I LIIIIVVVEEE!

Ok, I'm not gonna make excuses. I was away far too long and I feel bad and it was my own fault because I'm lazy so there!

For the sake of providing this long long long overdue update I split this chapter in half, making it shorter than planned and somewhat cliffhangery. I apologize for that, but the rest of the chapter is in production and I will try to have it up within the next week.

geromino!


Friend

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty good about life. The sun was shining, it was a brand new day, and I had successfully taken care of all impending homework the night before, so I could walk into that classroom without fear. Or so I thought.

Of course it wasn't long before reality with it's usual timeliness decided to come crashing down. Namely, in the memory of my new "Best friend", Kemini. Thus the rare good morning was shattered and I was once again thrown in amidst the whirlpool of anguish that is my current day to day life.

It wasn't as though I had anything against Kemini, I didn't know her well enough to make any judgments yet. Still, just the memory of yesterday's encounter was enough to indicate that interaction with her on a daily basis was going to be the second most exhausting experience of my life, the first of course, being Haruhi.

Haruhi.

Ah yes, Haruhi.

Silly little brain. Did we almost forget the most vital factor in this hell of a situation? There was no way in heaven or earth to predict just what Haruhi's reaction to this new development was going to be. And honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to know

You see, for certain...reasons...which I don't think I'd like to go into in explicit detail right now, (Hey cut me some slack! I'm confused enough already!) I very much doubt that Haruhi would take kindly to my having a close relationship with any member of the opposite sex, and something deep inside was telling me that she definitely wasn't going to take to Kemini. Probably the unsettling, but undeniable observation that their personalities were, in a way, rather similar.

When I entered the classroom my first move was to quickly survey the area. Haruhi was already in her seat, slouched over with her head in her arms and her face towards the window, little flames of irritation swirling in the air around her. I glanced to the right. Good, Kemini had not yet arrived. There was still some time to set up a defensive should the enemy prove abnormally hostile.

I walked slowly to my desk and sat down as casually as possible, much the way one would approach a sleeping, rabid, female tiger. After taking a few moments to compose myself and work out my first attack, I turned around to say good morning to Haruhi. Unfortunately, the situation was far more serious than I'd thought.

"Don't talk to me today! I couldn't get to sleep last night and I'm in a bad mood. I don't feel like hearing your stupid voice!" she snapped, burying her head in her folded arms with a scowl.

Now, having just spent the entire morning stressing out over how to deal with her, I found this abrupt dismissal extremely irritating. That said perhaps my behavior was slightly less mature than would be desirable.

"Well fine by me. Maybe I don't want to talk to you either." I grumbled, as I began turning to face front again.

Her head shot up and both fists came down upon the desk top with a resounding bang!

"Why the hell not?", she screamed.

Half the heads in the classroom shot up and began whispering at the sudden outburst. I, who had taken the full impact of the blast, could only blink in shock as I struggled to pull together enough words for a rebuttal.

"Wh-why do you care? You just said you didn't want to talk to me!" I stammered defiantly.

"This and that are different! Why don't you want to talk to me? What did I ever do to you?"

Still shouting, she gestured wildly to me, and then herself to emphasize the accusation. Her voice was strained and taking on a whining tone.

If there is one thing I can't stand it is people with double standards!

"What, you want a list?" I snapped back, genuinely angry now. I had had just about enough of her mood swings! "For starters you called me stupid just now!"

She rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, I call you names all the time! You should know by now I don't mean it!"

. . .woah.

"I- …You don't?"

"Of course not! It's called playful teasing, it's what friends do!"

. . .Woah!

"F-friends?"

"Well duh, what did you think we were?"

"Um... I don't know. Associates, or something?"

"Ugh, you are so annoying! What do I keep you around for?"

don't ask me!

This was too much. It really was. You would think that after all the crazy shit that had been happening these last few weeks I would have been prepared for anything, but this was too much! I did not just hear Haruhi Suzumiya tell me straight up that we were friends.

