So, here's the long overdue update. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to make up some excuse that is childish and immature. All I will say is that a lot of B.S. went down the past year and I've done some awful things to myself and others. As a result, I'm not as into Homestuck as I once was. I vow to finish this one way or another though. It will happen... if it's the last thing I do.
Chapter 8 and 9 are written. Just not typed or edited. I will at least post these two before another lengthy hiatus.
So... enjoy this chapter because all of you deserve it.
Disclaimer: i do not own homestuck.
== Be the cool kid who may have acted like a douche to a REALLY GOOD BRO a while ago.
I swear to Gog. Really guys. How am I related to her? I would love some insight on this this very instant. No, you don't have a minute to think about it, I want a straight, no hesitation answer right now.
You don't know where to even start? Here, I'll fill in the blanks for what I vaguely understand.
First off, there is me, the king of cool, to this girl, who is the queen of whatever-the-fuck-she-does. See! I don't even know what she is the queen of. If we were related, I would be able to tell right off the bat just like, "hey that girl is the queen of everything badass because she's my fucking sister" but I can't do that. Nope. Not possible in anyway. It doesn't help that she is showing her negative side in this...situation I have myself in. Well, actually I kind of earned my way into this, but hey, that's not important right now.
My situation? Oh right... Since you guys are so persistent on this broad, here's the scoop.
Right now, I was currently being scolded, tortured, and bored at the same time. Like, imagine a poor innocent child being smacked by his over-reactive mother for just asking for a cookie and that's the scene you will have. A little awesome kid with shades and a record shirt being scolded by an angry mother with black lips and a angry squid shirt. Is the mental image made? Good enough.
Now that I actually think about this predicament, it's actually kind of annoying with all the shit that has been going on. I didn't really expect her to go all out and torture me with words but I guess she decided to. How was it even possible? Shit, even I didn't even know that was mentally possible until she presented me with the onslaught. The scolding thing, not the cookie thing. (I know for a fact the cookie situation can happen; been there done that) It's almost worse than Bro's surprise attacks when I'm taking a gog damn shower. Almost.
Desynchronizing your brain with words...never thought I'd see the day. I didn't even fathom the idea until Rose decided to speak to me. She tends to do that a lot...talking and mimicking and a whole mess of psychological shit.
"David, please look at me when I'm speaking."
Internally groaning, I flickered my gaze over to her stiff form. Her shoulders were tense with anger and her knuckles were white. I wouldn't be shocked if her nails were being driven into her skin right now. I wanted to ignore her. I really did want to outright avoid her, but I was the cause of this anger so I decided to play the big boy card.
Trust me, it was a really hard card to pull out.
Sighing, I looked at her, "What?"
Apparently my voice just agitated her more, "Do not 'what' me David Strider. I'm about this done with you right now." I watched as she pulled up her index finger and thumb, measuring barely a centimeter in between. I didn't let my brows rise in surprise, that would be falling towards her satisfaction of making me feel bad, which is impossible since I already do.
Still, I couldn't help my shoulders becoming stiff at her anger, preparing for anything. Shit, I made her that pissed?
She continued to eye me with contempt as the teacher's monotone drone wore on. After a while I heard her nails hit the desk obnoxiously loud. She was waiting for me to respond, to react to my slip. I should have known better. From experience, I knew she was going to do everything to rub it in my face until it was all full of guilt in shit. It was practically her style if she had one.
She continued to do this for a few minutes longer and the only reason she stopped was because I decided to react.
Resisting the urge to throw my hands in the air with exasperation, I glared back at her through my tinted shades, "Well, what would you like for me to do about it Lalonde? Huh? What do you want from me that will make you so satisfied? Do you want me to cry my eyes out or confess how utterly shitty I feel right now or what? I'm the king of fucking cool, but I can't read your mind princess."
A few kids in front of us turned around to glare at us before shaking their heads and turning back to the teacher. A few others murmured to each other before pointing at us. I ignored them and leaned on my hand so that my gaze was fully on Rose.
I could tell Rose didn't "give a single fuck" on what the others were doing from my outburst by how she was glowering at me. It was like she was trying to pick my brain apart with mental skewers so she can throw away the parts she didn't like. Well she was going to hit a dead end on the case of that happening. I'm pretty sure at least 99.9% of my brain would be tossed out because she just can't handle my cool.
...
Ha, nah, she would do it just because she wants to make me feel bad, which I already do for your information. She hasn't seemed to grasp onto that herself yet.
"I don't know Dave. Something that will change how you reacted this morning or something to aid John in his distress over your immature ourburst? I understand you get angry, as everybody does, but you went beyond fury and lost control," she leaned closer as she seethed, "That cool you held so close and dear to you was lost within a single second. Do you even realize that? No, I doubt you even do or you would have ceased your actions. You would have ceased them before the infliction was caused, but you didn't. It was shot out like a gun in a shooting."
I watched her through unblinking eyes as she vented to me. It was far from over from the looks of it.
"Oh, but where did that loose control go? Who did that anger and pain and astonishment stab in the heart? John. It was sent straight to John, Dave. It was aimed at him and he took it while you continued to throw the same daggers at the same wound over and over with no relent or remorse."
Ouch.
I stared blankly at her for a moment, dumbfounded by the realization she pointed out to me. Fuck. She was right. I knew she was. When is she not right? I mean, she practically hit the bulls-eye...like she always does. I over-reacted and gave John the cold shoulder. It was like I kicked a sick puppy to the curb without giving it one look of regret or sympathy; like kicking it to the middle of a gog damn New York street and watching in indifference as it got ran over by hundreds of little coffin-cars.
Still, this is John. He'll probably take the kicking and brush it aside like it never happened! That's what he always does. He takes it and adjusts. I bet he'll even be his derpy self once we get home. I'll probably walk in and be like "Hey Egderp" and he'll turn around with a smile and just say "hey Dave" and our broship will be repaired like it never ended in the first place.
