Disclaimer: Gundam Wing? Sure, it's mine. And also you're stupid.


Sub Rosa

Chapter 7

Learn The Hard Way


Sunday was spent cleaning and getting wash done. Our lunch consisted of leftovers, and our hours of cleaning were spent carefully avoiding one another. For me, it was totally self-defense. I knew damn well I didn't have the wherewithal to deny Heero and myself the release of sex if we started again, and I doubted I would have a fortuitous – yes, over time I could admit Greaves' interruption had been a good thing – encounter with someone. Therefore, I was on the run.

Heero, though... I could only guess that he was up to something. His eyes would seek me out, but he would stay to different rooms, and the noises I'd hear sometimes would be a bit weird. Loud, then soft, fast and slow. When Heero asked what music I wanted to listen to, my suspicions became full-blown alarm bells. But whenever I randomly walked into the room Heero was in, he was simply straightening something or grabbing dirty clothes or putting the beds together.

He was up to something.

Dinnertime came before either of us knew it, and I decided to cook. Heero didn't argue, which was expected, but only because I knew he was doing something behind my back. Since he'd been injured, Heero had tried to do whatever he could, same as I had. It was a reflex, trying to take care of oneself, trying to show one wasn't vulnerable or useless. I understood it, so usually I gracefully bowed out if Heero wanted to take care of something. This time he didn't even come in to help when the smell of ham and pasta started wafting through the house.

Okay. I'd gone behind his back just the day before, so I didn't really have the right to freak out. Besides, I understood the whole idea of two people living different lives. I was cool with that.

But Heero was up to something. And it was driving me nuts.

When I called him for dinner, he wheeled himself in as if he'd been doing nothing of interest all day, but I could see a glimpse of the Perfect Soldier in Heero's eyes and knew he was using his mask to hide something from me.

But what?

We ate fairly quickly, Heero setting the fast pace. I made petty conversation, not really saying anything at all, but Heero was reticent and quiet and I was disturbed. I knew he'd forgiven me, or else he wouldn't have freakin' jumped me yesterday. But I also knew that whatever he was hiding, he was taking care to keep it from me. I thought about it. Was he planning something? My mind kept spinning to Caribol, stuttering and grinding to a painful halt. A part of me denied that Heero would do anything like he had before, but I couldn't be sure. He'd learned, hadn't he? He'd seen the mistake in doing what he'd done before – gods, my mind wouldn't even name it – and he wouldn't do it again... would he?

I had to put my fork down when my hand started shaking so bad the food fell off.

Heero was practically done, but his blind shoveling in of food paused, and his eyes sought me out, confused and considering.

Okay, this was ridiculous. I was falling back on old fears, and I'd told myself I wouldn't do that anymore. It was probably something innocent – he was irritated with his helplessness, his collarbone still not completely healed. Maybe he just wanted some time to himself. Maybe he was trying to remember something. Maybe...

Maybe he was planning something I wouldn't like. Something like joining this ally of Caribol's.

"Duo?"

It was the first time Heero had spoken to me that day that didn't pertain to cleaning. I looked over to him and swallowed back my fears. They were stupid and inconsiderate. Heero wouldn't repeat his mistakes. The man hated making them the first time, after all. He wouldn't do it again.

Besides, I told myself, we didn't even have verification that anything was wrong. We had Greaves, who wasn't sure, and we had Merquise, whom I could easily admit I had a bias against. I expected him to be doing something devious, but that was because the man was always going to be firmly in the Evil Bad Guy List when it came to me.

"Sorry, Heero." I tried on a smile for him. "Just thinking."

I'd hardly picked up my fork when Heero asked, his voice soft, "what?"

Well, shit. That wasn't fair at all. How come I had to say what I was thinking, but Heero was going to bottle all of his thoughts away? But still I opened my mouth to answer, wondering how much to tell. "Just what Greaves said. I thought the whole Caribol thing was over."

"Technically, it is. This is a different group."

Heero's quick answer made my heart pound. He couldn't be thinking about it. My next words were very precisely planned out. "Different group, but are there motives any different?"

"Maybe, maybe not. We'll have to find out."

And my heart jerked. Those words could be innocent. From anyone else, I would have believed they were completely innocent. But Heero didn't say anything randomly. His vocabulary was oftentimes much better than mine. I was scared. Heero was thinking about something, something to do with this problem Greaves had warned us about, and we had to do something about it.

Then I dropped my head into my hands. "I forgot to call the guys."

"It's fine. I did it today while we cleaned."

I smiled at him gratefully, even as my mind whirled. Had he really? Was that what had kept him out of my sight, why he'd let me cook? Or had he discussed something with them, just as I'd done with Trowa, and he was hiding a plan or a piece of information from me?

Okay, I had to knock this the fuck off. I had to trust Heero.