Strangely enough, along with the initial shock I felt a bizarre surge of misdirected anger. I had spent all this time trying not to think about the definition of our relationship for the simple reason that it was way too confusing. She had pushed me around, ordered me about, and belittled my existence every day that we'd known each other while still managing to make it clear that my time and attention (and more often than not, money) were hers to claim. I had spent countless pointless hours contemplating the significance of her attitude towards me, and all the while she had been sitting pretty excusing her own rotten behavior with the one-sided decision that we were "friends"! Since when were we Friends? I never agreed to this!

This line of thought was, of course, ridiculous, and the result of harrowed nerves and a bad attitude. At the time I had yet to realize that practically everyone we knew already assumed that Haruhi and I were friends or more. The only reason I was so behind the loop (Is that how that phrase goes?), was because I was, well...an idiot. An idiot who liked to over think, and avoided thoughts that shook whatever flow I happened to be rolling with.

Well, as far as "flow-shaking" thoughts go, this one took the cake.

It was perhaps good luck then, that Kemini chose to appear just in time to stop me from voicing my idiotic thoughts and incurring Haruhi's further wrath. Although, at the time I definitely did not see it that way. In fact, my first thought upon glimpsing her golden head emerge through the sliding door of the classroom was;

"Oh. Hell."

Little did I know that hell would have been an absolute bundle of laughs, compared to five minutes between two of the most frightening females ever to walk the earth.

Kemini, who was beginning to remind me of a particularly buoyant gas molecule wearing a blonde wig, wasted no time in bounding straight over to my seat and talking at me in the loudest, fastest voice you could imagine.

"Oh my god! Kyon, you will not believe what just happened. I was riding on the train this morning and someone tried to feel up under my skirt! Can you believe it? A real live train pervert! Just like in a shoujo manga! Isn't that exciting? Of course, in a manga there would have been some ridiculously attractive guy standing ready to save the heroine. I just kicked the sicko's butt and got off the train. But come to think of it, that's even cooler isn't it? More manga heroines should do that instead of crying and waiting for the ridiculously gorgeous prince guy cause, let's face it, most guys are average at best, so what's the point? Hey what do you think? Do you like it better when they cry or kick you?"

What happened next will be burned onto my memory till the day I die. I looked over my shoulder to gauge Haruhi's reaction and was met with a sight more terrifying than anything I had ever seen.

She was staring straight at Kemini's bright blonde head, (which was still cocked to one side, eagerly waiting to hear my preference in manga heroine types), her expression completely blank. There was not a single hint in her face of any emotion whatsoever.

I had seen her angry, happy, melancholic, surprised, irritated and now even sickly, but the one expression I never expected to see on Haruhi Suzumiya's face was no expression at all. I found that I had no idea what to do about it. On a scale of awkwardness, this situation was...totally insane.

Debatably luckily for me, I didn't have to deliberate long on how to react. Kemini, apparently having grown bored of waiting for me to answer, was now directing her attention elsewhere. Specifically, at a certain someone sitting behind me who had not said a word since her arrival.

"Oh, who's this? Wow! I totally didn't notice you at all!"

Haruhi's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly. Kemini, unperturbed, continued merrily.

"Were you here yesterday? I'm pretty sure I'd remember if you were. Were you out sick? Are you feeling any better?"

Silence.

Then Haruhi spoke.

"Who the hell are you?"

Kemini looked about as taken aback as a person could be. It was quite unsettling. Even someone as assertive and energetic as Kemini was shaken by Haruhi's brutal lack of etiquette. Still, not one to be outdone, she soon collected herself and shot Haruhi a brilliant smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself! I'm Kemini Okuwagi!"

She extended her hand forcefully in Haruhi's direction.

She ignored it. Her eyes were locked onto Kemini's face and her voice was growing increasingly high pitched.

"What are you doing here? Why are you talking to him?"

She turned to me.

"Why is she talking to you?"

If I had had a chance to answer I honestly don't know what I would have said. The way Haruhi was looking at me was like nothing I had ever seen. I didn't know whether I should feel terrified or...sad.