I can bet that once we get home, he will be watching Con Air or some piece of shit like that. He'll smile at us three and ask about our days and I'll apologize and it will be like nothing ever happened. I just know that.
Letting out a forced laugh, I responded, "He'll be alright Rose."
...?
Okay, listen here. I meant what I said when I said it until I said it. Every word that rolled off my ready tongue was as certain as the fact that I'll never beat Bro in a sword strife. As certain as the verdict that I will most definitely never think smuppets or Lil Cal as anything more than some creepy bullshit my brother was into. It was that certain. Those words were true in my mind and still would be had I not known Egderp as well as I did. Had I been a gog damn stranger, I would have believed my own words myself. I know I would have.
But now... now I know it was a lie. A bald-faced lie that placed me below cool by a good degree.
When I heard those words roll off, I knew I was wrong with saying it. I mean, I have seen what the derp was capable of. I know him even more than Harley who is practically his sister. I knew my words were wrong by what I had seen him do. No, not those pranks or some shit like that. I mean an actual act that made me wish I had never witnessed it.
But, then again, if I had not been there, who knows what would have happened to him.
I remember it all to well. It's the only thing that can slice my too-cool-for-you persona in half. It's etched-n-sketched in the back of my mind and it won't go away. That sick memory of him and just...that fucking act. The cutting, slicing, and severing of his pale skin was burnt into every picture of him. The sickening crimson and his expression. The expression of lost and abrupt defeat. The look that almost made my pokerface run for its money. His posture; the way he was curled in upon himself as if he was alone.
It was just so...so screwed up! He shouldn't have been the one to have done it. In fact, he shouldn't have done it at all. He should have been happy or elated or some synonym shit similar to that, not this. Not him. Yes, ever since I could remember he had been acting like a mouse, scared of its own shadow, but to me that had been normal. I thought that was his personality. That little moment though. That moment that scurried fear through my veins showed me that it wasn't what he used to be. That he used to be much...well, better than that.
I remember it so well that I suddenly felt nausea fill me from saying the words I just did.
- Flash back -
"Joooohn. Derpy boy. Broski. You there?" I called down the hallway, half expecting a head of disarrayed hair to pop out from one of the doors. No such thing happened of course but that would have been adorable as a fucking kitten if it did. I swear his hair needs some god damn laws of being as soft as it was. Bro doesn't know what he has.
I ran my hand through my locks in slight slight worry. So slight it was practically non-existant. No way a Strider worried, especially about a buck-toothed derp who has currently fled the scene before dinner. I was certainly not this worried you uttered. Nah, curious. Yeah, that's the word.
Normally, he would have been the first down, exploding in grins and laughs, but he hasn't come down and Jade is getting testy over it. He's lucky a bro like me is going up to get him and not his flamboyant (Rose would be proud of me right now for using such big words) sister. She would have dragged his ass with no say. I at least give him the decency of deciding whether I drag his ass down or if he preferred me carrying him down, bridal style of course.
As I neared his door, I heard nothing from his room. Nothing at all. If he was in there I would have perhaps caught the shuffling of paper and the resting of pencils, but all I could pick up on was silence. It was a little unsettling.
Then again, he had been absent since he got home from school in general. He didn't seem very happy so I kind of left him to his business. Normally I would have been all up in it, saying some shit on how it's fine or something like that to get his mind off of it, but Lalonde had to drag me to her room for some weird thing. She's been making me feel like a god damn experiment.
She's been trying to get us to remember this blank space we have in the back of our minds and I'm the guinea pig for it all. That being said, I was the last one going down for dinner and the interpreter for Jade to tell John to get his ass in gear. Knowing him, he lost himself on some Biology homework or project. For some reason he was like a fucking professional In that stuff.
Rolling my eyes, I walked up to his door. I knew which one it was by the symbol on it. We all had one. I had a gear on mine, cool red of course, Jade had a weird sign with curvy lines splitting from the symbol in a clock-wise motion, and Rose held a yellow sun. John's was easy to notice with the cerulean blue wave he placed over his. That, and it was the only door cracked open so normally it would be his. He's probably planning a prank.
I tsked softly at the sadly cracked open door with a smirk heavily on my lips. You should know better than to forget something like that Egderp.
Using speed and the irony of trying to squeeze through a door, I quickly entered the room. Everything was eerily quiet. It was almost unnerving. Almost.
Observing the room, I wanted to smile at how messy John's room was. Normally, he held things tidy, "things in there place" you know, but it was like a giant came in here, walked around, got confused, threw a fit resulting in everything hitting the fan, and then walked out. It was that messy though his horrible movie posters still hung proud and untouched. They mocked me from the corner they were at. I still don't know what John saw in those things. The movies were pretty damn awful, but whatever floats his boat.
Shaking my head, I turned my head to observe the other half of the room.
The bathroom door was closed, though the light was on. Of course. Egbert was hiding in the safety of his bathroom so he wouldn't have to face my fucking beautiful face. Though, it's still weird for him to be even doing that. I mean, he usually just sits on his bed and watches for my reaction so he could laugh or whatever a derp does when amused.
I still don't know if they chortle, laugh, or giggle (I have spent hours on this topic and have come up with nothing). All I know is that they are a species obviously known as the Egberts and even though they are nerdy looking, they can be deceiving. They are a rare species from what I can gather since there is rarely any mate that can relinquish their pranking habits. Their habitats consists of a prank-filled, Betty Crocker banned land known as Home. You rarely see them in action of their pranks, but you definitely experience it.
Off-topic Dave. Stay on fucking topic.
I shook my head slightly and leaned on one leg.
Anyways, back to my ironic observing skills.
Glancing about the small, messy room, I looked immediately at the corners. I bet he has cameras. Something to record my downfall. That would be an upgrade. He would probably upload it to youtube or some shit just for giggles and laughs. I wouldn't be shocked if I found a red dot trained on my sweet ass right now to be honest if that were the case.
