Chapter 7
The chances of me owning either band or TV show, let alone both, are the same chances that purple plot hippopotami exist. Enough said?
'I'd chime in with a 'Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?'
Callen chuckled softly as he sent the text message to Deeks.
'What's so funny?' Sam asked, peering over the top of his laptop.
'Oh, just a text,' Callen said.
'Uh huh.'
Callen was quiet for a moment, watching Sam complete his paperwork, before asking, 'Is it just me, or is there something between Kensi and Deeks?'
'There's always been something between Kensi and Deeks. It's widely known as the "thing". Where have you been the last year or so?' Sam asked, grinning widely at him.
'I've been right here,' Callen assured his partner. 'I'm the one that's been saving your ass.'
Sam snorted. 'Is that what you call it?'
Callen sighed before returning to the original topic. 'But, is it a thing or a thing?'
'Well, what sort of thing?' Sam asked.
'Is it a romantic sort of thing, or a friendly thing, or a totally indifferent thing?' Callen questioned idly.
Sam blinked at him. 'I think that we can agree that they aren't indifferent. There is definitely something there.'
'And I think that we can agree that there is tension between them,' Callen nodded.
'Yup,' Sam agreed. 'And sometimes I think that Deeks is that close to doing something stupidly brave because of his so-called non-existent feelings for her.'
'He has done some stupidly brave things because of his so-called non-existent feelings for her,' Callen chuckled.
Sam frowned. 'Have we been watching the same Densi?'
'The time outside the hospital. He was barely out of surgery when he ran down three flights of stairs to save her from Vakar.' Callen referred to the time when Deeks was shot in an effort to get to his partner.
'He did rip open his stitches and risk collapsing a lung,' Sam allowed.
'Risk? He almost did. Kensi was damn well ready to kill him when she found that out.'
'Which suggests that there are some feelings on her side as well,' Sam said.
'Well, did you see her on the Sanders/Martindale case?' Callen asked. 'When Deeks locked lips with the other woman, well, I thought that Kensi was either gonna slug Deeks when he got out of that interrogation room or pull her gun and shoot him. As it was, I found her that night in a crummy little bar drowning her sorrows in shots of tequila. I ended up taking her home after she got so hammered that she slugged a guy three times in the face and then stepped, stepped on the guy's balls because he groped her ass. She would've shot him except I confiscated her weapon after the third round.'
Sam chuckled wryly. 'Anyone else think that she wasn't seeing the guy's face, but Deeks'?'
'I think it helped that the guy was blonde, blue eyed and had a sort of surfer-dude vibe,' Callen laughed.
Suddenly, the heavenly scent of doughnuts wafted into the bullpen and gave Sam and Callen fair warning that Kensi and Deeks were about to enter their gossip session.
'Densi returns!' Callen called as Kensi and Deeks entered the bullpen. Deeks was holding a large white pastry box, and he offered it to both men, revealing large, tasty-looking doughnuts.
'How did you know that we were getting hungry?' Sam asked, taking a jam and cream filled one.
'Hunch,' Deeks said airily.
'More like the fact that your stomach started grumbling so loudly that I could hear it over the stereo,' Kensi shot back, grinning at her partner as she put her weapon away in her desk drawer.
'I thought that that was yours,' Deeks said to her, smiling broadly.
'Maybe it was both at once,' Kensi quipped, taking a doughnut from the box and consuming it in three bites.
'Slow down, there,' Deeks said, grinning at her. 'Take the time to enjoy it, Kens.'
'I'm starving,' Kensi protested, taking another and eating it in a few more bites.
Deeks shook his head. 'I don't know why I try.'
'I don't know either. Give up,' Kensi advised him.
'Oh, Fern,' Deeks sighed. 'You're the reason I never give up.' He smiled at her, a sweet smile that was somewhat out of context considering the conversation, and Sam and Callen exchanged a confused glance.
'So, what's been happening here?' Kensi asked, leaning back in her seat and luxuriously sipping her coffee.
