When You're Angry Try To Eat Something Sweet. Or Maybe Not.
Hijikata had done a stupid thing. More than one actually, and all had happened the day before. Not only had he he let that criminal Katsura escape, but he had also let the perm head do what he wanted. Maybe it wasn't completely the idiot's fault, because if Hijikata had wanted to he could have punched him and be done with it. But he hadn't.
Why hadn't he done anything?
He didn't have an explanation for this, it was just the circumstances, he told himself. He was the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi and the moron seemed to be injuried so he had tried to keep him safe, but in the end even if they weren't discovered, well except for Katsura, things had happened...
Shit. He really didn't want to think about that, it was frustrating. He had just let the idiot maneuver him like he had wanted and instead of fighting back he had given in.
And in the end he... he... the jerk's hand was right there and he hadn't wanted to lose contact so... he had let his finger... touch...
"Fuck!" He yelled, slamming his fists down on his desk. He was angry.
There was a hasty knock on his door and a tuft of dark hair could be seen through the small opening in it. "Fukucho, is everything alright?" It was Yamazaki, he had worded the question nervously, afraid that the Vice Chief would take his anger out on him, following him around the barracks and threatening him to commit seppuku.
It was better to confront the problem head on. "Yamazaki! Bring me the biggest bottle of Mayonnaise you find and bring Sougo here! We have work to do!" Hijikata shouted at him, craving the liquid suddenly, it always managed to calm him down.
"Yes sir!" Saluted Yamazaki and he went as fast as he could to find his Vice Chief's favourite food and the Captain.
Once Hijikata had his stomach full of the delicious, creamy substance and his palate felt heavenly from the taste, he felt slightly better, but still in a bad mood.
"Ne Hijikata-san, if you keep eating that poison you're going to get sick and die, or do you want me to help?" Sougo joked (not really) as he entered the room and watched the Vice-Commander slurping down what he called 'food'.
A bazooka already settled on his shoulder and he was looking in the viewfinder as he released the projectile that went where Hijikata's head had been a second before.
"Tch, next time I'll do better." He promised to himself as he put away his favourite weapon.
"What was that?" Hijikata mustered all the calm he had in that moment, not wanting to waste his energy with the damn brat.
"It was just a joke, Hijikata-San. You've been scaring all the new recruits and Zaki today, I tried to lighten the mood." Sougo replied in a monotone.
"A JOKE MY ASS! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME! IF YOU TRY THAT AGAIN IT'S SEPPUKU FOR YOU AND I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT!" Hijikata yelled at the top of his lungs.
In his defense he hadn't a lot of calm to begin with and Sougo's actions were that much more irritating today. Usually he was able to conceal his feelings pretty well, but if even Sougo had seen through him then it meant it was bad. He lit a cigarette and crunched it between his teeth. He needed a smoke more than ever now.
"Move, let's get going, you aren't paid to do nothing."
Without another word Sougo followed him out the door and they started on their rounds.
During their walk things were calm, the only noise they heard was the people's chatter around them as everyone attended their daily business. Hijikata was silent and Sougo didn't mind keeping to himself either. In this span of time he started thinking again, more specifically he thought about the events from the previous day. Again.
The Shinsengumi had had a tip from one of their spies about what was going on in a manor located in one of the richest parts of Oedo. From what they heard there was this illegal affair going on between a member of the high society and a powerful amanto, and they had to intervene.
But never would he have thought about not only Katsura being there, but also the Yorozuya. How had they caught wind of it too? Hijikata was sure that Kondo-San had explained to him why they were also there, and from what he could tell his Commander had been okay with letting Katsura go. Something about a meeting he and the criminal had had that Hijikata hadn't been able to pay too much attention to, because he had had other... things in mind.
It was a sour mouthful to feed his pride with. He had understood that Katsura had helped them somehow and the fact didn't sit very well with him. But this wasn't the reason of his bad mood. After the- let's call it encounter, he had with the Yorozuya leader, Hijikata hadn't been able to focus on anything else. Last night he wasn't even able to sleep! He didn't understand the meaning behind his actions and it wasn't just yesterday. For sometime now he had felt a subtle change between them, almost a week ago things had changed (reference to chapter 1).
