Nature vs. Woman
The next morning after dinner Quinn gets ready to leave for London.
Front Desk Man: "Your passport Ms. Pensky. Have a safe trip home!" Quinn: "All ready then, where's Lillian at Steven?" Steven: "I just rang up she's on her way down." Quinn: "Right." Logan: "So I'll send Hayley back to you over Christmas." Quinn: "And Lillian will spend Easter with you." The girls walk down in similar outfits. Hayley in a pink button down in jeans and Lillian in an orange button down in jeans. Quinn: "Lilly what are you doing in those clothes we've got a plane to catch?" Hayley: "Here's the deal mom. We thought and talked about it and we decided we are being totally jibed." Lillian: "Dad promised we'd go together on our camping trip and we want to go together." Logan: "What camping trip?" Hayley: "The one we go on every summer before school starts." Quinn: "Lilly this is ridiculous go upstairs this instant and put your clothes on." Hayley: "Are you sure I'm Lillian?" Quinn: "Well of course I'm sure." Lillian: "But it's kind of hard to be a 100 percent sure, isn't it?" Logan: "Girls, this is totally unfunny you're going to make your mother miss her airplane."
Quinn: "Lillian!" Girls: "Yes?" Logan looks at them with suspicion and looking very closely to make sure who is who. Logan: "This one's Hayley I'm SURE." Hayley: "You know I hope you're right dad because you wouldn't want to send the wrong girl all the way back to England." Lillian: "Would you?" Hayley: "Here's our proposition. We go back to dads house pack our stuff and the four of us leave on the camping trip." Quinn: "The four of us?" Hayley: "And when you bring us back we'll tell you who's Lillian and who's Hayley." Quinn: "But we're your parents so here's our deal. We do the trip or I'll take one of you back with me to London weather you like it or not. That's our proposition."
Back at Logan's house as he's loading up the Jepp Wrangler. Jenny: "And just what am I to do for three whole days sit home and nit?" Logan: "Honey, we have kind of a sticky situation." Jenny: "Sticky situation, What do you mean sticky situation what exactly." Logan clears his throat as Quinn walks down the stairs. Jenny: "Excuse me. What is she doing here?" Logan: "You see, that's part of the deal the four of us we… go together." Jenny: "What is this the Brady Bunch this is redic-" Quinn: "Hello. Is everything alright?" Jenny: "Well no it isn't actually. I didn't know you were going on this little adventure trip and to tell you the truth I'm not so sure that I'm ok with it." Quinn seemingly agrees and convinces logan to let her go as a possible way to get rid of Jenny. Quinn: "I agree Jen. Though i do think the sleeping bag and the ex wife is a little weird." Jenny: "Thank you" Quinn: "I absolutely think you should come on the camping trip with us." Logan: "Quinny you don't have to…" Quinn: "No honestly Loge I've ruined your entire weekend it's the least I can do. Really, please."
As Jenny comes down with a load of so much camping gear much like an amount for a seven day cruise she is wearing a sport suit that reveals her mid section, black shades and red lipstick as always obviously trying to look sexy for mother nature and Logan himself their all ready to take off. Quinn: "Ok all set? Have fun everyone." Logan: "Quinn just what are you think you're doing here?" Quinn: "We'll I just figured since you and Jenny are getting ready to tie the knot you might want some time alone before the big day." Hayley: "Mom, come on that's not the plan." Quinn: "Trust me, you'll have a much better time without me." Jenny: "Wait hold up. If you're not going I certainly don't have to go I mean trust me I'm not a big nature girl." Quinn: "But I think this'll be good for you. You know a change to really bond with the girls get to know then cause after all starting next week their… their half yours." Logan listened to Quinn so that's on him. He puts on his black shades and throws Quinn a huge grin as they pull off. The girls are huffing and puffing that their plan backfired. Quinn: "Have fun all of you. Bye bye!" Nancy rushes outside to see the gang off "Oh, I would pay big bucks to see that woman climb a mountain." As they climb stumble and make their way through the San Bernardino National Forest Camp Site Jenny gets long winded due to the unbeknown fact Hayley is stuffing huge rocks into her backpack. Jenny: "Oh my god. My trainer is dead meat. I can't believe people actually do this for fun." Logan: "Hold it! We're stopping." Hayley: "Again! Dad at this rate it'll take us three days just to get to the lake." Logan: "Jenny isn't use to the altitude up here. Just chill ok we're gonna get there."
