What? I haven't died? Nope. And I didn't forget about you either. Every Monday my reminder to upload would pop up and I'd be ridden with guilt. I had a really hard time with this chapter, even though it and 3 more are already written, but when I went back to read it I didn't like the way it was written, and then I rewrote it and still didn't like it, but I think I'm finally at least content with it.
Warning: this chapter contains some really emotional and difficult stuff as it goes into Romano's miscarriage. I tried to handle it as honestly and delicately as possible while still staying true to the experiences I've collected from my research. There's a double space where it begins and ends so feel free to skip over if you're not comfortable reading that.
Next chapter will post on Monday as usual.
Chapter Seven
Romano and Spain decided they would stay for the first few months of Prussia's pregnancy, helping the two to adjust to the changes and reassure Canada. However, in the last couple of months, they tended to come and go as work called them away. Canada appreciated the support, and Romano assured the blonde that they'd be back often, and would spend the first few months after Prussia gave birth to help with the baby.
After a few more weeks had passed by, Prussia was no longer feeling as ill, and would only sometimes lose his appetite. More and more, though he was instead demanding Canada put together an unusual combination of foods to eat, including maple-infused kraut on pancakes, which made Canada gag even as he made it for his lover. At night, Prussia would wake Canada up frequently with trips to the bathroom as his bladder seemed to have decreased significantly in size.
One morning, while eating breakfast, Canada decided it was time to breach a topic they'd been avoiding for weeks.
"So, who are we going to tell?" Canada asked. Prussia, inhaling his kra ut cakes, didn't even look up. Instead, he made a sound of uncertainty which was highly muffled due to the amount of starchy food crammed into his mouth.
"Do you want to tell Germany?" Canada asked. "I mean, he is your brother, after all, maybe he'd be able to help us out, too."
"West won't understand," Prussia said after swallowing. "You saw him when he found out about our relationship. He doesn't see anything past political convenience. He won't understand why I would keep this baby."
Prussia ran a hand over the slight lump below his belly button where his baby lay. Canada nodded and Prussia noticed him scratch a pencil across paper. Suddenly it occurred to Prussia that his lover had a list of countries they may want to tell.
"Okay, well what about France? He's your best friend, and my papa, I'm sure he'd want to know."
"Yeah, definitely have to tell Francis, especially since Tonio knows."
Canada nodded and made a little checking motion on his notepad. They went through more people and narrowed the list down to people who would be immediately impacted: France, England, America, and Germany (despite Prussia's protests). Canada would also have to tell his boss at some point.
"So…we should probably start making calls, eh?" Canada said, organising his list. Prussia shook his head and looked frantic for half a second.
"No!" he exclaimed despite himself. After taking a moment to collect himself, he continued. "Not yet. We should give it…some more time. I don't want to get people's hopes up."
"Get people's…what are you talking about?" Canada asked, looking with concern at Prussia. The red eyes stared at the table, not wanting to meet amethyst ones.
"N-nothing. I just think we should wait." In the time since Romano and Spain had returned home, Prussia had felt an increasing bond with the baby he was growing, and every time something happened, like he tripped or felt a discomfort in his abdomen, he was filled with a dread that he would lose it, just as Romano had. Although he didn't say anything to Canada (he knew that Canada would panic more than he was), the fear that spread through him was crippling and made him want to do nothing but lie in bed and be safe.
"Okay," Canada said finally, tucking the notepad into his back pocket. "If that's what you want then I'm totally okay with that." Prussia nodded and shrunk in on himself a little. Canada got up from the dining chair to return to the kitchen to clean up. When Prussia had eaten his fill, he got up and started to head upstairs, telling Canada that he was feeling warn-out and wanted to lie down by himself for a while. Instead of going to sleep, though, he pulled out his cell phone and dialled South Italy.
"Romano speaking," the voice said after a few ringtones had rung through the receiver.
"Hey, um…it's uh, Prussia—er, Gilbert," Prussia muttered softly, uncomfortably. He couldn't believe he was really doing this.
"Gilbert? Hey, is everything okay?"
