A/N: ...wooaah. I told I wouldn't update this or anything before my exam week is over but things happened - I had a horrible night with nightmares and not too much sleep and when the clock was 8 am I got a HUGE inspiration for this. So I woke up, sat down and wrote this chapter to the end. And actually... I kinda like it. hih.
This chapter is pretty different compared to the other chapters. This has some FLUFF (omg) and deep thoughts. Like, let me summarize this chapter: deep conversations and tears and kisses. yay.
Yeah. I'll babble some more at the end of the chapter so you don't have to read these and so on. So... please (try to) enjoy~
Think happy thoughts - Chapter 6
"Tino did wha'?" It was early Sunday afternoon, and a weak shade of light tried to make its way inside the windows, failing perfectly. Earlier that day Lukas walked Tino home and called Mathias, telling everything what happened to the Finn last night. Mathias wanted to meet, so he told Berwald to come to the city center and now they were sitting at a table in a McDonald's, a large serving of fries in front of them. Lukas sighed and kept his eyes down, he was way too ashamed to look at his friends.
"Lukas, you did nothing wrong." The Norwegian glanced his Danish friend and sighed again.
"They seemed to be worried. Tino's parents, I mean. I... I didn't talk with them, I just left when I was sure that Tino was safe. But they didn't know anything, it was a shock to them. And I shocked them by telling!" Berwald and Mathias changed a tired look and the Swedish boy sighed. They looked how Lukas picked up one fry, stared at it and then ate it.
"Lukas, we know you are the one who is shocked now. You're really worried about Tino, and it's understandable."
"I am not shocked!"
"Lukas, you ate a fry." Mathias said, referring to the fact that the Norwegian never ate fast food.
After a short silence Mathias sighed and gently touched Lukas' cold fingers with his own. "You did the right thing. If Tino's parents didn't know, it's good they know now. They love Tino over anything, and they'll do their everything to get some professional help to him. You know it. Last night was hard, but you made through it and you did exactly what you needed to do. Don't blame yourself, really. Lukas, look at me. Tino isn't mad at you and his parents are happy you told them", Mathias said and fought against the urge to hug Lukas over the table. There were tears behind the Norwegian's eyes, and he did his best to not let them fall.
"Things l'ke th't happens, but Tino is 'live now and he will g't some help", Berwald said and Mathias nodded. Lukas bit his lip and took a deep breath.
"So was Emil. He tried to kill himself, but failed and he got all the fucking help this world can ever afford. He got medication, he met a therapist twice a week, he saw a doctor every month... and where is he now? Oh, yeah. He is dead now! When someone is suicidal, a little help doesn't actually help. I don't want that to happen to Tino, really. If he kills himself I have no fucking idea what I would do. Emil was fine when no-one knew, yes he cut himself and had suicidal thoughts but he changed to worst when he started to see that therapist. He didn't get any better, no, he killed himself", Lukas said and stood up. "Whatever, I'm going", the Norwegian said and left the two of his friends alone in the restaurant with the fries. Berwald stared after his friend while Mathias sighed and took his phone out of his pocket.
"G'nna call?" the Swedish said.
"Yeap. To Tino."
A cold, autumn-ish breeze wandered through Lukas' hair and made them even messier. He lifted his jacket's collars up and hoped it wouldn't start raining.
"I'm so sorry, Emil." In front of the blond teen was a grey, tall stone with dark letters on it. Some people with candles and flowers walked past Lukas and he felt those people's strange glances on his back. Sure, it wasn't the most usual thing to see while wandering on a cemetery – a tall teen sitting in front of one grave, tears in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry I didn't help you." Lukas couldn't feel his fingers, they were that cold and numb already. The cold wind burned his teary eyes and his thin jacket wasn't strong enough to keep the cold away. Dark clouds were gathering in the sky and it would start raining soon.
