It was Thursday night, and it had been a long quiet week. It had started out with fireworks, but there had been no repeat performance.

I stared down at the notebook in front of me, my eyes glazing over the list, when I suddenly flipped several pages back to a blank sheet. I knew once I was changed I might not remember all of this, and I wanted to. So I began a diary of sorts.

July 14—Edward took me on a date to the meadow. We laid in the sun while I ate lunch and he read to me. It was warm and his skin dazzled me. It was a lovely afternoon. I carved our initials in a tree at the edge of the meadow, and Edward put a heart around it. Then he started kissing me in a way he had never allowed himself to do before. He had me pressed back against the tree, and it was so sexy and needful. I loved seeing him want me. It was the first time I think I truly believed he wanted me that way as much as I wanted him. I convinced him to let me wrap myself around his waist, and oh God, everything about that, about him, felt wonderful. He was commanding and tender and raw all at the same time and the thought of him that day still makes my stomach flip-flop. I had the most incredible orgasm of my life, the only one I'd ever had with another person. I never felt more connected to him than I did at that moment.

July 15—I am proclaiming July 15 as a national holiday, one which we will celebrate every year for years to come. Ha! To come! Edward came to my room I think with the purpose of scolding me for leaving my panties on his bed—oh, that's another story from the 14th… Anyway, he caught me having a dream about him, and before my mind could even comprehend what was going on he was talking me through pleasuring myself. But then he helped me, he actually ASKED me to show him how I liked to be touched. He joined his hand with mine, and then he asked to be inside of me. My body couldn't decide whether to cry from the sweetness of it or to devour him. Having him inside of me was the most fulfilling thing I have ever experienced in my life. Or at least I thought so. Until he allowed me to return the favor. He allowed me to touch him. His body is exquisite, and seeing him let himself go, seeing him allow himself some modicum of pleasure for once, knowing I had the power to bring him that pleasure. That was actually the most fulfilling experience of my life.

I looked up from the page, reminiscing about the week afterwards.

After being together Tuesday morning, Edward had held me tenderly for an hour. Then, all of a sudden, I felt him distance himself from me slightly. He kissed my forehead and then pulled away, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and pulling his pants up in one quick movement. I felt his loss immediately. He seemed at loose ends, and all of a sudden I started feeling a little self-conscious. I wanted to say something to ease the tension that seemed to cloud the room, but I couldn't make sense of it. To me the morning had been absolutely perfect. The best morning of my life.

He turned to me. "Um, I'm going to run home and get cleaned up. I'll be back in a while?" I couldn't fathom why he phrased it as a question.

My brain was reeling to keep him from leaving. "Why don't you just take a shower here? Then you won't have to run back and forth?"

He looked down a little sheepishly and seemed to debate with himself.

Maybe he thought he couldn't trust me not to push him any further. Maybe I had pushed him more than he was ready to be pushed. My mind wanted to reject all that self-doubt outright, but a nagging pile of guilt still managed to take up residence in a dark corner of my brain. All the same, I felt the need to reassure him. "It's okay, Edward, I won't…," what might he be afraid of?, "…bother you. You can lock the door, even." Trying to make light of the situation, I added, "Unlike you, locks actually work on keeping me out." I smiled up at him.

My obvious effort to diffuse the tension seemed to get to him, because all of a sudden his face relaxed and he came back over to the bed. He threaded a hand through my hair and cradled the back of my head with it, then placed a light kiss on my lips. "You could never bother me, love." He kissed me again. "Would you like to go first?"

"Um, no, go ahead. I'm going to go grab a bowl of cereal." He nodded, and left the room.

I got up and pulled on a pair of gray yoga pants. It had been too hot to sleep with them on last night so I had shed them after I got into bed. It occurred to me then that Edward had never before seen me with so little clothing. Perhaps that explained his willingness to push his boundaries?

As I stepped out of my bedroom door I heard the water in the shower come on. My hand absolutely itched to try the knob to the bathroom door. Not to actually go in, but to see if he had actually locked it. But I knew there was no way I could even put my hand on the knob without him knowing it, so I resisted and forced myself down the stairs.

I threw together a bowl of cereal and plunked down into a chair at the table. I scooped a bite and spooned it into my mouth unthinkingly. Because my brain was still upstairs with Edward. Who was in my bathroom. Taking a shower. Naked. In my shower. The one with the showerhead.

Edward's in my shower Edward's in my shower Edward's in my shower

Wow. That thought all by itself was going to provide enough material for the next time I found myself in the shower and turned on. Actually, I wasn't sure how I would ever take a shower in there again without getting turned on. It was a high price to pay, but somebody had to do it. That thought brought the first real smile to my face since Edward started acting weird. Thank God he's mine, moodiness and all.

