Adagissimo e Pianissimo

Gallifrey, the Alternate Universe, the present

The Doctor crouched on his knees in the long red grass of Gallifrey, a universe away from his beloved, hunched over with his arms wrapped around his head almost buried in the ground, screaming. He screamed her name, over and over, until his voice gave out, and still he screamed, soundlessly, rocking back and forth. With all the long hell he had just lived through, then climbing slowly back up from the abyss with Rose's help on their recent "honeymoon", he was utterly unable to process or accept her having been ripped away from him like that: gone so completely from mind and body in an instant.

Corin and Jenny had crawled over to him, one on each side, holding him between them, until at long last the wrenching spasms ended. When he finally went limp, they stood and pulled him up together, slowly walking him back into the TARDIS and down the corridors to his own room. He fell onto his bed and lay there, face buried in his pillow, as if he'd never move again.

Jenny turned and sadly walked back to the control room to get more readings, if she could, leaving Corin alone in the Doctor's room. He stared around him, realizing the depths of his twin's long, despairing obsession, during those twelve endless years traveling with Jenny before he had hopped unknowingly back into the alternate universe and been reunited with his lost love.

Just as the Doctor, as the amnesiac human John Smith hiding from the Family of Blood, had filled a notebook with words and images from the dreams he continued to have of his real life, the Doctor had filled his room with memories of Rose. All the bits and pieces she'd left behind in the TARDIS had been collected here, the little mementos and personal belongings strewn across the various surfaces. Even the clothes she'd worn had been gathered – her pink fifties "Elvis-watching" dress hung from hook in the corner, and her Union Jack t-shirt that had so captivated Jack Harkness had been turned into the Doctor's pillowcase.

But more, her image was on every wall. The Doctor had long had the quirky habit of drawing or painting people from his life on the walls of his room – if one looked long enough, one could find every companion who had ever traveled with the Doctor represented. Now every space which had been blank in Corin's last memory of this room had been filled in with a different view of a particular blonde, in every mood from laughing to angry. And across from the bed, where a large bureau (now removed) had previously taken up most of the wall, that surface had been painted over with one large, incredibly vivid image of Rose on the beach – that beach – gazing at the onlooker through pain-drenched eyes, tear tracks on her face. And scrawled across the coral wall above in blood-red letters was a cry from deep within the Doctor's tortured soul: How could I have left you? How can you not be here? All I am is shards of pain – no light, no heat, no sound. Nothing exists but the echo of your name.

Corin shook his head, slowly. He turned and looked again at the Doctor's head buried in the flag shirt. "You thought you could escape it, didn't you?" he whispered. "All those centuries, always running away from love. You pick it up when it's offered, enjoy it for a day or a year, and then run before they crawl too deep inside. Until you met the one you couldn't run from – but you discovered that too late. Too late."

He'd thought the Doctor was asleep, but his hoarse whisper came from the pillow. "I can't do it again. I won't survive losing her again. I can't breathe..."

Corin did the only thing he could. He lightly rested his hand on his twin's hair, and reached out with his mind, smoothing the other's conscious mind under the edge of unaccustomed slumber. He nudged until he knew the Doctor was too far under for dreams, then softly withdrew. He reached for the TARDIS's mind, asking her to keep her pilot under, dreamlessly, for several hours, till he'd slept himself out. Then he left the room, closing the door gently behind him.

^..^

The Doctor drifted slowly up to consciousness again, hearing the soft, hypnotic buzz of the TARDIS fade away. He knew she'd been helping him sleep. He reached automatically for his bondmate's mind, as he always did, and the raw aching emptiness of that corner of his mind burst upon him at the same instant the memories did. He cried out, wordlessly, and felt the TARDIS's awareness instantly return to him, humming again, trying to soothe him.

He lashed out at her, angrily, rejecting her comfort. She hummed again, even stronger, a thread of hope joining the weave of her mental melodies.

*Hope?!* His mental voice broke into words, harsh and despairing. *How can you offer me hope?* A Jenny-flavored thread wove through his mind in response – and then the scents of gentle chiding, and untried possibilities.

He lay still for several long moments, as her soft assault relaxed his clenched mind, and he let himself be soothed just the tiniest bit. *OK. I'll try. There's got to be something we can try.* She chirped approvingly, and then faded out with a last, almost physical nudge to get up, accompanied by the scent of soap. He grimaced and complied, stumbling first to the shower before finding some clean clothes.

