A bit of a filler chapter but you know how it is, hope you still like it.

LaurenKnight: I really think that a lot of people have those moments where they might even scare themselves with thoughts like that but most of us are either afraid to admit it or just pretend it never happened. It takes guts to reflect on thoughts like that, and I can relate to certain aspects of characters too, which is always wonderful to see a piece of yourself represented somehow. Thank you for reading.

Silence between us turned to comfort. She was an easy way out, the only way out right now. So we lay side by side on my bed. She refused to wear the pajamas I'd offered her, instead she kept on her jeans and t-shirt. She said she felt perfect the way she was. Then she laughed and said figuratively of course. "So out there at the park…" I started. I didn't finish, that seemed to be a reoccurring theme when I spoke to her. Saying anything for sure was a maze of complex emotions that I found impossible to face.

"Can we not talk about that?" She asked quietly. I looked over at her and she was still staring at the ceiling.

"We have to. Why else are we here?"

"Not that." She whispered. She rolled over onto her stomach and kicked her shoes off the edge of my bed. She looked at me intensely like she wanted to say something. "This place is fucking dope, if this was my place I'd never leave." She smiled and looked around again. "This must be what superheroes feel like."

"What on earth are you talking about?" I asked nudging her shoulder.

"You know when they're like…saving the world. They fight like every day to save the earth and I always wondered why that was. I mean why save such a shithole of a planet, right? But…" Her eyes lit up a little. "Looking around here I get it. They're saving the place they call home. It all makes sense."

"Tell me how to see the world like that. Open my eyes, please." She smiled and rolled back over on her back.

"I can't." She said confidently. "You have to do that all on your own, but if you ever went down that road then I'd blame myself. Which would suck big time." I nodded, that was an answer I could accept. I was learning that by spending more time with her it had become so easy for me to just accept everything she said. She was cracking my world wide open. "So I know you wanted to talk about other stuff but…thank you for inviting me over. It actually uh…means a lot to me."

"No problem." I looked over at her and smiled, she smiled back. "What?"

"I don't know. I'm just thinking." She confessed. "A lot actually."

"About?"

"What would I be like if I'd kept my head on straight? Would I not be flunking math…or maybe I'd have a dog or something. Maybe I'd even be boring-."

"Don't speculate. We are who we are and we should always believe that this is what we're meant to be otherwise the guilt will kill us." I told her. "And maybe it'll take us our whole lives to forgive ourselves for who were are but eventually we have to. Eventually everyone does."

"Our whole lives? That's our forever, you're the brave one." Santana closed her eyes and for a moment I thought she was going to sleep. Then she spoke again. "And whoever is patient and forgiving, these most surely are actions due to courage."

"Wow that sounds…so beautiful."

"It's from the Quran." She whispered. Her eyes were still closed. I sat up not knowing exactly what to say.

"You have to explain or I'll be asking questions all night." I said.

"I actually wouldn't mind that. I like most of your questions." She said sitting up to. "But I'll just tell you instead of making you work for it." She tucked her hair back behind her ear. "After my parents died I was floating through life like a chicken with its' head cut off. I picked up the Quran one day and I dunno…the words just worked for me."

"You're a Muslim?" I asked her.

"No. I never got to convert…I was going to but now, I sure as hell can't. Being on drugs and all, it wouldn't be right. But sometimes I pray, occasionally." I opened my mouth to say something but closed it when I realized that she wanted to say more. "No one knows except you. So if you're gonna judge me, judge me for doing drugs not for this."

"I don't judge you for either. I'm just surprised is all." I told her truthfully. "But you seem to always have that effect on me."

"Is that a good or great thing?" She joked.

"Great. No doubt." She rolled onto her side and rested her head on my pillow. "Tired?"

"Yeah." She said with a yawn. "I'll see you in the morning?"

"Of course, where else would I go?"

"I don't know, I'm just used to people leaving me alone. Sorry." She rolled onto her side away from me and got under the covers. I slid under the covers too. I draped my arm over her stomach, and surprisingly she didn't push me away.

"I'll be right here."

At school, everything seemed to change. Slowly but surely. When I found myself in the locker room after last period gym with Brittany Pierce, I knew somehow this was planned. She usually rushed to go get changed for cheerleading practice but she was taking her time right now. And I noticed. "Rough gym class, huh?" She said with a small smile on her face. I noticed that she was always smiling in some form, always.

"Far too much running. And Clark shouldn't have thrown that dodge ball at Brett's head that hard." I said as I pulled back on my plaid skirt. "So how's dance going?"

"Good actually, you've been kind of quick to leave recently though. Is everything alright?" Brittany asked. I couldn't tell if she was just testing me or if she really wanted to know. "I mean with you hanging out with Santana and all recently…"

"I'm not sure what you want to say about that. I'm not sure what I should say." I told her honestly. She nodded, we were both fumbling with our shoes, like we needed to focus on something other than the conversation we were having. "I'm tutoring her…and I guess we're kind of friend now."