I didn't see any of that either though. This was getting a little weird. I mean, if this was a prank, then I would be a goner by now right? He better not have outdid me on this factor. I observed every nook and cranny for something before looking at the door I just squeezed through with full irony.
Well, all of this would be the case had there been a gambit of pranks actually on the door.
Instead, there was nothing. Almost like he passed up the chance to prank me.
That wasn't like John at all. He took every advantage to prank us. Every. Single. Fucking. One.
Furrowing my brows behind my shades, I looked around the room for the prankster in speaking before remembering he was in the bathroom. I smirked a little though it was turning more so into a frown. What was up with Egbert? Normally, if he was in the bathroom, he would be out by now. No shower was running nor was there any sink that was dripping. It was just silence.
...
To be honest, that scared me a hell of a lot more than noise.
Walking to the door, I casually leaned on its surface to listen in. As before, nothing. I couldn't even hear any withdraw of breath nor a single hiccup of a cry from the room. Is he even in there or is he playing an actual joke? Maybe he actually is already eating downstairs with the others and I'm being overly paranoid. Maybe he's perfectly fine. Maybe my instincts are just being idiots and going all haywire.
I scoffed quietly, reaching to the knob.
Fuck it. A Strider's instincts are never wrong; this situation stirred uneasiness and I'm going to believe that something is wrong. I would rather check to be sure than to brush it aside.
Though... that would be his forte. He would set me off guard so that the real prank gets shown. It would definitely be a level up his usual if that were the case.
No. Remember what Bro always said Dave. He said to always trust a Strider feeling, even a small one. It may be the one thing that keeps you alive.
Or in this case, another person.
I gripped the cold door knob in my hand, prepared to open it to a surprised Egderp. I mean, yeah, that is what's going to happen. I was overly paranoid and he's just going to be observing his laptop or some shit and then BAM I come in and he would probably jump like a foot in the air. It was all planned out. Opening the door, scaring the shit out of the derp, tackling him, and then finally walking away like nothing happened at all, carrying the nerd in my arms like some cliché movie. It would be worth it.
I would be a boss, a ninja master preparing the onslaught of a enemy who has done wrong. I would be the bad ass black ninja that would swoop in and strife with him until he falls to the ground, helpless and begging for mercy. Do I give him that mercy? No, no I don't. He has done horrible deeds and shall be punished. Yes, that would be me. A cool-as-hell kid in the day and a ninja at night, conversions and shit.
First mission, silently creep through the door.
Being as quiet as possible, I open the door. Once it's barely out of the little nook, I let go and use my index finger to push it all the way open.
...
What the fuck.
What the actual fuck.
I could feel my lungs constrict as I saw the scene before me.
No. No no no.
Fuck fuck fuck.
This cannot be happening.
"What the fuck are you doing to yourself John?" I push out of my stiff lungs. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. All the carmine was starting to put me on edge. No matter how much I tried, my eyes wouldn't move away from the crimson dots splattering his outfit and the white tile floor.
John. Happy-go-lucky John Egbert, who pranks, who laughs, who is possibly the happiest person on this planet, was pulling...
No.
Even as I observed where the scarlet was coming from...even as I saw every little aspect in hyperactive colors and speeds...even as my breath quickened at the sight, I couldn't move. It was as if I was glued to the fucking floor. I know it was me. I knew it was my will that was causing this stillness of my limbs. After all, that's what normally happens with this shit. This was how I reacted. I didn't jump or move quickly or get nervous, I just stopped moving altogether. Something in the back of my mind always tugged at my conscious when I saw things like this. A little cut or a large gash always made me freeze. The only hints I would get would be milliseconds worth of images. One showing a man with a sword stuck within him and one of an orange bird-human hybrid.
After a minute, I shook myself out of my trance and started to move a little. I was watching John, watching for his reaction and watching for a sign that said this was an accident; that this wasn't what I thought it was.
I didn't get an answer though. The boy that currently sat on the edge of a bathtub, wielding a bloodied razor didn't answer. His lips were sealed and his eyes just stared at me, empty and not seeing. The blue-eyed derp who held "No one", "Murderer", and "Screw up" carved into his arms like running tattoo's didn't reply.
How else was I supposed to describe this to you? My BEST BRO was cutting himself up to pieces in front of my fucking EYES and I wasn't doing anything. My friend, my only fucking friend, is staring blankly at everything and his shredded arms and thighs, getting paler as I watched him each second.
Wait a second.
Wait a gog damn second.
Why wasn't I actually doing something?
Quickening my current speed, I dash to the sink, ducking to reach into the cabinets. I needed to obtain the necessities. I always kept them. Every single bathroom has these thanks to me. I don't know why but a little voice said to. That, and because I used to fight with Bro a lot and had to bandage myself after everything went down. Bandages, rubbing alcohol, wash cloths, water, and non-shaky hands. Those were the necessities. The Strider Medical Kit.
Going over to John, I avoided his eyes and gently tugged him down to the floor. I didn't want him to faint and hit his head on the faucet or something like that. For one, Harley and Rose would hear the noise and all this would hit the fan. Another, well, that would probably make this a lot worse than it really needs to be. I mean, he's already fucking BLEEDING. A concussion adding to that wouldn't leave to a good result; I should know.
I tried so hard to avoid his wounds. I attempted to just un-focus on them so I just see the blurred red, but I couldn't do that. It's like my mind just said, "Hey look, it's your freak colored eyes coming out of you BEST FRIENDS SKIN. How about we focus on it so it's in high-definition and you can see every little detail possible?"
The words were endless.