I wasn't surprised when the water turned off upstairs before I was even done my cereal. I was rinsing the bowl out when he surprised me by wrapping his arms around my waist from behind. He placed several light kisses against my hair on my neck, and then rested his chin on my left shoulder. He was gently rocking me back and forth. I leaned my head against his and enjoyed the feel of him around me.

The moment was so tender, I thought maybe he had gotten over whatever was bothering him. I wanted to talk about what had happened this morning. But just as I was about to open my mouth, as if he could read my mind, he quickly interjected, "Why don't you go get yourself ready too?"

He loosened his grip and I turned around and hugged him tightly, trying to communicate with my arms what he didn't seem ready for me to communicate with words. I nodded and padded up the steps.

I grabbed a set of clothes and walked into the bathroom. I closed the door and rested my back against it for a moment. My sinking feeling about Edward was replaced by my brain's receipt of sensory information from my nose. Edward's mouthwatering scent hunt heavy in the leftover steam in the small bathroom. My mouth literally began to salivate. I shook my head in wonder, then stepped to the shower and turned on the water. It ran warm immediately, Edward having just used it before me, so I stepped in and let the water run over me. I looked up at the showerhead—no need for you today my old friend—before quickly shampooing and washing. I dried off and threw my clothes on before pulling my damp hair into a pony tail and running downstairs to find Edward.

I didn't see him right away and I began to panic. Then I noticed that the back door off the kitchen was slightly ajar. Through the curtained window, I could make out Edward's form on the back porch. He was holding something up to his ear. I realized he was on the phone. Just as I moved to open the door, he spun to me, said, "Gotta go. See you in a few," then hung up. He quickly replaced an annoyed look with a smile.

What is going on with him?

How could we be in such different emotional places after the last two days?

I decided to give him space by not pushing for answers. The car ride to his house was mostly quiet. And Alice pulled me into wedding planning moments after we got there. Edward came to check in on me a few times, but otherwise we spent little time together that day.

The last two days had been much the same. His mood had certainly lightened, but something about his posture warned me against trying to recreate any of what had earlier happened between us.

Tuesday night I was confused.

Wednesday night I was mad.

Thursday night I was sad.

In preparation for my spending the weekend at his house, Edward was hunting Thursday night and Alice was to pick me up bright and early Friday morning to take me to their house. Charlie thought I was keeping her company while the others went camping. In reality, the others were going on an extended hunting trip and leaving the house to Edward and me. The weekend alone no longer seemed to have the promise it did a few days ago.

Since I was going to be gone for a few days Charlie had asked me to hang out with him Thursday night, so I couldn't even see Edward before he left to go hunting.

All of this led to my laying on my bed by 9:30 pm, with my notebook in front of me, trying to stifle the tears from falling down my face. The list now seemed to mock me. And despite the fact that I should feel happy that I could now put check marks next to a number of items on the list, all I could see were the ones I hadn't been able to accomplish and now clearly wouldn't for who knew how long.

I was just about to tear the pages with the list out of the notebook and throw them away when the house phone rang. Shortly thereafter Charlie was jogging up the steps. He knocked softly on the door and I batted away my tears and told him to come in. "For you, honey, it's Alice."

"Oh," I reached out to take the phone from him. "Thanks." His look told me he knew something was wrong, but he backed out of the room and shut the door.

I put the phone to my ear. "Bella, Edward is buying you a cell phone this weekend and that's that."

"Huh?" This couldn't wait until the morning?

"You've turned him down every time he's tried to get you a phone, but we need to be able to reach you directly, not go through Charlie."

I was too worn out to fight. "Uh, okay."

"Okay? That's great!"

"Um, Alice, did you actually want something or were you just calling to yell at me for not accepting Edward's gifts?"

"Oh. Sorry. Right. Don't you dare tear that list up."

Oh, for God sakes. I huffed into the phone.

"I'm serious, Bella. The list is good. The list is working," she said with a little too much implication. Clearly she knew what had happened.

"No, Alice, the list was working. Past tense."

"Sweetie, I know he's being a little distant right now. He's scared. And he's confused."

"Like I'm not?"

"Yes, but you weren't born in 1901."

I thought about that for a moment. "You think he's feeling…," guilty? embarrassed?..., "like what we did was…improper?" Oh Edward.

"Something like that, yes."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So, I know it's hard that you always have to be the strong one emotionally, but hang in there and don't lose faith. He knows what he wants, he's just afraid to want it."

"Oh."

I could hear a smile return to her face. "Okay, see you in the morning Bella."

"Okay." The line clicked dead but I barely heard it. I was caught up in my own thoughts.

I immediately felt selfish for the way I had been acting. I had been quiet when he had come to me Tuesday night, but I was so confused I didn't know what to try to say to him. And I had been tense when he came to me Wednesday night, but I was annoyed enough that I was afraid if I said anything I would end up regretting it. And then today when we were together I just had this overwhelming feeling of resignation, and it made me feel drained and listless, and I knew he could tell.

