I do apologise for the long wait, I have no excuses I just forgot to update. See, I have a bit more already written yer somehow I forgot about this completely. I will make a serious effort to update at least regularly. This story is taking a really interesting shape and it's headed in all sorts of interesting ways (you'll have to trust me on that), so yeep. Stick around and I promise to try and remember to actually post the chapters besides writing them.
Derek felt his pulse quicken dangerously. Worry, anger, pain were all pushing their way in him, generating a mess of emotions he wasn't ready for tonight. He was never ready for that, but after the past few months he just wanted to catch a break. He was blaming himself. He'd seen the signs, there had been a time Amelia would sit in their living room sofa at night staring out the large window in front of it, she would sit there for hours and he wasn't as far into his medical education as he would have needed to know what that was. Logic and common sense had not served him at all. His mother had no idea what was wrong with her, all the other Shepherds were too busy with their lives to care, they were all blinded by jealousy of mom's favourites, the golden child and the baby, to actually care. It had been so hard that when Addison called two years ago to tell him about Amelia relapsing he had been relieved she was there. The fact that she got along so well with Addison had always been cause for even more friction between the two, so much that she was the one keeping the two siblings together. He called, more times than necessary, judging from Meredith's face when he was on the phone with his ex wife, but he had this inexplicable need to make sure she was alright, while keeping his distance. Loving Amelia from afar was something he'd become masterful at in the past decade.
He wanted to run and throw the bottle at Meredith's face showing her he was right. The grown up in him, the mature, composed, adult in him refrained from even pulling the bottle out of the locker, he just grabbed the jacket and headed back into the lobby. Meredith had been blind to it, even with Richard. When he found her she was standing exactly where he left her, still waiting for Amelia to show up with the kids. The second she saw him she knew something was wrong. Derek took a big, big breath and tried to calm down before opening his mouth. "There was a bottle in her locker." Meredith nodded, signalling him to continue, she hadn't quite caught his drift. "Rum."
"So?"
Derek sighed exasperatedly. "So, it was half empty."
Meredith's eyes grew as big as her skull allowed and finally caught on to where Derek was heading. "You think she's drinking?" she knew drunk. Hell, she'd spent the better part of her twenties drunk somewhere in Europe, she knew drunk very well and Amelia wasn't drunk. Today. Amelia hadn't been drunk today for sure. "Derek you can't jump to conclusions like that-" The look he gave her, though, told her there was no more hiding and no more protecting to be done on her side.
"I don't know why she keeps doing this." he was shaking his head, holding on Amelia's jacket for dear life. Meredith saw the devastation on his face and just went over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, unsure of just how much he wanted to be comforted, this Derek was new to her. "We tried everything and she keeps falling back down."
Meredith nodded. It hurt her physically to see her husband in so much pain. She was sad and disappointed in Amelia and still half convinced they should talk before making such assumptions, but decided this wasn't the moment to say anything about that. Amelia had looked her in the eyes and told her she wouldn't let herself go to addiction ever again. Obviously, addiction was a disease and Meredith knew that well enough, but she was there when she told her about her baby and about her fiancée dying and there was something in the way she said it that made her believe every single word Amelia had said. "I'm so sorry." He just leaned into her touch, but didn't reach out, both his hands gripping the leather jacket.
Before either of them had any more time to process whatever this was, they heard Bailey calling for them and turned to see Amelia holding him, Zola walking right behind her. she looked as normal as she'd looked earlier today, but Meredith felt uneasy seeing her holding her baby knowing she might be relapsing, even if that was Derek's fear and not her own. The heaviness in his chest and the pain in his eyes had made it her worry as well.
"Sorry, I know we're late, but someone fell and needed to put on a special band aid." Zola was rolling her eyes clearly annoyed at her brother, however this prompted no reaction in either parent, they could see the giant alien band aid on Bailey's knee, knowing that since he discovered them he'd been sticking them everywhere. Noticing the look in their eyes Amelia's smile faded and her brows furrowed growing worried herself. "Did something happen?"
