A/N: Yep! Finally, I know. I'm sorry. Like I said, busy weeks. It really was! Anyway, I finally found inspiration and time, so here's chappie four. I also wanted to thank everyone; I've had many wonderful reviews. Sorry to keep you all waiting. Thanks for the patience. I also wanted to clear things up in case you were confused in the last chapter. I did the "scenes" out of order. The first one was actually between the middle and end. So that Sadie-calling-Tommy-scene comes after Jude's blackout. Sorry if that confused you. Also, I will be writing a hell of a lot more now that school's out and season four is almost over. LoL! I am going to add Zep, and maybe Milo into the story. Just because we now know them. Since Blu wasn't in the show long, I won't even mention her. But I do want Jamie to have someone. In this chapter I'll refer to her, but Jude has yet to meet her. I'm going to try really hard not to mix up my story with the new events from the new season. LoL! If I do, please play along…lol. Thank you guys, you're awesome…as always! Okay, on with the story…

A Feeling Like This

(Previously)

Before I can delve too deep of those thoughts, however, the door opens. And in walks the last person I ever expected to see.


I shake my head and command that those puppy dog eyes not get to me, before using the anger-technique and lashing out at him.

"What the hell do you think you are doing here?" His concerned look changes by the vocal knives I pierced into him.

"What am…" He trails off and laughs like he can't believe me. "Why are you the one who's upset? You're the one who…"

I laugh coldly. "Who what, Tommy? Who broke your heart? Please! Just admit it, nobody means anything to you. Quit lying and saying that some people do…they can't handle it. I can't handle it. You've done this too many times" – I trail off, and end the sentence in the calmest whisper. "to me."

"Jude. Why would I lie to you? I never have…" – I cut him off, again.

"That's a lie, right there." I'm yelling now, which is probably straining the baby. The baby! Shit…

He uses my pause to start in. He considers yelling, I can see it, but I know he doesn't want to fight. I know him. He lowers his voice down to a serious whisper. "No it isn't, Jude. When have I ever lied to you? And I'll ask again, why are you the one who's upset?"

His eyes read genuine confusion. I hate keeping secrets. That sounds bad after my birthday, but I really do hate secrets, especially ones I can't bear to tell him. I shake my head and force tears from escaping. I can't handle this. I can't. Why did he have to come back? Why? Things would have been so much easier if he'd just stayed gone. He's still waiting for a reply, so I speak as truthfully as I can, without telling him.

"Because…every time you tell me you'll stay, you leave. And before you argue with me, let me just say that yes, I did want to come with you. I was just…scared, terrified that I'd only end up in pieces – again! And I couldn't handle that! I couldn't! So, I chickened out. But you still left. YOU were the one who chose to still leave me behind while I" – I couldn't finish. The tears fell freely now and there wasn't a thing I could do to keep from sobbing out.

I buried my face into my hands and let the shaking dominate my body, until I felt strong arms envelope me. I wanted to resist him so bad, but…I couldn't. I honestly, truthfully could not. My body refused to push him away. It wanted him, needed him, even still. So, I leaned into his embrace, accepting it. It was no question; I did still love him. I just…couldn't, not under these circumstances.

After the tears subsided, he pulled back and pulled my face up to look at him. His eyes were lost deep in mine, full of love and concern. He gently wiped my tears and kissed my forehead, before resting my head against his chest. I couldn't help but wonder why he had come home…now?

"Tommy" – He cut me off, shushing me. "No. This is important." He looked down at my face, which I pulled away from his grasp and pushed his hands away. His expression changed once more…to hurt. "Why…what made you come home? I mean, why now?"

He started, his voice heavy with…grief? "Sadie called me, Jude." He stated is matter-of-factly and I had a sinking feeling she told him for me. However, his next words confirmed why she called. "Jude, she told me you were in the hospital, and I was worried. I…I thought it was really serious. I got here as soon as I could, but I still felt like things were worse than they really were. I just…. I couldn't…. I couldn't lose you." Tears had threatened his own eyes, but he fought them back. I sighed, from both exhaustion and relief. So, she hadn't interfered after all.