'Nothing much,' Sam said to them. 'We've been waiting for Nell and Eric to come up with something, anything helpful, but there's nothing so far.'
'Nothing?' Deeks asked, sounding surprised. 'But this is Nell and Eric we're talking about here. They've always got something.'
'Not this time, apparently,' Callen sighed, sipping his coffee.
Suddenly, Eric appeared on the staircase. 'We've got something,' he singsonged, grinning at them.
'He's been developing ESP,' Callen said, shaking his head. 'No doubt about it. It's definitely telepathy.'
Deeks grinned. 'Maybe it's crystals. Or maybe he's been consulting one of those online psychic consultants?'
'Shut up, Deeks,' Kensi said, passing him with a doughnut in one hand and her coffee in the other.
'You can't take those up into Ops!' Deeks called after her.
Kensi groaned and turned back, quickly eating the doughnut and washing it down with her piping hot coffee without a wince.
'How can you do that?' Deeks asked his partner, following her through the automatic sliding doors.
'Do what?' Kensi asked, turning to him with nonchalance.
'Drink all of that coffee. It was still basically boiling,' Deeks replied. 'It was a full mug.'
'I guess I've just evolved,' Kensi grinned at him before leaving him behind on the stairs.
Deeks sighed and looked at the other men. 'You do know that you've left me partnered with a psychopath, right? I'm even starting to miss Sam.'
Callen chuckled. 'You can have him, if I get Kens. She's a lot better to look at.'
Deeks nodded. 'There is that, but at least Sam's sane.'
Callen thought about it for a moment. 'Now, there is a dilemma. Do you choose the sane one, or the pretty one?'
'Gee, Callen, I didn't know you felt about Sam in that way,' Kensi said, grinning at them as she came into the conversation at the wrong moment.
'Aw, Kens, you know that you're the pretty one here,' Deeks said to her. 'You and Nell.'
'What about Hetty?' Callen asked, watching as Hetty quietly approached Deeks from behind.
Deeks thought about it for a moment, biting his bottom lip in a way that made Kensi want to vault over the centre console and kiss him so much that he'd wonder if his tonsils were still in place. 'Hetty's… mysterious, and she's kinda… regal, like a queen, or something. Like even though she might never be the prettiest woman in the room, but she'll be the one that demands the most respect, and that means a lot too.'
Kensi, Callen and Sam watched for a moment as Hetty processed this speech, and then waited for the fireworks.
Which never came.
'Thank you, Mr Deeks.' There was a tone in Hetty's voice that was rarely there, a tone that suggested that there was some humanity in Hetty; that suggested that she wasn't all ninja warrior and marionette, chess player master.
Deeks jumped before groaning. 'Jeez, Hetty. Can you not do that?'
She smiled and patted him on the arm. 'Why would I want to lose my advantage of surprise, Mr Deeks? Mr Beale, Miss Jones, if you could?'
'Well, at the crime scene, Rose told Deeks that her best guess for cause of death was poisoning, right?' Eric asked.
'Yeah,' Deeks confirmed slowly.
'We think we know what he could've been poisoned with,' Nell said, virtually bouncing.
'Formaldehyde.' Eric beamed at the bemused agents and detective.
'Excuse me?' Callen asked.
'We think he could've been poisoned with formaldehyde,' Nell clarified.
Sam blinked. 'When exactly did you get your degrees in pathology and toxicology?'
'We didn't, that's why we're waiting for Rose to confirm,' Eric said.
Deeks shook his head. 'No, explain it again. Why do you think that he was poisoned with formaldehyde?'
'Well, this was a premeditated murder. I mean, he wasn't bashed over the head with a vase, or something. And if it were premeditated, formaldehyde would be a very symbolic way of murdering him,' Nell informed them.
'I still feel like we're missing something,' Kensi said. She paused. 'Hang on… Deeks, is this how you feel all of the time?' She took in Hetty's look. 'Sorry. Inappropriate question. Appropriate question; why would it be symbolic?'
'Staff Sergeant Gould volunteered at the local museum. He specialised in taxidermy.'
