if you are reading this, I updated on the road, from my iPad, successfully! I hope you enjoy this chapter, if you did (or even if you didn't), please please let me know! I live for reviews (although follows and favorites are super appreciated too!).

And speaking of reviews, you all need to see contammynation's contribution to the universe:

"Mamoru is totally humming TayTay's "Style"

you got that blonde hair, 'dango, bunny skirt.
And I've got that nasty green coat and a black shirt.
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time.
Cause you never go out of style. I never was in style~"

Holy shit, right? You're welcome.


"So, have you told your parents yet?" Mamoru put a plate of hot pancakes in front of Usagi, who dug in happily.

Breakfast for dinner was her idea.

It was to celebrate her first doctor's appointment - it was too early to see or hear the baby, but the blood test results were good and everything seemed to be going well. Mamoru took time off work to come with her, which Usagi thought was very sweet.

"No," Usagi answered, "I think I'd like to move out first. Ya know, so they understand I'm not asking them to raise my kid for me."

Mamoru seemed intent on his pancake for a bit, then said, "Speaking of that, I was wondering if you would consider... moving in here."

"Here? Like, with you?"

Mamoru shrugged, taking a sip of orange juice. "Well, it certainly would make things easier, as far as helping you out. And, you wouldn't need to spend your savings on key money and rent."

Usagi looked around the apartment, as if seeing it with new eyes. She realized she had never imagined living here, even when she had a spare key and treated it like a second home. She guessed she always figured they'd move out together when they go married - as planned. Once they broke up, she never considered it again.

"I'd be happy to take the spare room," Mamoru said.

Usagi frowned. The 'spare room' was little more than a storage closet.

"I don't want to displace you," Usagi said.

"I don't mind. And if you want, we can even start to look for a bigger place together - especially once we need a nursery."

"It's a nice offer, Mamo-chan but, I can't ask you to-"

"I'm asking you," he said, simply. "No pressure, just think about it." He took her plate and stood up, ready to go get her some seconds.

Usagi drank the rest of her juice while she considered. Living here truly would be so nice... secure, warm, she'd always have company. And Chibi-Usa would have her father and a stable place to live, instead of bouncing from one parent's place to the other's.

But could she live with Mamoru day to day, share a bathroom, see him first thing in the morning and the last thing at night... and not break down from sheer need to be more than all that? Could it be something she could force herself to do, for Chibi-Usa's sake?

Possibly. Unless...

"But, what if..." Usagi paused and bit her lip. "What if you.. you know. What if you meet someone?"

Mamoru looked genuinely confused. "What do you mean, 'if I meet someone'?"

"Like," Usagi felt her face flush and pressed her hands onto the table nervously. "Romantically."

"Oh, you mean what if I meet a woman who wants to pursue a relationship with me despite my utter lack of interest and the fact that I've been singularly in love with a specific girl since I was 17 years old?"

"Um-"

Mamoru clenched his jaw. "Usako, if you don't want to live with me you don't have to, but don't make up stupid reasons like 'what if you meet someone'?" There was a crack of true annoyance in his tone as he put the plate down in front of her. "Seriously?" he muttered under his breath.

Usagi felt offended. "Like it's such an impossible idea!" she said, her voice breaking. "Don't act like I'm crazy for thinking you could be happy with someone especially after-" she froze.

"After what?" Mamoru looked at her.

Usagi pouted and shook her head.

"After. what. Usako." he insisted.

"That girl you were with," Usagi said, forcing her voice to be flippant, as if she was merely recounting an interesting anecdote and not the pivotal moment that shattered both their lives. "After we fought that time... I... I came to see you. At school. I wanted to make up." She traced patterns on the formica of the countertop with her fingertip. "I never told anyone this, but I saw you just getting out of an exam and. You were with a girl."

"Usa-"

"I don't think you were cheating on me!" she said, "if that's what you are thinking. I'm not an idiot. But Mamo-chan, you were smiling at her. She kissed you. And that's when I realized you hadn't smiled at me in..." Usagi's voice was beginning to betray her. "I realized seeing you with someone else made sense. Just made more sense than leaving you stuck with me."

