ALLY:
Carrie smiled.
"So, what are you two little kittens going to do on your little date?"
I smiled.
"We're going to go to Wendy's and watch netflix at his house."
Carrie jumped up and did a move like London Tipton from The Suite Life (without her yay me trademark).
"Ooh. You guys are going to have so much fun."
Trish piped in.
"Ally, you might want to bring condoms."
"Trish! We just asked me out and he wants to hang out with me! We're probably not even going to go that far."
She put her hands up in a sorry gesture.
"I'm just saying, maybe he could be fooling you into drinking or getting high with him and then when you wake up in his bed, you'll see all your clothes on the floor and there's a good chance you won't find a condom in your vagina. I know because it happened to me last year after I went to a bar with Josh Kirkland."
Piper looked like she was about to be sick.
"Trish! That's so nasty!"
Trish said snarkily,
"Well, after that I was grounded for two weeks. Does that make you feel better?"
I laugh sarcastically.
"Yeah, Austin totally seems like the kind of person who would be doing illegal substances. He has asthma and life-threatening allergies. If he did marijuana, cocaine, heroin or any other kind of drug, or if he OD'd on booze, he would probably die."
Carrie sighed.
"Poor baby."
"Yeah. He says he thinks that it was because he was born five weeks early and wasn't thriving until two months and when he first started walking, he was diagnosed."
Piper smiled nervously.
"OK, let's euthanize this conversation about fatal illnesses."
I said,
"Good idea."
After I hung up with my girls on Skype, I told my mom, who was still on the couch under a blanket, with a glass of wine, this time she was watching The Girl with the dragon tattoo. I had to read it over the summer as required summer reading. It was actually a good book. Everyone knows that most of the time, the book is better than the movie, unless it was Fifty shades of Grey.
I mean, I loved to read, but Fifty shades of Grey was the worst book I'd ever read. Hands down. It was porn that you read. I saw it with Trish, Piper and Carrie just so we could see how horrible it was because we had heard all the awful things people were saying about it. It was terrible, not just because it was unoriginal, but because there was so much naked body parts and sex, it was scarier than any horror movie I had ever seen.
I had nothing against Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan themselves. They were very talented. But Dornan's character Christian Grey was a womanizing douchebag. If I could describe him, it would most certainly be more aggressive and very intimidating versions of Joey Tribbiani on Friends or Barney Stinson on How I met your mother or Mr. Big who was friends with benefits and an on/off boyfriend to Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the city. And I don't know why Anastasia was so passive- if a guy sexually assaults you so much that you start crying, just stay the hell away from him or get a restraining order.
She paused the film.
"What is it, honey?"
"Austin… just asked me out!"
"That's so great, honey! What are you guys going to do on your date?"
I decide to kid with her a little bit.
"We're going to rob a bank and do graffiti on the Saint Jude catholic church."
"Honey, don't do that. That'll get you in jail."
I laughed.
"Mom, I'm just joking! Graffiti and stealing are for idiots."
My mother sighed in relief.
"No shit, Ally. You scared the hell out of me there! What are you two really going to do on your date?"
I smiled.
"We're going to Wendy's and we're going to watch netflix."
My mom said,
"That sounds like fun."
I say.
"I know. I'm not expecting some fancy thousand dollar dinner. I'm expecting sweet, getting-to-know-you time."
"Sweetie, I really like how you know what you want."
"Well, I impress boys by just being myself. Not by acting like a slut or a rich girl."
I walked to bed because it was ten thirty and I felt tired. I got undressed into my pajamas and tied my hair into a ponytail and smiled in spite of my date tomorrow. In the morning, I got up and showered and decided to dress in a very nice, yet low key outfit. I just threw on a white cardigan sweater, a navy spaghetti strap crop top with daisies and I layered a navy tank top underneath, medium wash skinny jeans, white ballet flats, gold bangles and a gold flower pendant, and I wore my hair loose and I was doing my makeup when I heard the doorbell buzz.
I could hear my mom say,
"Hi, you must be Austin. I'm Penny, Ally's mom."
I overheard Austin say,
"It's nice to meet you."
I called,
"I'll be right there, Austin!"
I rushed downstairs. Austin was at the door, dressed very adorably in a green hoodie, a white v-neck shirt, dark wash ripped jeans, white converse, a silver necklace, leather bracelets, and a silver chain bracelet, and his blonde, sexy, edgy-version-of-Justin- Bieber-combover haircut was all cute and messy, and he was carrying a bouquet of lilies. I figured they were for me, but I didn't want to sound too expectant, so I asked,
"Who are those for?"
He laughed.
"They're for you, silly girl!"
"Thank you, Austin."
I kissed his cheek and handed my mom the flowers.
"Hey, mom, can you go put these in a vase?"
"Sure, sweetie. Have fun on your date! And be home by six!"
"Thanks, I will."
As we pulled up by Wendy's, Austin pulled his brakes on his car and pulled his inhaler from the pocket of his white denim jacket.
"Hey, Ally. Hold this on my face, would you?"
He handed me his inhaler.
"OK. How many times do you have to breathe into it?"
"At least five. But I'm going to breathe into it ten times, just to be safe."
"Good call. You never know what could provoke your food allergies, which then provoke your asthma. And that would turn into a serious problem."
"Yeah."
I put his inhaler around his cute little lips.
"I'm going to count to ten. I'll let go when I get to ten."
His speech was kind of muffled over his asthma medicine. It made him sound a little like Kenny from South Park, kind of funny. I held his inhaler on his mouth.
"One, two, three, four,"
I started.
"Five, six, seven, eight, nine. One more breath."
He breathed into it another time and I handed him a bottle of Dasani water in the cupholder.
"OK, now drink this."
I saw him drink that water in less than five minutes. Damn he was going to have to pee later.
"You were very well-behaved while taking your asthma medicine."
I said in the kind of way that you talk to a three-year-old.
He broke out into laughter.
"Don't make me regret paying for you."
He gave me a soft noogie.
I laughed.
"Hey, two can play at that game!"
I gave him a noogie on his forearm and we both giggling. A real date was starting. We had fun just teasing each other. I wondered when he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. At Wendy's, we both ordered the Junior cheeseburger deluxe, a big thing of fries with salt and ketchup packets and Austin ordered a coke and ordered me a lemonade.