And he didn't know how to feel about that. Since the whole witnessing affair he hadn't been able to keep his mind off of it. The idiot could have said anything, absolutely anything he wanted, but he chose to defend his actions. And in turn Hijikata had shown concern for him, like a moron.
He didn't know why, but the fact that he had somehow unconsciously done something bad to Gintoki brought a negative feeling in him. When he hurt him it was always concious and the perm head would be the first one to pick a fight with him.
And from then the briefest of contacts they had had, made shivers run down Hijikata's spine.
And the Cafè had made everything so much worse. They weren't obliged to stay in each other's presence but they had chosen to and when their ankles touched Hijikata hadn't wanted to pull away. He had relaxed instead! That never happened, not in his line of work, not with idiots lurking around and trying to mess up his life, no.
But with Gintoki he had relaxed, felt at ease almost, and as much as he kept questioning himself he couldn't find a rational explanation for this.
During the mission it had been the worst, he could still feel the whispers of strong arms and hard muscle surrounding him, he hadn't wanted for it to end- that's why he had done something that stupid when Katsura had busted through the door.
He wanted the idiot to feel what he felt when they had parted ways up until then, and in a-spur-of-the-moment decision he had drawn a line with his finger on the Yorozuya's hand, this way he hoped he wasn't going to be the only one left feeling awkward.
And until then they had always had a kind of goodbye thing, like a 'see you later' gesture, and as much as Hijikata hated himself for that now, he really wanted to make sure the idiot knew that. Because in most cases a goodbye sooner or later was followed by a hello. And Hijikata had wanted to see him again.
Damn, why was this so complicated? His stomach started feeling uneasy because of these strange thoughts.
Sougo chose that moment to break the silence. "So, is everything ready for tomorrow?"
Right. They had an incursion tomorrow. The Shinsengumi had been spending two weeks preparing for it, it was going to be a difficult one. All of them would take part in it. Sometime ago there had been an incident that involved dangerous amanto, some of them had formed an alliance and decided to create a new weapon that would help them conquer all of Oedo.
Tomorrow would take place the first trade, in an abandoned warehouse, away from everyone and everything. This machine was able to control people's minds through the advanced technology the aliens possesed, and if just one thing went wrong then they were finished.
There wasn't a reverse cure or anything like that, once your mind fell prey to the enemy you became a slave. Fortunately it was hard to come up with such precise techonology in the span of two weeks, and even if those amanto did, the best they could do with the weapon was to hypnotize ten people at best.
It was still dangerous, because even with ten people at a time, if they used it on the higher ups or the leader of the nation, who knew how many troubles it could cause? Or if they found a way to amplify the effects, not only the nation, but the whole world would be under the control of those cruel beings. So tomorrow they had to do anything in their power to destroy that cursed weapon.
"For now things are proceeding, tonight we'll finish with the details and wrap everything up. It's going to be dangerous so you have to be prepared for anything." He responded to the question Sougo had asked him.
"Hijikata-san you offend me like this, of course I'll be on my best when it comes to kicking alien's ass." Sougo had an evil smirk playing on his lips as the words left his mouth. At least you could count on the brat when it came to matters like this one.
Hijikata was almost excited himself, after all he would be able to focus 100% on his work and blow all the steam and stress he had accumulated these past days.
As they were walking a sweet smell was spreading in the air. In fact near them there was a stand of dango.
"Hijikata-san let's stop here, we did our rounds and when we get back there will be paperworks and preparations for tomorrow, I want to eat some dango." Sougo drawled as he looked at him, expecting an answer. "You know, even if you don't want to I'm still going to find a way to take a break and I'll waste our whole day if you don't let me."He added lazily. He sounded very sure of himself saying this.
Hijikata sighed, Sougo was definitely able to do just that if he didn't agree now. "Fine, let's rest, but just for a little."
In the end he gave in, not really having the energy to fight right now. And he supposed a break wasn't that bad of an idea. All he ate today was the Mayonnaise Yamazaki had brought him, and even if it tasted delicious it didn't satisfy his hunger completely.