Meredith looked at Derek who nodded, tilting his head a little toward the door. "I'll just take the kids to the car." She offered, taking Bailey from Amelia and motioning for Zola to follow her outside.
Amelia looked at the scene dumfounded. Meredith had come to see her today and now she was acting as if she was the last person she wanted to see. No, there was more than that. The look on her face wasn't angry or annoyed, it was pity. She turned to her brother, who was holding her jacket so tight in his hands he looked just about ready to rip it apart in a matter of seconds, she reached to take it from him, but he gave no sign of wanting to give it to her. "Derek, what's going on?"
Derek looked up at her. Amelia knew that look, she knew that look all too well. "Why, Amy, why?"
"Why what?" she asked, careful to keep her voice levelled and emotionless, because she had a hunch where this was going and she had no intention of airing her dirty laundry in the hall of the hospital.
He shook his head, but looked away, down at his feet. "What's wrong this time? Is it the pressure of the job? Is it me? Is it Owen? I'm going out of my mind trying to understand-"
"Understand what?" she was getting agitated. She was more than aware of the fact that she hadn't been home in days and days, but she wasn't hiding, Meredith found her and she was sure if he'd tried to he would have too.
Derek's eyes connected to hers, there was exasperation and disappointment written all over them, while she knew the look and got that look too many times to count, she had no idea what she had done to deserve it now. "I found the bottle."
"What bottle?"
Derek narrowed his eyes angrily, now he was angry. She didn't even have the decency to spare him all the lies this time around. The tone of her voice was so fake and clueless he could read right through her. "The one in your locker."
Amelia frowned, genuinely confused, not that Derek would notice. This attack was not what she had expected when she walked into the lobby, she was still a little bit excited about having dinner with people and not chairs and brain scans. She had no idea what in the world Derek was talking about – unless. She knew what bottle it was. A patient had given her a bottle, she wasn't supposed to accept gifts, but he insisted and in the end she's just left it in her locker. Ironically, it made her feel all the more comfortable and confident to have it there, to have it and to actively make the choice, every time she opened her locker, not to open it and drink it. Thinking about it like this made it sound so stupid and risky, but to her it made a lot of sense. She had completely forgotten it was there, she'd taken it out for Arizona one night, while discussing Herman's tumour they digressed and started sharing all those moments they had seen each other around Hopkins and talked for hours. After that, months ago, it had just sat there untouched, if she had to guess it was buried in a bunch of stuff that was just there as forgotten as the bottle.
Amelia felt a smile form on her face, she should get mad at Derek for jumping at the worst conclusion possible right away, without even talking to her. Instead, she was amused at the whole thing, she wanted to reassure him, short of telling him about her baby, she was ready to say anything to make sure he'd sleep well tonight. Unfortunately, he beat her to it.
"You just don't get it, do you?" his voice was higher than before and higher for normal conversation, even an angry one, she was sure it could be heard perfectly well from Owen's office. He was turning red in the face and the vein on his forehead looked like it was about to burst. "You can't keep pushing people away. You're done, it's just me and I won't let you hurt my family, Amy, I won't let you ruin them too-"
The smile on her face faded as the words left his mouth. He wasn't scolding her, he wasn't being the condescending older brother, he was attacking her and kicking her out and yelling at her in the hospital, there for anyone to hear. Amelia tried to stop him, but he just kept going. His voice was now lower, but so harsh it felt like a knife cutting through her.
"-you're a surgeon. You have responsibilities, you're a grown up, for once in your life act like it, because you don't have any more chances." He shook his head vehemently. He was so angry, so angry he couldn't even look at her. "You should be thinking about your career and starting a family, but you ran from your engagement because you couldn't handle that, let alone having children." If he'd looked up he would have seen the tears streaming down her face. She was just standing in front of him, bawling her eyes out, frozen in space. "And this job – you have this job thanks to me, there is no way you'd be here on your own, so try not to waste it, because an opportunity like this won't come again. If you weren't my sister you wouldn't be here, heading an entire department not even five years out of your residency."