They were all over. How about this, it was hard to find a spot that wasn't marked by his inflictions. I could find a little patch here or a little spot there, but that was it. It's like he was a freak version of Picasso or something like that. It was that screwed up. Vertical, horizontal, curved, diagonal, it didn't really matter. They were all there. They all decorated his paling skin with reminders that will never leave him or I.
But...How could he have resorted to this?! This means that he was pretending and faking for our sakes. He has been putting up a facade that I have been too dim to even realize. Some friend I claim to be. Had I been a good friend like I say I am, I would have immediately sensed the difference and confronted him. I would have noticed it just a tad bit sooner than I should have and could have prevented this act. I mean, how long has this even been going on? Weeks? Months? Years even? How many worded scars cloud his pale body and stick out like my own irises? On the outside I was calm (glasses slightly askew and hair a little out of place), but right now I was not. Far from it. I was freaking out or "flipping my shit" as Vantas would say in this given situation.
Maybe I should get Rose. She would know what to do-
No I can't do that.
I'm not stupid, even though I just fancied that thought. John would freak out if the others knew. He would over think things and maybe even have a panic attack which would not be good in this case. A panic attack would run the blood faster and, therefore, make him bleed even more so than before. It's obvious he doesn't want anybody else to know, including myself.
Being his bro palhoncho, I'll keep it a secret until he says otherwise. Or... until it gets worse, which I hope to god it does not. This would be a temporary secret. I mean, even I have my fair share of secrets I want to stay hidden from prying eyes.
Well...damn, ain't I a good friend?
I immediately slapped myself out of that feeling. There is no time to be praising yourself. At least, not now.
Wounds. Think about the wounds. They are still bleeding vibrantly and you aren't doing a damn thing right now. Get a rag. Soak it in the warm water. Pour some rubbing alcohol on it as well. Place it on the word until it bleeds through and repeat the process. That is the best method for now, or at least that is what my mind could conjure in this shock. I was so absorbed in this that I didn't even notice his eyes readjusting to the scenery and realizing what was happening. I didn't even know he was...well alive, until I actually heard his cracked and tiny voice.
"D-dave? Wh-Wha-?"
Like a one of those letter magnets to a fridge, I averted my gaze to John. His face was almost feverish with the sweat that glistened on his skin and waxy to the touch. His eyes full of fear and dull with worry and the will to recede to the deepest corridors of his mind. He feared me and what I might do to him. He was wary and it actually killed me to see his face not lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. I don't know why, but perhaps it's because he was kind of the beacon of light in this little screwed up world we live in. He was my bro, but he was also like an anchor to not floating to insanity from all of this trauma and sickness.
He refused to touch me. He even tried to move his hands away from my curing ones once he realized what I was doing. He didn't make contact with either his eyes nor his body, but I could tell just from his language that he thought I was going to hurt him. He thought I was going to traumatize him and curled in upon himself. The only way I still cured his wounds now was by firmly holding him still and leaning in until he couldn't move away. It was like cornering an animal. I felt sick to my stomach and no matter how much I reassured myself this was going to be alright, I knew it wasn't. Things wouldn't be the same between John and I.
But that thought can be processed another day.
"Why did you do it?" I murmured. It was honestly an open question, half to myself and half to him.
"Do what?" He whispered shakily.
"Seriously John? 'Do what'? You want to know what I mean? I mean these John," I raised one of his arms in my hand, realizing with nausea how skinny and malnourished his skinny arms looked. I shook my head and pointed to each scar, "These gog damn marks on your skin. Why did you do this to yourself John? Why this fuck did you even consider this? Do you even realize how much this could hurt you, hurt others? Why? I don't understand what caused you to do this. Was it that I was being a horrible bro? Are there bullies at school that are bothering you? Is there something you're not telling me John? If it's me, or Rose or Jade, we can change John, but we need to know what caused this."
"N-No," he mumbled brokenly, "n-not your fault...nobodies fault...my fault...always my fault..."
"No. John, don't think that. Do you want to know the truth? This actually scares me John. I need you to stop thinking that way. Nothing is your fault. Nothing is ever your fault," I pleaded, lowering his arm to his side once more.
John shook his head, face blank and obviously ashamed, "My fault you are sad...my fault that things are not alright...always my fault...screw up...I can't do anything right...I-I can't make anybody happy". His eyes were droopy and sad. Tears welled in the corners and I knew he was going to get really upset in a minute. I didn't want him to get like that though! I never did! I just wanted to understand which is so very fucking hard when red words are attracting my attention at every syllable I stutter out.
"Why did you do this John? I promise not to get mad. Bro to bro companionship remember? Nothing will escape these lips to anyone," I whispered to his shaking form.
"I-I-" John stuttered, tears coming from his eyes.
Ah shit.
I didn't think for even a second.
With no hesitation, I pulled John into a hug. This wasn't an ironic hug either. This was a true bro to bro hug, a palhancho affection party, a full-on Hallmark moment of a friend comforting a friend that should be on a gog damn holiday card saying "Get well", "My best wishes", or even "hey, it's going to be mother-fucking alright, bro".
It didn't take long for him to comply and hug me back, harder than I initiated at first. His face was buried into my shirt, but I didn't even bothering thinking of the stain, or chest how wet my shirt was getting. His hands were clutching my shirt in fistfuls, but I didn't even fathom the idea as to it getting wrinkled or stretched. I didn't think about how awkward this is or how worried Rose and Jade might be right now. I just concentrated on John like a friend should do in this case.
I could feel my body reacting to his broken-record sobs as he shed tears onto my white shirt. I could see his head on my chest, shaking from the sobs wracking his body. My mouth might have dropped. His hands clutched at my shirt with a death-like grip. I might have clutched back just as hard. His voice produced various apologies like a scratched record on repeat. My teeth might have clenched as I possibly hugged him harder. All of these changes were happening to show just how much John actually meant to me, which shocked me a little. Nonetheless, I still held him like the world was going to end.
