A/N: I just want to say I love you guys. Ya'll stroke my ego in so many pleasing ways *innuendo* lol. No but really, I appreciate all the reviews. You guys review like CRAZY in this fandom! And I so was supposed to post this tomorrow but I have writer's block and need something to do before I go to bed, haha.
CHAPTER SEVEN
First Indecision
The first time Jane decided to be the most indecisive person on the planet was about three months later.
After their encounter in the bathroom, things got awkward between them. Jane was adamant, however, about them being friends since it was important to her (and crucial to her point of why they shouldn't be romantically involved), but she either failed to see or didn't want to see how difficult it was going to be getting back to some semblance of normalcy after all that. Maura tried to explain to her that they probably needed some space, but Jane wasn't hearing any of it. Because of that, there was long, awkward silences and tension at work. It was even worse when they tried to hang out outside of work because it seemed like they had absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. They'd sit there and drink their beverages in silence and Maura would try to come up with some excuse, any excuse, to try and leave.
It got slightly better as the months wore on, though not by a whole lot; there was still the weird, awkward moments that tended to jump in without warning. Maura wasn't sure if they would ever get back to being the friends that they once were.
The last thing Maura was going to do was beg for Jane to be with her. It was up to Jane whether she wanted to take their friendship to the next level and unfortunately Maura believed that she's far too scared to right now, probably for a variety of reasons. But after two months of continuously pining over Jane; watching her serial date a bunch of random men in attempt to either a) convince herself she's not gay or b) frantically try to move on and forget, Maura decided that it was time she try to move on herself.
It could take Jane months to finally come around. Maybe years. Maybe never.
So Maura reacquainted herself with Maggie Cole of Narcotics. She was a really great woman; very polite and very classy when she needed to be, but could also tackle drug dealers to the ground and hold a gun on a suspect in a way that inspired fear and awe. She was almost too perfect for Maura, which made her wonder what exactly is wrong with her. Because there had to be something, right? Maura felt like she was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But for the time being, she was enjoying her time with Maggie. It wasn't serious, which was something Maura needed; something light. They went on a couple dates and while the kisses goodnight were fantastic, Maura knew she couldn't get much more serious than that with her because she couldn't help but think that Jane kissed so much better.
But she knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon either. She also knew it probably wasn't a great thing for either of them for her to be comparing her to Jane.
After another date, Maggie dropped Maura off at her house. She opened her car door for her and helped her out, giving her a small smile before leaning in for a kiss. After a quick goodbye and Maggie asking if she was free over the weekend and Maura confirming, she made her way up into her apartment, planning on a long, hot bath.
What she wasn't planning on was opening her door and seeing Jane sitting on her couch. She nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Shit, I'm sorry," Jane apologizes, standing up after Maura's exclamation of surprise to greet her. "You— I had a key, and I just—"
"No, it's fine. I know, I didn't—I wasn't expecting to see you here," Maura says, stumbling over her words and trying to slow the erratic beating of her heart. She closes the door behind her, locking it, before leaning against the frame and looking at her friend. "You… you could have called, you know."
"No, I know. I'm sorry, I just—this case is fuckin' with my head and I didn't wanna deal with it… alone, you know?" Jane tells her, sitting back down on the couch and putting her head in her hands. They were working on a case involving a serial child murderer; it was getting to everyone. Maura's been trying to just focus on other things, but for Jane that hasn't ever been easy without help. "I didn't… wanna call, cause you had that date and—"
"How did you know about that?" Maura asks, surprised. Maybe a little worried. She didn't tell Jane that she started to date Maggie for a reason. Jane looks over at her like she's being a slow.
"People talk, Maura."
"Oh." Maura looks at her for a little while before averting her eyes and putting her purse down on the end table. "It's nothing serious," she mumbles.
"I'm… glad," Jane says, a little awkwardly, which makes Maura look up at her quickly. Jane must have realized what she just implied so she shakes her head, backtracking, "That you're dating, I mean. That's good… for you. That's good, Maura."
"Oh. Yeah. Maggie's… she's really sweet," Maura says, finding it a little awkward to be talking about this with Jane. She notices her friend's face look a little disgruntled by that statement, but she quickly changes and gives Maura a small smile.