Amelia was in a daze. Her brother was telling her all those things and she was willing herself so hard to believe were lies that she didn't even know what to believe anymore. He was deliberately hurting her and he was doing it out in public and judging from the look in his eyes this had not been his intention, but that didn't make it any less painful right now. She felt a tug at her chest when he mentioned James and children and wanted to scream at him that he didn't know a thing about that, but then she would actually have to explain and that was the last thing she wanted right now. So she just stood there taking it all in, she was good at that, letting the pain wash over. Derek was the one supposed to love her and protect her and he was hurting her so much she was literally frozen right in front of him. Thankfully, she had stopped listening and she didn't notice when he stopped talking.
Richard had stepped in front of Amelia, telling Derek calmly that this wasn't the place for this and, whatever this was, for today it was over. When Derek insisted, at first, he took out his chief voice, standing a few inches taller than him, and that seemed to be enough for him to toss Amelia's jacket at him and, without looking at her, headed out to meet Meredith and the kids. Immediately, he turned to Amelia not knowing what to say or what to do. She was staring up at him with big, blue, watery eyes and for a moment she didn't look like one of his colleagues, she looked like a little child, scared and hurt. He knew first hand the kind of vulnerability that comes with a disease like addiction and he knew Derek well enough to know about their father and he had heard rumours about Amelia's past, while rumours are just that and not a reliable source of information there is always a little bit of truth in them. He sighed internally, he was all ready to leave and have a really nice dinner and then call Catherine. Richard wrapped an arm around Amelia's shoulders, slowly and cautiously, ready to pull away at her smallest indication. Contrary to his expectations she let him and she turned her head into his shoulder, hiding the tears from all the people that had gathered around.
"Don't you all have anything else to do?" all the crowd that had formed around dissolved just as quickly as it had come, leaving their surroundings slowly easing back in the motion of the comings and goings of everyone around. He rubbed her shoulder with his thumb, trying to get her attention again. "Do you want to go sit down?"
Amelia just nodded and let him walk with her to the attending's lounge, sitting down on the sofa. Her head fell in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees and she just sat there for a good few minutes without moving an inch. He could tell from her irregular breathing that she was trying incredibly hard to pull herself together.
"Amelia," he called her, he didn't care if she cried, he needed to make sure she was okay. What Derek had just done was horrible, but in a way completely understandable. He'd hated him, hated him with a passion when he'd taken over as interim chief, only afterward he'd been able that in a misguided way his intentions had been – yes, selfish – but with the ultimate goal of making him better and preserving his licence to practise medicine. "Can you look at me, please?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned around to face him. They looked into each other's eyes and felt a kind of kinship that was so familiar and comforting, the unwavering support in Richard's eyes made her feel protected enough to open up. "I didn't drink." She said, careful to observe his reaction to see if she could trust him. "I haven't had a drop in years, I've been sober for so long." She saw the understanding look on his face, it was different from the usual look of understanding that other people had, even the ones who tried really hard, it was never quite the same. It reminded her of the way Charlotte used to look at her when she got out of rehab. Amelia turned back to stare down at her hands on her knees. "Why doesn't he trust me? I mean, it's not like he doesn't have reasons not to, but keeping me here, letting me babysit, giving me his job – I just thought he had finally started to see me as the person I am now and not his five year old sister."
"I'm sorry." He put his hand on her knee. "You know he didn't mean that, do you?" Amelia gave him a look that bordered sceptic right into scornful. "He is scared and he's angry, but he is not angry at you. He is angry at himself. I know it's hard for you to believe that, but he is scared for you and he doesn't want to be and having you here makes him feel a lot better, but the feeling never really goes away. It's not about trust, it's about how little control he has over you and your addiction."
Amelia shook her head, she hated to have to admit it, but he was making a lot of sense right now, so much sense she was considering calling Meredith tomorrow. Derek attacked her, told her things that were not justifiable even if she was actually doing drugs again. "He's always seen me as a failure, nothing I can do to change that, but he had no right to say any of those things and not in front of all those strangers."