Sap? Psh...No that's not me. Strider's are never anything related to a class as that. We are ninjas, the Kings of Cool, but we aren't saps. We don't cry in soap operas or eat ice cream when our boy/girlfriends break up with us. We are the leaders of anything unexplainable. We are those people you would die to just talk to or even look at. Face it, we are like the polar opposites of saps. What gave you the idea of otherwise? You obviously don't know me as much as you thought you did if you thought I was one to begin with.
Ha, who am I kidding? This dork has reduced me to nothing but gel in his broken hands. I am his to mold and I guess I had it coming when I found him like this; shattered to pieces and painted red. Even as snot ran down his nose and his head hung low with every negative emotion possible in this world, I still held him like we were the last to people on Earth. His arms still bled , albeit slower, and he was getting paler yet I couldn't move a muscle to bandage them. He was turning into a ghost before my eyes and I didn't want to move at all.
But I am the only one who will fix him, right?
Sighing under my breath, I pushed him a little further away so that I could wrap his wounds in clean bandages. I started that whole process again and was about to just remain silent when a thought hit me.
Now is the time to put irony aside and actually do something nice and intentional. I need to do something that will scare the shadows away only to reveal the light in his face.
Shit, I can't remember the last time I actually sang though. Fuck. Maybe years ago? It was some ironic youtube face in between rap offs and photography. What did I even sing then? Some stupid song I never actually released to the Tubes.
How did it go?
I wracked my brain for a bit before finally settling on the lyrics. Okay. This should work. This should help him. If it doesn't, I don't know what will to be honest besides food or something.
Taking a deep breath, I concentrated on his scratches as I began.
"Hold on, what's the rush, what's the rush?
We're not done are we?
Cause I don't need to change this,
atmosphere we've made if,
You can stay one more hour.
Can you stay one more hour?
You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with me
You know I'm going to find a time
to catch your hand and make you...
...
Stay."
I peeked up to John's face and smiled a little when I saw John raise his head. He wasn't crying anymore. Score.
"Hold on, I'll be here when it's,
all done you know.
Cause what's the point in chasing,
if I can't enjoy your face and
We can't be wrong tonight.
Can we be wrong tonight?
You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with me.
You know I'm going to find the time
to catch your hand and make you stay.
I don't care what clothes you wear,
it's time to love and I don't care.
You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with me.
And if I way running,
you'd be the one who I would be running to.
And if I was crying,
you would be lining the cloud that would pull me through.
And if I was scared,
then I would be glad to tell you and walk away.
But I am not lying,
I am just trying to find a way into you."
By this point, John was smiling. No pretense smiles either. This was a full 100% legit smile. No buck teeth showing yet, but they were getting there.
"You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with me.
You know I'm going to find the time
to catch your hand and make you stay.
I don't care what clothes you wear,
it's time to love and I don't care.
You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with me.
And if I was running...
And if I was crying...
And if I was scared...
You know I'm going to find a way
to let you have your way with...
Me..."
By the time the last note drifted off to nothingness, both of Egbert's arms were bandaged and he was looking at me. No, not some half-dazed peek. I know a look when I get one. I mean one of those observing ones that you are just dying to know what the thinker was thinking. Not a glance or a peek, but an actual gaze.
Shifting a little, I watched as he tilted his head a little. He looked a little shocked by what just happened. I chuckled at the thought. I bet he didn't now I didn't just rap. I normally don't sing per say but sometimes I experiment.
"Did you write that?"
I nodded silently.
John nodded, wondering about something, "It was really good! Is it for somebody special?"
I hesitated before nodding again.
Nodding again, John sat back and rubbed his bandaged arms. He crossed his legs and placed his hands on his crossed ankles to observe me further. I felt like I was being scrutinized and immediately fixed my hair and glasses. He giggled and continued to look at me. He didn't look unhappy or depressed like five minutes ago. He was like he always was. Was that just a phase before? I hope so. I don't want to see that lonely as fuck look again. Not anymore.
"Dave Strider, you are still a mystery to me! Still, I bet whoever the song is for is really lucky to have you then," and then he smiled. He fucking smiled like he actually was really happy for me.
Smiling a little smile of my own, I tilted my head and poked John square in the forehead, "Yeah. Yeah they are."
-End Flashback-
"Strider, you do know it is considered rude in common courtesy to ignore one who is speaking to you," Rose commented and I rolled my eyes, fully out of my memory stupor.
"Yeah, but we both know that it is complete bullshit and pardoned when it pertains to you," I muttered, turning my head to look at her.
I didn't mean for my tone to sound so bitter, but I was still feeling the leftover emotions from the memory. The anger and confusion and sadness. It was a mixed ball of distaste that didn't cease to reflect in my words.
She raised her brow at me, arms crossed, "is there something your not telling me, Dave? I'm already quite cross with you already do feel free to mention anything. It's not if you have anything worse to tell, do you?"
Worse? Yeah I have worse. I have a million things worse than this, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear it. John would be in the spotlight and god knows he does not need that right now, despite my own sour resentment.
So I lied, as I always do when things turn out wrong.
I shook my head, staring ahead at the bore of a teacher. He appeared to be murmuring the incantations for the methods and formulas like I honestly gave a damn. I knew that these kids were curious about this subject, but I see no point really. At least, not now when other things are on my mind.
Rose knew me well enough to drop the subject when I did this, but she seemed quite adamant on defying that this time. Lucky me.
"I advise you to apologize to John when we get home. The stunt you pulled this morning was definitely a careless gesture on your part. You should have seen how broken he looked - how absolutely shattered he appeared to be."
I know I thought sadly you don't have to rub it in!
I met her eyes for a moment before looking away. I saw the accusation and I don't know, I suppose I stood up and defended myself. Even if it was the wrong thing to do and even if I said the wrong things. The words that was practically an invitation for her words to slash me open like a knife.