'Taxidermy? Stuffing dead animals?' Deeks asked, frowning.
'Preserving dead animals,' Eric corrected him. 'They use formaldehyde to preserve them, too.'
'You think that he was killed over taxidermy?' Callen asked sceptically.
Nell shrugged. 'He could've been, and you guys always say to cover all the bases, so, we are.'
Callen sighed and looked at Sam. 'We do say that, don't we?'
Sam nodded.
'So, who gets the exciting fieldtrip to the museum to talk to the people who volunteered with the Staff Sergeant?' Deeks asked dryly.
Immediately, Callen and Sam pointed at Kensi and Deeks, and Kensi and Deeks pointed at Callen and Sam.
'We find ourselves in a stalemate,' Deeks said, narrowing his eyes at the older agents.
'Not at all,' Callen said lightly. 'We're pulling seniority. Bye, Densi. Have fun.'
'Hetty!' Kensi appealed to the older woman.
Hetty looked at Kensi inscrutably before pausing and nodding. 'Mr Callen, Mr Hanna, you'll be taking this one.'
'But Hetty-'
'Buts are for goats, Mr Callen. Off you go. I need to check on Mr Deeks' head wound.'
Kensi blushed bright red, which Deeks took on an immediately unassuming air as the senior agents stared daggers at him before leaving in a cloud of grumbles.
'Thanks, Hetty,' Deeks sighed as soon as Callen and Sam were out of earshot.
'I was serious about that, Mr Deeks,' Hetty said seriously.
Deeks' mouth dropped open a little. 'Oh. Really?'
'Really,' Hetty confirmed, shepherding the other two agents out of the OPS Centre and into the bullpen, where she pointed Deeks into a chair. Kensi sheepishly slunk out of the room muttering something about an appointment with the punching bag.
Deeks watched her go before turning to Hetty with a sheepish grin on his face. 'So, what's the verdict, Hetty?' he asked, wincing as she pressed a cold compress to his slightly swelling, purpled forehead.
'I believe you'll live,' she replied with a wry smile. 'It'll hurt like hell for a few days, and you're gonna have a pounding headache tomorrow morning, but I don't think your life is in any true danger.'
'Unless I piss her off again.'
'Unless you piss her off again,' Hetty agreed. 'If I might ask, what set this off in the first place?'
Deeks sighed heavily. 'Well, she… I… Actually, it started with my sister.'
'Your sister?' Hetty asked, frowning.
'She's getting married soon. I only found out… this morning. Wow. It feels like forever since I found that out, but it's only been a few hours.'
'Congratulations,' Hetty murmured, pushing his hair back off of his forehead to check the mottled skin.
'And then the case turned out to have a wedding connection, which led Kensi and me-'
'Kensi and I,' Hetty quietly corrected.
'Sorry, Kensi and I to have a little… discussion on marriage, which, as always, turned into an argument.'
'As it always seems to do so with you two.'
'And it kinda just escalated, I guess. It probably doesn't help that it's her-'
'Parent's wedding anniversary,' Hetty interrupted again.
'You know everything, don't you?' Deeks asked her with an exasperated look.
'Not quite, Mr Deeks.'
'I wish you'd tell me why you partnered me and Kensi up.'
'Kensi and I.'
'Sorry.'
Hetty was silent for a moment as she checked for a concussion, before saying, 'You're the very essence of yin and yang.'
Deeks snorted. 'We figured that one out, Hetty. And you know that old saying, opposites attract? They don't. I push and she pulls. I say yes and she says no. I open up and she closes down. One minute she blows hot and the next it's cold shoulder.'
'Mixing your metaphors, Mr Deeks.'
'Hetty. Stop correcting my grammar and tell me something useful, please.'
'Kensi, before you came along, was living the very essence of an unhealthy life.'
'You mean eating crap and exercising too much? She's done that ever since I've known her, and she shows no signs of letting up.'
'I don't just mean physically unhealthy. Emotionally and spiritually, she's broken.'
'Again, you don't have to tell me that.'
'Not just in the ways that you know her, Marty.'