The image entered my thoughts again as I blinked, and I clenched my eyes shut. The image passed in slow motion, the smooth punch of the recoil, the warm gush of blood, those dead eyes staring at me in surprise.

I shoved myself away from the table and heard my chair clatter to the floor. I stared very, very hard at the plate in front of me, at the bits of ham still waiting for me. I didn't think I could eat it. I didn't think I could stand the smell for another minute.

"Duo?"

I shook my head violently. Heero wouldn't do that, dammit! Whether he was planning something or not, he wouldn't do something that would cause the two of us so much pain ever again. He wouldn't be that stupid, that foolish, that cruel. All that fell into my forte. Not his. My mind was playing with me, trying to confuse and scare me. It wasn't going to happen.

...Was it?

Heero was standing again, and I backed away from him, too, as he moved to grab my shoulders. "Sit down," I rasped. I had to get a hold of myself. This whole Caribol crap was spewing up the worst of the memories, the biggest fears. I had to go somewhere, get a better perspective.

Trowa.

I almost cried as the thought of the man entered my mind. That was it. I could talk to Trowa, and the man would beat the stupidity out of me until the stupid fucking memories were black and blue. "I – I'll..." I was going to clean up the mess, but I couldn't. I had to talk to Trowa, and I had to do it immediately. I didn't want to see it again. I couldn't stand to see it again.

I grabbed my chair and clumsily replaced it before stalking hurriedly from the room.

I didn't even bother to check and listen to what Heero was doing; I just snatched up the phone and speed-dialed Trowa's number.

Thankfully it was Trowa himself that answered; I didn't want to deal with the added guilt-trip of having to explain to Qat that, though he was a very dear friend whom I trusted with my life, I didn't want to fucking talk to him. Instead I got Trowa's easy, lounging voice, and I gasped out his name.

"Duo? What's wrong?"

His voice sounded concerned, and the surprise I felt at that was enough to give me the air I needed to speak.

"I need you to yell at me again."

Trowa didn't say anything, and I began to fear that I was asking too much from someone who wasn't technically back to being my friend. But then Trowa said simply, "okay. Shoot." And I realized he was simply making sure he was alone.

"Trowa, Heero said he'd called you."

"Yes, he did. He told us that Merquise's job may not be over?"

"Yeah, sure, that, too," I said breathlessly. "But the name Caribol came up, and now I can't get my fears to shut the fuck up."

"What do you mean?" Trowa asked, his voice blessedly calm.

I began pacing back and forth in the living room, then looked nervously toward the kitchen. I'd chosen to keep the vid-phone off subconsciously, and now I moved toward the bedroom, leaving the vid behind completely. "I – I know, logically, that it's stupid." Talking about it made me feel like an even bigger idiot. "I know Heero probably won't do it again, but he's been acting weird since last night, and I don't know what to do."

Trowa's silence was a bit more full this time. "You mean you're afraid he's going to go undercover again."

It wasn't a question, and there was something weird in the back of Trowa's voice, but I couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm scared of that. I'm terrified of that, and I know it's absolutely fucking stupid but I can't-"

"Duo, end your damn sentence."

"Help it," I muttered. I closed the bedroom door and sat down on the bed. Trowa was considering something on his end, and I didn't know that it was something I wanted to hear. But it would probably be something I needed to hear."

"Duo, did you know that you aren't the only one to ask me for advice today?" Trowa asked.

"I'm not asking for advice, per se, just maybe some verbal abuse." Then I thought about what it was he was saying and gasped. "Are you fucking kidding me? Heero's talked to you?"

"Yes. And I can assure you that you're both fucking stupid."

I blinked. "Um – okay?"

"Duo, the best advice I can give you is to go and talk to Heero about this."

"About me remembering Caribol and thinking that he might do something he and I both know he would never fucking do?" Sounded like suicide to me.

"Yes. Talk to him, Duo." And Trowa's voice softened. "You might just be surprised about what's said, and what you discover."

Well, he wasn't being as much of a help as I'd hoped he would be, but at least his confidence was starting to rub off. "Thanks, Trowa. I'll do that." Even though I thought it would lead to my death.

"Good. And don't worry – Heero's far too worried himself to bite your head off. For now."

Well, thanks so much for the assurance, Barton. But I just sighed and thanked him again. "Sorry to bother you again."

"Any time you need someone to get your head out of your ass for you, you can count on me."

I thought of Wufei's smarmy comment yesterday in the car and grimaced. "You guys all have warm fuzzies for me, don't you?"

"A million of them. Good evening, Duo."

"Evening."


Heero was still in the kitchen when I came out, hanging up the phone guiltily. He was struggling with the dishes and his wheels, looking absolutely furious and about ready to hang the damn contraption again.

"Hey, Heero."