They approached the stand and took a seat on one of the benches outside the small place. There wasn't anyone here, probably given the hour of the day, even if it was late spring the sun wasn't shining today, instead it was covered by a few grey clouds and the temperature had dropped some. There was a cool breeze blowing every now and then. Hijikata thought the weather matched how he was feeling a little today.
An old, kind woman came out to take their orders and left again to get inside the tiny place to get them ready. As the dango were being made, Sougo and Hijikata were enjoying their rest. Hijikata, finishing his cigarette, had even closed his eyes. He was feeling tired, the lack of sleep was probably the cause, maybe after eating he would be more awake.
As the smell of dango was invading their nostrils they heard a high pitched scream.
"What are you doing here stupid idiot? Do you want me to kill you!?"
He knew that voice, when he opened his eyes he avoided just in time a big rock that was aimed at his subordinate. It was the girl that was part of the Yorozuya, and with her the other two members.
'No, not today too!' He thought exasperated beyond belief. He really had hoped against hope that he wouldn't see the idiot today, it was too much. Seeing his face just heightened the irritation Hijikata was already feeling.
"Pff, you call that a throw, China? Even a baby could beat you." Sougo had avoided the rock too (more like a projectile in the hands of Kagura) and had spoken with smugness in his voice that Hijikata had heard only directed at her.
"You want me to show you how I can throw you around the planet, you jerk?!" She answered, clearly affected by Sougo's childish insults.
"I'd like to see you try, with those pathetic arms. It's a wonder how you can even lift something, you should just go home and let the real men do the work. Don't tell me you can't because you don't know how to behave like a girl? What a shame." Sougo continued unperturbed, a small smirk already on his lips.
Apparently he hit a nerve because the next thing they saw was a chunk of cement being ripped off and with all the strenght she had the Yorozuya girl tried to hit Sougo. Multiple times.
"Ha-ha-ha! Don't make me laugh! You a real man!? The only thing you can do is sleep and piss people off, you're a wimpy sadist-o!" And just like that they began their fight.
The kid with the glasses at first had tried to calm the two down but had given up a short while later. "Hijikata-San, I'm sorry about her, when she gets like this it's impossible to stop her." He mumbled as an apology with a dejected expression.
"It's okay, it was Sougo's fault anyway." It was true, Sougo always picked fights with the red headed girl and tried to make her angry, a little beating could only do him good in Hijikata's opinion.
However this wasn't the problem at all. The real problem was that the moronic idiot had held eye contact with him for a second. After Hijikata had gotten away from the path of the giant rock he had looked up and found the Yorozuya glancing at him, surprise on his usually deadpan face. And just for a second Hijikata was sure he saw something glinting in those eyes, beneath the surface. But it had lasted only a second, because the jerk had gone inside to place his order, ignoring him completely, his air of indifference returning instantly and because of that Hijikata was pissed.
How could he act so indifferently, like nothing had happened?
Hijikata stopped right there.
Of course nothing had happened, why would it have? They acted like they always did, there had just been a few weird moments between them, but just because they weren't used to being alone that much. They were almost always surrounded by other people, maybe that was how they took the frustration out on each other, with... being close?
The last thought sounded ridiculous even to his own ears. But something struck him right then, maybe to the Yorozuya it was really nothing, he probably had passed it off as one of Hijikata's random acts. The concern Hijikata had shown for him, the contact, he still couldn't shake the feeling of Gintoki in that closet room off of him, the way he held onto him, his face against his neck... did it mean nothing to him?
Hijikata should be glad, he really should, he could forget all about this and pretend it had never happened. But he wasn't and he felt angry instead. At who he didn't exactly know, maybe himself.
The idiot came out then, trying to balance some plates on both his hands and arms. "Oi! If you two don't stop now Gin-San is going to eat all of your dango." He called to the brats.
Kagura and Sougo stopped mid-fight, her hand around his throat trying to strangle him and his holding her arm backwards trying to break it. They immediately run to the bench and took their portions, the kid with the glasses was already sat, afraid that the others would eat his part too.