Deeks glanced warily at Hetty as she settled herself in the armchair opposite him.
'Every second morning I would watch as she staggered into the bullpen at the crack of dawn, still in the most obscene and absolutely inappropriate dress I'd ever seen before collecting a more appropriate outfit from the wardrobe and making herself decent for her teammates to see her. And every other morning, the only trace of her restless night would be her eyes, still puffy and bloodshot from crying herself into a disturbed and unhealthy sleep.'
Deeks heard this in absolute silence, and only when he was sure that she'd finished did he try to open his mouth. 'Oh.'
'She needed someone. Specifically, someone like you.'
Deeks looked around, almost to make sure that it was him that she was talking to. 'Me?' he asked, pointing to his chest.
'You know what you were saying about her doing to opposite of what you did? That was exactly true as to what happened in her dating life. She dated men who were almost severely serious. Very handsome, very nice men, but they didn't know how to have fun. They were very much like her. Too much like her. Too much for it to mean anything.' Hetty let out a small sigh and looked down at her hands. 'I believe that's why her relationship with Jack didn't work out as well as anyone had hoped.'
Deeks stared at her. 'Because he was too much like her?'
'He didn't start out that way. No. I read reports on Kensi's Jack almost immediately after she applied to become an NCIS agent. Before Fallujah, Jack was reported to be very much like you, Mr Deeks.'
Deeks gaped at her. 'Me?'
'To be sure, he didn't look like you in the least, dark, clean-shaven, well-presented.'
Deeks opened his mouth to object, but Hetty stopped him with a look.
'But his personality… He was the clown in his unit. Always making jokes, playing games, hiding behind this mask of joviality, forever trying to lighten the mood. Sound familiar?'
Deeks slowly nodded. 'And after Fallujah?'
Hetty smiled. 'I think that… if Jack had never gone to Fallujah, he and Kensi would be very happily married right about now. But fate stepped in.'
Deeks snorted.
'What?' Hetty asked.
'I'm sorry, it's just that that sounds very much like a discussion that Kensi and I had earlier, in the car.'
Hetty smiled. 'I wouldn't be surprised if it was.'
Deeks sighed. 'But what do I do, Hetty?'
'You'll realise it when the time is right, Mr Deeks.'
Deeks sighed. 'It seems that with us, the time is never right.'
'There is always a right time for everything, Marty.'
'Sounds like the right time for me to interrupt.' Kensi's bright voice interrupted their conversation, and Hetty smiled at him before patting him on the knee and getting up.
'Will he make it, Hetty?' Kensi asked, a smile on her face
'I believe he will, with a little TLC,' Hetty replied. 'You really must learn to take better care of your partners, Miss Blye.'
Kensi grinned sheepishly. 'Sorry, Hetty.'
'It's not me you should be apologising to.' Hetty gathered up her things and walked away.
'I guess she's right. Sorry, Deeks.'
Deeks shrugged. 'It's cool. We're good, right?'
'Sure.'
'So… you wanna give me some of that TLC that Hetty prescribed?'
Kensi rolled her eyes. 'Oh, Deeks.'
…
I think poor old Deeks is due some TLC, seeing as I've burnt him, sprained his ankle (See "The Ballad Of Mona Lisa", my previous story) and now bashed his head in. I think I'm starting to come around to Maxie Kay's view that Deeks does maim beautifully. And no-one can deny that he looks amazing wrapped in bandages in a hospital bed.
Tell me what you think in a review.
Also, I'm very sorry that this story is taking so long. When I started it, I was in Year 10 at school, and it was easy. However, now, I'm in Year 11, and it's so hard. I've got, like, zero time to write, and it's kinda killing me. So, ten million apologies.
Also, I've somehow become involved in a model UN debate at school, and my partner (who's red headed and has a leprechaun costume) somehow managed to get us Ireland as our assigned country. I know nothing about Ireland. So if there's anybody out there, reading this, that knows anything about Ireland (there has to be some Irish people reading this, right?) please PM me.
XD PurpleHipposRock