"That's nice."
Maura's pretty sure Jane doesn't think it's nice at all, actually. She's watching her friend fidget a bit on the couch before she chooses to stand again, running her fingers through her hair. There's a long, awkward silence and unfortunately, to break it, Maura says something retarded.
"So how's it going with you and… Mark, was it?"
Mark was her current guy of the week. Maura's watched her go through so many it's begun to get hard to keep track. She wishes she never brought up the subject the moment it's out of her mouth though; she doesn't want to know, or care to know about the men in Jane's life.
"Mike," Jane corrects, then waves her hand like the thought is unimportant. "Complete waste of my time."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Maura is in no way sorry to hear that. "But there's plenty more fish in the bowl."
"Sea, Maura. Plenty more fish in the sea."
"Same difference," Maura replies as she shrugs off her coat, turning to hang it on the hooks near the door. There's another silence and Maura can hear Jane shuffling. Maura turns her head to look back at her. "Do you want to talk about the case?" she asks softly, carefully. Jane shakes her head.
"No, I just wanna forget about that horrific shit," she tells her. She shrugs a little, shoving her hands in her pockets and rocking on the balls of her feet. "I just need a friend right now, I guess," she mumbles. Jane's never been good at telling people she needed them, which already speaks volumes to Maura. "Y'know, just… chill. Relax. Whatever. We used to be good at that."
"Yeah, we used to," Maura affirms softly. They look at each other for a moment and Maura can see a bit of sadness behind Jane's eyes. It tugs at her heart and makes her want to go over there and wrap her up in a hug, but they didn't do stuff like that anymore. They barely touched at all. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything?" she asks quietly. She knows something's bothering Jane.
But Jane shakes it off and immediately hides the sadness in her eyes. "Nah, forget it. Ya wanna watch a movie or something? We can watch that girly stuff you like if you want. Just wanna have something to take my mind off things."
"Yeah, of course. Um, let me go take a quick bath first, okay? You can pick out a movie while I'm in there," Maura says, motioning to her DVD rack as she walks by to the bathroom. She watches Jane bite her lower lip in thought before she nods. Maura gives her a little smile and hurries out of the room.
She closes the door behind her and leans against it, taking a breath and closing her eyes. God, how she wishes that things between them would just go back to normal. It's too stressful watching what you say, how you act. Maura hears the TV turn on and she strips off her dress, followed closely by her undergarments. She wraps a towel around herself before she stands at the mirror and takes all the bobby pins out of her hair.
This look was totally wasted on Maggie. She wished she was coming back from a date with Jane. Then again, if she was coming back from a date with Jane, she wouldn't be taking a bath alone right now.
Maura knows she shouldn't be thinking things like that though, so she shakes out her hair while she busies herself turning on the facet in the bathtub. She stands there for a moment, watching the water fill up. She can't hear the TV anymore over the sounds of the water and it makes her curious as to what Jane is watching. What she's thinking. What's really got her upset. Cases don't make her sad, they never have. She gets angry; then determined.
Maura sighs, finding Jane too complex to ever truly figure out and thus she should just stop trying. But then she almost jumps out of her skin when she feels hands on her arms.
"Relax, it's just me," Jane says softly, which makes Maura relax instantly. She probably didn't hear her come in because of the sound of the water, but that still doesn't explain why she's even in here in the first place. She makes to turn around to try to ask just that, but then stiffens at the feel of lips on the back of her neck.
She's torn between "what the hell?" and "oh my dear lord," but all that comes out of her mind is a soft, questioning, and possibly disbelieving, "Jane?" She closes her eyes as Jane starts kissing her neck, making her way down her spine.
Is she dreaming? Did she fall in the tub and hit her head and is now completely delusional?
Jane's lips are blazing a hot trail over her skin and Maura shudders when she feels her tongue trace her vertebrae. Maura whimpers quietly as Jane's hands fall from her arms to trace the top of the towel with her thumbs. "Jane?" she tries again, attempting to make sense of this, but all she can concentrate on is Jane's lips on her skin.
"Shh," Jane hushes. Maura can hear how much her breathing has picked up and she realizes that that's how Jane sounds when she's turned on. That thought alone makes her bite her lip and tilt her head back as she squeezes her thighs together, trying to dull the throbbing ache between her legs.
