You know something? I never got why people think that blowing into a person's ear is hot. If anyone's got the answer, please explain it to me in a review. And to everyone who's curious about Renji's punishment…Well, that would be telling.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to Bleach in any way, shape, or form.
-- TwinShadows
Love Potion Version 9.0: Chapter 7
The ceiling fan was turning slowly overhead as everyone sat around the table in Kisuke Urahara's backroom, the sound of the clock ticking away the seconds in the background. All the males, sans Ichigo, were wearing the same kind of crystal necklaces that Tessai and Urahara were wearing; the former in the kitchen making tea.
Said shopkeeper was currently staring at Ichigo with cold seriousness. The young man that was being targeted by this gaze was starting to sweat nervously. The whole atmosphere was riddled with tension… until the door slid open to reveal Renji with his hand over his mouth and a black cat running past him to leap onto the table and sit in front of Urahara.
"So, Kisuke," Yoruichi said, her voice disguised to be masculine in her feline form, "Why did I need to change in order to come out here?" Then, she noticed the crystal he was wearing. "Please tell me that isn't what I think it is."
"Unfortunately Yoruichi, I can't," he replied solemnly. "It seems that Ichigo has found my LP series of potions and decided to use it himself." That got the shape-shifter's attention to shift to the aforementioned boy and glared hard at him.
"And here I thought you weren't that kind of person," she lectured.
"What kind of person? What's an LP thingamajig?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?!" Ichigo yelled angrily.
'All right,' Renji thought gleefully, smiling under his hand. 'This is even better than I thought. Not only does Ichigo reek, but now he's taking the heat for me. This is sweet!' Unfortunately, he let go of his face when he thought this, so he got a strong whiff before he could put his hand back into place. 'Now, if only I could block out that reek so I can enjoy my triumph.'
"Hey," he called out through his palm, "You got anymore of those stink-blocking rocks for me, Kisuke?"
"Nope, fresh out; now shut it," Urahara waved him off, not taking his eyes off of Ichigo. Seems like karma was slapping Renji's face all over the place. While Renji was weeping over his poor nostrils, Yoruichi had moved to look Ichigo straight in his face.
"I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth," she said firmly. "Did you take Kisuke's LP chemicals and use it on yourself?"
Ichigo stared back at her, frowning. "I haven't even heard about this stupid LP thing until you and Hat-And-Clogs here started talking about it just a few minutes ago," he replied matter-of-factly. Yoruichi continued to stare at him for a moment before looking back at Urahara.
"He's telling the truth; he hasn't taken it," she said calmly. "Or at least, he doesn't know if he has."
"Well, just to be safe," Urahara muttered to himself, rubbing his chin. Turning to look at Renji, he continued, "Renji, you've been working in the backroom for the past few days--"
"SO?!" he hollered. "THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW!!" Looking around, Renji saw the others looking at him weirdly. 'Oh, crap.'
"I was just asking if you've seen a cardboard box with 'LP Series; Handle with Care' written on it while you were back there," Urahara continued, blinking stupidly at the redhead. "'Cause if you had, I'd have asked you to go get it for me."
"Oh right," Renji said, grinning sheepishly before looking thoughtful. "Now let's see…" Naturally, he was faking it, but he needed to keep some cover for himself. "Now that you mention it, I think I might've seen a box just like that. Let me go check." And he moved out the door and headed to the backroom.
"That was weird," Ichigo said plainly.
"He's always been like that," Rukia commented shrugging. "Even when we were kids."
"So then, can we get the details on this 'LP' potion business today?" Uryu interjected, shifting up his glasses.
"Right," Urahara agreed. "Well, judging from what I smelled earlier, I'd have to say that we're dealing with one of the later versions of the LP; maybe version 8.0 or 9.0." Orihime held up her hand like she was in class at this. "Yes, what's your question, Orihime?"
"Um, what does 'LP' stand for?" she asked, tilting her head to the side. Urahara then pulled out his fan and began waving it in front of his face, chuckling with a smirk on his face.