Jenny: "Ah, I'm in so much pain my feet are killing me here. Somebody hand me my Evian I cant move." Hayley: "Sure." I know this is unusual for this type of animal to be in a forest preserve but I'm putting a rat. Not a mouse folks a RAT! Hayley: "Brilliant." As she spots it and puts it on the Evian bottle. Hayley: "here you go Jen." Jenny: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Logan: "Honey, you ok? What happened?" Hayley: "This little guy was on her Evian bottle." Logan: "I know their creepy but he won't hurt you Jen." Jenny: "Oh right, sure yeah like you said their just harmless little things. I'm ok you just go ahead I'll be fine." Hayley puts the rat in Jenny face to scare her even the more. Jenny: "Get that thing away from me I hate those creepy wavy tails they FREAK ME THE FREAK OUT!" (HINT HINT VICTORIOUS). "How can you touch that vile nasty thing just put it down." Hayley: "Ok, I'll put it down." 'on her head' Hayley said in her mind. Logan: "Girls." Girls: "What!" Logan: "I'm taking the lead. The two of you help Jenny, alright." Jenny: "Sure you guys will help me right over a cliff you'll help me." Hayley: "Not a bad idea." Lillian: "Yeah, see any cliffs." Jenny in a low agitated voice says "oh my backpack!" Hayley: "Need a hand their Jen?" Jenny: "Not from you thank you. Don't think I don't know what you up to with those angelic faces. One more trick from you two sly demons and I promise I will make your lives a living He double hockey sticks from the day I say I do. Got it!" Hayley: "Got it skunk bag." Jenny: "What did you call me?" Hayley: "Nothing nothing not a thing skunk bag. By the way Jen, I think theirs something on your head." (Jaws theme plays) She feels through her hair and sees a furry giant fat rat comming down her face and goes in her mouth as she freaks out trying to spit it out. She spits it out and literally freaks out almost wimpering like a kid. Logan: "babe, you alright, what happened?" Jenny: "Why don't you ask them." In a raspy voice. Peeking out from behind a tree with cunning smiles Hayley says "Dad what did we do we were right behind you ." Hayley: "Oh Lill look at these foot prints you think they came from a mountain lion?" Lillian: "Well looks like it Hay. If so how do we warn then off?" Hayley: "well an old ancient trick is: you bang to stick together and it frightens them." Lillian: "thanks for the tip we'd better be careful."
Later that evening the gang is eating trout while jenny is being irritated to death by mother nature herself. Logan: "Here we go girls. This wood ought to hold us for a while." Hayley: "You sure you don't want some trout mom? Is that ok by the way if we start calling you mom?" Jenny: "I think your mother would prefer if you called me Jenny and no thank you I do not eat trout for thee thousandth time. I will wait until breakfast- wait! You know what I've got something in my bag. Ah ha! Hello old friend come to mama." Logan: "Wait a second what are you doing with that ham?" Jenny: "What's it look like I'm gonna eat it." Before she can take a bite Logan grabs it and throws it in the fire. Jenny: "What you do that for? Now I'm going to starve to death!" Logan: "Come on we're eating trout try it it's part of the experience." Jenny: "Now my ham is being roasted to a crisp and I didn't even get any! And what's the other part of the experience huh Loggie being eaten to death by mosquitoes what am I a 24/7 blood bank or something? God, you'd think they actually like this stuff!" Logan: "We'll what's that you're using? Here let me see that." Logan smells it and dabs a bit on his hand before realizing… Logan: "You're going to attract every mosquito in the state with this stuff, It's sugar and water. Where'd you get it?" Jenny scowls at the girls as they take another spoonful of trout. Jenny: "I'm done for the night. I'm taking one large sleeping pill and going to bed." Baging to stick together thinking there are mountain lions up their Logan asks her. "Jenny what are you doing?" Jenny: "I don't want the mountain lions to- there are no mountain lions up here are their?" Logan: "No but there are bears but don't worry their way up in these mountains so don't get all jumpy." Jenny walks over to Logan plants a big sloppy wet kiss on his lips as the girls look on with disgust and their 'puke faces' on. Jenny: "Goodnight!" Logan: "Night mama! Girls I'm telling you back off ok this isn't her thing I'm not marrying her because she's Dana Cruz." Lillian: "Who's Dana Cruze?" Logan: 'Just an old frien-… a temptress who tried to flirt we me in… you know what forget it and take a chill pill!"