It seems like it goes on forever, Jane slowly kissing each vertebrae down Maura's back, but it's when she gets to the last one before the towel and slowly encourages Maura to drop it, that she's thrust back into reality with brute force. Her towel hits the floor, exposing her nude body and she shrieks, "Jane!" as she quickly bends down to retrieve her towel, place it over her body, and step away from her quickly. "What are you doing?"
Jane looks taken aback at Maura's reaction, and then quickly turns defensive. "What I thought you wanted."
"You thought I wanted you to seduce me?" Maura asks in disbelief, clutching the towel to her chest tightly.
"Don't you?" Jane asks, equally as confused now. Maura's dimly aware that the water's still running and as she looks over she realizes it's about to overflow. She quickly bends down to turn it off, feeling a blush creep over her cheeks as she remembers a little too late that towel is only covering the front half of the body. She straightens and turns around quickly to face Jane, whose eyebrows are raised.
"Jane, you can't just… come in here and expect me to sleep with you just because it's suddenly become convenient!" Maura bursts out, angry.
"Hey, whoa," Jane says, holding up a hand to stop her. "That—I wasn't doing it because of that. I just, hell, I don't know, Maura, okay? I just wanted to kiss you and so I did. Why do you have to make a thing out of it?"
"Because three months ago you told me we couldn't become romantically involved because it would ruin our friendship!" Maura exclaims. This whole situation is so confusing for her; it feels like it came out of nowhere. It did come out of nowhere. "So what are you doing? You don't even talk to me first, don't even take a moment to think about the fact that I'm currently dating someone else; you just jump right in and try to take what you want because you think you're entitled to it?"
"I didn't say I was entitled to anything; don't put words in my mouth!" Jane protests, frustrated. She shakes her head and leans against the bathroom door, crossing her arms over her chest. She purses her lips together, looking let down. She shrugs self-consciously. "I just wanted to kiss you, Maura."
"You dropped my towel," Maura says flatly. There was no 'just kissing' about that.
"Okay, fine. Maybe I wanted to kiss you in other places too," Jane tells her flatly, glaring at her a little. Maura, however, has a little trouble taking her next breath. It's a bit shallow after that mental image. Jane doesn't seem to even notice though. "I just wish you'd quit analyzing it. Why can't it just be what it is?"
"Okay, fine," Maura says, crossing her arms over her chest as well. "So you wanted to have oral sex with me. Then what?"
Jane flushes a little at Maura's blunt statement. "You really just like to… say stuff like that, don't you?"
"Well that's what you wanted to do, wasn't it?" Maura asks; confused as to why she's looking at her funny.
"It crossed my mind, yeah," Jane admits. She doesn't look at her though and instead chooses to cross over to the sink to fiddle with Maura's toothbrush. It clangs against the side of the container.
"So then what?" Maura asks. "What happens after?"
"What do you mean?" Jane asks, looking over her shoulder at her. She clearly wasn't expecting this conversation and her voice hitches at the awkwardness of actually talking about it. "I dunno, we watch a movie or something?"
Sometimes it startles Maura how slow Jane can be.
"No, I mean in a more long-term perspective," Maura explains, a bit impatiently. Jane chooses to look away from her again. She shrugs, continuing to play with the toothbrush. Clank, clank, clank. Such a repetitive noise.
"I dunno."
Maura narrows her eyes at the raven haired woman. "And this is exactly why you won't be kissing me any time soon, Jane Rizzoli." She's not about to be strung around; she deserves better. Jane looks up at her again, confusion written all over her face as Maura continues, "Next time you feel like confusing me and messing with my feelings, at least have the decency to think everything through first." Jane just stares at her like she can't believe she just said that to her. "Now please get out of my bathroom, I'd like to take a bath."
"Maura…"
"No, Jane. If you'd like to discuss this some more than we can do it after I've had my bath. Please leave."
Maura knows she sounds ice cold and distant, but that's what she needs to be. After the rejection she's had to harden herself to the pain she knows Jane is capable of giving her. It seems like forever ago – their first kiss – and yet it's so fresh in her mind at this moment as everything resurfaces.