Mamoru just looked at her in astonishment. "I- I don't," he put a hand to his head, desperately trying to remember that day, figure out what the hell Usagi was talking about. "I don't remember this, Usako. I don't remember anyone like that." Maybe it was Chie, she was a super affectionate girl, always giving hugs and cheek-kisses to their lab group. Was she even at that exam?

And, more importantly, had he really not smiled at Usagi in so long that seeing it made her think some random girl from his medical school could even come close to - to even a shadow of what he felt for her. Had her confidence really fallen so low?

Feeling sick, he remembered how he'd treated her during that time, how much he ignored her, how the few words he had spoken to her were in annoyance, dismissive. Why didn't he realize how much it effected her? That she could honestly think he'd rather be with anyone else in the world besides her. That some instance he couldn't even remember would make her leave.

Suddenly, anger rose up in his chest. Anger at the whole situation, anger at the years they lost, but mostly, anger at himself. Anger at her.

"Usako, that was why? That was why you left me?"

"You would have never left on your own! I had to set you free, if I was so bad for you-"

"Set me free?" Mamoru stepped back, raising his voice. "Usako, these past four years were the worst years of my life. Of my whole life."

Usagi felt her lips tremble.

Mamoru spoke again, his voice intense and quiet. "Tell me, Usagi. Did you walk away from me, from us, because you didn't love me anymore?"

"No! I walked way because you didn't love me anymore!" She cried. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done! You said it was the worst time of your life, well it almost destroyed me!"

At those words Mamoru completely deflated. All the anger drained from him just as quickly as it had come. He felt utterly numb, her words still reverberating in his skull. "It almost destroyed me." "Well, that's always been a talent of mine," he said, dully, staring ahead but not really looking at anything.

Usagi felt her heart pound in her throat. She'd never seen his eyes look so blank before, so dead. Not since she faced him as puppet of Beryl. It made her want to faint. "Mamo-chan, I'm so sorry," she whispered though her sobs.

Look what she did to him.

Look what they kept doing to each other.

"I'm so sorry," she said again, and nearly tripped over herself fleeing the apartment.


Mamoru pressed his palms to his eyes, breathing deeply.

That was it, the moment of truth. Usagi had literally laid his worst fear bare in front of him: that he had finally irrevocably damaged her, had ruined them completely. There was no going back from this.

Since the moment he met her, and learned of his importance in her life and the destiny he was lucky enough to shoulder - the privilege of having a place in orbit in Usagi Tsukino's universe - it had been a ghost in the shadows, lurking on the fringes of their happy life: That he wasn't enough. That he could never deserve her love, no matter how much he tried and fought and struggled.

His darkness would distinguish her light.

He'd always known.

She's better off without me.

But no.

He looked up, shaking his head, clenching his fists.

This isn't it.

This can't be it.

There was Chibi-Usa's smile in his mind. The way Endymion looked at Neo-Queen Serenity. The way Usagi had always smiled at him in greeting when they were together.

Mamoru needed faith. In her. In him. In them.

That was what he never had, what his desperation never allowed him.

And that is what came to him in a flash of understanding. King Endymion had forced his hand in the past, claiming their love would be "tested" and told Mamoru he needed that faith - Mamoru had written him off in anger but in that moment everything was perfectly, crystal clear.

Usagi needed him a much as he needed her. Lack of love was never their problem. He needed to make her believe in him.

Fight for her.

Mamoru ran out of the apartment. The elevator wouldn't come down when he pressed the button, so he took the stairs instead. Bursting out of the lobby doors into the cool twilight air, he froze, eyes darting around. She couldn't have gotten far, but the streets were empty.

Where was she? The park? Her home? Rei's?

Then he stopped, rebounded. The elevator was coming down when he had pressed the button...

The roof!

Mamoru turned and ran.


There wasn't much up there, on the roof of Mamoru's building. A couple trees, some folding chairs, extra laundry lines. And Usagi, shivering in her light jacket. The sky was blue and the lights were starting to come on, little by little.

Usagi didn't react when Mamoru stood behind her, silently. He put his hands on her shoulders. "I found you," he said, hoarsely.

"I wanted to see the city," Usagi said, rolling her eyes like she thought her own idea was silly. Her lips were pressed downward and tears were still falling silently from her eyes.

"It's pretty," he agreed. For a moment they just stood there, watched the sky bruise a darker blue.