"So you know about her whole…deal?" I wasn't sure what she meant. We looked at one another for the first time during the whole conversation. "The drugs, I mean."

"I know and it's okay." I told her.

"Just the fact that you said it's okay lets me know that you really have no clue how bad it is." Brittany started. "Look, I don't want to scare you but her habit can get really dark sometimes. You should just be aware. Whatever she does when she's high…that's not her."

"I didn't realize you two were this close." I managed to say.

"Our friendship was an accident. I found her high off her ass at a party one night. Madness ensued." Brittany smiled. "I'm happy she's opened up to you. If you need anything or something happens and you don't know what to do, call me, okay?" I nodded.

"You're really sweet."

"You are too." Brittany hustled off to cheer practice but I stayed in the locker room. I don't know how long I was just sitting there pondering what Brittany had said, but before I knew it Santana was sitting down next to me.

"You plan on spending the night here?" She asked playfully. "I guess we could bring in some blankets. Steal a TV from the history room. Raid the cafeteria for food or something."

"Sounds enticing."

"Well then come on, let's do it." Santana jumped up and grabbed my hands. "But this is the limit to our illegal activities…today." She led the way out of the locker room. "Oh and we can only break the law after your dance class." We stopped at our lockers and grabbed our things, or rather, I did. She went to her locker and grabbed her lighter, some tea, and her pencil carrier. As we were heading to her car two cheerleaders approached Santana quickly.

"Hey." Her name was Emily, or Emma. I wasn't actually sure. "I heard from a few jocks that you might have some pot or something. Could I buy?"

"Uh…" Santana looked over at me. "No."

"Hold on, why not?" Emily took a step closer to Santana and ran her finger down her forearm. "Are you holding out on me?"

"Look…maybe some other time. I gotta go." Santana looked over the car at me and smiled. "You ready Rachel?"

"Yeah." We got in the car and the two cheerleaders headed off towards the football field. I could tell right away that Santana just wanted to ignore the whole thing, I wasn't going to let her off that easily. "Those some new friends of yours?"

"Hardly. Rich boring popular girls who are trying to have a good time don't interest me." Santana backed up and started heading for the studio. "Right now you're the only thing that interests me."

"Me and getting high?"

"Well yeah." She chuckled. "Speaking off I gotta drop you off after your class cause I gotta get back to my place."

"I don't mind if you…use while I'm around. I'll stay over at your place tonight." Santana looked over at me, like she was checking if I was serious or not. I was. Brittany was right earlier, I didn't know much about what Santana was like when she was high. If I was going to be around her like this then I should know.

"You don't want to be with me when I'll like that-."

"I've seen you high before-."

"No you haven't. I was coming down then, tonight will be different." She pulled up at the front of the studio and unlocked the doors. "Kick ass in there."

"It's ballet, I doubt there will be ass kicking of any kind."

"You never know." She joked. "See you soon, I'll be waiting out here."

I was exhausted after dance and even though Santana was making fun of me the whole time I was still enjoying being at her apartment. "You know that's a pull out couch, right?" She asked. I stood up and Santana pulled out the couch and reveled a full sized bed. She went around her apartment getting pillows and blankets and throwing them on the bed. "We're gonna be crazy comfortable tonight."

"It looks like one of those massive pillow forts I used to make when I was a little kid." I laid down on the bed and Santana went for her backpack. She pulled out her pencil case and was about to head for the bathroom when I stopped her. "You can do that out here."

"No way. Give me a second." She headed into the bathroom and closed the door. I rested my eyes for a while and waited. I couldn't hear a thing, I didn't even hear movement until she plopped down next to me. Her eyes were dilated, her breathing was slower, but that smile that played on her lips remained. "I should sleep."

"Can't you stay up?" I could tell that she was already fading. Her words can out slowly, she was forcing herself to stay up right now. "Kiss me."

"What…you serious? Did you happen to sneak in some brownies from my fridge while I was in there?" I laughed and wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her closer to me. "What's going on here?"

"You told me I was beautiful when I was drunk, now I want to kiss you while you're high."

"So our fucked up relationship can be even more…fucked?"

"Yeah." I replied. "I mean where else would this be headed?"

"I dunno. Trips to the mall, picnics…maybe a trip to Cedar Point. You know, friend stuff." She closed her eyes and inhaled leaning closer to me. "But right now you could tell me to fly to the moon and I'd want to do it so-." Her lips were dry but not harsh. And even so I was surprised she actually kissed me, even if I asked her to. She was oddly tame, she didn't even wrap her arms around me she just kept kissing me.

It took a while for me to pull back and even when I did she kept her eyes closed. "You okay?" I whispered.

"Perfect." She said and then chuckled to herself. "Not literally of course but…" She wrapped her arms around my body and pulled me closer to her. "Right now? Yeah, I'm perfect."