"But it isn't him Rose! He's one of them now. His skin is gray, his scleras are yellow. I mean, shit Rose! I wouldn't be shocked if he moved to Alternia with the others or something like that. You saw him Rose. You saw his change. How can you react so calmly to that?"
Rose's cooled down gaze heated up in an instant at my words, "How can I remain calm? Are you really asking me this? How about, how can you react to selfish? Yes, he's changed appearances, but are you really assuming he changed emotionally as well? Are you assuming that your cold words and stoic movements won't affect him? Forgive me, but are you really that stupid? He's still John. Dave. He is still our good-natured friend who is quite susceptible to everything around him. He has feelings and a heart. I know for a fact how much you harmed him. Would you like to know?
"I was there after you left and for a few seconds I saw his walls fall. He was about to cry, Dave. He ran to his room and locked it. Would you like to know who was the ONLY person to actually give a fuck about his well-being besides Jade and I? It was Karkat. He too the time to explain everthing and actually lectured us for our ignorance. He knew how John felt and he cared for him. Unless you are pulling your all-too-famous poker-face stunts, I don't see you caring for him. You say you are his friend, but are you really?"
I let it soak in, slightly slumping into my chair. Sighing, I turned to Rose and watched her uncoil slowly from the onslaught.
"I didn't mean to act the way I did at home Rose. I didn't mean to let my mind slip. It just... happened..."
Rose deflated, "I know, Dave. I just wish it just happened differently. John is distraught and who knows what is happening. I just hope Karkat can help..."
No words were expressed after that. It wasn't a comfortable silence, but it wasn't one we wanted to break out of foolish pride.
It was around the time when the bell rang. It being fourth period already, we just headed to lunch.
I didn't normally eat the lunch food so I sat down at the lunch table, pulling out a bottle of apple juice and a bag of cheesy Doritos. Opening that little bag was like openiing the golden gates of heaven. It was so majestic that my mouth watered and salvated at the site of such glory. Reaching into the bag, I grabbed a dorito on top. I was about to place the thing in my mouth when a sharp pain in my arm made me drop it. I watched in tearful agony as the one-of-a-kind dorito fell to the floor only to get crushed by stink-filled feet.
Rubbing my arm, I turned to whoever pinched me. I wasn't surprised when I saw Jade giving me a glare. Great. Two pissed off females. Now it's a fucking party.
I didn't bother asking why she did it, I mean, I just got done with the same talk with Rose. I'm not gonna repeat myself. That would only make Rose reheat her words and gog knows I have had enough of those for a day.
So what do I do?
I ignore her for a moment, fishing out another dorito in the process.
Not a good idea I soon found out.
Jade turned to me, fully aware of my ignorance and growled. Like she physically growled at me. The fuck was up with that? So I tuurned to look at her.
"Yes, Harley?" I spoke sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at me with anger. After a minute, she sighed.
"I guess Rose got to you first then? I mean, I could tell that you knew that's wrong," Jade asked anger still in her eyes but not as vivid as before.
These two. I swear they are acting as if I have not the inkling of a moral compass.
"Yes, David and I held a... feeling jams session if you will," Rose replied as I opened my mouth. Glaring at her, I took a bit of my dorito and sulked silently.
I knew Jade. She wasn't going to let me slide with a few words from Rose. Knowing her, she's going to place her own two-cents in there as well. Twisting the knife in the process much like I did... to John but a lot less painful.
"Okay, but Dave. Didn't you even consider how much you would hurt him? It was like if you shot Bec in front of my eyes! I mean he was crying-"
Keep calm Dave. You just talked to Rose about this. You're perfectly fine. Cool as a fucking cucumber.
"-really hard. I think he believes you hate him! I just don't know what caused-"
Let her finish and give a cool answer. Don't let it crack the surface.
"-you to act that way! That was awful and you should apologize to him super hard when we get home. That wasn't cool at all, Mr. Cool Kid."
Fuck it.
"I know Jade! Really. I do know. I didn't mean to act the way I did you know. I was pissed off and shocked and I just acted without thinking. It was just one gigantic fuck-up, alright? Everybody has one of those and I really don't see how I can't be in that group."
Jade's eyes widened before returning to their normal size. I didn't normally go into an outburst so I guess I see why she was so shocked.
Rose took this time to prepare her round of advice.
"Yes, so you say, but why would you be so uncollected at a time of surprise when you have gone through much worse? Events like your Bro going missing-"
"Rose, don't-" I interjected.
"-as well as our state of resources, our lack of money or memory, or even the friends on Alternia we don't even remember even having met. It's almost like-"
"Rose-"
"-John's change affected you harder than all those things combined. Almost like you feel non-platonic feelings for you, and I quote, 'Palhancho'-"
"Stop-"
"As in another quadrant. I can rule out auspitice and kismesis due to your guilt-ridden objectives so that only leaves two. Dave, a morail won't get that upset-"
"Quit it-"
"-over such trivial knowledge. That only leaves-"
"Rose." I deadpanned, glaring at her. She smirked at me, finally resorting to silence.
She got her message through and she knew it. That satisfied her for now I guess.
I could tell she wanted me to break. That was her goal. But get serious. Me having feelings with that derp? It's like one of those high school personas where the cool kid falls in love with the nerd. That's too cliche for a Strider. It's not even ironic! It's the opposite of irony. It's... it's not ironic. Nope. Fuck that.
The wheels in my head spun briefly, considering it despite my earlier denials.
...Though, as much as I'd hate to admit it, she did have a good point. I can't be in a kismesis quadrant without feeling utterly shitty about doing anything to him. Right now we are technically moirails, but this is something more. I don't know, how, but it is. As for auspitice... yeah, that's just not possible. That only leaves one quadrant.
...But that's not even possible either.
Yes, I notice his moods. Yes,I notice every smile and frown he gives. Yes, I might notice his change in attire, but still! That's nothing.
...