"Food! Finally, Gin-Chan I was starving!" Kagura exclaimed.
"Thanks Danna." Sougo nodded at Gintoki gratefully, he had been hungry after all, that's why he had asked his Vice Commander to stop earlier.
"No problem." Gintoki answered.
And as they started eating Hijikata was looking a bit bewildered at the scene. It seemed Gintoki had stayed inside the place long enough for both their portions of food to be ready, and he had gotten out of his way to bring the Shinsengumi's food out even if he didn't have to. A plate of dango was positioned on the stool near Sougo, where Hijikata had sat. It was such a small gesture but it brought a feeling inside him he couldn't just shake off.
Then his phone started ringing. He decided to take the call elsewhere, he simply needed to stay away from the moron a bit more. Not too far away from them was an alley between two buildings and he decided to go there. He didn't notice the stare Gintoki was giving him as he went.
Inside the alleyway he positioned himself next to one of the walls and pressed the button, holding his phone to his ear. "Yeah?"
"Toshi! Where are you and Sougo?" The voice of Kondo carried over from the receiver and he continued without waiting for an answer. "You can come back to the barracks now, we need to go over a few details for tomorrow's plan and you need to rest. This is going to be a tricky one, I need all my men on their top form."
"Don't worry Kondo-San we were finishing our rounds, we're on our way now. And with all the preparations and training we did these past few weeks everything will go according to plan tomorrow."
Hearing the voice of his Commander eased a little the stress out of him. This was right. What they had been doing, what he had been doing, was all so his Commander could guide them and find a better life for all of them, he wouldn't let him down.
It was time he erased everything else, especially the past week from his mind, and started paying attention to his faction like he always had. They said a few more things and he hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket. Hijikata let himself have only a moment to clear his head as he closed his eyes again and leaned against the wall, reflecting.
"Your dango is either going to get cold or eaten if you lose anymore time here."
He jolted when he heard the voice and opened his eyes from the astonishment. It was the idiot. He really didn't want to see or talk to him right now, the anger and irritation inside him picking up again. He took out a cigarette and started smoking to calm himself.
"And what's that to you?" Hijikata asked coldly, the frustration inside taking the best of him.
"Nothing, just thought I'd give you a fair warning before Kagura was going to devour your portion." Gintoki answered in a normal voice, his eyes were as always, nonchalant and dead-fish like. He really didn't care if Hijikata's food was eaten by his protegè, then why was he here at all?
"Doesn't matter. We're goin' anyway." Hijikata was ready to step out but the Yorozuya's next words stopped him in his tracks.
"Tomorrow's gonna be a big day, huh?" This time his tone wasn't that casual.
"That's none of your business! How much did you hear? It's illegal to listen to other people talking on the phone!" Hijikata was angry again, why had the Yorozuya's expression changed when he talked about tomorrow? He didn't have any say in this and it shouldn't concern him what Hijikata did. It was his work for fuck's sake! After screwing with his mind he was going to do it with his work too? That thought made the frustration inside of him flare.
"Don't accuse me of something I didn't do! I was just coming here to warn you about your food and heard a bit of your conversation. And I'm pretty sure it's not illegal to unconciously overhear people speaking on the phone!" Gintoki defended himself because that was honestly what had happened.
"Hearing police's conversation is! And why would it even bother you what happens to my food? Your girl with the monstrous stomach or Sougo were gonna eat it anyway, now move! I have to go!" Hijikata was going to walk as fast as he could from out of here, he didn't want to stay a second longer, but Gintoki grabbed his arm. Did he like grabbing other people so much or what? Lately he had been doing it an awful lot with Hijikata.
"Wait!"
"No! Let go!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
Hijikata yanked violently his arm out of the idiot's grip, he really didn't want to stay here, but it wasn't enough to deter Gintoki.
"I said wait!"
And he felt himself being tugged along and pressed against the wall, his cigarette falling from the impact, Gintoki's hands on both sides of his head. After the initial surprise Hijikata was glaring at him.
"What's gotten into you?" The light haired samurai asked in a low tone while looking in his eyes.