That night the girls pull the finial trick up their sleeves to get rid of the 'skunk bag' they go in the lake and fsh out the ham and Lillian stuffs it under her shirt and finds fat cakes in her bag and puts them on her chest right abe her bra under her shirt. and Lillian pours honey all over her legs then they try to drag her into the lake. Lillian: "Gosh, she's heavy what does she eat?" Hayley: "Probably all those fat cakes she likes and she snores like a freight train." Jenny stirs in her sleep thinking someones touching her "Loggie poo is that you?" As they push her into the lake Hayley says: "Sweet dreams and Lillian says "Happy Trails then in unison they say "Mommy dearest".
The next morning a bear is licking Jennys feet and then licks the fat cakes right where her chest is as Jenny moans "Oh, Lolo that feels nice, oh that tingles. Stop it you're so crazy." As she awakes she sees the bear in the water licking near her 'SPECIAL AREA BELOW HER NECK' "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LOGGIE!" it echoes through out the air. Logan: "Aw man." She falls in the water as is pissed off to the highest pont as she walks up to him kicking the lantern breaking it. Logan: "Whats going on?" Jenny: "Whats going on? WHAT'S GOING ON! LOOK AT ME LOGGIE MY LEGS ARE COVERED IN HONEY I FOUND A HAM UNDER MY SHIRT AND A BEAR WAS LICKING MY CHEST AND NECK AND YOU ASK WHAT'S GOING ON? Here's what's going on Mr. pretty boy, hot stuff! The day we get married is the day I ship those demons off to Sweden and I get half your good fortune in the movie studio. It's me or them take your pick?" Logan: "Wait wait! How dare you call my little girls demons their angles I ought to hit you but I'm not because I've been going to anger management but they were trying to help me realize how bad you were. I'm glad they did and as far as I'm concerned you can take your stinking ring back and I choose them we're though! Jenny: "you're making a big mistake. I can help better your career I'm your talent agent Loggie poo! Logan: "No, the biggest mistake I made was not listening to my daughters." Jenny: "YOU NAÏVE PEA BRAIN! I HATE YOU AND I HATE THOSE LITTLE BRATS YOUR RIGHT I WAS IN IT FOR THE MONEY YOU JERK!" Logan: "oh I'm a jerk. Well then your (in song) an evil woman an evil woman a conceded take all woman. Just like elo says." She goes in her tent goes in her bag and grabs something. Logan: "whats in the sock?" Jenny: "butter! A butter sock! I brought it to fight off animals but I knew this come in handy!" she throws it at Logan along with the ring. Logan: "I know I said I don't hit women but in this case I'll make an exception." He hits her with the butter sock and she falls to the ground with a red bruise.
Jenny: "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ALL ARE? (REMEMBER RUGRATS FUN PHRASE) YOU ARE ALL ESPECIALLY THOSE DEMONS LITTLE." their mouths just drop open. Logan: "come on girls lets go home." Jenny: "Wait Logan, youre just gonna leave me out here? I'll starve how will I get home?" Logan: "I don't know and don't care you skunk bag." Jenny: "excuse me?" Logan: "I said skunk bag!" she yells at him (just like in the movie at the camping scene when she's soaked.) Logan: :"by the way your friend is back." Jenny: "My fri- AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" as she runs into the woods with a second butter sock seeing how Logan took the first one.
Back at the house as Logan pulls up Quinn comes out. Quinn: "hello guys, why are you back so soon." Did you have fun?" Hayley: "Well I wouldn't go right to fun." Quinn: "you wouldn't?" Lillian: "We've been punished to the end of the century." Logan: "Starting now. Go!" Quinn: "Where's Jenny?" Hayley: "We played a couple of harmless tricks on her and she freaked out a little." Logan: "Hmm a little. She through this at my head at least its smaller than a pair of clackers and she hit me with this butter sock and let me tell you it hurt worse than those clackers." Quinn: "Logan it's all my fault if I hadn't suggested she go." Logan: "oh, tricked. Tricked would be more like it. Like mother like daughter." Quinn: "I really feel bad about this Loge." Hayley: "We do too dad really." Lillian: "yeah!" Logan: "up to your room. Now." Logan: "they saved my butt, I owe them one. One day. So where in the world is Nancy I'm starving?" Quinn: "Well she and Steven went off on a picnic around noon, yesterday." Logan: "Really. Who would've thought my nanny your butler. So what do you say I fix up something to eat?" Quinn: "Logan you can cook now?" Logan took cooking lessons after the divorce since it was basically just him even though Nancy was their at the time. Logan: "Sure I can cook. I can make pasta and pasta and umm" Quinn: "um pasta sounds good." Logan: "Well pasta it is then!"
