A/N: Oookay, now don't worry! This story is DEFINITELY NOT abandoned! I am currently working with huskies in Austria for a bit, therefore I don't have set days off in which to work on stories regularly. So it's just a bit hard to get regular updates, as I'm busy with all the dogs and fluff!
I am sorry though, I do feel bad, and thank you all so much for being so lovely and encouraging and inspiring. n_n
Chapter 7
They made it to the motel in five minutes, and by that stage Cas was delirious and writhing from pain, hot to the touch.
Sam had gotten a decently out of the way room and they managed to park close by again. Dean couldn't relax though until he'd carried the angel in, got him out of the stained clothes and into bed. Cas lay limp with tense breathing for a while, Dean knelt beside the bed and squeezed his shoulder.
The blue eyes that met his could have shredded his soul from all the pain, confusion and misery in them.
"Rest now, Cas, we've got you. Sleep all you want." He couldn't tell if Cas believed him or even understood, but his breathing evened out some and his eyes slipped shut. When the angel's face had mostly relaxed save for a small frown, tension eased from the room. Dean breathed out a long exhale through pursed lips and stood. Sam watched him from where he was on his laptop at the table.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, now he is." Dean replied, glancing over his shoulder. Sam looked over too.
"How long do you think he's gonna need? I mean, we've been cutting it pretty close all day." That was an understatement.
"We're just gonna have to factor in more stops when we keep going. Every couple of hours at least, give him a chance to get out." Sam nodded.
"I just wish we'd checked sooner, maybe if we'd got that wound sorted out then-"
"I know. But we didn't, and we did the best we could under the circumstances…" They both looked over at their too-pale angel. "We'll take care of him, Sam, I know we can." Sam still looked doubtful, if determined.
"We're also meant to be working this case Dean, and Cas, we shouldn't move him for at least a couple of hours. Are you sure one of us shouldn't just go on ahead?"
"No. Small town like this, we'd have to move him eventually, and I'd much rather we all stuck together." Dean breathed a sigh. "Look, I'll go call Sylvester okay, give him a heads up. You see if there's anywhere we can eat around here and get some more medical supplies… Clothes for Cas too for that matter. I'll be right back."
Dean grabbed his phone and headed out to the front of the motel, basking in some sunshine whilst he dialled.
"Dean! Where the hell are you man? I know it's a long drive but you could have called or something!" Dean raised a placating hand automatically.
"Look, I know, I'm sorry. We've got a friend riding with us who was banged up real bad in a hunt that we ran into on the way. Things are going slow-"
"Well where are you? Is it at least close?" The hunter winced.
"Hays, Kansas, 'bout fifteen hours- Look, I know man!" Dean cut off the indignant squawking. "Hey, goy's like family, alright. We're not ditching him."
"If he's that badly hurt shouldn't he be in a hospital? This isn't the place for him you know-"
"Its complicated and he's coming. Believe it or not he can probably help, and either way it's better to have him around."
"What on Earth are you talking about?" Dean chuckled.
"Lets just say the guy's lucky or something." Dean didn't know how much this was strictly true, but there was a reason they always called Cas.
"Alright, well, whatever. You've got your reasons, and you're the best hunter I've ever seen… But what am I meant to do here man? People are getting hurt."
"I know." Dean jumped in quickly, "And I've got some things for you to investigate, if you can, me and Sam are doing all we can from our end, but things will go a lot faster with some info." There was a satisfied little huff of breath. Having a plan made everyone feel better.
"Well, alright then, what do you need?"
"Okay, great. Now, remember, only go to the houses under police lockdown. I can bail you out but I can't grow you back any limbs that someone's nana's been chowing down on."
=BREAK=
The brothers warded the room, then went and got food which they ate at the motel. After that Sam said he'd go pick up some more medical supplies and get some food for the road so that they didn't have to rely on anything bigger than a lay by when they needed to get Cas out. Dean waited for him to get back and monitored their comatose friend's breathing. Upon Sam's successful looking return, he went clothes shopping for Cas.