He followed his nose to the TARDIS kitchen, finding the strong Carderian coffee Jenny preferred – and had influenced him over the years into liking, too – waiting in the pot. He poured himself a big mug of it and doctored it properly with just the right amount of sugar and a dash of Peruvian chili powder, then set off in search of his daughter and his twin. No sign of them in the library or the other common rooms, or the control room. He was about to check the situation on the monitor when he noticed the front door was hanging open, so he took the invitation and walked out, expecting to step back onto Gallifrey.

Instead, he found himself on the familiar Italian tile in the front hall of the Tyler mansion. He glanced up – yes, the blasted portrait of his twin and Rose was still hanging on the wall – and quickly looked away again, trying to dodge the stabbing pain at their happy faces. He almost succeeded, as he whirled towards the door on the opposite side of the hall, hearing voices coming from the room beyond.

He stepped through into the living room, finding Jenny, Corin, and Rose sitting on the couches, talking – and this time he wasn't able to dodge the sight of the other version of his bondmate, snuggled up so closely to her husband's side. He gasped, drawing their attention, and hunched over slightly, trying to breathe.

Rose realized instantly that it was her presence which had caused his reaction. She pushed aside her own pain for her son, and stood. "I'm sorry. I should leave." She turned to walk out, but he put out a hand and stopped her.

"No. Please stay. Please..." You may be the only piece of her I have left. He didn't say it aloud, but she caught it from his look, and slowly nodded, sadly. She sat down again next to Corin, while the Doctor forced himself to walk over and sit beside Jenny on the opposite couch. "Well?" he asked his daughter.

Jenny took a deep breath, and spoke gently but matter-of-fact. "The crack was sealed completely – not even a residual trace. We tried jumping back a few minutes, but the TARDIS couldn't land while it was open – it had only opened twice for a few seconds each, and either we – or the baby TARDIS – were right there at the time, so the paradox shield kept us off. We stayed for a while, but the crack never reappeared, nor could the TARDIS latch on to any readings to guess what created it, or how to open another one.

"The only thing we can do at this point is go back through the rabbit hole in John's time into our own universe and try from there. I'm sorry, Dad. I've tried everything I can think of, but there's just nothing we can do from this side." She laid her hand on his arm, gently pleading – for what, she wasn't quite sure.

He patted her hand briefly, then rubbed his face, trying to think of something to try. There was nothing. Finally, he nodded, accepting her verdict. He looked across at the other couple, managing not to flinch again at the sight, managing not to stare at Rose. "And you?" he asked simply.

Instead, it was they who flinched, both of them dropping their gazes to their laps, then at each other. Corin turned his tormented eyes back to the Doctor. "I can't go with you. I can't... Our lives are here, now." He looked down for a moment again, forcing himself to take a deep breath. "Doctor... He's your son, more than mine. He's a Time Lord. Two hearts. All the mental and psychic abilities. All." He stopped, blinking back tears. "I should have called you back years ago, but I couldn't. I kept hanging on." Beside him, Rose wasn't trying to hold her tears back, though she managed to stifle her sobs. He went on, "This is my fault. I held on too long. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Now..." He took another deep breath, visibly shifting gears, trying to be positive. "Find him... and... keep him with you. Raise him and teach him right. I did my best, teaching him all I could, but... I'm not fully Time Lord any more. He's yours."

Tears streaming, Rose made herself look at the Doctor again. "And someday, if you can... send him back to us."

Stunned, all the Doctor could do was nod.

Jenny looked at her dad. When he turned to her, she said, softly, "Let's go."

He nodded again. "Yeah."

They all stood up, looking at each other awkwardly, tragically. Rose whispered, "I just wish there was some way you could let us know... Some way of sending a message."

"A message.. a message!" The Doctor snapped his fingers, eyes lighting. "Stay right there!" He ran back into the TARDIS, the others ignoring his order and following, mystified, even Corin. The Doctor rummaged around under the control room floor grates for several minutes, then snapped his fingers again, remembering where he'd put the item he was searching for. He ran to his own room, grabbed it out of a bottom drawer, then back to the control room.

"Remember this?" he asked Corin, showing him a small red crystal set into an intricate matrix of golden wires.

Corin peered at it, confused, then his face cleared. "The Devorian crystal!"

"Right." The Doctor turned to Rose. "Back when you were first trapped here, and I was trying to think of a way to send you a message, I came up with this, but it couldn't work – 'cause I had no way of sending it to you. It's a simple receiver, nothing fancy. Won't even receive anything more complicated than a single pulse. But it will receive that." He gently picked up her hand, placing the crystal carefully into her palm and closing her fingers over it. He held her hand in both of his for a moment, looking into her eyes.

"When this crystal glows, you'll know he's safe."