"I love you so much." Lukas hugged his knees and buried his face against them. He was so weak, crying on his brother's grave when he had a chance to catch some kind of supercold or something as dangerous. He took a shivering breath and bit his lip. He missed his little brother so much, and now he was forced to experience all the bad things happening again to Tino... It wasn't fair, Lukas life was never fair. What had he done in his previous life?
"He knows it." Lukas' head snapped up when he heard a familiar voice next to him. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and soon Mathias was sitting next to him. "Emil, I mean. He knows you love him." Lukas closed his eyes, he didn't want to show his tears to Mathias. The Dane saw his friend's pathetic try to be strong and he wrapped his arms around Lukas, stroking gently his back.
"Emil... I know you didn't like Mathias. But you have to understand this now – he is my everything. I wouldn't be here without him. He loved you, I know it. Yes, he never said that but I know it. And somehow I know that you loved him, too. He was like a big brother to you when I failed to be one. I hope you don't feel anything painful anymore, because you probably are pretty mad at me right now. But please forgive me, Emil. I... I just love him", Lukas said, staring his brother's gravestone. Mathias kept stroking his friend's back, encouraging Lukas to say everything he had kept inside him. The Dane knew Lukas visited Emil's grave now and then, maybe just to feel his brother's presence once again. It didn't sound healthy, it was already a year since Emil's successful suicide attempt and still Lukas went to the cemetery just to talk with his younger brother. But somehow Mathias understood, Lukas was still in pain. His and Emil's relationship wasn't the warmest one, and Lukas regretted it. And because Lukas was who he was, there was no chance he would start to talk about his feelings to someone who actually could answer.
Suddenly Lukas shook Mathias' hands away around himself and stood up. Tears streamed down his face and there was anger in his eyes.
"Did you hear me? I fucking love you! My parents would probably send me to the other side of the world if they heard this, but I don't care. You literally are my everything, even though I don't want to admit it. You're the one who always comes and saves me when I'm in trouble, when I'm drunk and can't walk. When I need someone to just hold me and tell me I'm enough. I failed as a brother, I failed so badly but still you comforted me and stayed with me. I love you Mathias, I love you. I don't want to lose you, I'm so afraid I will because I deserve it after all this, but I don't want!" Mathias stood up, lifted Lukas' head up with his fingers and pressed their lips together to stop the flood of words.
Tino didn't go to school on Monday. He just laid in his bed, blankets wrapped around him and stereos screaming his favorite music. It kinda calmed him down, that melodic but still hard music and warmness around him. He kept his eyes closed even though he was widely awake, cuts burning and fingers numb. He told everything to his parents last night, and they all cried more than a lake. Tino's parents were feeling bad and they were scared to leave Tino alone. But truth to be told, Tino was too tired to think about hurtiung himsef or actually doing anything expect listening to music.
When Tino felt the sleep to reach his body and the sounds started to become a mess in his ears, he heard a familiar sound – his phone's message voice. Silently groaning the Finn stood up and took his phone from his table, quickly opening the message he had received.
From: Berwald
"Hey. Can I come over after school?"
Tino read the message at least six times before he understood it clearly enough. He answered with a short "yes" and snuggled back to his bed. It would took at least two more hours before Berwald was ready to come, so Tino decided to take a quick nap so he wouldn't meet his friend looking like a walking corpse. Which he absolutely was, but maybe sleeping more than just an hour would make the difference.
Tino woke up when heard his phone's ringtone. He reached to his phone and answered without watching who was calling him in the middle of his nap.
"Moi?"
"Hey. I'm le'ving from school now, 'bout ten minut's", Berwald said. Tino glanced the clock on his wall and nodded when he saw it actually was already three pm.
"Yeah, sure. I can start walking to school so we would meet at halfway?" Tino suggested when he cranked himself out of the bed and searched with his eyes for his favorite hoodie.
"Nah, I'll find mah way. Se' yah then", Berwald said and the Finn was able to hear a little smile from the Swedish boy's voice.