He had no idea what the angel liked, so he went purely on comfort and ease of use. He found the local old clothes shop, charmed the old lady behind the counter and got some price bargains on a hardy army jacket, some decent jeans, a smallish duffel bag and a sturdy pair of boots. Then he went to the souvenir store next door and managed to talk guns and hunting till he got a price bargain on an oversized jumper saluting Hays, a pair of sweatpants saluting Hays, and a large t-shirt saluting Hays. Finally Dean traipsed next door to the halfway decent clothes section of the supermarket, where he got no price bargain but it was dirt-cheap anyway. Not knowing whether Cas would hate it or even care he figured it didn't matter too much if it disintegrated. After all, he and Sammy pretty much had to pick up a couple of new things every fourth hunt or so. Life was too short for darning.
Armed with his final spoils of three non-scratchy shirts and a pack of boxers, because like hell the angel would know the difference right now, and Dean needed a couple of new ones too, he headed back to base camp. Carefully removing the boxers from the pack and ditching it before he did so. No need for Sam to pass almighty judgement on how cheap his big brother could be.
Castiel was still asleep when he got back; Sam was on the computer, having laid out what they'd need to change the guy's bandages later.
"Any good drugs?" Sam glanced over at the bottles and shrugged.
"Nothing that's any better than what we had, but we've got enough to give him better doses for his weight now at least." Dean grunted in reply, and set about chucking the clothes that Cas wouldn't need into the new bag along with the road food Sam had grabbed. It was handy to not have to worry about opening the wrong bag and flashing a shotgun when you pulled over to give your heavily injured angel a glass of orange juice at a picnic spot. That and it would be easier if Cas threw up again to have everything on hand. To that end, he shoved the spare medication and supplies in as well.
That done, he settled down for a few hours to help research their little cannibalistic granny problem, look for signs of the tablet or Kevin, and try to discover if there was anything big in the offing. After two hours even Sam was getting tired of the dead ends, so they settled for TV instead and waited either for Sylvester to ring or for Cas to wake up.
Six hours after they arrived at the motel, Cas still wasn't showing any signs of waking, and Sylvester hadn't rung. Both these factors combined made Dean's skin feel itchy, Sam was getting a bit antsy too.
"Do you think he's slept enough?" Sam questioned eventually. It was 11 at night now. Legitimately they could stay over, catch up on some much needed sleep and get an early start. That's what they should do. That's what Cas' body needed them to do.
"I'm gonna call Sylvester." Dean announced instead.
It turned out the man had been caught snooping around and was now being held in the police jail and questioned by the real FBI, who apparently hadn't managed to find all his cell phones. Dean didn't want to ask where the man kept them all.
"Sorry man." At least in the lockup he was safe, so Dean let himself unwind a bit. Of course, there was still the fact that grannies were eating their relatives out there, that couldn't be denied.
"Dean," Sam began once the elder hung up the phone. His sensible soft voice was in full swing.
"We need to make a decision here."
"I know." Dean replied, but only with a little impatience.
"You want to get down there, but Cas needs this. Are you sure we shouldn't split up?"
"No! I mean, yes I'm sure." He swung around to face Sam. "Like I said, we attract too much attention to stay long term, and Cas being the way he is, its hard to move him with just one person, not to mention, what if something kicks up again and whoever was with him needed to do another patch up-"
"Dean. We should take him to a hospital." At the words Dean blanched, Sam saw his brother's expression close and hurried on, pleading. "Look, I don't like it anymore than you do, but he's really sick, and I mean really. If we can't stay in one place, and we can't take care of him, then he needs medical help! Otherwise we might just end up-"
"Don't say it Sam!" He growled, Sam's expression hardened.
"We could kill him, Dean. This, this could kill him."
Silence hung in the air for a few far too long moments. Eventually Dean found his voice, or what was left of it, and spoke his quiet desperation to the carpet.
"He's an angel…"
"He's not been showing much evidence of that recently. Don't tell me you haven't noticed." His words shook the older hunter to the core. Of course he'd noticed. "Dean, what if he's-"
"He's not human Sam!"
"Well what if he is! So what if he is? Dean, he's still our friend, what does it matter?"
"It matters to me!" Dean shouted, eyeing Sam. His brother's eyes closed and turned cold, Dean watched as he fucking sneered in disgust."
"Right, yeah of course. What's the point in having him around if he's human? Is that what your saying?"