The crash I got was almost as surprising as adding one and one and getting four-hundred and thirteen.
Shit, I have the hots for the Egderp.
"Have you come to a conclusion brother dear?" Rose inquired.
"No," I lied.
"Are you positive borhter dear," she questioned again, a smirk laced through her features like a cat watching prey.
"Yes, Rose, I am," I replied, rolling my eyes. Lies were starting to build.
"But are you sur-" she was interrupted by the bell that issued lunch being over. Thank gog for that. Now I can keep saved by the bell as an actual saver.
"Dave-"
"Gotta go Rose!" I shouted, practically speed-walking down the halls to study hall. It was my free period which I'm glad for. Maybe I can apologize to the derp. I do owe him that at least. If I do have the hots for him, the first step to getting him would be an apology.
I barely make it to the class before the tardy bell rings. The teacher glares at me briefly before shaking her head and letting me sit down in my usual seat.
Sitting in my chair, back corner where the teacher never looks, I pulled out my phone and turned the volume low. I should be good from here on out. My next two classes are English, which we are watching this movie on Jane Eyre or whatever, and then chemistry, which is a make-up day. No, not that ironic girly shit, but a retake thing. Since I'm such a fucking cool kid, I don't have to do any of that. This gives me an hour plus to not screw things up and to smooth the creases.
Tapping pesterchum, I sigh in relief at the sight of John being on.
-turntechGodhead [TG] hsa begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:47-
TG: john?
TG: johnny boy?
TG: hey
TG: hey john
TG: please get on
TG: i need to say something
TG: shit that sounded sappy
TG: but listen
TG: yo have to get on so I can explain
TG: ...
TG: ill rap john
TG: i really will
TG: i know how much you swoon at my divine raps
TG: seated and blurred like shit in the trash
TG: looking for ladders of words for the rash
TG: hes beaten and tied down of a blown up bash
TG: raped by the words for a little cash
TG: sold and scattered like a slave
TG: trialed at acts he couldnt behave
TG: but hes buried and bitter from the lash
TG: angered by words from the mash
TG: unable to run, to get down and dash
TG: hes tied to the trash from an endless gash
TG: john come on
TG: please
TG: look, im begging you on my knees john
TG: and i dont beg
TG: you have to get on
EB: huh?
EB: oh shit Dave!
EB: i am sorry!
EB: i was...
EB: sleeping
TG: look john, im sorry
TG: i blew up in your face
TG: left you and shit
TG: i didnt mean to actually do that
TG: it just
EB: happened?
EB: yeah that seems to happen a lot
EB: it is okay Dave
EB: i know you hate me
EB: it is okay to hate a
EB: thing
TG: that's the thing though john
TG: i don't hate you
TG: your my palhancho
TG: my bro
TG: my only bro
EB: you are just saying that
EB: rose talked to you I bet
EB: i know you're lying
TG: john
TG: john no
TG: your not doing this shit
TG: im not doing this shit
TG: yes rose fuckin talked to me
TG: but she didnt tell me to do this
TG: im doing this
TG: im talking to you because of my douche actions from this morning
TG: im not lying
EB: ...
EB: you still think I am an it though
EB: and I am
EB: maybe it is better i I leave you three
EB: you jade and rose
TG: john no
TG: it would not be better
TG: it would be worse
TG: how in gogs name do you think its better?
TG: it may not look like it
TG: but i actually depend on you. you fucking keep things from hitting the fan
TG: if your gone
TG: then im gone too
EB: dave no
TG: john yes
TG: im not going to let you leave
TG: i you are leaving than I'm going with you
TG: you have no say in this john
EB: god dammit Dave
EB: you were not supposed to do this
EB: you were supposed to let me go
EB: say fuck you
EB: i don't know
EB: but not this
EB: why are you making this so hard?
TG: because im your bro
TG: and you dont leave a fucking bro hanging
TG: wherever you go
TG: ill be with you
EB: no Dave
EB: you have to stay with Rose and Jade
EB: they need you more than me!
TG: don't give me that BS john
TG: that's a flat out like and you know it
TG: i know you remember that one time
TG: how can you say that they need me more than you when that is in mind?
EB: ...
TG: im not going to leave you
TG: im like you knight in shining armor
TG: protecting you and shit
TG: so john
TG: are you still leaving
EB: ...
EB: ...
EB: ... no
TG: thanks john
TG: fuck
TG: i still need to tell you something
TG: dunno how you will react
TG: but i need to say it
TG: ...
TG: fuck how do you say these things
EB: dave?
TG: listen john
TG: these words coming from my mouth are legit
TG: so believe them
TG: but out of all the people i have met
TG: boy, girl, troll, thing
TG: i
-turntechGodhead has ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 1:18-
Shit! I sent it without finishing my sentence! Damn phone.
Grumbling, I stuff my phone in my pocket as I see the teacher coming up to me. Just to top off my day with a cherry.
"Mr. Strider, I'd advise you to keep your phone off and up from now on."
Glancing up at ms. what-the-fuck-was-her-name, I nod, though I really didn't give a fuck. I could never remember her name nor would I like to.
I saw a shadow appear behind the teacher and I was about to speak about it, but resorted to just raising a brow and suppressing a groan at the familiar silhouette.
"Can my brother go to English now miss? I wouldn't want him to be late from a teacher who rarely keeps an eye on her students."
I looked to the left and noticed Rose, as predicted, holding her spirals and a black smirk on her lips. Oh, right, I had the next period with her...
Just my loving luck.
The teacher observed Rose for a second before walking away. Sighing, I glared at the real demon of the equation.
"So how do I have the pleasure of walking with you."
"Oh, just wondering if you figured out your acute feelings brother dearest. I mean, you did practically run from me as I questioned you further. Do you have a conclusion for me to obtain yet?"
