SAVE ME FROM MYSELF
HARVEY SPECTER
He never wanted to see Donna like that - so wounded, so bleak. And he only had himself to blame for it. He'd viciously wielded words against her when she wasn't even at fault. He was truly the epitome of a pompous moron. What an award-winning performance he'd delivered too; at one point, Harvey even had himself convinced that his slights were justified.
Donna was leaving. This time, it was probably for good. And she wouldn't tell him why or where she was going. While estranged, learning about her in passing had kept him sane. In retrospect, it had also been something he'd unconsciously held on to. Now, the idea of losing touch with Donna completely was almost enough to unhinge him.
When she wrenched her hands from his, bolts of muted fear charred his nerves. The lingering feel of Donna's touch scorched his skin, and his lungs burned with air that seemed too thick. Harvey could barely make out her form through his blurred vision; he only knew she was moving further and further away from him. The caustic moment that changed everything between them was repeating itself - Donna was walking away while he stood there staring like an impassive fool.
If this was life's way of giving him another chance, he was taking it. He couldn't make the same mistake and let her go again. Not when he could still fight for her. But for the life of him, Harvey couldn't string the words together - not fast enough, not meaningful enough. When he finally spoke, his voice came out hoarse and foreign.
"Back then, you said you wanted something more. Do you still want it, Donna? Do you still want more?"
She halted at his words but didn't turn. She hadn't walked out the door either, and Harvey held on to meager hopes as he made his way towards her.
When he took the first step, he immediately recognized the signs. Tingles in his fingers coursed through his arms. His heart hammered so heavily that its uneven vibrations echoed in his ears. He was going to risk his composure and put his embarrassing self on display - a vulnerability he'd so wanted to keep away from everyone. From Donna. But this was no place for his ego or pride. He ignored the rough scratch in his throat and determinedly strode on.
"I asked what you meant by more. Do you remember?"
He came to a standstill behind Donna. When she felt his presence, she stood a little taller. Still, she wouldn't face him. He imagined Donna entangled in her own internal debate. He could hear the silent question she was asking because he shared the exact same one. How much could she trust him? In all honesty, he was done playing games. But in this severe state, he wouldn't trust himself either.
Harvey inched in as close as he dared. "I lied, Donna. I pretended that I didn't understand. I lied...because I thought I had too much to lose. I thought…"
He faltered for the rest. Harvey wished he could find the right words. He had no plans. No grand designs. Only one thought rang repeatedly - he needed her.
He was so tired of keeping score. If he could let her read his mind and heart, he would happily offer them on a platter to her. Because, even now, when he wanted to share everything - anything - with her, he was so thoroughly damaged that he couldn't do it. What the hell was wrong with him?
"Damn it, Donna. You know I'm not good at this," Harvey sighed. For all his reputation as a womanizer, he was at lost when it came to the ones who mattered. Correction - the only one who ever truly mattered to him.
Trepidation cut through, lashing him into near frenzy. His throat constricted as air greedily wrestled against racing pulse. Even so, Harvey barreled on. He needed her to hear what he wasn't ready to say three years ago; but time, body, and mind were all mercilessly working against him.
"Will you…give me a chance if…I promise…to try? Give. You. More..."
Because there was nothing he could do to stop from coming undone, Harvey threw all his senses to hell. In one motion, he pulled Donna back and wrapped his arms around her. She felt so fragile against his frame; if he wasn't careful, she would shatter in his grasp. He lowered his head to hers and nuzzled close to her neck. There, Harvey found a trace of comfort - the subtle scent of floral, wood, and sea salt. It was a fragrance he'd come to associate with her. Only her. He missed her comfort. He missed everything about Donna.
Harvey opened his mouth, but nothing came. Barely a sound emerged, all his intended words fleeing him. He was on the verge of losing it, the undercurrent fear reigning over his body and his every thought. With one arm on Donna's waist and the other draped across her shoulders, he tightened his hold. What he couldn't say, he poured into the embrace. He prayed it wasn't too late to remind her of what they had. Of what they could be.
In a matter of seconds, everything would fade into nothing. He would be reduced to a shell of a man, and she was going to see him in shambles only to realize that she deserved better. If she was ready to walk away from him before, she most probably wouldn't stay for a man who couldn't even help himself.
