Title: Alright On My Own Chapter 7

Author's Note: For disclaimer, see chapter one.

TW: discussions of death, suicidal thoughts, loss of a child

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Chapter 7

November 23, 2000

She doesn't sleep, and when the alarm goes off at just after 6:00am, she shuts it off quickly, checks to make sure Olivia is still asleep, and crawls out of bed, padding quietly into the kitchen.

She readies the turkey on her own in just under 45 minutes. Once it is in the oven, she settles on the couch, coffee in hand, flicking absentmindedly through the tv channels. She settles on The Rugrats Movie, which is playing on Nickelodeon.

Olivia joins her halfway through the movie. She sits close to Alex, draping her arm over the back of the couch. Alex smiles lightly and rests her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"How'd you sleep?" Olivia whispers.

Alex shrugs. "I didn't really sleep."

"Why not?"

Alex shakes her head, searching for the right words, suddenly feels too constricted, too overwhelmed by everything. She stands up and pinches the bridge of her nose, pacing across the living room. She stills herself in the kitchen, gripping the counter by the sink. With a deep breath, she darts into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Olivia stares at the tv, her brow furrowed in confusion. "What did I say?"

Nearly an hour later, Alex comes out of the bathroom, fully dressed in jeans and a dark hoodie with her hair pulled up into a ponytail. "I'll be back in a little while," she says, pulling on her sneakers.

"Wait," Olivia says, "Alex, where are you going?" She jumps over the back of the couch and grabs Alex's hand. "I'm sorry."

Alex looks down at their joined hands, reveling in the feeling of Olivia's calloused palms against her own smooth ones, and then looks back up into Olivia's eyes. "I just…I need…I have to do something."

"Right now?" Olivia's voice and eyes are pleading and Alex feels like she's drowning in the comfort Olivia provides.

Alex forces herself to break eye contact, and reaches for the handle of the apartment door. "I'll be back in a little while. Put the stuffing in when the time goes off."

"Alex," Olivia says, making a last-ditch effort to get her to stay.

Alex smiles lightly, squeezing Olivia's hand gently. "I have to go."

"Come back. Okay, Alex? Come back here and we'll deal with whatever's going on."

Alex nods. "I will." And with that, she turns and opens the door, disappearing into the cold morning.


She walks through the city for over an hour with no sense of direction. The morning air is bitterly cold, but the sunshine is bright and the wind blows lightly.

She keeps her hands shoved in the pockets of her jeans and the hood of her hoodie puller up over her head. When she finally looks up at where her feet have brought her, she gasps.

The church looms over her, its open oak doors strangely inviting. She pushes off her hood and climbs the steps. Once inside, she turns left and takes the steps down to the basement.

Though she only attended two meetings here before life got in the way, she can't help but feel as though the basement meeting room of that Episcopal Church is a safe haven. The chairs are still arranged in the circle formation of the meetings, and she sinks into one close to the stairwell.

She rests her elbows on her knees and places her head in her hands. "I'm trying so hard," she whispers, staring down at the cross painted on the ground. "Every day is a battle that I am not equipped to fight. Most days, I have to bribe myself to get out of bed. It doesn't feel worth it most days, Hunter. It doesn't feel like I should go on living when you are forever five years old."

She sighs and wipes away the tears that have begun to fall. "Olivia is a godsend, Hunter. She's good and bright and warm and she's everything I'm not. God, she reminds me so much of you, Hunter. I wish you could've met each other. I know you would've loved her."

A warm hand on her shoulder makes Alex jump, and she looks up to see Julie smiling at her.

"I'm sorry," Alex says, scrambling to her feet. "I should've …" She trails off with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Stay," Julie says, nodding to Alex's chair. She sits in the chair next to the right and just looks at Alex.

The two are silent for a long time before Julie begins to speak.

"When my daughter died, I was, like most parents, inconsolable. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't force myself to get out of bed. The grief counselors and the self-help books all tell us that that is what we should expect. They tell us that losing a child is the worst pain a person can know. But they don't tell us how bad the pain actually is. They don't tell us that our hearts will be replaced with a boring pain so intense it will feel as though someone is driving a corkscrew straight through our hearts. They don't tell us that there will be full days where we just sit on the floor of our baby's closet and hold their clothes to our face just to smell them. They don't tell us that we'll break down in the grocery store because we accidentally bought their shampoo. And they certainly don't tell us that there will be moments when the bottle of sleeping pills sitting on the bedside table and a bottle of alcohol will feel like our best friends."

She grasps Alex's hands in her own and looks into Alex's eyes. "It doesn't get better, Alex. I wish I could tell you that it did. But four years have passed and I still hurt as much as I did the day Ella passed away."

"How do you do it? How do you get up every day and do what you have to do? How do you lead these meetings?"

"I ask myself those same questions every day, and the answer is simple: I do it for Ella. I do it so no one else has to feel as alone as I did. And I do it because it helps."

"Thank you," Alex whispers.

Julie lightly squeezes Alex's hands. "Don't mention it."

