A/N
You guys are amazing! I'm still overwhelmed by the feedback the last chapter received. Thank you all for reading!
"I could easily fall asleep like this," she mused while stroking Teddy's hair.
Hermione sat up and marvelled at the two of them. Andromeda was gorgeous laying there peacefully with her eyes closed. Teddy's hair was in its natural state and it looked like Andromeda's, dark brown and curly. Unlike hers, his didn't show any hints of silver. She wished she had a camera.
"I want to be with you," she whispered. Andromeda opened her eyes and stared at her in disbelieve to Hermione's dismay, she didn't answer and averted her gaze again.
"Let me be with you," Hermione tried again.
Andromeda's heart fluttered at the thought of being with Hermione, of being completely hers. The young woman was reaching out to her and she had to restrain herself from pulling her close. She got up from the floor and walked towards the door, knowing her actions would hurt the young woman. "I need to put him to bed," she spoke softly.
Hermione grabbed her wrist before she could climb back down. "Let me help you. It's obvious that you are struggling right now," she ran her finger across Andromeda's jaw and the older witch closed her eyes.
She freed herself from Hermione's grip and looked at her pleadingly. "Wait for me downstairs, please?" she asked and disappeared down the ladder.
Her knees were weak but she managed to walk towards Teddy's bedroom. She heard Hermione descend the stairs when she opened the door to the nursery and put Teddy into his crib. The painted landscape on Teddy's bedroom wall once again astounded her. Her eyes lingered on the blank space in the middle of the wall. Nymphadora had spent nearly two months on the painting, saving the centrepiece for the end. She had stopped painting the day Ted died, and thus never finished it. Nymphadora kept her plans for the centrepiece a secret and now the ugly white patch would forever be a painful reminder that her family had been ripped apart.
She closed her eyes and willed away the tears and the memories. She sunk down on the floor and leant against Teddy's dresser. She longed to be with Hermione, to be loved by her and to love her back. Fear, however, held her back. Fear that, in the end, she would cause Hermione pain. Usually, she couldn't care less what people thought about her. The last time she cared what the paper wrote was when she was still living with her parents and keeping up appearances was everything that mattered. But now she was afraid what the papers would write, what the young woman's friends would think. A love affair with a woman old enough to be her mother and on top of that Bellatrix Blacks' sister. She leant her head back against the dresser and sighed. How could she possibly burden a girl in her twenties with her life of pain and loss? She shook her head and got up. It pained her profoundly to reject Hermione. She gathered herself and returned downstairs. Hermione was sitting at the kitchen table, a pot of steaming tea and two cups stood in front of her. The young woman opened her mouth to speak but Andromeda interrupted her.
"This pain-" she put her hand on her heart, fingertips white from the pressure "-will not leave me. It will stay with me until I die. It's been two years now and it feels like it was yesterday. I am in a dark place right now, Hermione. I couldn't bear to take you down with me." Her eyes were hard but unfocused. For a second, she just stood there, not even blinking. Hermione's heart sank at the sight. The usual tall and graceful woman looked utterly small and utterly defeated. Hermione studied her face until her mask of indifference slipped back upon her face.
"It didn't get better because you didn't grieve properly. You only started when Teddy was teething," Hermione said matter-of-factly without evidence behind this accusation. She just wanted to push Andromeda to open up.
Andromeda's eyes focused Hermione and she felt anger rise in her throat. She couldn't school her features anymore. "What do you know about grief?" she snapped, her voice hard. It was a low blow and completely unfair.
Hermione shrugged it off before giving it a second thought. "You hide your emotions incredibly well. Hell, I haven't even seen you cry at their funerals. I'm sure you grieved silently, but you swallowed most if it down. For Teddy's sake." Again, just a simple assumption and yet it had the desired effect.
Andromeda's face crumbled and she stayed quiet for a moment to gather her words. "With whom, pray tell, should I have shared my feelings with?" she asked, her voice hard but trembling lightly. She couldn't look at Hermione anymore so she closed her eyes.
The young witch stayed focused, not letting anything distract her from her mission. Not even the fact that she had indeed not remembered the circumstance that Andromeda had no one left to turn to. Not even by the sad expression on Andromeda's face that hurt her heart. She desperately wanted to embrace her, to comfort her.
"So you admit that you never shared them."
Andromeda gasped. She wanted to snap back at Hermione but the words died in her throat.
"There's no shame in it, Andromeda. You already shared things with me." Hermione had gotten up from her chair and approached the pacing woman.
Andromeda felt utterly vulnerable but unwilling to let the woman close. When Hermione was close enough to touch her, she felt cornered and in her desperation drew her wand.
"Ah, ah, don't do that!"
Andromeda had neither the intention nor the strength to block the spell. Hermione caught the ebony wand with ease. Andromeda lowered her shaking hand. Defenceless and with nowhere to run, she gave in. Her voice was merely a whisper when she spoke again.