Jane's looking at her like she's expecting her to take it back; to tell her that no, she can stay and talk while she takes her bath, but Maura doesn't budge on the subject. Just because Jane has had some random epiphany or is going through some kind of experimental phase, it doesn't mean that it's going to last. They could very well have sex right here on this bathroom floor, maybe up against the wall, or one of them perched on the sink counter but either way, there's no guarantee that tomorrow Jane won't wake up and realize it was all one big mistake.
Maura doesn't want to feel that kind of heartbreak again.
"Fine, Maura. Fine," Jane says, shaking her head a little. She looks confused and a little more than disappointed and hurt, but Maura tries not to let it bother her. Jane grasps the door handle, but ends up standing there for a moment. The only sound that can be heard in the room is their breathing. "I'm sorry I even tried," she mumbles.
"Don't be like that," Maura says firmly. She's not about to get guilted into it; she was the one who had their heart broken. Not the other way around.
"Be like what?" Jane exclaims, turning to look at her after she opens the door. She doesn't move to walk through it. "All I was trying to do was what you wanted me to do."
"You did what you wanted to," Maura corrects softly. "You didn't even take a second to think about me."
"I think about you all the time!" Jane bursts out, frustrated as she admits that. She runs her fingers through her hair and lets out an aggravated sigh before taking two steps out the door. But then she stops, whips around, and takes two steps back to inform her, "This isn't easy for me, you know. I can't just rationalize why it's okay to feel this way. I'm not like you, Maura. I can't look at this shit objectively."
Maura can't think of a single time she actually looked at this objectively either; she's always run on emotions when it came to Jane. But that didn't matter, it's not important. It doesn't matter how she looks at it because that's not even close to the question that actually does matter.
"Why now, Jane?" Maura asks suddenly. That's what she needs to know. "Why all of a sudden now?"
Jane looks at her for a moment and Maura stares back, wishing that for once she knew what was going on behind those big brown eyes. For someone who claims to like simple things, she was the farthest from simple that Maura has ever known. She's so complex and confusing to try to understand. There's moments when she feels like she does, or maybe even can one day, but she knows that she's just fooling herself. Now is one of those times, and due to that she decides to speak without even thinking.
"Is it because you found out I'm dating Maggie?"
Jane's looking at her in a way that implies she'd like to set something on fire and then dance on its grave. "What the hell does she have to do with anything? Do you think I'm jealous?"
"Yes." The way Jane scoffed and refused to even look at her was proof of that. Hell, it would also explain why she randomly decided to try to claim her 'territory'.
"I was the one who introduced you two in the first place! I'm not jealous."
She's jealous. Maura knows that look; she's had that look every time Jane would take out another guy. Maura looks at her a bit sympathetically, tilting her head to the side a little. "You can't keep me on the backburner forever, Jane. I need to live my life."
"I'm not stopping you!" Jane exclaims. "But… you like me more, don't you?" Suddenly she sounds not too sure about the matter. "I mean, if you had to only pick one of us; it'd be me, right?" Jane then noticeably cringes at how needy that came out.
Maura puts her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow. "You say you're not jealous but listen to yourself."
"I'm just trying to put things into perspective here!" Jane defends. "What do you want me to say? That I'm happy seeing the two of you together? Because I'm not. It's kind of bullshit, to be honest. You were supposed to—"
"What? Wait for you?" Maura interrupts disbelievingly.
"No! Yes. I don't know," Jane replies, sounding more frustrated by the minute. "Look I don't… want to be in a relationship with you. I meant what I said when I told you I'd fuck you up. I'd fuck it all up and I can't risk that. Besides, I'm not even gay." Maura just blinks at her outright denial. "But our friendship is almost completely nonexistent now and I just thought that maybe if we started having sex than it'd get better."
Yeah, because having sex with a woman wouldn't be gay at all. Maura can't figure out for the life of her how Jane's brain works sometimes.
"Right, because sex doesn't complicate things in the least," Maura replies sarcastically. Jane narrows her eyes.
"Okay so maybe it wasn't the best plan but I don't wanna go on like this anymore. We barely even talk."