I was standing stupidly in the doorway, my hands reaching for the end of my braid instinctively. Heero swerved in his chair, his eyes not even flickering in pain as he stretched his healing collarbone. I quickly stepped out, saving his body the stress. "Duo." I could see worry and concern in his gaze, but my breath hissed in at the fear.

That was right. Heero had spoken to Trowa, too. That meant he was afraid of something, just like me.

I took a deep breath. "So, I think I have something I need to talk to you about."

The fear flashed to outright panic, but Heero simply nodded and looked irritably at the plates in his lap.

Wordlessly I took them and threw them in the sink, not caring about the clanging. Then I wheeled Heero back to the table and sat him down. "First, I'm sorry. I was being ridiculous earlier. And I should have spoken to you about this immediately instead of freaking out on my own."

The words seemed to cut through that look in Heero's eyes, and he cocked his head, considering. "'This'?" he asked.

"Yeah." I dropped down into the chair opposite him, the one I'd banged to the floor earlier. The table wasn't clean yet, but Heero had gotten the leftovers put away, and most of the dishes had been sent to the dishwasher. I should have been doing clean-up, not Heero, but panic attacks never chose convenient times to occur. "It's about yesterday, about Greaves."

Heero tensed when I said it was about yesterday, but he seemed confused when I brought up Greaves. I couldn't quite guess what the fuck he was worried about, but I would pull that one out later. For now, I had to ask him about this. Trowa may have sounded confident, but he wasn't here now. I was on my own for courage. So I pulled out my stubborn streak and cracked it like a whip onto my face.

"I want to hear you tell me you won't do anything stupid, like with Caribol."

Heero seemed shocked speechless by this exclamation.

"Look, I know it's not going to happen," I confessed, though a thrill of worry shimmered up my spine, wondering if I was wrong in that, that Heero really was planning to do something... the picture flashed before my eyes, and I closed them, trying to garner some control. Something stupid. I took a deep breath. "I trust you, I really do. It's just... I can't make the damn memories go away. I just need a quick reminder that you aren't retarded, and then I'll be okay."

I looked him dead-on, knowing that I was being pulled all over the damn place, my emotions going absolutely haywire. Fear that I was right, anger and myself for not having more faith. Worry, concern, annoyance – I added a quick, "sorry to make you say it again."

Something in Heero's eyes cleared at that, and he sagged in his wheelchair, almost as if I'd physically cut his tension with scissors. "It's fine," he sighed, and he looked so damn relieved that I didn't think there was room in him for annoyance. "I promise to answer truthfully as long as you answer my questions truthfully."

I blinked. Well, that didn't sound necessarily promising. "Yeah, okay."

Heero could hear the trepidation in my voice, since it was apparent as all hell. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down at the table, his face contorting slightly as he tried to figure out how to start.

"First," he said, and his eyes raised up to my face again, "I will never do anything like what I did with Caribol ever again, so long as I live. The guilt you and I have suffered through has been far too great. And the images won't leave me, either – the panic I'd felt, trapped in that damn bed while you were off... doing something stupid, yourself."

I nodded, feeling like an ass.

"Duo, I'll never do anything to deliberately hurt you, and I know that would. You don't need to worry about that. We'll fight together this time. I swear it."

The words were exactly what I needed to hear, and I smiled as those stupid, illogical fears were finally doused. "Thank you."

But here Heero hesitated, and before I could stop him, he stood. I was getting damn tired of that penchant of his. But when I stood to drag his ass, back down, he held up a hand and looked at me with a wary glance. It made me freeze part-way up, back still bent, lips caught on a breath.

"I am not a cyborg," he said quietly, "but I cannot escape the fact that J had given me enough drugs to... enhance me a bit."

I sort of understood, though I had no idea where Heero was going with this. I felt the need to stand, as well, if only to be on equal footing. I carefully scanned Heero's face for any signs of pain, but there were none. "Same," I told him, my voice questing, trying to find just what it is Heero was trying to communicate. "Immunities to poisons and other drugs, things such as that. Unless given a lethal dose of truth serum, I would still be in enough faculty of my senses to-"

"That's not what I meant."

Heero's voice was getting firmer and firmer, angrier and angrier. "Do you remember when I self-destructed my Gundam, that time when the colonies were targeted?"

How could I possibly forget? "Yeah."

"I should have died." I flinched, but Heero was too busy raking that hand through his hair again and turning away to pace. I watched the sudden, jerky movements with apprehension. If I tried to stop him from moving, Heero was frustrated enough to act on instinct. And the only instinct he and I had was a soldier's instinct. "But I didn't. I woke up from a self-induced sleep with relatively minor injuries. How?"

I didn't know, had wondered about it myself. But Heero seemed to know, and he appeared furious about the information.