"'Love Potion' of course." If anyone had been drinking any liquids at that moment, they would've spit it all out in surprise. Ironically, that moment was when Tessai walked in with the tea.
"WHAT?!?!" came the all-around vocalizations of shock form the younger generation.
"Wow, that was pretty good synchronization. Did you all practice that before you got here?" Urahara asked cheekily. Naturally, the left hook from Ichigo knocked that right out of him, steam coming out of his attacker's ears.
"As much as I agree with your anger Ichigo," Rukia said, eye twitching in frustration of what she heard which made her do those embarrassing things, "How about you wait until after he tells us about it? That way, if we don't like what we hear, we can all hurt him."
"In that case, you better start talkin' Hat-and-Clogs or else," he growled. Groaning, Urahara rubbed his nose when he sat back upright.
"I'd suggest doing what he says, Kisuke," Yoruichi commented. Her friend nodded before clearing his throat and started explaining.
"Well, it was back in the day when I was still a Soul Reaper," he started. "As you can imagine, like it is here in the World of the Living, there are people who, shall we say, lack the necessary ability to attract someone they're interested in." Pausing, he started fanning himself and grinned widely at Ichigo. "I guess that explains why you needed it for yourself, huh Ichigo?" His response was an angry growling sound coming from the substitute Soul Reaper's throat.
"Maybe you shouldn't make him so angry," suggested Orihime, nervous at how mad Ichigo was looking. Wisely, Urahara took her advice and continued with his story rather than his antagonizing of Ichigo.
"Anyway, I developed a pheromone enhancer to fix that problem, but naturally, things didn't pan out quite out the way I wanted it to," he said. "That's actually how I was able to tell you had a dose of the later versions rather than like the very first love potion I made."
"Why's that, Mr. Urahara?" Chad asked.
"Because when I tested my first potion, it didn't just attract the opposite sex of the one wearing it," Urahara answered darkly. "It also brought the same sex as well as older and younger of both sexes; not to mention mammals, reptiles, birds, insects, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think a couple of flowers actually made a pass at me when I was running away. In fact, the only one who wasn't affected by me was myself."
"That's terrible!" Rukia said, horrified that such a concoction was conceived. "I can't even imagine the kind of chaos that would've caused!"
"Well, if Renji would hurry up and bring the box of the bottles of the potions, I'll get to the good part," Urahara replied easily, looking around for the aforementioned tattooed Lieutenant. "What's taking him so long anyway?"
"Now let's see…" Renji muttered to himself, scanning the shelves for his quarry. "Where did I put that stupid box?" Then, he looked down at the shelf below his eyesight and saw the box with "LP Series; Handle with Care" written on the top of the box.
"Oh man," he said, pretending to be frustrated. "Why is it that you can't find anything when you want to?" Then, turning away to look to his left, he muttered sarcastically, "Maybe it's over here…" and he turned his back on his real target and moved toward his next "search place."
"Wait a minute," Uryu said suspiciously, "You said 'potions' as in plural and 'version 8.0 or 9.0' meaning that you improved it. Are you saying you made more than one?!"
"That's impossible," Rukia interjected, turning to look hard at Kisuke. "After a disaster like that, there would be a ban for its existence, right?" To her displeasure, he chuckled and hid the bottom of his face with his fan before looking over at Yoruichi, who was currently frowning back at him.
"You want to tell them or should I?" he asked her gleefully, apparently amused at some joke that only he and Yoruichi knew about. The cat-woman sighed heavily before turning back to the kids.
"To answer your question, Rukia," she started, "After the effects of Kisuke's first Love Potion wore off, the Women Soul Reaper's Association moved forward with a motion to forbid the further invention of such a potion. And since so many people were affected, the motion was immediately passed."
"Then why the hell is he still making more of the crap if they forbid him?!" Ichigo demanded, slamming his fist onto the table. Chad put a hand on his friend's shoulder to calm him down.
"That was partly my fault, I suppose," Yoruichi answered, "When they made the motion, the Women Soul Reaper's Association didn't allow me to be involved; apparently, since I was Kisuke's friend and captain, they assumed that I might choose to side with him. So by the time I received a copy of the banning, it was too late for me to do anything. One month later, Kisuke brings forth his Love Potion version 2.0 for everyone to see and hear about."
