1:30am
"Kaoru, you're such a freaking idiot! Would you please talk to me?" Kaoru did this every single time. Every time he felt something too deeply he would just shut down. He wouldn't even talk to me about it, and I was the only one he ever talked to anything about. If I weren't his brother I would punch him. If I weren't me I would feel completely fine, but in reality whenever he did this it made me a bit jealous. I can't hide my emotions. I'm honest and I speak my mind, even around other people who didn't deserve to be in our world. Like today at the club.
I thought what I had said to the feudal lord would aggravate Kaoru, but I didn't think that he would let Tamaki's ability to momentarily tell us apart get to him more than my tactless comment. Sometimes I wondered who the bigger idiot between the two of us was. Wasn't he the one who screamed that no one would ever be able to tell us apart, that he knew it from the very beginning?
"Kaoru, I'm serious. Talk to me." I crawled over to his bed, looking down at his face. I really hated when he did this. Why couldn't he just open up for one second? He just turned so that he was facing the wall. Honestly, Kaoru.
1:30am
"Kaoru, you're such a freaking idiot! Would you please talk to me?" Hikaru understood absolutely nothing, did he? Tamaki-sempai had somehow been able to tell us apart. I knew we were always contradicting ourselves. We wanted to be told apart; we didn't want to be told apart. I couldn't talk to Hikaru because I didn't understand it myself, and I was the smart one. I guess you could say that I'm immature, that sometimes, though far less than Hikaru, I let my emotions run away from me. Like today at the club.
I thought what I had said to Tamaki-sempai would make Hikaru happy, but I didn't think that he would be so blind to what I was trying to do for him. Really though, I wasn't doing it for him; I was doing it for myself. Sometimes I wondered who the bigger idiot between the two of us was. Wasn't Hikaru the one who was comfortable never being told apart, comfortable with that from the very beginning.
"Kaoru, I'm serious. Talk to me." Hikaru's face suddenly appeared before mine. If we had just met at this moment would I be able to tell us apart? No, I wouldn't. I lifted my body slightly so that I could turn the other way and avert his gaze. I'm sorry, Hikaru."
3:26am
* "The one who isn't me is you, right Hikaru?" I asked, reaching out a small hand and touching the other identical hand that was outstretched towards mine.
"Of course, silly. Mommy calls you Kaoru, so you can't be Hikaru." Three year old Hikaru curled his fingers within mine and smiled, cocking his head. We were cute when we were little. I remembered this, as I followed Hikaru down the hall; this was a memory not some ordinary dream, and I was playing myself nearly eleven years ago.
"If I'm Kaoru, then why do I look like you? If you were Hikaru then you would look different from me." Hikaru grabbed me around the waist and pushed me down on the ground, both of us giggling as we wrestled in the hallway.
"Mommy!" Hikaru's shrill scream blasted through the hall as I pushed him too hard into a hanging picture frame, the glass breaking and a sharp piece sticking into Hikaru's hip. He was crying. Mommy came running down the hall, folding Hikaru in her arms and looking at me angrily.
"Kaoru, you stay here with your father." I couldn't stop crying as Daddy picked me up. Mommy took Hikaru into the kitchen where he was still screaming and crying, and then the two of them left.
"Daddy! I want to go with Hikaru! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I buried my small head in my father's chest as he picked me up off the ground and carried me to my room. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I mumbled over and over again, curling myself into a little ball, weeping into the pillow. I was alone for what seemed like an eternity. When was Hikaru coming back? Would he ever come back? It felt like I had been wounded too, and it hurt really bad.
"Kaoru! Kaoru look at this!" I wiped away the tears from my eyes when I saw Hikaru run towards me and jump on the bed, pulling down his pajama bottoms slightly. There was a red line running along his hip with black thread looping around it, "The doctor said that I'll probably have this scar forever."
"I'm sorry, Hikaru." I started to cry again, but Hikaru just grabbed me around the neck and into a hug, giggling.
"You're silly, Kaoru. Now we'll always know which one is Hikaru and which one is Kaoru. Even if no one else can, we will always be able to tell ourselves apart. Kay?" He giggled again and wiggled his way underneath the covers, grabbing my hand and quickly falling asleep. We would always be able to tell ourselves apart, even in no one else could.*
3:27
"Kaoru, what do you think that you're doing?" I woke up to my brother trying to pull down my pants, "Can we please keep the twincest to as much of a minimum as possible? Geez. Please don't tell me you've gone as loopy as those wackos." I laughed because Kaoru smiled, which he hadn't done all day.
"Hikaru, do you remember when you got that scar?" I was glad that I had read a lot of Jung and Freud books because the whole in body experience of a dream really made a lot more sense to me, and living in the conscious memory of my three year old self was a bit tricky at the worst of times.
"I don't remember much. I remember that we were playing and I got hurt, then I went to the hospital and this really fat nurse gave me a lollypop. Beyond that I have no clue." Kaoru laughed and flopped onto his back, sighing. Good, he was finally going to break and tell me what was wrong, though he could have waited till later this morning.
"Hikaru, do you think that Tamaki-sempai could actually tell us apart?" I asked, slipping my arm under the covers and grabbing Hikaru's hand with my own. He squeezed my fingers comfortingly.
"That feudal lord? Not a chance. It was just a lucky guess." I honestly didn't know how to answer that question, but I didn't really want to say that I thought that Suoh had actually managed to figure which one is which. Kaoru couldn't handle that right now.
"Oh"
"I still don't know why you didn't just let him be right, Kaoru. It's not like he actually can honestly tell the two of us apart. Only we can do that." Again, I honestly wasn't sure whether the feudal lord was just guessing or whether he could tell. I didn't really want to think about it.
"I want to keep him guessing." I didn't want this to change, really. I wanted to be told apart; I didn't want to be told apart. I couldn't explain why I reacted the way I did except to say that I didn't want this to change. I didn't want Hikaru to become too different from me, too far away.
"You're a walking contradiction." I shook my head as I punched him in the arm with my free hand, turning onto my side. Kaoru mirrored my movements so that it looked as if I was looking into a mirror.
"You think?" I sighed, "Goodnight, Hikaru."
"Goodnight, Kaoru." My brother quickly fell asleep, his hand relaxing away from my own. Half of me wanted Tamaki-sempai to have told us apart, half of me wanted him to have just guessed well. Either way, something was changing and I had to find a way to stop it. For Kaoru.
IIIII
A/N – Yes, I know, it has been a long time since I've posted, but you can blame it all on college. Life has begun to get crazy again, and I haven't had much time to sit down and write, but I am going to finish this story. I promise. Right now I am going to try and post a new chapter ever week, but as of now I can only promise that this story has an ending and it will end at some point. I hope you all are enjoying it so far. Feedback is awesome so review, review, review!