DONNA PAULSEN
She was enfolded in Harvey's warmth, but she sensed everything wrong about it. His arms around her was taut. Trembling, even. She swore she could feel his heart pounding against her skin. When he spoke, each subsequent word also sounded more forced. More breathless. Belatedly, Donna realized he was sporadically gulping for air.
She suddenly whirled around, causing Harvey to awkwardly drop his arms. He briefly lost his footing and collapsed onto the floor. His face was pale and his lips pallid. Donna quickly knelt beside him, feeling afraid for his life. She didn't understand what was happening.
Harvey clumsily sat up and scrambled over to lean against the wall for support. When Donna reached out to help, he physically recoiled and shrunk away from her.
"Harvey?" She was about to call for help when he abruptly intervened.
"No...need," Harvey gasped between breaths. Even in such an agonized state, he tried to appease her. "Not…dying. No…fear… Pan..…".
He couldn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to. Panic attack. Donna had heard about them, but she'd never witnessed one herself. She'd thought Harvey no longer suffered from them - even long before she left the firm.
Despite knowing it was not life threatening, Donna couldn't bear watching the toll it was taking on him. She urged, "What can I do? Please let me help."
Harvey waved his hand jerkily, an attempt to dampen her worries. Then he shuttered his eyes, rolled to the side, and covered his face with both hands. He never gave her an answer; evidently, it had become physically impossible. Everything he did looked almost involuntary. Uncontrolled.
Donna slowly lifted his hands from his face and saw the naked terror that loomed his eyes. Through them, she could hear Harvey's silent screams as he battled the torment his mind was relentlessly barring on him. His hands felt cold and clammy as they shook wildly.
"Harvey…," Donna said, her tone laced with uncertainty.
"S' Okay," Harvey barely bit out. It was all he could manage. Everything about him - his clenched fists and his heaving chest - betrayed his assurance. He was anything but okay.
His gaze was shaded with a glint of fear and his focus turned dazed, as if caught between reality and imagination. It wasn't long before he gave into darkness completely. He slammed his eyes shut and shifted away to conceal his anxiety from her.
It was beyond heartbreaking to see Harvey like this. He was always the confident one. The dependable one. The one who people needed and not the other way round. But the man before her, stripped of every façade, was so defenseless and frail. She couldn't reconcile the two personas in her head. How long had Harvey carried this heavy burden himself? How many times had he secretly endured the nightmare in solitude?
Harvey once told her that he would never let anything happen to her. That she would never have to be 'scared-like-that' again. That very same man was struggling before her, and she wanted nothing more than to keep him safe. To will his fears away.
Acting on pure instincts, Donna scooted closer to him. She tentatively tried to pull Harvey towards her. When he gave in without restraints, she put her arms around him. Harvey continued to shiver, unaware of his surroundings. He was fighting the horror his mind was conjuring, wholly obscured and disconnected from the present. His own dreadful imagination was his reality, and he suffered it in quiet torment.
Donna gently ran her fingers through his hair, tracing light circles to calm him. To connect with a part of him that might still be aware of her. To let him know he wasn't alone, and that he didn't need to feel so scared.
She tilted his head backwards and pillowed it on her shoulder. When she placed her palm across his chest, this time, there was no mistaking his heart drumming violently. She listened to the sound of his breathing, hoping to uncover what he needed. Long and slow exhales, she told herself. She consciously paced her breaths to let him mimic them.
Next to his ear, she whispered, "You are safe, Harvey. Just breathe with me. You are not alone. You are safe."
You are loved - these unspoken words became her cruel awakening. She was such a hypocrite. She was no different from Rick, trapping Harvey with her selfish demands. Just because she couldn't live with the old terms they'd danced to. Just because she couldn't accept the way things were, it didn't mean she had the right to ask for more. Not when it changed or suffocated the person she loved. It was a stark realization - to keep Harvey 'safe', she had to set him free. Wasn't that why she'd come in the first place? To say goodbye?
Except, now with Harvey so vulnerable in her arms, she didn't know how she could ever do it. How could she ever let him go?
With Harvey facing away, Donna took reprieve in the fact that he couldn't see her. She finally allowed the tears she'd held back to fall quietly. Again and again, she whispered the only promise she could offer to him, "You are safe, Harvey. You are safe."
Was it what you expected? I hope it wasn't too distressing. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