"Did they try to arrest him?" Orihime asked, hanging onto every word like it was a riveting ghost story. At this, Urahara jumped in to give the answer; i.e., brag about his accomplishment.
"Oh, they tried. But I was just as much of a handsome businessman as I am today!" Naturally, he got a rounding glare from his audience. "And like any good businessman…" he added slyly, "I knew how to exploit the loophole they left for me in the ban." That little bit of information stunned the rest of the group into silence.
"What loophole?" Rukia said slowly, not really sure what the Women Soul Reaper's Association could've done to let something this big slip by. Yoruichi continued where Urahara left off.
"You see," she said, swishing her tail, indicating that the memory was still irritating to her, "When the Women Soul Reaper's Association banned the Love Potion, they forgot to give it to me to review it, since I know Kisuke well enough that I could find something that he could use to his advantage; and as a result, they only banned the distribution of the potion."
"The distribution?" Orihime asked, not quite understanding what was so bad about that.
"It means something is handed out to other people," Uryu explained, pushing up his glasses. "And it could be by any means; from selling it for money to giving it away." Orihime blinked at him, still waiting for him to tell her why it was such a big boo-boo.
"In other words," Rukia continued, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration at the incompetence of the people responsible for this, "As long as Kisuke doesn't send any of the Love Potion to other people, he's free to make as many damn potions as he wants and they can't stop him."
"Bingo!" Kisuke chimed happily as Renji walked into the room, carrying the box that he was after. He'd decided that he had spent enough time messing around and that now was the time to show up with his quarry.
"Sorry it took me so long," he said, grunting as he placed the box in the middle of the table before moving to get as far away from Ichigo as he could in the small room. "The thing was buried under a whole bunch of junk in the backroom, so I kept overlooking it."
"Well, as long as we get to check and see which of these was used on Ichigo," Kisuke stated, opening the lid and placing each bottle on the table, being careful to check the labels of each in turn and figure out which was missing from the bunch. "So, I was right. Version 9.0 isn't among them, which means that someone who knew about the potion used it on Ichigo."
"Well, we know that none of the children were even aware of this," Yoruichi said slowly, ignoring Rukia's grumbling about how "I'm not a child. I'm just petite." "And I was against that damn concoction since the first time you made it."
"I actually forgot where I put it when I got bored of making it," Kisuke muttered thoughtfully, rubbing his stubble. "Tessai, did you, Jinta or Ururu know about where I put the box the first time?"
"I prefer to stay as far away from your hobbies as possible, Mr. Kisuke," Tessai replied with a deep voice. "It allows me plausible deniability for when the time comes for it to blow up in your face."
Before Renji could begin his denial of how he had no idea about the LP thing (noone had bothered to tell him what it really was), Jinta opened the door and slammed an empty bottle onto the table before glaring at Renji.
"Hey Moocher!" he said angrily, pointing at the bottle. "If you're gonna live here, throw away your trash! I nearly broke my neck from tripping over that when it rolled out of your room!!" With that, he stormed out to some other part of the store, leaving a very awkward pause in his place.
"Renji…" Kisuke spoke slowly, examining the label on the side of the bottle. Hearing his name, Renji started sweating nervously. "...two questions come to mind: why does this bottle's label say 'LP v.9.0' on the side and what was it doing in your room?" Everyone turned to look at him expectantly, Ichigo's face getting more enraged with each passing second.
Renji scratched the back of his head, chuckling nervously. "Well, there's a really good explanation for that," he answered. "And I'll tell you as soon as I think of one." Moving quickly, he tried to make it to the door in an attempt to escape. The problem was that Ichigo's anger and desire to throttle the culprit made him faster.
"YOU DUMBASS!!!" he hollered, tackling Renji and sliding into the wall. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!" Thankfully for Renji, Tessai and Chad managed to restrain the strawberry-gone-nuclear before he got the chance to damage Renji further. That left him at the mercy of his childhood friend, who wasn't feeling any more charitable than the guy that was just on top of him.