"Oh." Was all I could muster, just a breathless oh. I just woke up and I've already had a long, hard day. I needed him to leave. I needed to just go home and rest, without drama and chaos. I also needed to talk to my sister. I demand to know why she was messing up my life. First, my mother and she knew. Now Tommy? Ugh! I was doing fine until she fucked things up.

"I need you to leave, Tommy. I can't… I can't handle this right now. I have some things I need to take care of, and I can't do it right now." He looks at me, a mixture of confusion and anger. He wants me, I can tell. It's not "me being egotistic," it's just the truth.

"Jude, talk to me. What the hell is wrong with you? What?" The look on his face is one of pure perplexity.

I turn my eyes away from his pleading ones, full of shame. "Please. Tommy, just go." I whisper, begging him to comply.

"You will call me." Those are the last words he speaks before leaving the room, and leaving me to my thoughts. All alone. Whether I wanted to, or was even ready to admit it or not, it felt nice having him here. If only for a split-second; I felt I wasn't in this on my own. Until the brutal reality reared it's ugly head and showed me the true loneliness. Yes, I had my friends. But could they really help me the same way Tommy could? Could they really replace him? In the baby's life? In mine?

It's so frustrating, not knowing any answers and always being left in the dark. Maybe I'm being hypocritical, leaving Tommy in the dark about being a father, while I know equally how horrible it feels to be wandering around with no light. Well, until he walked in. It was then that I was tossed a small flashlight and I had a moment's worth of light. It felt…like I truly belonged somewhere…with someone.

What hurt the most was that I was the one to extinguish that light; that hope. What is wrong with me? I crushed the only source of comfort I had.

I throw my body back, letting my head hit the soft, white pillows. I sigh and suppress a groan as I realize what I've done. Why? How could I have been so stupid, so…ignorant?

As if there couldn't have been a more perfect moment, Nurse Chatty waltzes into the room. She notices my distress and, despite the cheeriness, her eyes cloud over with concern. "Honey, are you alright? Do you need anything?" She speaks with a soft, motherly tone. Maybe I should take some notes. I force a smile, and shake my head.

"When do I get to leave?" Those are the only words I allow to this stranger. She smiles softly and tells me that I can start to pack up.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur: packing, signing out, reuniting with family and friends, driving home, Sadie playing mom, and finally I resume my roles around the house. However, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't quite place it; what else could possibly go wrong? I didn't like it; AT ALL! It left the most awful churning of my tummy, and a bitter, yet sweet taste in my mouth. It was a feeling of…I'm not sure. I just felt - knew deep down really - that something was not right.


Ugh! Have you ever felt the after-taste of both regret and denial at the same time. That was the acidic taste I awoke to. Something's not right. I feel my stomach lurch. Morning sickness, but not. I feel nauseous, but like nothing will come. It's entirely physiological. Or maybe it's not. I can't even tell anymore. Maybe I'm losing my mind. What's wrong with me? Is this normal?

Anyways, last night's dream was a bit…scary. Not the typical killer with screaming victims running from multiple tools used to cause torturous pain (and I need to stop) kind of scary. Something that really scares me…as a mother. A mother? Wow, I'm finally accepting it.

It started like a normal – sorta – dream would. It felt so real, and natural...

I was standing with Sadie and Kwest, and I was wearing this printed sundress. As I placed my hand on my stomach, I was noting the large bump I'd acquired. I turned to Sadie and found out that I must have been around seven months along, maybe more. She didn't keep up exactly. But that wasn't the scary part.

We were having some sort of party, or some kind of event. As I scanned the room, hoping to find some sort of clue as to what this event was, I saw a bright pink banner bearing a curly "Congratulations!" across it, and a large table sporting a white and flower cloth with tons of gifts on it. They were all sizes, all bright cheery colors, most pink, and bows on many. The pink should have given it away. When I saw the guests, I recognized most. SME and Karma, Mason, Jamie, Paegan, a girl I had yet to meet who stood with Jamie and Paegan, Sadie, Kwest, my dad, Darius, and other GMajor-ettes. I saw some other acquaintances that I'd met before, but there was only one person who really stood out.

