April 6, 2007
Meryl felt like she had to say something. She had been watching Dave in almost total silence for the past few weeks nearly drink himself into oblivion. Talking between them could be compared to a trip to the doctor: Unpleasant and something they did only if they had to. But watching him pour another glass full suddenly inspired words in her that she couldn't hold back.
"Could you please not do that, Dave? I can't watch you anymore."
He slowly looked at her with a look she didn't recognize to belong to him.
"Then look away," he said between a long blink, "I'm sure you won't be able to see it from Arizona."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you're there so much that I didn't think you even noticed me anymore."
Meryl's body untensed and she took the chair across from him. "That's not true. I know I've been away a lot lately but, I still care about you. That hasn't changed one bit."
Dave's hand quickly snatched away when she put it on top of his. Frustration quickly settled in her eyes. "What do you want from me, Dave? I go away, you complain. I stay and all we do is fight. Nothing I do is ever good enough or works and I feel like I'm starting to run out of options."
"Run out of options? What happens if you do?"
Meryl sighed deeply, "I can't do this on my own. I can't fix us by myself."
"But, you're not doing it by yourself. You have Roy right there to remind you of what a terrible person I am."
"Dave, what are you babbling about? Even if I told my father anything about our relationship, which I don't, he'd still think nothing but the best of you. As far as he knows, I fly there to see him so much because I hate being home alone while you're on your dog sled races. Look, you're drunk. How about we just talk about this in morning once you've sobered up?"
"I bet you'll have a full report for Roy in the morning too. He'll continue to tell you how I'm such a drunk loser and how you're so perfect and good."
Meryl's frustration turned to barely sympathetic confusion.
"Where is this coming from? You're not making any kind of sense."
Dave rose to his feet and started unsteady and off balanced toward a stash cabinet behind the sofa where he usually remembered to open up when she wasn't in the room at his more sober times. She grabbed his arm and turned him sharply to face her.
"What the hell's going on with you?" She demanded
He caught his balance before speaking, "I'm trying to be as flawless as you, Meryl."
"Don't do that," Meryl scorned his tone, "Don't be a dick about this."
"I guess that's what I am now to someone as perfect as you."
"What does that even mean, Dave?! I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be."
"Sure you are. You don't drink, you don't smoke, and you live your life like you've never done a single bad thing. And then you sit back and look at me like I'm the scum of all creation."
She folded her arms in front of her. "So that's what this is about? You feel I think I'm better than you for not living every day of my life in my past like you do? Is that it?"
"You haven't seen evil, Meryl! By the time you were killing your first real person at Shadow Moses, I was already a seasoned veteran. You have no idea what I've been through."
"You're exactly right, Dave and God, I know I couldn't handle half of what you've lived through even at my strongest hour. I haven't forgotten about what happened to me, I just don't let it dictate my life. You don't have to live like that either. It's not fair to yourself."
"There is no such thing as fair on the battlefield."
"We're not on a battlefield, Dave! This is your life and it's happening without you! Look around; it's been us for the past two years. Me and you." Meryl pulled Dave's wobbling body to her and put her forehead to his, "No secret nuclear weapons disposal facilities or torture devices. Just us. You don't ever have to go back to the battlefield if you don't want to."
Dave closed his eyes.
"I feel like I'm losing it, Meryl."
"You're not losing it."
"If you don't want to stick around, I understand."
"Stop talking like that. You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me."
"I think you should go to Arizona for a while."
"What?" Meryl pulled back to confirm what she'd heard in his eyes. "Why?"
"I have a lot of stuff to go over in my head and I think I should do it alone."
"Don't push me away, Dave."
"No, I'm doing this so that I never push you away again."
"Well, how long do you want me gone for?"
He flinched slightly at her wording and shrugged, "I don't know but just trust me on this, okay?"
Meryl pulled off a smile she wouldn't have sold to a blind man through the burning developing in her eyes and nodded.
"Okay."