"Okay, I'll make something to eat then. Just come in when you're here", Tino said and after quick good-byes he threw his phone on his bed and went to downstairs. He had no clue if he could actually make something what someone else was ready to eat, but he would try his best.
For some reason Berwald liked the Väinämöinens house. It had two floors and a large balcony where Tino's mom planted all kinds of flowers during summer. Now there was a light blue Christmas illuminations hanging from the balcony, looking like there were icicles all over the edge. Carefully Berwald made his way to the door and rang the doorbell before opening the door. He didn't want to scare Tino by rushing inside without any kind of warning.
"Berwald? I'm in the kitchen", Tino yelled behind the corner. Berwald took his shoes and jacket off and went to the large, spacious kitchen which had the most modern electronics and a large table in the middle of the room with four chairs. Tino was standing in front of the stove, cooking something which smelled incredibly good. Berwald didn't know Tino was so good at kitchen, he never asked someone to come over and eat with him. Even Mathias did that, and he wasn't that praiseworthy when it came to cooking.
"Hi." Berwald said and smiled when he saw a little smile on Tino's face. Tino looked a little bit sick, he was pale and even though he was wearing pair of loose pants and an extra large hoodie Berwald could tell he had lost some weight. But his smile was real, you could tell that by watching his eyes – they sparkled again.
"Hey, I really hope you're hungry because I don't want to eat alone. I haven't eat anything today and I realized how hungry I actually am", Tino laughed when he poured the pasta in a sieve and washed them with a cold water.
"Yah, I'm. The school lunch sucked today... 'gain", Berwald said and Tino chuckled.
"So you ate at the McDonald's again, right?" the taller teen nodded and Tino laughed, getting some plates out of the cupboard.
"Can I help?" Berwald asked but Tino shook his head.
"Nah, I got this. Just sit down and give me two minutes, the food is ready anyway", the Finn said and Berwald nodded, little smile on his lips.
"Sooo... I bet Lukas told everything what happened, right?" The two teens were sitting at the large kitchen table, a delicious plates of pasta in front of them. A rain drummed the roof and it was getting a little bit cold inside the house.
"Kinda. I'm worried, Tino, 'bout yah." Berwald said and looked Tino in the eyes. The other teen sighed and nodded, giving a little smile to his friend.
"I know, I'm sorry. Everything just got a little bit too hard, and I decided to act selfish", the Finn said and played with his too large hoodie's sleeves. They were long enough to cover his fingers and he usually had hard times trying not to get them dirty and on the way all the time when he was wearing that shirt.
"Yah weren't selfish, not at 'll. But... what are yah gonna do now on? S'me help would do somethin'", Berwald said and Tino nodded, placing his empty plate further away on the table.
"I talked with my parents and they said they aren't letting some doctors to hospitalize me. I'll start seeing a psychologist and maybe a therapist later. My mom called to one doctor and he said a medication should be good, but I have to talk with him and the psychologist a bit before they can decide that. My parents will check my room at times in case of knives or blades and so on... I have a feeling I'm safe, because they aren't mad at me and you guys are still with me", Tino said and bit his lip to keep the tears away. He was simply amazed that Berwald wanted to see him after all what happened, and that Mathias called him yesterday. They were worried, of course, but everything would work out back to the old eventually. Or at least that was what Tino hoped.
"Yah look sad", the Swedish teen said. He wanted to hug the shorter teen and tell him everything would get better, but he was scared to do that. They weren't that close yet, and Tino seemed to be really hurted at the moment.
"I just... When I was at the hospital and that doctor bandaged my wounds I cried because I was so disappointed. I wanted to die, no, I want to die so badly and then I failed. Now I'm hurting more people than I would have hurted with dying. It makes me want to kill myself even more... I know this sounds stupid, but I'm so pathetic – I can't even kill myself! Berwald, I'm really sorry I caused all this. I don't want you to worry about me. At the moment I want to die but maybe someday I won't. And... please don't blame yourself. I see it from your eyes that you're blaming yourself just because I spent my Saturday with you. The truth is that I had the most wonderful Saturday ever, I enjoyed to spend time with you. Really. I just started to think too much and I couldn't handle my mind", Tino said and wasn't even sorry for all the talking. Berwald watched him, some sadness and worry in his blue eyes. The Finn sighed and smiled, without faking it. He collected the empty plates and slided them in the sink, he would put them in to the dishwasher later. Then he stretched and walked in front of Berwald who was still sitting at the table, his eyes on Tino. The Finn smiled and placed his hands on Berwald's shoulders.