The really weird part was…he was trying to stand out. Now normally, Tommy's the kind of guy who hates these major GMajor events, and if he must come, he hides out. Not today. I found that odd. He was all smiles, and the guests were…what looked like, congratulating him. Suddenly he looked over at me, and our eyes met. His smile widened, and I couldn't help but beam back. He politely excused himself from the small group around him and started to walk…towards me?

My legs started to wobble slightly. Why? Why does he have that effect on me? Suddenly I felt an excruciating pain erupt from my stomach. The baby! That was the only thing on my mind. I doubled over and Tommy ran until he reached me. Sadie, Kwest, and Tommy were the only ones who I really could see; pure panic on each face. I couldn't tell what was happening, but I was not feeling well at all. Was this labor? Or worse?

I vaguely remember blacking out a little, and I thought that I was dreaming. Which was really odd when I really woke up, but like I said before this felt like reality. Anyways, I distinctly remember sitting in the E.R. My dad, Sadie, Kwest, and Tommy were with me. Apparently there were others in the waiting room. I was so confused, and yet, I felt like I was missing something, like I was on autopilot or something. What was going on?

My first thoughts were the baby…my main worry. I quickly moved my hand to my flat stomach, searching for signs that the baby was – wait, flat? Everything else went blurry after that; I was thrashing around screaming, desperately searching for answers. Where was my baby? With tear-filled eyes, Sadie tried to calmly explain, once I'd settled down.

"Jude…there's something that…" She was cut short however by the overwhelming tears. I knew, deep down I really did. I could not, would not, allow myself to accept that though. The barriers I'd set up in my mind forbade any thoughts anywhere close to that. I refused to let them be torn down, so I continued blankly staring at everyone. I couldn't believe it, but Tommy was the one to stand up when Sadie fell into my father's arms, tears on his own face.

He opened his mouth to speak, but I could barely hear him. His voice was hoarse with a deep sorrow, one I'd never thought I'd hear come from him. I had to strain to hear him, but I heard it. And it slowly ripped my heart apart, piece by piece by piece. "Our…baby…is…gone."

I looked into his sorrow-filled eyes, now a dangerously dark blue, and felt myself shake my head. Having those barriers, I refused to believe any of it. It was all a lie, some sick joke everyone had concocted. A sick, sick joke.

"What's wrong with you? All of you? How can you be so cruel, so heartless to…" My voice faded however, when I felt my chest compress, the barriers in my mind crashing down, and those cruel words finally seeped into my mind, revealing the truth. Shaking my head, (or was it my entire body itself?) I felt Tommy's arms wrap around me. Keeping me still and trying without much success to console me. He must have held me for a few hours, the two of us crying into each other's necks. We'd lost our baby. And I was not even close to being ready to accept it.


I woke up, more tired and exhausted than when I fell asleep. After crying and telling myself repeatedly that it was only a bad dream, I finally got up. I walked into the bathroom, lifted up my shirt, and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Placing my hand, I gently caressed my unborn child. My stomach was getting quite the little bump to it, seeing as I'm now twelve and a half weeks pregnant; over a quarter of the way there. I feel like it's all moving too quickly, yet too slowly. It's weird.

I let my shirt fall and cover my bump once more, before heading downstairs. Sadie's been beyond health-freak ever since I told her I was pregnant. So lately, she's been preparing special meals for me. I reach the bottom of the staircase and I hear urgent whispering. I definitely hear my sister's hushed voice, and Kwest's. But they don't seem to be the only ones. Hiding behind the stair's handrail, I lower myself to the floor, and yes, eavesdrop.

They're whispering about me, but to who? And what about?

"I'm worried about her…you need to help her." Sadie's whispers sound almost pleading.

"Sadie, just relax. She's done fine this far..." Kwest is cut off by…oh no. God! I swear I'll kill him. I know that voice anywhere; at any level, loud or soft.