"No, that's not what I-"
"God your fucking cold Dean! I know things went to shit for a while but for the love of God cut the poor guy a break! You're gonna ditch him just because he's not flying on angel airwaves anymore? What kind of a person are you? Did you only like him because he was useful?"
"Jesus Sammy it's not that!" Dean threw his phone down on the table.
Then what is it?" Sam shot to his feet, shoulders squared. "Cos it sure as hell sounds to me like you're just hanging on the fact he's gonna magically recover, and if he doesn't-"
"Then it's my fault!" Sam backed down a bit at the shout.
"What?" He whispered. Dean's face crumpled, and he ran a hand over his face and hair.
"Its not that I don't want him around if he's not Smitey Mc Smiterson anymore, Jesus. Its just…" There was the pause. He could divert now, or lie, stop from telling his brother the awful truth… Or he could admit to it.
"Down there, in Purgatory. We fought with everything we'd got to get out. Well at least, I did." Sam slowly sat down, face that sad kinda open, listening. "Cas, he… he was broken Sam, given up, spent. When I found him it took everything I had to get him moving again, to get him to just stand up and come with me. I'd found out about a way out y'see, from the…things down there." Dean gulped and took a pause.
"That's the problem. We fought to get out, and Cas would do it, of course, but he never thought we'd make it. He didn't even really try. Though of course if we got attacked he'd fight us free. But down there, there were Leviathans and worse and…I just think he couldn't cope. Didn't want to be disappointed with a way out that turned out wouldn't work. That he never thought would work…" Sam was frowning, like he didn't get where this was going, but he didn't like it. Dean sighed and gave it up, the words leaving in a rush.
"Dammit he never thought it would work and then I… I made him believe me." Dean sat, dropping his face into his hands and speaking into his skin. "I promised and persuaded and forced him to believe it would work, and then, and then I…" Dean looked up. "He had just gotten so weak Sam, and when we got there and the portal was gonna close and he couldn't, couldn't pull through and. And I left him. I just left him."
That silence again, stretching on. Dean didn't dare look up.
"I made him believe I would get him out, I promised him, he trusted me, and then I left him. Abandoned him. Everything he'd been worried about came true. Damn it Sam you should have seen his face." Dean ended in a half rasped whisper, slumped, eyes on the table. Sam, to his everlasting credit, took a minute to compose himself.
"Okay, okay, I get it, I get why he's like that." Sam took a breath. "But, that doesn't explain why you-"
"Its my fault Sammy! If he's lost his angel mojo its because he had to scratch and claw his way out of that place, hunted and alone and exhausted, hurt, because I decided he was dead weight. And if we take him to a hospital, I'm abandoning him. And if I leave him here with you, I'm breaking his trust again. And if you leave here without me, then he'll think I'm just 'stuck here' with him… And if we take him…then I'm forcing him."
Sam looked petulantly outraged.
"Dean, have you even tried talking to him?" Dean slammed his hand down on the table with enough force to make it shake.
"And what am I supposed to say Sammy? Sorry I left your ass in purgatory but I thought you'd just slow me down and that I wouldn't get out? Sorry I'm dragging you around the country but I have a guilt complex and I think you'll break and hate me if I don't keep you close? Sorry we're in this whole sorry fucking mess in the first place but you see you broke out the leviathans and my brother's mind and dealt with a demon and got Bobby killed, and yeah, maybe I broke the first seal and caused you to die for me about three times and fall from heaven and always save my ass and maybe we'd be better off without each other but I actually really want this stupid, fucked up friendship to fucking work… Because…it's Cas, you know? He's just… he's Cas."
Sam gaped for a few moments like a fish.
"Again, are you going to tell him any of this?"
"Do you really think he wants to hear that?"
"Yeah I think he fucking wants and deserves to know that you actually think he's a friend!" Dean gaped at this.
"Of course he's my friend! Of course-"
"Then why are you two always acting like this? I know, trust me I do, that we had one hell of a screwed up childhood. And that he never even had a childhood by all accounts. But all it takes Dean is some positive feedback! It's really not that hard to have friends!"
"Well maybe it is for me! And for him! And maybe I don't want to ruin it!"