Alex stands up and is halfway across the basement before she turns around and asks, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving dinner?"

But Julie is already gone.


When she enters Olivia's apartment forty minutes later, Alex is instantly bombarded by a worried Olivia Benson.

"I'm sorry," she says before Olivia can get a word in. "I know I shouldn't have left like that. I just…I had to get out. I had to breathe."

Olivia crosses her arms over her chest and leans back on her heels, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "You should've brought your cellphone."

"I thought I did." Alex reaches into the pockets of her jeans, surprised to find them empty.

Olivia shakes her head. "You left it on the bedside table." She sighs and runs her hand through her hair. "I know today is incredibly hard, but I want you to know that I am here for you, Alex. You don't need to wander the streets to clear your head."

"I wasn't wandering the streets," Alex says. She sighs and runs her hands over her face. "There's a support group that meets in an Episcopal Church on Fifth that I go to sometimes." She shrugs, the tips of her ears turning red.

Olivia's expression softens and she takes hold of Alex's hands. "There's nothing wrong with getting help, Alex."

The timer on the over goes off, startling them out of their moment. Alex chuckles nervously and walks into the kitchen to tend to the dinner. She pulls the turkey pan out of the oven, replacing it with a pan of stuffing and a pan of yams.

By the time she has collected herself and walked back into the living room, Olivia has already set-up the VCR and is getting ready to start watching The Santa Clause. Alex pauses in the doorway and has to smile at the way Olivia is sprawled out on the couch with Alex's favorite throw blanket covering her.


Thanksgiving 1999

It is the first day Hunter has been home in seven weeks. The chemotherapy had been ravaging his already-weak body, but now that he is on an every-other-week treatment plan, he is able to stay home a week at a time without any problems.

But still, Alex is worried. She keeps Hunter in her sight at all times now, even when they are sleeping. Well, when he is sleeping. Alex doesn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time anymore.

She makes their Thanksgiving dinner while he sleeps on the couch, The Santa Clause playing for the fourth time that morning.

Walking over to the couch, she kneels down in front of it and strokes the top of his head where his brown hair used to reside. His eyes flutter open and he looks at her, giving her the best smile he possibly can. She presses a feather-light kiss to his forehead, aware of how easily he bruises now, and feels a tear begin to slip down her cheek.

Hunter scrunches his eyebrows and leans forward, pressing a kiss to Alex's nose. "Don't cry, Mama."

But that only makes Alex cry more.

"Gonna be okay, Mama."

Alex fully sits on the ground, pressing her right side against the couch, and reaches up to take hold of Hunter's hands. "It is, baby," she says, kissing the back of his hand. "It is gonna be okay."


Present Day

Olivia looks at her expectantly, throw blanket pulled back to reveal a perfect spot on the couch for Alex.

Alex blinks. "I'm sorry," she says, shaking her head. "What did you say?"

Olivia smiles sadly. "Do you want to watch the movie with me?"

Alex looks at the tv, the movie paused on its opening credit. She shakes her head, turning her focus back down to the ground. "Maybe not today, Liv."

"We can watch a different movie," Olivia says quickly, reaching for the remote.

"No." Alex shakes her head adamantly. "No, you like this movie; you should be able to watch it. This is your apartment and that is your tv. Don't let me stop you from watching something you like."

"But—"

Alex holds up her hand. "Watch the movie, Liv. I have a few things I need to catch up on. Do you mind if I use your office?"

Olivia shakes her head. "Not at all. But are you sure you don't want—"

Alex looks pointedly at the tv. "Watch your movie." Walking past the couch to get to the office, she ruffles Olivia's hair, looking back in time to see the detective giving her a playful glare. Alex rolls her eyes and walks into Olivia's home office, closing the door behind her.

She sits at the desk, her portfolio open to the back where she keeps a picture taped for the days when life is just too hard to bear.

The picture had been taken on Hunter's third birthday. Trevor had flown up the Sunday before with plans to make the week of Hunter's birthday the best week possible.

In Alex's eyes, he succeeded.

The week was spent doing various activities and spending days at various amusement parks and attractions. The day of Hunter's birthday, they spent the day at Reptile Gardens.

The picture was taken while they were visiting Methuselah, the 600-pound giant Galapagos tortoise and Reptile Gardens' long-time mascot. Hunter was sitting between Alex and Trevor, his face covered in the chocolate ice cream Trevor let him have for breakfast while Alex was reading a pamphlet on Methuselah.

It is the last picture Alex has of the three of them in which they all look carefree and happy.

As Alex looks down at the picture, a tear slips from her eye, landing softly on the leather it is taped to. With a heavy sigh, she closes the portfolio and stores it back in her briefcase, comfortable knowing there is no way she will be getting any work done.

With a firmer resolve than she feels she has, she walks into the living room and sits beside Olivia on the couch. Olivia doesn't say anything. She just readjusts herself so Alex has a spot to cuddle into and throws the blanket over Alex's lap.

And Alex suddenly knows exactly what she is thankful for.

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