"It hurts when I talk to you, Jane," Maura tells her quietly, honestly. Jane looks almost devastated to hear that, but covers it up quickly as she puts up her wall. "It hurts when I'm around you. I tried to ignore it but I can't. I'm sorry."
"So what? Our friendship is just… over? It can't just be over, Maura. That's screwed up."
"I'm not saying that," Maura replies softly. She purses her lips and looks down, leaning against the wall. She takes a breath and then shrugs. "I'm just saying I don't know how to fix it."
"Then you don't know having sex won't fix it," Jane points out, like she just discovered how to cure the common cold.
Maura rolls her eyes, she can't help it. It's so ridiculous. "Sometimes I wonder if you hear the words that come out of your mouth."
She also wonders if Jane even realizes that she's become one big walking contradiction. 'I'm not gay, and I don't want to get involved, but maybe we should have sex.' In no universe does that make any kind of sense.
"Look, I was just trying to suggest something—" Jane tries.
"Oh yes, that's really romantic, Jane. Suggesting we have sex. Would you like to suggest where we have it, or do you not have a preference?" Maura answers sardonically. "Would you like to suggest the position, or should I surprise you?"
"You don't have to be a bitch about it, Maura!" Jane exclaims, offended by her cynical mocking. "Look, at least I'm trying! At least I'm trying to fix our friendship instead of sitting around feeling like a fuckin' asshole over this whole thing. I'm finally trying to do something about it, so, y'know, I'd kinda appreciate a little bit of help from your end." Jane sighs; loud, annoyed. She looks up at Maura, who wishes she could look back at Jane with anything other than sadness in her eyes.
"Maura…" Jane starts softly. But she pauses and Maura sees her noticeably swallow as she averts her eyes. Maura feels like she's holding her breath; waiting for Jane to finish something that's obviously important to her. Jane purses her lips, drumming her fingers on the threshold of the door for a moment while she works up her nerve. Finally she looks up and tells her without any more hesitation, "I… love you."
Maura can't breathe.
Jane shakes her head as she takes a couple steps closer to her as she jumps right into talking again, not wanting to wait for Maura's response. "I love you, okay? You asked me how before, and I think you already knew how, but just because we love each other doesn't mean this shit's gonna work. We did fine as friends. We did more than fine; we did great. I just want that back. It was freakin' perfect."
Maura still can't breathe. She knows she's alive though by how hard her heart is beating, which is a start.
"Maura?" Jane asks, searching her eyes for some kind of response.
"I…" Maura starts, still trying to gather her thoughts. Out of the millions of ways she had imagined Jane confessing her love for her, that definitely wasn't one of them. "You… you just told me you were in love with me in my bathroom." It was more of a disbelieving statement to herself, but one that just happened to come out of her mouth. "After I shot you down for sex." She's more saying it to the wall than to Jane at this point.
Jane laughs, which makes Maura finally click into reality and look at her. Jane puts her hand over her mouth, "I'm sorry, just… your face was priceless." Maura still doesn't get why that's hilarious and Jane tries to calm her laughing down. She puts her hands on Maura's arms to get her attention as she tells her, "Hey, I'm sorry. That was probably a shit way to tell you." She gives her a small smile though, trying to get Maura to at least the amusement in it. "I know you like all that romantic stuff. Probably shoulda at least bought you a rose or… something."
"I don't need a rose, Jane," Maura tells her softly, finally finding her voice and clarity. She looks at Jane for a moment before she too starts cracking up. "Oh god, I'm sorry!" she exclaims. Jane chuckles with her. "It's just… that's so not what I had in mind and I guess it's kind of…" her laughter dies down as she takes in the reality of the situation and ends with, "bittersweet." Because that's what it feels like.
'I love you, but we can't be together.'
It's the happiest thing and the worst thing at the same time. Maura takes a breath before she slumps forward, into Jane's arms. Jane wraps her arms around her and rests her head on top of hers. "I'm sorry, Maura," Jane whispers into her hair.
"You're logic is irrational," Maura tells her, even though she knows it won't make a difference. She buries her face in Jane's shirt, just wanting to soak up her scent.
"Not to me," Jane tells her quietly. She takes a breath, then kisses Maura on the top of her head. "So… where do we go from here?"
Maura has no idea.
TBC…