I packed my folders into my back pack and swung it on, making sure it was on right and not unzipped, "No Rose, I didn't even fathom a conclusion. Can we drop it and go to class? I actually like my next teacher."
She pursed her lips but nodded as we headed off. I knew the topic was not over, but the sooner we get to class, the sooner I could talk to John.
Even by running, Rose and I barely made it to class on time. I wasn't out of breath like most teenagers who rush in, but I still got attention as well as Rose. The teacher-turned her head and rolled her eyes, turning back to her seat," Right on time as always Mr. Strider, though this is a first for you Lalonde."
"Yes, it seemed I had to... obtain something that took longer than thought," she replied, eying me with a sly grin. I shuddered and walked to my seat in the back. Ms. Cool (her nickname by me) turned on the movie. As the credits rolled by for the beginning, I pulled out my phone. Looking at pesterchum, I cursed under my breath. I knew something would backfire when I talked to him. Every message I scrolled through ripped me to shreds.
-turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:18-
EB: dave?
EV: dave you what?
EB: do you hate me?
EB: ...
EB: it's okay... i hate me too
EB: please get on
EB: dave please
EB: you don't leave a friend hanging
EB: ...
EB: was this your goodbye then? to me?
EB: a final apology and prank?
EB: well...
EB: you fooled me Dave!
EB: you got me good...
EB: ...
EB: won't you get on
EB: i am actually scared Dave
EB: and I need someone
EB: it figures the time i need you most your not around
EB: ...
EB: well dave
EB: i am glad we are bros
EB: ...
EB: were
EB: i guess it was a matter of time before I had to let you go...
EB: again...
EB: goodbye dave
EB: and thanks for being my bro
EB: my only one
EB: ...
-ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turnteachGodhead [TG] at 1:25-
-ectoBiologist [EB] changed it's status to offline-
Fuck.
I slumped in my chair and stared blankly at the memo. Since he's offline, he will never see what I post. Once I leave this chat, this conversation will be terminated. Nobody will view it.
...
It's not going to hurt to put it out there. Besides, it probably more productive than watching this boring movie.
-turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 1:47-
TG: hey john
TG: i know your not going to see this
TG: shit, even i wont see it after i leave
TG: but i was trying to tell you something
TG: and got distracted
TG: you got it wrong
TG: like you sometimes tend to do in your derpy antics
TG: i dont hate you
TG: i never have
TG: but its alright john
TG: ill prove it to you
TG: ill comfort you when you cry
TG: and hold you when your weak
TG: and fight off your demons when your scared
TG: ill be your loyal bodyguard
TG: just give me a minute
TG: and ill be your knight of time
TG: so john
TG: until that moment arrives
TG: ill be your bro
TG: the best fucking bro i can be
TG: dont leave just yet
TG: because
TG: ...
TG: you know what
TG: no
TG: ill tell you this in person
-turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 2:26 -
Can't believe it took me 40 minutes to write some shit he'll never see. I mean, seriously, its gone now but class is almost over. Fuck. Well, now all I have to do is get home to apologize further.
The rest of the school day passed like a blur. It felt like mere seconds after the last thought appeared, the last bell rang. I didn't waste a second to get going. I grabbed my bag and dashed to the cheap, used car we had. It was nothing but a rusty box on wheels, but it works. Beggers can't be choosers.
I tugged on the door and watched in annoyance as it threatened to fall off.
Almost. It almost works.
I sighed as the vehicle groaned at me getting into it. Fucking thing should be grateful to have a guy this cool sitting on its seats. I shifted slightly in the uncomfortable seating before settling in my usual spot. Throwing my backpack into the back seat, I placed the key into the ignition and waited for the damn thing to roar to life. Once it did, I sat in the seat and scrolled through the radio stations this thing did pick up.
Minutes passed and no sign of the broad or Jade. Being the awesome guy I am, I wasn't anxious, but I sure felt close to it.
Hurry up Rose and Jade. Seriously. I don't have all fucking day here.
Almost like a miracle, I spotted a pair of familiar clothing in the crowd of students running from the school to get home.
Within a few minutes, Rose and Jade were dashing across the street. Harley held a worried gaze on her face while Rose held a more passive expression. I could tell I wasn't the only one that wanted to see John right now though my reasons were more personal.
Once they were in, I didn't see if they were buckled in before speeding off. I stayed within the speed limit, but just barely. I could feel Jade's nails digging into my seat and I looked back at her.
"What if John isn't alright Dave... Rose?"
I looked over at Rose and pictured John leaving. Shaking my head, I turned to the road again, knuckled bleaching but face and voice composed, "He's alright Jade. Trust me. You, Rose, and I know John and he'll be alright."
"Dave-"
"He'll be alright Jade.. I promise you that much at least."
All was silent after that. I mean, what could you say really? Make that frown upside frown because Ebgert won't leave town? Don't cry my friend because it's not his end? Smile at me because he'll smile too you see? There is no rap to save this silence nor any song to console it. To be honest, we were okay with it I guess. Silence and fog. Shit, I'm starting to sound gog damn psychological like Rose. This isn't good for me. It'll permanently stain my record.
At least the silence didn't last too long.
We didn't live far from the school. We were fairly close though it felt like an eternity before we pulled into the driveway.
Dashing out, I waited to see Rose and Jade walk out before grabbing my bag. I locked the doors and went to the front door, reaching it first. When I opened it, Vantas was standing their with an angered as fuck look on his face. It was like staring at a pissed off kitten to be blunt, but it was still kind of weird for him to be this furious. And what's worse. It appeared to be pointing straight at me. Lovely. Was it freaking time of the month or some shit for everyone?
I saw a blur and then caught myself on the door. My vision was blurred briefly but I shook the deficiency out.
"Dave!"
"Karkat?!"
I rubbed my cheek and sighed.
Ow.
Took me three seconds to notice my face was forced to the left.
Two seconds to feel the pain.
One second to realize I've been punched.