"You're right." He had no idea what things were those, he'd heard the whole thing, but it was still a mystery to him. "I shouldn't be the one to tell you your brother gets mean when he's angry, says a lot of things that he knows will hurt you. What I'm saying is, he only does that because he's scared, he doesn't mean them-"
"Don't I get to be scared? Don't I get to – why can't he just cut me some slack for once?" she wiped her tears hastily and pulled the sleeves of her sweater up her wrists, up until her hands were balled in the dark, soft material. "I graduated first of my class at Harvard. Went to Johns Hopkins. I was the best at what I did, but I never got any credit, from him or my mother, I am the fifth doctor in the family, by the time I graduated, she was bored of seeing the ceremony. I felt like I finally had my life all together, kind of, but… he doesn't get to be scared. He doesn't get to be mean."
Richard grabbed her hands, forcing her to look up at him. "This is probably just exhaustion talking. Give him a few days, he'll come around. He will apologise and you will let him, alright?"
Amelia nodded, she wasn't too crazy about this plan, she'd like nothing more than to just scream back at him and hide somewhere forever and – no, she couldn't do that. She couldn't let herself feel, because if she did all the work she had done in the past few years would be for nothing, she'd be destroying all that she built. Avoidance and denial. "I'm glad you're here, Richard, and I'm endlessly thankful you stepped in, but I'm sure you have somewhere nice to be in even better company, so you should go."
He looked at her for signs that she was trying to ask him the exact opposite – women – but when he came up empty he let go of her hands and stood, guarding her face to look for any signs that her facial expression changed. And then he got it. "Where are you staying now?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're obviously not going back to Derek and Meredith's house, so where are you staying? With Hunt?" he raised his eyebrows like a scolding father with his rebellious teenage daughter.
Amelia looked at him bewildered and somewhat embarrassed. "What? No, why would you even think that?" the look he gave her, though, told her not only that there was no reason to play dumb, but that he didn't care who she was sleeping with, rather if she had a place to stay. "No, I'm not staying with him. I'll just figure something out." She couldn't tell him she had been sleeping all week at the hospital anyway.
"Well, I have a room." he stared at her and she knew exactly what he was doing, he wasn't offering her the room, nor telling her she should go with him. Damn, he was good. Either that or he knew exactly the way she was feeling right now and was supporting her in the way she needed instead of offering to go to a meeting.
Amelia smiled at him. He made her feel protected and safe and comfortable, all feelings she kept her distance from, all it took was to let herself go and rely on other people and she'd be back to rehab in a second. She couldn't let her guard down. "Thank you, but I can't. Really, I'll find a hotel or something."
"No, you won't." she turned, she wasn't in the mood to keep playing this game of back and forth until one of them caved. The warm smile on his face made all the arguing she had in her dissolve in a matter of seconds. "You can't keep sleeping here, take it from someone wo has done it for longer that is acceptable. Just tonight. Do it for me."
Amelia tilted her head pondering her options. Going home with Richard sounded so tempting, but all the while it meant she had someone checking up on her all the time. She appreciated the thought and effort and the fatherly vibe she got off him, but she'd much prefer to spend the night here at the hospital, either getting herself in surgery or sleeping or solving medical mysteries, anything but human contact.
"Come on, let's go." He said and motioned for her to stand and handed her the jacket. "I can't promise dinner, but the bed's made."
Amelia smiled and felt tears form in her eyes when he helped her put the jacket on. "You don't have to do this, you know. I know I'm a mess, but I don't have to be your mess."
He shook his head and headed out of the room, Amelia following close behind. "I want to, trust me, I wouldn't otherwise. There are many people that will feel better knowing you're with me and not living in an on call room. I can understand you might want privacy and you might want everyone off your back, but they worry because they care, all of them."
"Will you introduce me someday, to all these people?" Amelia joked sadly, she had Meredith and Derek and maybe Owen still cared even after what she did, but there was no one else here that would lose any sleep not knowing where she was at night. He just chuckled and led her outside.
p.s. I have reopened my ask box on tumblr (indigowaterbears) for prompts and, even if I already have more than I will ever write, if you have anything you want to send me, or perhaps if you want to badger me into updating, just head over there.
Let me know what you thin about this :)