"You wont Dean! He just needs to know that you care! Not about whether he's an angel anymore, or whether he's able bodied, just say that you want him around and want to help him get better." At this, Dean levelled a look on Sam that was apparently dark enough to make his brother sit back.
"And do you really think he'll believe me?" Sam frowned, but not in confusion of the answer, just of Dean.
"Yes. Of course he will." Dean's snort had Sam glare and sit forwards. "If you stop pushing everyone away, and just keep doing what you have these last few days, than yes Dean. Of course he'll realise you care."
Dean froze, and it took him a few moments to realise what Sam had said that shocked him.
"You think I've been doing it right? This week?" The tone of his own voice made his gut clench, too small, too afraid. Sam's face crumpled, and then managed a smile.
"Yeah, Dean, you've been doing great. Kinda like when you picked me up from Stanford actually, and everywhere you dragged me too you saved every single person you could… I think your good for each other." Here Dean snorted again, but more to cover up the sappy moment, the warmth pooling in his gut.
"Make it sound like we're an old married couple." He griped, smile coating his words despite the gruff voice. Sam smirked.
"Well you kind of are… although sometimes its more like newly weds in an arranged marriage. You like each other but because you cant pull away you don't know what to do with it." Dean laughed.
"Wow! Okay Dr. Feel Good, no more day time soaps for you." Sam had the decency to play along with a pout before laughing, and handed him a beer.
Dean settled down to drink with a smile on his face and an exhilarating, if freaky, lightness on his shoulders. If Sam thought he was doing okay, then, maybe, maybe there was a way to make this all work out. After all, Sam may be a screw-up-kid too at time, but at least he'd managed to have friends.
The room was silent for a bit, maybe ten minutes, until there was a shift from the bed, a soft grunt and then a nearly shaky call of "Dean".
The hunter was up and over to the bed in an instant, crouched by Cas' side. The angel's eyes were clearer, bluer, but also a little…something he couldn't name.
"Hey there buddy, you alright?" Cas shifted a little and winced.
"Yes. I would quite like to wash." Dean looked over to Sam, who came by.
"You can't get the bandages wet Cas. We should change them now anyway, but… maybe a sponge bath-"
"Dude nobody is giving anyone a sponge bath." Sam rolled his eyes.
"He can do the important bits Dean. I just mean a bowl and some water with a flannel. Don't be a baby."
Dean grumbled a bit, Cas just looked confused, and then tired.
"Never mind. I'm fine, just the bandages then." Immediately he felt like a jerk. Sam raised a pointed eyebrow.
"Ah… I was just kidding Cas. Course you can have a sponge bath. Come on."
"Dean." Sam reminded, pointedly. The angel managed to look exhausted, fed up and unnerved at once.
"Please, no more fighting." He begged, voice straining a bit and fast. Dean watched him close his eyes and then look off to the side, a bit distant. "I've had enough fighting." With a gulp, Dean softened is approach.
"Yeah, I know Cas. I'm sorry. Come on, let's get you up."
=BREAK=
Dean sucked it up and helped Cas lower into the shower. He and Sam had wrapped the angel's stomach in sticky plastic over the bandages to protect from water. As their motel had just a cubicle Dean aimed the showerhead as if he were wielding a precision weapon.
Pretty soon, he felt like a dick for nearly refusing to help his friend out. Cas seemed to melt when Dean rinsed his hair and scrunched some soap into it. The hunter had to admit, he smelt better for it too, even if he did look bedraggled. He ran a washcloth over the angel's back and arms with efficiency before handing it to Cas and gesturing him to carry on.
Of course, Cas managed to clean himself just about, whilst Dean looked with determination at the wall, but couldn't reach below his knees. The taller man was only too happy to take over at this point, duly thankful for Cas toughing it out and not having to become intimate with the angel's privates. Cas' feet were a bit battered from not wearing any shoes, but as he shouldn't be walking anyway it wasn't really an issue.
The broken leg was healing okay, but Dean was already aware that more stress had been put on it than was necessary. Cas too, was already slumped in the shower stall, eyes half-mast. Dean helped him out and handed him a towel, setting the angel down against the wall.
"See if you can dry off a bit okay? I'm gonna go get some clothes, be right back." He patted Cas on the shoulder and went to rummage through the duffle bag.