"I'm so selfish," Usagi said, sighing.

"No," Mamoru said, "I'm sorry about what I said before I-"

"I mean," she said, interrupting him. "I'm selfish because I want you. To be with you." She stepped out from under his grasp and turned to face him. "I'd marry you tomorrow, Mamo-chan! For the rest of my life I'd lay claim to you - chain you down to a fate you never asked for! A destiny from an accident of birth-"

"Fuck destiny!" Mamoru said, startling Usagi into silence with his language. She just looked at him, gaping.

"I want to be with you," Mamoru said, putting his hands on her shoulders and looking at her right in the eyes. "You were what made me happy. You were what I needed. You, you, you. Not because of some leftover responsibility from some long-dead royal oath, but because of how you - Usagi Tsukino - made me feel. What you made me do. You made me better." He swallowed the lump in his throat.

She looked at him, doubtfully, tears still silently falling. "But you were so unhappy-"

"I was a jackass," Mamoru said. "I realize that." He stood up and put his hands to his head. "I was stressed. And tried. And I completely took you for granted, assuming the future was set in stone. I-" Mamoru shook his head and took Usagi's hands in his. "I assumed the future was set, because I was glad it was. Usako, in my entire life, I never had anything else that was... stable. That I trusted like that. I was stupid to mistreat that."

"I'm so sorry," Usagi sobbed. "I let us fall apart."

"No," he held her. "No, no, it wasn't you."

"And it wasn't you," she said, her voice muffled from where her face was pressed into his chest, her voice jumpy through her tears. "It was just us. We screwed up. We screwed everything up."

For a long time they just stood there, holding each other. Usagi's muffled sobs were the only sound.

"How do I know we won't do it again?" she asked, finally. It was dark now. "How can I know we just won't keep hurting each other, falling apart to fall back together, time after time after time...?"

The brightest stars were beginning to sparkle above the buildings. The moon skirted the horizon, cautiously.

"I don't know," Mamoru said, finally. She pulled away and looked up at him sadly.

"All I know is, I'd rather be with you than apart from you," he said simply.

Usagi blinked. Her eyes were dry, her skin tight from tears. "I'm so tired." So, so tired. Of all of this.

"Can I stay over tonight?" she asked.

"Yes, of course."

He wrapped his arm around her and walked her slowly toward the stairs.

Not too long later, Usagi was snuggled into one of Mamoru's oversized sweatshirts, with a clean face and dry eyes. She sat on his bed, chewing a fingernail and looking at the photo of them.

"Goodnight," Mamoru said gently from the doorway.

Usagi gave a small smile in return. He turned out the light and the room was bathed in the perpetual twilight of the city.

"Usako," he said, "I want you to know that, whatever you decide, I will be here for you. I will support you in every way, I will raise our daughter with you, and will rule beside you should Crystal Tokyo come to pass. And if you ever decide to give me another chance, to give us another chance, - even if it takes a hundred years I'll ... I'll wait."

Usagi shut her eyes against her unshed tears as Mamoru left, closing the door behind him with a soft 'click'.


Mamoru's bed was comfortable, familiar, and Usagi was exhausted beyond belief.

But she couldn't sleep. Instead she starred upwards, watching the light play across the ceiling, wondering how many nights Mamoru had lain awake in this same place, hurting the same way she did.

Usagi rolled to her side and pushed her sweaty hair away from her eyes. How much longer could they do this?

She'd done her best, she'd given Mamoru his freedom like she'd thought he wanted. And he pushed it back to her, rejected all her offers of a life free from the bonds of their fate.

Her love would hang him, and he kept handing her the damn rope.

Usagi groaned and put her head in her hands. How much more selfish could she be? If she were to actually leave him, take Chibi-Usa and run, it'd be the worst thing she could ever do to Mamoru. But staying? To make him wait on her day after day, under some hope that one day she'd turn and say "okay, I'm ready now"? How was that fair either? He promised to wait, but how long could he really do it?

And most importantly, when would she stop being so damn scared?

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and padded quietly out of the room.


This chapter was especially fun, forcing both Mamoru and Usagi to face their inner demons and insecurities. I hope you enjoy the next one, too. Please look forward to it! It was also very fun to write.