"It's because of the drugs J had given me. They aren't anything bad. Apparently," Heero scoffed, "he'd practiced them on others to ensure their safety. But then he'd given them to me. Have you ever watched an old show called X-Men?"

Mutely I nodded, my eyes growing wider as I tried to understand what Heero was telling me.

"I feel like the Wolverine, though that's not quite it. He had the ability to heal at a radical pace. Mine isn't as ridiculous as his – of course not, that would be absolutely absurd – but it's good enough." He stopped his pacing suddenly and glared at me, almost seeming to et angrier as he saw the confused, shocked look I wore. "I can only presume he'd given the drugs to my predecessor, whoever that would be, and then gave them to me. I was with J from a fairly early age, perhaps around nine or ten. He had plenty of time to realize my predecessor's use as a guinea pig."

My brain struggled to catch what Heero was telling me. "So you're saying you're... meta-human?"

Heero snorted. "Nothing so insane as that. I'm merely telling you that my body is equipped with greater defenses and offenses – slightly greater strength, slightly greater speed. Slightly greater recovery rates."

My eyes fastened to his collarbone. "You aren't healed yet," I said, my voice both questioning and accusatory.

"No. But I'm close enough. The bone, I believe, has sealed."

"But you were feeling pain," I argued, my mind rushing to try to come to terms with the fact that Heero might be in much better shape than I'd given him credit for. "And you've stayed in the wheelchair – sporadically, but-"

"And now danger's here, and I have a decision to make." Heero took a deep breath, same as I had, and the glare he shot me was purely defensive. "Help you with the potential threats to your life, or risk everything by telling you the truth."

I thought back, remembering how Heero had flown from the height of his wrecked Gundam, coming out unscathed in just a couple of months. I remembered being told that there were metal bars vlocking off Heero's attempt to override the self-destruct sequence of the misiles on the military compound we'd been lured to, and remembered how Heero had managed to turn off the damn thing, anyway. My mind skipped to Zero, which Heero had somehow managed to master, and found myself almost believing what Heero was telling me. "How?" I asked finally. "How did you survive?"

"I don't know. The days during which I was injected with drug after drug... they're a bit hazy now."

Heero looked like he was getting ready to be sent to the gallows, and his almost-defeated look made me take stock. "You're healing faster than the doctor said, then. How far along?"

"Usually I perform at one hundred thirty percent more efficiency."

That sounded like a fucking quote. My eyes narrowed. "So instead of the couple of months of rest you were ordered for, you would need a bit less than a month and a half. But it's only been about a third of that, so you still shouldn't-"

"The doctor was going off the belief that I'd been healing at ninety to one hundred percent efficiency. Duo, this isn't what I wanted to ask you."

"You mean do I give a rat's ass about what that fucking bastard did to you?" I didn't let him answer, knowing instinctively that he was waiting to be labeled a freak, waiting for me to turn away. "It's true that I thought it weird that you could do all that shit. I freaked out when you blew your ass up, because I knew that no normal person could survive that."

Heero winced at the word 'normal.'

"But none of us are normal," I persisted, "and if I said I hated who you were, then I'd have to say I hate that you're alive. And that's something I could never say." I snatched at him and pulled his face down until his eyes were so damn close I had a hard time focusing on them. "I love you. I think the fact that my stupid fucking head can't get through to my stupid fucking heart would prove that. And it's embarrassing as hell to say that." I was flushed a bright, interesting red, I was sure. Hopefully Heero couldn't focus well, either. "The only reason I even considered harming you when you were with Caribol was because I thought – I thought you were gone."

Heero hitched in a quick breath, and I realized that Heero hadn't known that, that he'd wondered what I would have done if he truly were a cyborg. The fingers on Heero's cheeks trembled a bit as I considered that. No wonder Heero had wondered if we could continue together. "As long as you're in there, Heero," I told him, "I wouldn't care if you were a human computer, or a ghost. I love you."

And I dragged Heero's lips to mine and crushed them beneath my conviction.

Heero's hands wrapped around my waist, forcing me closer, until our bodies clung to one another. It started the fire, wrapped it tightly in a coil around my groin, and on a gasp I pushed away.

"You bastard," I hissed, "you're healed enough!"

Heero nodded slowly, wondering where I was going with this.

I thought of what I'd said last night and the agony I'd gone through, my body pulsing so damn hard it had been hard to fucking breathe. "You're all right," I managed again, then cursed resoundly. Heero flinched. "Fuck!" I said again. "Why the fuck did I say we should stop?!"

It didn't seem to be quite what Heero had expected to hear, and after a few short moments of confusion, his face contorted into a dark smirk. "Want to finish where we left off?"

"Now that we're both done being fucking special?" I growled. "Fuck, yes."

I reached for him, had just touched his skin, when a voice interrupted.

Sorry," Greaves said, popping through the back door, his face dead serious. "This time it truly is an accident."