In my defense, it never occurred to me that being satisfied in that way wouldn't lead to a sense of satisfaction but instead a sense of increased desire. Or, rather, maybe it was more that I was surprised by how short the sense of satisfaction lasted, and how quickly the need returned. Now that my body knew it could have that with Edward, it's all my body wanted. It was like there could never be enough. It was all-consuming.

I looked down at the list again. I smoothed out the page; it had crinkled where the paper joined the spiral ring where I had gripped it.

Fine, the list stays.

I read it over, thinking about the things we'd accomplished.

1) Against the tree by the meadow

2) Feel his full weight on top of me

3) French kiss

4) See him naked

5) Shower together

6) Against the cold tiles in the shower

7) In his car

8) On our lab table

9) On his leather couch

10) I want him to come in my hand

11) IN MY MOUTH

12) His mouth on me, there

13) Whatever it takes to get him to say FUCK again

14) Get him to talk dirty in general

15) Submit

16) See him hunt

17) Have Edward taste my blood

Numbers 10, 13, and 14 had happened and been every bit as wonderful as I expected. Numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, and 15 had happened at least in part, although not exactly in the ways I had in mind, and so I wasn't willing to consider them all the way accomplished. I smiled to myself. I am greedy.

I was sitting there musing to myself, not really fully paying attention. So I was a little surprised to look down and see the number eighteen added to the list.

18)

I stared at it for a moment, and then relented. Well, there were more things I wanted for us to experience, after all.

I thought about how my words had affected Edward. And about the fact that he seemed to have a hard time allowing himself to let go. I knew what I wanted to add.

18) Dominate

Maybe if I told him to enjoy himself he would. Doubtful, but a girl can hope. If he'd only play along.

I thought for a minute. Oh! Maybe some of the pressure would be taken off if I wasn't right there.

19) Phone sex

The possibilities for that seemed endless!

I remembered my dream, the one that had apparently started the whole thing on Tuesday morning. In the dream, Edward had been relentless, devouring my body with his hands and mouth.

20) His mouth on my breasts, suckling me

I groaned. As it always did, working on the list was getting me hot. And I just wasn't in the mood.

I tucked the notebook under the edge of the bed and clicked the light out. Alice's conversation had eased my mind, and for the first time in a few days I had a restful night of sleep.

I woke up early, expecting Alice around 8:30. With the week that I'd had I hadn't really kept up with my room, and it was kind of a mess. I pulled my laundry basket out of the bottom of my closet and swooped around the room collecting dirty clothes. I grabbed a glass and a soda can from the night before, and trudged downstairs with the whole lot. I passed through the kitchen on the way to the laundry room, depositing the glass in the sink and the can in the recycling bin, and then plopped the clothes basket down in front of the washer. There weren't enough clothes to worry about separating them into colors and whites, so I started putting everything in to the same load. About two-thirds into the basket, I came upon the white tank top I had on that morning. I hugged it to my chest, deep in thought, then threw it in with the rest.

I ran upstairs to get showered and dressed. I walked into my bedroom with the towel around my body to get fresh clothes for the day. As I pulled a pair of panties from my drawer, it occurred to me that I hadn't seen the white cotton bikinis I had also had on that morning. I hadn't really been looking though.

I threw on clothes and pulled my hair up into a loose up-do. It was already muggy and it felt good to get my hair up off my neck. Then I went back in my room to pack a bag for the weekend. Just as I was finishing up I heard the washing machine buzzer sound. I looked at the clock: 8:20 a.m. Alice would be here any minute.

I grabbed my bag and ran downstairs. I placed it by the front door and then walked back to the laundry room. I opened the top-loading door and began lifting the wet clothes out of the machine and into the dryer. A pair of pink panties reminded me, and I began sorting through the load. The white bikinis aren't here.

I ran back upstairs and began searching. I looked in the bathroom, under my bed, in the back of my closet, and in my underwear drawer. Just as I was bending under my desk, Alice's voice startled me, and I banged the back of my head on the underside of the desk.

"Looking for something?" I peaked out from under the desk to look at her. She was smiling.

"Obviously."

"Anything I can help with?"

"No. It's not here….I don't think."

"Something important?"

"No. Yes. No." She laughed and my eyes flashed up to hers. She knows something.

I stalked over to her. "Alice Cullen! What do you know?"

"I know many things, Bella." I huffed.

"Do all you Cullens have to be so infuriating?" My rant only seemed to amuse her.

"Come on, let's go." She started down the steps and I followed after her. I watched her like a hawk until we got in the car, and as she pulled out of my street she finally relented and looked back at me.

"Like I said, Bella, have a little faith."