"You are right. I didn't process their deaths properly. I repress my feelings as good as I can. I only think about them when I am unable to sleep... My thoughts always circle around the same daunting question, though: Why did I not fight alongside my daughter?"
Hermione paled and opened her mouth to give her an answer.
Andromeda closed her eyes and waved her hand before rubbing her forehead. "Don't, please, I cannot hear it." Her voice was hushed. She started pacing around the room again, breathing shallowly and playing with her fingers.
"Lately I tried to deal with it. I cleaned out Ted's side of the closet. Then I added Nymphadora's books to our-" she swallowed hard and took a breath"-my bookcase in the living room. Three days ago, I cried into her sheets after I had ripped her favourite poster off the wall. And this morning my nosy mother-in-law made me miserable. It's hard being me right now." She shrugged her shoulders and tried to gather herself.
Hermione slowly approached the fragile woman, took her hands and kissed them. Andromeda wasn't showing any emotions anymore. Her blank expression worried Hermione more than the outburst mere minutes ago. She sat her down at the table and put a cup of lavender tea in front of her. Andromeda slowly lifted the cup to her lips but spilled half of the content. Annoyed, she put the cup back down on the table. Her whole body was shaking from her attempt to suppress her feelings.
"Andie, you have to let go," Hermione told her softly and took her cold hands again. "You can share your feelings with me."
"I can't." The first tear rolled slowly down her cheek and she knew she couldn't stay strong anymore. But she wasn't willing to burden the young woman like that.
Hermione sensed her distress. She felt bad, she had wanted her to open up but it was never her intention to break her. She wouldn't torment her further. Hermione wiped away the tear with her thumb.
"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you. You should sleep. I will stay here and take care of Teddy." She got up and put her hand on the older witch's shoulder.
Andromeda felt relieved. She searched Hermione's face and found nothing but certainty. "You can sleep in Nymphadora's room if you like," she spoke softly whilst leading her upstairs to the door with the big 'Do not enter' sign. It hung there since Nymphadora had been a teenager. It was still hard entering her room. She took a deep breath before she opened the door.
"My room is the next one if you need something. The bathroom is right there." She pointed to the yellow door across the hallway. "Make yourself at home. I'm sure you find something to sleep in inside her closet."
Her eyes were watery, her voice weak. Hermione kissed her forehead and let her lips linger a bit on the warm skin, gently brushing some stray curls behind her ears. Andromeda relaxed at her touch and cupped Hermione's cheek, gently stroking it with her thumb. Hermione shoved her wand back into her palm before she left for her bedroom.
Shreds of Tonks favourite poster were still scattered across the floor. With a simple spell, Hermione cleaned them up and levitated them into the bin. She looked around the room. It was a tad messy but clean from dust. A photo album on the desk caught her attention. It lay open and showed baby pictures of Nymphadora. Most of them were moving. She carefully switched pages. With every double page Tonks grew up, her hair always coloured in a different shade of the rainbow. On the last page, Tonks had added a picture of Teddy. She must have taken it shortly after his birth. She traced the photo with her finger before closing the album again. Tonks closet was a complete disarray. T-shirts, pants and jackets were all crammed into the same shelf. She settled for a 'Rolling Stones' t-shirt and bright yellow cotton leggings. An item only someone like Tonks would own. She slipped beneath the soft sheets. They smelled of flower-scented laundry detergent and nothing else. A tear rolled down her cheek at the thought of her friend.
Andromeda removed her clothes and let her hair down. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, finally allowing her tears to fall freely. She watched how they ran down her cheeks, alongside her throat and finally disappeared into the fabric of her bra. She was angry with herself for not allowing herself the closeness and love she deserved but mostly angry with THEM because THEY left her. She nervously tugged at her wedding band and eventually slipped it off her finger. 'Love conquers all - 1972' she snorted at the engraving and threw the ring at the mirror with full force. It bounced right off the sleek surface without leaving as much as a scratch. Slowly she sank down to the floor and screamed, "je vous déteste!" She pressed her palm hard against her mouth to muffle the sound.
Hermione woke from her slumber unsure what had woken her. She was still gathering herself when she heard the sobs coming from the room next to hers. It was hard to hear the older woman cry like this. She chose to give Andromeda the privacy she had offered her but with every passing minute and every muffled scream, hearing her suffer became more and more unbearable. After nearly an hour, the sobbing became quiet and Hermione wasn't able to take it anymore.
She knocked softly and received no answer. Carefully, she opened the door just enough to glance inside. The green blouse and black pants were scattered across the room. Near the bed, she spotted her rose gold wedding ring. She carefully picked it up, turned it in her fingers before putting it on the nightstand. She gasped when she finally laid eyes on Andromeda. She was sitting on her knees in front of a huge mirror, one hand firmly pressed against her mouth and hugging herself with the other arm. Her hair trailed down her sides and her back, covering parts of her face. She had stopped sobbing, calmly looked at her reflection in the mirror and whispered to herself. Hermione could not make out the words but it sounded foreign, most likely French. Andromeda hadn't noticed her intrusion yet.