"I want an explanation now, Renji," Rukia said sternly, her tone plainly telling him that if he didn't do as she said, worse things would happen to him.
"Uhh, okay," he said shakily, getting up onto his feet. "Well, I did it because he set me up three days ago. You know, when he had me buy you all that Chappy ice cream and ended up cleaning out my wallet."
"You said that it was no big deal!" Ichigo protested, his arms still held in place by the two giants. "You even said you'd do the same thing if you were in my place!"
"I just said that to make you lower your guard!"
"Enough!!" Rukia yelled, punching Renji in his head before kicking Ichigo in his stomach. "Ichigo, calm down before you rupture something. Renji, you better keep talking before I really lose my temper."
"Shouldn't I be the offended party?" Urahara asked Yoruichi. "After all, it's my privacy that was invaded." His answer came in the form of Yoruichi sticking her claws in his thigh.
"Well while I was cleaning out the backroom for Kisuke to get some money," Renji continued, not wanting to face Rukia's full wrath. "I knocked the box off the shelf and it hit me in the-- I mean I found it and when I opened up the bottle, it smelled so bad, that I thought I could use it to get back at him."
"Well, congratulations Renji," Uryu said frowning. "That chemical that you gave Ichigo was a love potion that Kisuke made." Renji blinked stupidly as he heard this.
"So what's the problem? Sounds like I actually did the guy a favor." At this point, Ichigo had calmed down enough for Tessai and Chad to let him go, but hearing this made him growl, turning the attention onto him.
"Some favor. Guys are avoiding me like I got the plague and the only girls who haven't grabbed me are Orihime, my sisters, Yoruichi and that little girl Hat-and-Clogs has sweeping up his front yard. In fact," he continued, not thinking about what he was saying in his wanting to tell off Renji, "Both my friend Tatsuki and Rukia have both ended up kissing me because--" he was cut off by Rukia covering his mouth, her face an atomic red.
"I WAS SLEEPWALKING!! IT DOESN'T COUNT AND YOU KNOW IT!!" she protested loudly. Though from the knowing grin on Urahara's face and the "raised eyebrow" from Yoruichi, it was clear that she hadn't been fast enough to stop him from spilling the beans.
"Um, Renji, how did you give the potion to Ichigo?" Orihime asked curiously. You could just hear the loud click in Ichigo and Rukia's brains as they made the connection.
"So that so-called 'peace offering' you made was just a way to poison me?!" Ichigo yelled.
"Well, I guess it's a good thing you didn't save any of that curry for me then," Rukia commented offhandedly. When they heard this, Kisuke and Yoruichi froze.
"You mean you had Ichigo eat the potion?" he asked, his voice deceptively calm. Everyone looked over at him, getting a horrible feeling that things just took a turn for the worse.
"Is that a bad thing?" Chad asked nervously. And when Chad was nervous, then things were probably scary.
"After the first Love Potion failed, Kisuke decided the next one would be applied like humans apply sunscreen or sun-tan lotion instead of drinking it," Yoruichi explained. "That way, when you got sick of the results, all you needed to do was take a shower to stop the effects."
"So what will happen to Ichigo now?" Rukia asked.
"There's no way to tell," Urahara replied, pushing his hat down over his eyes. "Considering that no one's been dumb enough to actually eat it."
"HA! Hear that Ichigo?" Renji asked gloatingly.
"The only thing dumber is actually putting it in food and feeding it to someone else," Uryu put in, making Renji lose his cockiness instantly.
"HA! Yourself, Renji," Ichigo said back, getting close into Renji's face. The older red-head gagged and choked from the intense smell.
"Before we get too deep into this," Kisuke interrupted, waving his fan for a means of getting their attention, "Perhaps we should try to find a solution to this dilemma. In the meantime Renji, your punishment for this will be to stay as close to Ichigo as you can within reason until this is over."
"But he stinks like a pile of dead fish!" Renji complained, covering his face in both hands.
"That's why it's a punishment," Yoruichi said, moving to jump off the table and leave the room. "Finish up here, Kisuke. I'm getting some milk," she called over her shoulder as her tail disappeared around the corner.