Kemini, however was not the least put off by the situation...yet.

"Kyon's my new friend! We met yesterday, he's awesome. Are you guys friends too? isn't he great?" she chirped, her effervescent grin never wavering.

Haruhi was not amused.

"I wasn't talking to you!" she snapped at the unsuspecting blonde before turning on me again. "Why are you talking to her?"

I opened my mouth to say something defensive and clever, but the panic in her eyes froze the air in my throat.

It was becoming clear that I was to have no part in this discussion. I could only sit by helplessly as Kemini answered for me once again. By this time she seemed to have caught on to the hostile turn the conversation was taking.

"We're just friends," she frowned, "why are you so worked up? Unless..." her eyes narrowed devilishly as she glanced from Haruhi to me with a smirk. "Aww...is she jealous? Kyon, you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend! how sweet!"

...W.O.A.H.!

My throat unfroze out of pure shock.

"W-what?" I stammered, "That's not... even...It's not like...I mean, no way!"

I beg of you, please please PLEASE don't go there! This is sensitive territory!

But it was too late. Haruhi was already as red as a person could possibly be. And something told me it wasn't because she was embarrassed.

"Why don't you just mind your own fucking business and shut up! I said I wasn't talking to you!"

A chorus of gasps and whispers erupted from our classroom audience, some of whom had moved closer in a completely unabashed attempt to get better eavesdropping positions.

Kemini's eyes went wide.

"Geez. I'm sorry ok? I didn't mean to offend." she said, holding her hands up defensively.

But Haruhi would not back down. There was something frantic and maniacal in the her eyes as she snapped her reply.

"Why don't you make it up to me by crawling off to die then huh?

This time Kemini's eyes narrowed in a combination of disgust and outrage.

"What is your problem? Kyon, your friend is a real bitch! Why is she like that?"

Once again I was spared the inconvenience of having to reply as Haruhi suddenly rose from her seat and stepped forward to meet Kemini's hateful gaze with one of equal hostility.

"What did you call me?"

"A bitch. You're needlessly hostile, unbelievably rude and seem to have some serious superiority issues. That's my definition of a bitch, what's yours?"

"How about an annoying little blond tramp who sticks her nose in where it isn't wanted and couldn't shut up if her life depended on it?"

At this point my balls finally decided to show up.

"Hey um―"

"Look, I've already apologized! I can't help being a little bit nosy, that's just how I am. If you don't want to answer my questions then don't, but there's no need to attack me like this!"

"Hey listen, girls, I think this―"

I was promptly cut off by a terrifying glare from Haruhi.

"Shut up Kyon!"

Kyon promptly shut up.

...much to the displeasure of Kemini. It was becoming clear that there was no winning with these two.

"Don't you tell him to shut up! He had something to say! You can't tell him what to do!"

"Sure I can! I'm the brigade leader, he's my subordinate! I can tell him anything I like and if I want something he has to do it!"

"That is such bullshit! You have problems, looks like I called it on those superiority issues huh? You still gonna claim you're not a bitch?"

Up until that day, I had heard stories of the infamous "cat-fights" that hormonal teenage girls were apparently supposed to participate in on a daily basis, but had never actually seen one. When Haruhi lunged at Kemini mid sentence, it may not have been as profound an experience as seeing the louvre or climbing everest, but I have to tell you, it came pretty damn close.


I would like to take this time to beg and plead a little. Please please please leave reviews! Anything will do, a couple of words even! Reviews are precious fuel to authors, we need to know our work is appreciated. I have some inferiority issues so if I don't feel like anybody wants to read it I'll feel like I'm imposing and lose the motivation to write! Apparently I can disappear for a very long time without even noticing (Talk about time flying!), and I really would like to finish this story just for the sake of accomplishment, so please, help me!

I promise some really good stuff is coming up! Yuki and Kyon have a heart-to-heart, Time goes screwy and Mikuru turns bad ass, Kyon gets attacked by more insane girls with knives, and we even get to take a walk inside Haruhi's mind!

So please, keep reading and Review!