"Um…yeah I think," Prussia replied. "I was…I was wondering if I could ask you about your…your miscarriage," he finally explained. "I've been really, uh…scared I guess, that it'll happen to me too." After a moment of pause, Prussia added, "If you don't want to that's fine too. I get it, it's kind of a sensitive topic."
"No, it's okay," Romano said. "Just…let me move to my office, okay?"
The line was replaced with the sounds of muttering further away from the receiver and a door and lock being shut. When Romano's voice returned, there was no background noise.
"Does Mattie know you're worried about this?" Romano asked, but he already knew the answer before Prussia had a chance to speak.
"No," Prussia replied anyway. Silently, Romano nodded and leant over on his desk.
"Okay well if you think it'll help, I'll tell you, but just keep in mind no one knows except bastard Spain and only because he was there, so I'm not used to telling the story out loud."
Prussia made a noise of acknowledgement, urging Romano to continue. A long deep breath carried across the line and Romano began his story.
Somehow, Romano had managed to keep his pregnancy a secret from everyone, even his own brother. Since Veneziano was the primary correspondent for the country of Italy, Romano didn't have many responsibilities he had to attend to besides his work in the mafia, which he could fairly easily complete from home. Spain was away on a business trip, leaving Romano alone in the big Spanish house with half a dozen tubs of ice cream in the fridge for him to enjoy. He already had a significant bump which he now struggled to cover with baggy clothing, and the back pain and muscle aches had started and he wanted nothing more than to lie down and watch sitcoms on TV. He was able to understand Spanish fluently from growing up in the country, so he could enjoy Spanish daytime TV even without the subtitles. Despite this, Spain and Romano preferred to speak English to each other, if only because they were equally matched in the non-native tongue.
Through the day, while Romano enjoyed a quart of chocolate ripple ice cream, he started to feel cramping discomfort in his abdomen. For a while, he didn't think much of it. In fact, he went to bed with a warm therapeutic bag resting against his back. However, around midnight, Romano awoke as the pain had escalated a hundred-fold and now left him moaning in his too-big bed. He did his best to breathe through the pain like he had read, but even having no real knowledge of the pregnancy experience, Romano knew that something wasn't right.
When Romano suddenly felt like he needed to use the bathroom, he leapt out of bed and ran to the master bath. As he used the toilet, something felt very, very wrong. His stomach was cramping more than ever before. His legs felt weak as he tried to hold back tears of fear. Many thoughts were rushing through his head; Had he done something to make himself sick? Was he going to be okay? Was the baby?
Romano shuddered and suddenly felt like he was…empty. It wasn't the way you feel empty when you get the stomach flu and vomit until there's nothing left. It was like…some part of him had just…disappeared. It was unnerving and suddenly Romano felt a lump in his throat and a burning in his eyes. Unable to contain himself, he sobbed harder than he ever had. He was afraid and alone and he didn't know what to do, and all of that fear just seemed to come out in cries that almost reached the level of screams.
When Spain finally arrived home, it was early morning. The sun hadn't fully come over the horizon yet. He had taken the quickest flight out of Mexico, unable to stay away from his Lovi for too long. When he entered the house, the first thing he saw was the empty abandoned pint of ice cream. He smiled, thinking of his lover's unappeasable appetite, especially for sweets. He shucked his coat on the back of the couch and left his luggage in the hall. As he neared his bedroom, he could hear whimpering coming from inside. In a heartbeat, Spain took off running toward the bedroom, then followed the noises into the bathroom where he stopped dead in the doorway. Romano was still sitting on the toilet, his head in his hands and tears still dripping down his arms and legs. Spain knelt on the floor in front of Romano and held his arms, trying to look into his eyes.
"Romano? What's wrong? What happened?" he asked. As he did, the sharp metallic smell of blood stung his nose and he began to panic even more. He began checking Romano over for cuts or other wounds. "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? I knew I shouldn't have left you alone."
Romano shook his head and pushed Spain's hands away feebly. He opened his mouth to talk, but instead just started crying hoarsely again. Spain held Romano as tightly as the awkward position would allow and gently kissed his head.