"Well," Kisuke spoke again, bringing the focus back onto him, "Until we can figure out how to purge Ichigo of the Love Potion's effects, we need to keep him away from other people to avoid anymore accidental attractions. But the good news is that the parameters that I incorporated into formula seem to be functioning properly, so there are going to be people who are immune to you."
"Such as?" Ichigo asked, really hoping for some kind of good news after such a difficult time.
"Oh, you know, female family members, children and the elderly, men obviously, and women who already have definitive feelings for someone."
"But I'm 10 times his age," Rukia interrupted. "How come I was affected too?"
"By the Soul Society's count, you're actually around his age," Urahara answered matter-of-factly. "Sorry, but that technicality has put you in the hot seat, Rukia." She just groaned, hanging her head in frustration.
"Wait," Ichigo said slowly, realizing something as he looked at Orihime. "Does that mean you can't smell anything because you already have feelings for a guy?" This question made her blush and look down with embarrassment.
"Y-yes I do," she said quietly. Everyone else looked on curiously at the two, thinking the same thing. 'Has Ichigo figured out that she likes him?'
"Well, bring him around at lunch when this is over," Ichigo continued, giving her a smile. "I'd like to meet this guy." Everyone else fell over in shock. 'He's kidding, right?'
"Uh, sure Ichigo," Orihime replied, laughing nervously. Though a part of her was a little hurt that he hadn't figured out her feelings for him, it was still nice that he recognized that she had those feelings.
"Say Ichigo," Kisuke said slowly, straightening himself. "Where's Kon?"
"He's back in my room why?" Kisuke then broke out a grin that chilled Ichigo to the bone. "I'm not gonna like what you're thinking of, am I?"
"Probably not. But it's a pretty good solution for now."
"HOW IS THIS A SOLUTION?!?!" Ichigo yelled, pounding on the door of the metal room he was locked in. The little window in the door slid open to show Urahara's eyes looking in.
"Sorry Ichigo, but we can't have any more girls falling for you," he said plainly, though his eyes showed that he was enjoying himself immensely. "So until we get things squared away with you, you can only come out in an extreme emergency." Urahara could practically see the steam billowing out of Ichigo's ears. "Will you relax? It's only temporary until we can think of a better solution. You can think of this as your own bachelor pad. You've got a bed, mini-refrigerator, bathroom, and your own roommate."
The door then swung open as Tessai flung Renji into the room, kicking and screaming until he landed on the floor face first. Before Ichigo could make a move to get out however, the door slammed shut and he heard the tumblers moving into place as Urahara locked the door.
Yoruichi, in her human form, then leaned in to the window to speak. "Try to understand, this is the only thing we could think of that would truly punish him for causing all of this," she reasoned with Ichigo. "Hope you can take some comfort form that."
"Not much considering I'm still in a metal box," he muttered darkly.
"Well, too bad for you," Urahara sang as he shut the window and turned back to speak to the remaining people of the group. "So, we're all clear on what's going to happen?"
"Yes," Rukia replied confidently. "While you work on a way to make Ichigo normal again…"
"Or at least as normal as Ichigo can get," commented Uryu, pushing up his glasses with a smirk on his face.
"I'll convince his family that he's staying over at Chad's house for a school project," she continued, ignoring the interruption via the Quincy. "Then, tomorrow morning, I bring Kon here and he borrows Ichigo's body so that we don't draw suspicion on ourselves."
"Don't you think Kon might have a problem with this?" Orihime asked timidly. "I mean, we are doing this plan without telling him about it."
"The chance to actually have girls want to be around him, even touch him without it meaning physical pain? That's probably his lifelong dream," Rukia said with a dismissive wave. "Chances are, he'll only have a problem with it because he has to use Ichigo's body."
"STOP TALKING LIKE I'M NOT HERE!!" Ichigo yelled through the door angrily. Everyone simply let him continue venting while they left the shop.
So there you have it. Have a Happy Halloween and don't eat your candy all at once.
--TwinShadows
