will be alone to take care of Brett and Jasen myself."

After the words left my mouth I immediately regretted even saying the words. But when I felt a hand on my shoulder I looked up and saw another girl my age telling me that she was mad as well at her mom.

It felt good to know that I was not totally alone and that it was alright to have these feelings but it hurts as well from all the times that I have had a fight with Mom and told her how much I hated her and those where such stupid fights.

I just learned that I have another reason to hate her, but I learned that is not Mommy that I hate, but the disease.