Hijikata tried to move and get away but it was no use, the idiot kept him in place and everytime Hijikata tried something Gintoki would get a little closer, to make sure he wasn't leaving. Hijikata stopped moving. They were breathing heavily now, one from exertion and the other from rage.
"Shut up and go away!" Hijikata snapped.
"No." Gintoki's voice was firm.
Hijikata didn't know what to do, just yesterday they had been in such close proximity. And Gintoki wasn't even touching him now, but he could still feel the heat emanating from Gintoki's body that was just a few inches away and his arm, where he had grabbed him just seconds ago, was almost throbbing now. Gintoki was looking at him with determination and- had his eyes always been this red? A little closer and Hijikata could count the shades of colour in his irises.
It was too much.
He lowered his gaze, but still it wasn't enough. In a way or another, as much as Hijikata loathed himself for this, it wasn't as satisfying as it had been the day before. Damn, he was almost craving to feel his touch again, the grab from earlier seemingly not enough for him. Why was this so hard?
He wanted to feel like he had yesterday, when it seemed like nothing mattered and it was just them, but now they were surrounded by people and he was a police officer, he had a risky job awaiting him and Gintoki was just a good-for-nothing Yorozuya who had his job too. They should have never crossed paths in the first place and that had been Hijikata's fault too, as usual.
"Let go." There was still anger in his voice but it was more subdued and not so detectable now, but it also sounded unsure, something it hadn't been in a long while.
It looked like Gintoki had caught his uncertainty too, of course, he always caught on the smallest things, and he inched his face closer to Hijikata's. He neared just a few millimeters of distance but Hijikata felt already slightly breathless. He could feel Gintoki's gaze on him as he was looking down, focusing on anything but him, the ground had become interesting all of a sudden.
Gintoki then spoke in a hushed voice. "Not until you tell me what's going on with you."
Hijikata really didn't want to. It would be so easy to vent out his frustrations now, to just tell him everything.
And ask him if his head felt a mess like Hijikata's did. if he had been able to sleep these days, if he had lost his appetite too or if what had happened between them was just a trick of his mind.
If he still felt the ghost of warmth from their skin touching.
But he really couldn't bring himself to do it, what good would come out of saying so in front of his rival anyway? The most he would get was probably a laugh in his face.
"Nothing, everything's as usual. Now I really have to go, I have important matters to attend to." He uttered instead.
And he said all of that in his normal voice. He himself couldn't believe he was able to use his usual tone and he had even looked in Gintoki's eyes while doing so.
Gintoki looked back at him almost shocked for a moment, before removing his hands from the wall and slowly moving away from Hijikata. Turning around he left the small alley, without glancing back once.
Without his warmth trapping him Hijikata suddenly felt cold.
After getting himself together he went out and found Gintoki already sitting on the bench and eating his dango, his head downcast. Sougo and the Yato girl were fighting again.
"Come on, give me some of them!" She shouted as she was trying to grab a plate that Sougo kept away from her.
"Forget it! These are all mine, stop stuffing yourself or you'll become a pig."
"Shut up I'll stay young and beautiful forever!"
Hijikata needed to get away.
"Sougo, get up. We're leaving. Now." Sougo heard the tone in Hijikata's voice.
Without protesting he was able to take a stick of dango from Hijikata's plate for himself and got up. Going to the old lady that was beside them the light haired boy told her to add the dango on their bill. With a final "Bye Danna", at which Gintoki only nodded, and a grimace directed at the girl who responded back with a sneer of her own, he joined his Vice Commander and they began to walk away.
Hijikata didn't glance back either, keeping his distance from him.
He thought it was better this way.
. . .
Author's Note: Hijikata is angry and frustrated because he's in denial, he doesn't understand what's happening to him and he feels bad, that's why he took his anger out on Gintoki. And it's understandable to snap under the frustration and stress, even if it's the wrong thing to do.
I'm pretty sure we have all done it at some point.
Oh and also he calls Gintoki's kids other names because it would be too personal addressing them with their own. As they will start to get closer he will get closer to them too.
Thank you so much for the beautiful comments and reading until here, you've made me really, really, really happy, you are all amazing people!