"Look, something did seem different with Jude back at the hospital, but she's insistent on keeping me out of it."

Sadie starts up again, "Tommy, no matter what, you belong in this. But it's not my place to…"

"Sadie, please? If I need to know so bad, then just tell me. I don't have to react in a way that Jude'll know…" He shot at her, pleading with her. At least he's worried. That must show that he still cares somewhat. Right?

I can't take this. The shirt I'm wearing does allow one to see the small bulge. I straighten it out, making it somewhat more obvious. Sadie's right. He does deserve to at least know. It's his baby, too. I stand up and muster as much courage as I can, before finishing the last few steps and walking into the living room. The small group in front of me avert their eyes to me. Sadie and Kwest offer a 'good morning', which I return not so cheerfully. I want her to know that she was wrong in inviting Quincy over, without any warning.

I turn to look at the man I've loved for three years. His face is drained of color and his eyes are glued to the bump. Sadie and Kwest look from him to my bump, before focusing on my eyes, theirs filled with questions. They're thinking 'why are you doing this?' but I have to. It's the only way for me at this time. I can't say the words to him, I just can't.

"Hi Tommy." I finally speak, my voice sounding stronger than I expected it to, which I was thankful for. I swear I saw a tear or two before he forced a smile and said his own good mornings to me. Sadie and Kwest quietly excused themselves from the room, knowing we needed to talk. I sat down on the couch opposite from him, taking deep breaths and readying myself for the most painful talk I'll ever experience in my life.

He finally looked back up at me, looking into my eyes, tears in his own, and opened his mouth to speak. I felt one single tear slide down my own cheek. I'd hurt him, in more ways than one now. Why? I loved him, still do, and yet I hurt him. Maybe he really did – does? – love me too. He hurt me so much. Maybe that's what love really is.

"Why did you…." He was choking on his own tears. "How could you not tell me?" He finally spoke the words. I shook my head, and let more tears fall. My body ached for him to hold me, to rock me in his arms, to hold me close and whisper that he loved me, he was here for me, and he wouldn't leave me alone, something. I needed him. I really did. I couldn't even look at him. I let the sobs shake my entire body, breaking down. At one point I could no longer feel his eyes on me. And my longings became reality. He took me in his arms, held me so close as I curled up against his chest. He rocked us gently, whispering sweet nothings.

"I'm so sorry." I uttered in between the sobs. He only held me closer – if possible.

"Me too, Jude. Me too." I let myself cry until there were no tears left.

"Don't leave me. Stay…please. I…." I wasn't sure if I should say it and the fear of rejection gnawed at me immensely. But I took a deep breath and dove into those treacherous waters. "I love you." I sobbed.

I felt him stop and pull away from me. I knew it was coming. I knew he wouldn't still love me; not after all the pain I'd caused him. I felt my chest tighten and my throat constrict. More tears burned at the back of my eyes. He pulled my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eyes. In his, I saw something I didn't expect. He was searching my own eyes for…sincerity. He didn't believe me?

He probed my eyes with his own for a moment longer and just before I pulled out of his grasp, his lips descended onto mine. And I didn't stop him. I deepened the kiss, pouring in as much passion as I could. When he finally pulled away for air, he rested his forehead against mine and, with a breaking voice from tears, whispered, "I thought I'd never hear you say that again. I love you, too."

And suddenly, everything seemed to be right in the world. He did still love me. I had him with me. And he knew about the baby; my baby; our baby. My heart flittered with the bliss I was feeling. I'd waited all my life to feel this happy; this high-on-life. And it only comes a few precious moments. I can't even begin to express the love I feel for Tommy and for our child.

Everything was going to be just fine…I could feel it.


A/N: Thanks again everyone. Sorry for the freaking long-ass delay. I still am working on it. Since it's summer and I'm away from home, visiting, I'll have lots of more time to write - err, type. So, reviews people. LoL! Thanks again so much for the patience and I'm sooooo sorry for the delay.

You guys rock!

Much love,

XoXo,

LeeCee