"Andie," she whispered, the sight of the defeated woman breaking her heart.
Andromeda was surprised to hear the younger woman's voice. Slowly she lifted her head to look at her. With a hoarse voice and an apologetic tone she asked, "did I wake you?" Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks when she saw the distress on Hermione's face.
The young witch firmly shook her head. "No, my love. I wasn't able to sleep. May I sit down?" she carefully asked and walked into the room after Andromeda had nodded.
She snatched a blanket from the bed and placed it on Andromeda's shoulders before kneeling down in front of her. Hermione's face was filled with worry and tears were shining in her eyes. Hermione wiped Andromeda's tears away with both her hands.
Hermione soothed her until Andromeda was able to calm herself. All her strength was gone so Hermione had to help her get up from the cold floor. The young witch slung her arms around her and Andromeda leant into the embrace, stroking Hermione's back. Fresh, hot tears seeped into the 'Rolling Stones' shirt. Slowly they walked towards the bed. The older witch slipped under her covers.
Hermione sat on the edge of the mattress. "Do you need something else, love?" she asked and brushed some curls out of her face.
Despite her previous reservations, Andromeda couldn't deny herself the closeness her heart so strongly longed for anymore. "Please stay. I'm sick of being alone all the time," she whispered almost inaudibly and clasped Hermione's t-shirt with her hand.
Hermione stroked her cheek. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."
Andromeda's scent lingered everywhere. It overwhelmed her, made her feel warm and loved. Quiet sobs brought her back to reality. Andromeda still lay on her side, facing the window. Hermione snuggled up to her and slung her arm around her waist. Stiff at first, Andromeda soon relaxed and savoured the closeness. She had forgotten how good it felt to be touched, to be loved by someone. Hermione nuzzled her face into her neck and kissed her skin softly.
"You are an unbelievably strong woman, Andromeda. Please don't forget that."
Andromeda swallowed hard. She was unable to form words. Instead, she simply squeezed Hermione's arm reassuringly and kissed her palm.
The first thing Andromeda noticed in the morning was the heat radiating from the body next to her. She carefully untangled herself from the sheets and turned around. Hermione was still fast asleep. Andromeda drank in her beauty. She was radiant, even early in the morning. In this very moment, all her doubts from last night vanished. She was still scared what they would have to face, but now she was ready to take the risk. How could she not? The girl was radiant, intelligent, attentive and warm-hearted. She couldn't wish for more. She stroked Hermione's soft cheek.
Crying had helped her clear her mind but her head felt heavy and dizzy when she got up. She slipped out of the room and into the bathroom to take a hot shower. The water felt divine and afterwards, she went straight to Nymphadora's room to borrow clothes again. She picked Hermione's clothes up from the floor, folded them sloppily and placed them on the bed. She noticed that the girl must have cleaned up her mess from four nights ago. She had not left a single speck of paper behind. Nymphadora's closet held a vast variety of clothes and she searched through them for a little while before setting on a pair of blue jeans and a white top. The tight pants were a struggle to put on and she considered shortly to use magic. During the process, she noticed that her wedding band wasn't on her finger anymore. She only vaguely remembered that she took it off the night before. She slipped the shirt over her head and fetched her whining grandson before going back to her room to wake Hermione. Her ring was sitting on the nightstand. She twisted it in her fingers, looked at the young woman in her bed and contemplated whether to leave it off for good. Eventually, she slipped it back on, enjoying the slight tingling on her skin.
Hermione woke when the mattress dipped. Bright sunlight was blinding her eyes when she opened them. Only slowly Andromeda came into focus.
"Good morning my love," she said to Andromeda and reached for Teddy's hand. The boy ignored her attempt as he was occupied with his grandma's hair. Both women smiled at him fondly before Andromeda looked at Hermione again.
She gave her a fond smile and leant over kiss her cheek. "Hello, my love."
Hermione looked at her and studied her expression. She looked good this morning, not a trace from last night's struggle was visible on her face. "You are beaming. I assume you're feeling better?"
"You did that," Andromeda whispered and scooted closer to Hermione. Just as she leant over to kiss her on the lips, Hermione turned and got out of bed, completely oblivious of Andromeda's intentions. Andromeda let her head fall back against the headboard and laughed at the missed opportunity.
Hermione turned around to look at her with a puzzled expression, then smiled brightly and exclaimed: "I'm starving!"
A/N
Je vous déteste! = I hate you!
I'm always open to (helpful) criticism. It helps me to improve my writing. So if you have some advice; just send me a PM :)