Sam raised questioning eyebrows and Dean shrugged in response, pausing in his search.
"He's exhausted. But otherwise seems o-"
The sound of vomiting punctured his sentence and Dean felt everything in him crumble as he turned back to the bathroom, Sam stood and patted his back with a frown.
"Don't worry, I've got this." Dean shook his head and followed anyway. Cas was gripping the porcelain with weak fingers and spitting up a long stream of red tinted bile.
"Oh Cas." Sam sympathised, dropping down beside the angel and rubbing his shuddering back. Cas just glanced up with sick eyes.
"Sorry," Dean jumped forwards, clothes in hand.
"No, hey, its not your fault. Come on we'll get you some water." Together they supported Cas as he washed his mouth out and helped him into clean underwear and the Hays sweatpants, and carried him back to the bed.
Cas just about managed to support his weight, leaning back on his arms, as Dean changed his bandages. They were a bit of a bloody mess, but after a bit of careful wiping the wound underneath proved to be at least trying to heal, in some small way. Dean tried to offer the pallid angel a smile.
"Not doing too bad Cas." Cas met his eyes groggily and briefly raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement of the comment. Dean frowned in sympathy. "Yeah, I know." He gripped Cas' shoulder in solidarity and proceeded to help the smaller man into the Hays jumper, trying to ignore how he looked like a walking advertism for the town.
Sam fiddled with his phone for a bit and then faced the issue hanging in the air.
"So… are we staying here for tonight or…" It was clear that if they were going to move, this would be the best time. Few people watching, get some decent miles under their belt before morning, they could pull over whenever Cas needed without worrying too much about attention or traffic. Dean looked between his brother and Cas, who was looking between the two Winchesters as if sizing up his options.
Angel looked damn apprehensive about going back in the car. Dean leant over and gripped his shoulder.
"Hey Cas, man, I want you to be honest okay? Do you think you can handle it right now?" The angel sighed, and closed his eyes briefly before meeting Dean's. There was still that frigid and tense separation, but there was something softer too, something like that old spark of Cas he hadn't seen in too long.
"Honestly? I don't think they'll be much improvement later." Hearing the admission tightened Dean's gut, but he slid down to sit beside the smaller figure anyway, making sure to meet his eyes. Cas was tiring again.
"We can do it better this time, I wont let it get like this again, okay?" Under his hand and assurance Castiel was trembling, eyes flicking briefly towards where the car was with some obvious fear and nausea. That kicked Dean in the gut too. Sam came to join them.
"Just let us know when to stop if you need. And we will, even if it's the side of the road, we'll stop. Otherwise, I've set my phone to go off every one and a half hours anyway so that we always stop then." Dean nodded in appreciation to Sammy before turning back.
"We'll be a little slower, so overall its still gonna take a long time, but we're batting for your team now Cas, you got that? You're the boss okay?" Cas frowned a little, unsurely and ducked his head.
"I-if you say so, Dean."
"Doesn't matter what I say Cas, what matters is if you think you'd be okay?" Cas paused in every movement briefly, and turned his face up to Dean, something lighter in his eyes, shading them more ocean than storm, he seemed on the verge of saying something, mouth parting, before holding himself back from it, expression clearing and focusing on Dean. The hunter was taken back to a barn, a long night long ago, and an angel staring into his eyes like his soul was displayed there holding up all the answers.
"I don't know what will happen… but I would be able to try… that is…" Here Cas trailed off.
"It's okay, Cas." Sam intoned softly behind Dean, sympathetically. The look the angel sent them next was tremulous and left the angel shaking almost with the very effort required to ask it. The thought of rejection.
"I-if I… If I need to stop for, for longer, or a while… c-can we-"
"God, yes Cas, of course." Dean swore, voice rough with pain and guilt. He shook the angel a tiny bit. "I swear, I start doing anything that makes you uncomfortable, you feel free to just clock me round the head hard as you can from the back seat. Sammy too-"
"Hey!"
"Sammy too."
There was a long pause, Castiel meeting Sam's eyes before going back to Dean's. The angel took a gulp, took a deep breath, and nodded.
=Thanks for reading, see you next time…=