"Querido, what's happened? Talk to me, querido."
Romano hiccupped and finally made eye contact with Spain. "She's gone," he whimpered.
"What do you mean? Who's gone?" Spain wondered, thinking of a relative or old friend. He hadn't heard of any nation fading while he was away, usually that was really big news. When Romano cast his eyes downward though, Spain felt his heart drop into his stomach. She…she was the baby. Romano had always thought he was carrying a girl. The baby was gone.
At Spain's expression, Romano started to wail again, a string of apologies spilling from him in a variety of languages. Spain firmly grabbed Romano's face in his hands, forcing the younger nation to make eye contact with him.
"Romano, don't you dare apologize to me, or to anyone," he said. "This is not your fault."
Romano sniffled. "I didn't take care of her well enough. I'm not a good mamma."
"Querido, you were an amazing mother. You just never got your chance," Spain insisted. "Sometimes, things aren't working right and mother nature takes control. She knows what's best for both of you."
Cleaning Romano off with a damp cloth, Spain filled the bathtub with warm water and helped Romano in, sliding in behind him. He let Romano sit between his legs and kissed his shoulders and neck, gently running his hand through his lover's hair. Romano tried not to let Spain know, but he couldn't stop the quiet tears from rolling down his face. Spain held him tight, unsure what to do besides try to make his lover feel safe and accepted in this difficult time.
"Roma, it's okay. I love you so much," Spain said. "Our baby is safe al cielo."
Now even Spain was sheading some tears. They stayed in the tub long after the water had turned cold. For a few days, Romano wandered the house almost like a zombie. He didn't speak to Spain and was only in Spain's presence when he ate a few bites of the meals Spain made before disappearing. After four days, and endless hours on the internet researching miscarriage and grief management, Spain found Romano lying on the bed with his eyes closed.
"Lovi? I have something I want to show you," he said. Romano opened his eyes and turned to look at Spain. The pain in his eyes sent a twinge of pain through Spain's heart. He helped Romano out of the bed and led him down to the back yard, where their garden grew. At the back of the garden there was a tree which Romano had planted during his time as Spain's ward and was now fully grown. Next to the tree, there was now several flowers planted into the ground around a rock. Engraved on the rock were the words, Mai nelle mie braccia, sempre nel mio cuore: Never in my arms, always in my heart. Romano stood before it, his lower lip quivering, before he wrapped his arms around Spain's chest, fisting his hands into the back of the Spaniard's shirt and burying his face in his chest.
"Thank you," he mumbled into the shirt. "Ti amo."
"Te amo mucho, Lovi."
"…so don't worry about it," Romano said. "If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen, there's nothing you can do about it."
Prussia nodded, holding the phone to his ear. He chalked up the feeling of burning in his eyes to the hormones the pregnancy was inflicting on him. He offered his appreciation to Romano for confiding in him and for reassuring him not to worry before letting him get back to work. Just as he was ending the call, Canada peered into the room, seeing Prussia lying in bed staring at the ceiling, his brow trembling.
"Hey, you're not asleep," Canada pointed out. When Prussia didn't say anything, Canada walked closer and sat down on the bed. He could see that Prussia was trying hard to keep the sides of his mouth from pulling down to the point that his jaw was quivering, and he could see the shimmer of tears pooling at the corners of Prussia's eyes.
"Hey, is everything okay?" Canada asked gently, brushing the silver bangs from Prussia's forehead. Prussia's lips trembled and he shook his head no as the first tears spilt from his eyes. Canada panicked for a moment, not sure what to do, but Prussia helped him decide by nuzzling his face into Canada's lap. Canada held his head and stroked his hair comfortingly.
"Shh, Gil, everything's okay," he crooned, unsure what else to do. "I'm right here. Everything's okay."
Prussia shook with silent sobs and Canada held him tight. After a few moments, he ventured to ask, "Do you wanna talk about it?" to which Prussia replied by shaking his head no. Canada laid down in the bed and held Prussia to his shoulder, rubbing his back and saying any soothing thing he could think of until Prussia finally fell asleep.