"If you start to worry about me now even more, I'll be mad at you. Don't do it. I'll be fine, I promise it to you. I won't let you down again, I'll try my hardest", Tino said. Berwald looked Tino in the eyes, he saw the familiar sparkle and shy smile in those purple-ish eyes which stared back at him. Slowly the taller teen cupped Tino's face and gave a light, smiling kiss to his lips. Tino looked at his friend with a confusion when Berwald stood up and smiled.
"I'll see yah at school t'morrow, right?" Tino nodded and smiled, a light pink color making its way to his cheeks. Berwald put his shoes on and buttoned his jacket up, before turning back to Tino and ruffling his hair. "Thank yah for the dinner. It was delicious."
Mathias loved the scent of Lukas' hair. The vanilla got mixed with the scent of Lukas' shower gel, and the result was enough to make Mathias remember Lukas' scent the rest of his life.
"I hope you know he isn't mad at you", Mathias whispered in Lukas' hair and caressed the shorter teen's hand with his thumb. It was an early Tuesday morning but their alarm hadn't went off yet, so the two of them were spending their lazy morning minutes by laying on the bed Mathias' arms around Lukas' chest, his nose on the back of Lukas' neck.
"Who are you talking about?" the Norwegian asked with a sleepy voice. He wasn't really awake yet, and the warmness of Mathias' body glued on his own didn't help him to wake up.
"Tino. I called him on Saturday and yesterday", Mathias revealed and kissed Lukas' hair.
"Why you didn't tell that to me earlier?" Lukas wanted to know. He turned around and was now facing Mathias sleepy but bright eyes. Mathias smiled and shrugged, which really didn't look like a shrug because he was under a blanket and his arms were still around Lukas.
"Because you knew it already, silly. But Tino is coming to school today so I wanted you to actually know it", the taller teen said and smiled when Lukas frowned.
"Hmph. Fine. Thank you, I guess", the Norwegian said and closed his eyes in irritation when Mathias' phone's alarm went off. The Dane gave a quick kiss to his boyfriend's lips and got up. Lukas refused to actually get up yet, so Mathias gave him a five minutes to lay there, between warm blankets which smelled like Mathias.
A/N2: hah. haha. hahaha. DenNor is my OTP so please forgive me ._.' this IS a SuFin fiction, it'll be!
So uhm. I'm going through pretty hard times (again) but actually writing this is some kind of therapy to me. I'm really sorry I actually made some of you worry about me because of the last chapter's Author's notes, I really didn't mean to do so! Don't worry about me, I'm alright.
And hmm. I'm actually going to write a little spin-off to this, about Emil and Lukas' past. I can upload it here when it's ready if someone wants to read it. This story won't go back to Emil that much later on, even though he surely is an important character but... I think you got the point. Writing about him makes me really sad and I don't want to write about sad Lukas, okay haha that's pretty bad excuse but yeah.
I have some plans for this fiction for sure. I know how this will end and the big plot twists, but I have no idea how to go from spot A to spot B. But I have some plans, and I'm pretty sure they aren't the most usual ones. But I can maybe promise something: there will be smut later, and another cutter. Yay? (Don't get too excited, I can't write smut at ALL lol.)
So... my psychology books are staring at me pretty badly, I have the exam on Monday and I have millions of terms to learn. So I'm going to go and read some psychology, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and so on. You can still find me on tumblr (my url changed, it's butterfly-hallucinations), and I'm willing to talk if you have something to say (:
