Mia

Two days ago when we were out running errands for stuff to get before the funeral I made Adam take a slight detour. As we rounded the corner of my old street my heart started to palpitate. It felt like looking at something through tunnel vision, everything around the edges is blurry, but the center is crystal clear. The center is my old house, the house I grew up in, the house that belonged to Kat and Denny Hall.

What saddened me the most was how it looked the exact same, nothing changed, As if all I had to do was run through the front door and I'd find Teddy in front of the tv, or mom sewing something cool, or dad smoking on his pipe, and they'd all been there all this time, just waiting for me. For a split second that thought actually seemed real. I wanted to make it real. I wanted to crawl inside that day-dream where I had my family back and live in it forever, As if the accident never happened, then Teddy started to fuss in his car seat, breaking the illusion. I slouched back in the front seat deflated. Adam grabbed my hand

"Your hands are ice-cold" he laughed blowing on them like he always did.

I shrugged, I appreciate the attempt to lighten the mood but it wasn't exactly working. I couldn't stop staring at the house that once was mine. I don't know what I was expecting to feel like when I got here but now it was all so real.

Adam sensing my sadness suggested,

"We could go up there? Maybe knock on the door? I bet whoever lives there now wouldn't mind letting you see the place, you know, all things considered..."

I shot him a look, maybe harder than I intended. But the only thing sadder than the way I'm feeling now would be to go inside my old home with everything inside changed, with different people's stuff, where my stuff once laid. No I couldn't do that.

"Or not" Adam gave up. Blowing a hard breath out through his cheeks.

"No" I murmured. "I can't.." Was all I could manage to say.

"I know" Adam half smiled, and brought my hand still entwined with his up to his mouth and kissed it.

I allowed myself one more minute to look at the house. Then I told Adam we could go, and we drove away.

I'm sure most people might wonder why it's taken me so long to ever come back here, 8 years is a long time, and truth be told Im Not really sure myself. It didn't start out that way, it's not like I boarded that plane and said I'm never coming back. It's just being in New York allowed me to get lost a little. Lost in myself, lost in the world. I didn't have to think about it so much because I wasn't constantly reminded of it, which was nice at first, but then it became this fear of coming back. The fear of memories resurfacing, of the pain, and the sadness. In the beginning there were days when I couldn't get out of bed, not because of my physicality, but emotionally I was wrecked.

When Adam came back into my life and we were together again, that fear slowly dissipated. It was nice to talk about them again with someone who really knew them and loved them too. He never pushed me to come back here, or to face my fear about it, I think he just figured I'd deal with it when I was ready.

I still miss them every single day and it's the little things that get me now a days. Like Teddy's first word, or his first step, Or Adam winning some award, or how amazing he is as a father. All the pictures that are now piling up on the walls of Teddy, or me and Adam. I think about what pictures with my Son and my parents would look like hanging on our wall, Or when Adam officially asked me to marry him and he'd had a ring, how my first thought was yes! And my second was how I wished I could call my mom. I know Adam doesn't mind waiting for me to get it together and plan our wedding, he's not in a rush, besides neither one of us is going anywhere. It's just that every time I go and look at a venue or think about a guest list or my wedding dress, or whose going to walk me down the aisle, I can't help but feel the sadness of knowing their not going to be there. In my head they're always there, yes, But physically, never again. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it so I put it to the side and focus on Teddy, or Adam, or practicing my cello.

In a strange way, you'd think as we wind our way towards the cemetery now, where their buried, I'd be a mess, but I'm Not, I'm calm. I glance at the sky and am so glad the clouds are still grey. Not that I want it to rain or anything, but nothing's more off-putting than when your sad in the bright sunshine. Adam hasn't let go of my hand since we picked up Teddy from my Grans. By the looks of it he had a great time because he's still passed out in the backseat. We had to stop at the booth towards the entrance to ask where the Hall plot is because it's been so long neither one of us remembers. I bought her flowers, star-gazers, her favorite. For my dad I bought tobacco, and for Teddy one of Adams picks. I think he would like that. He always loved punk rock music.

"Hey guys" I eek out. With a lump in my throat the size of Canada. I'm standing directly in front of their headstone. It's beautiful, black quartzite with all three of their names spelled out in some type of cursive script, and at the very top in bigger scrolled writing is the name HALL, in all capital letters. Mom, dad, and Teddy are all buried together in the same plot. The way it should be. I always found some comfort in that. Even if I couldn't be with them, and even though their souls have moved on, their physical forms will always be together for eternity.

"It's been a while" I continue. "sorry about that..."

I'm holding Teddy in his baby carrier, he's looking up and smiling at me. Adam offered to take him, to give me a moment alone with my family, but I think the comfort of having him attached to me now is keeping me from breaking apart. Besides, there's nothing I want to say that I wouldn't say I front of them. Adam puts the flowers, tobacco, and the pic on the headstone and returns back to my side.

"This is Teddy" I start, "but I know you already know that. He's almost one. Which is kinda crazy. Now I understand why everyone talks about time going by too fast. Adam says he looks like me, but I think he's kind of a perfect mix of both of us. He's a wild one, like Teddy used to be. He'll probably end up being a drummer.." I laugh a little and feel the tears start streaming down my face. Adam grabs my hand and squeezes, and doesn't let it go. I continue on with my monologue of what my life is like now. I tell them all about Teddy's first steps and first words. Adams amazing album. How I'm still playing the cello, but not touring so much anymore because I want to be home with our son as much as possible. How I think maybe eventually I'll retire the recital circuit and maybe become a music teacher like my dad. Adam talks to them too. He tells them not to worry about me, because he's going to take of me, forever. How he asked me to marry him, and I actually said yes. We're both crying now, tears visible on both our faces. It's not embarrassing though, it's actually comforting. From the beginning my family, and my home was always a safe haven for us. It's nice to know that still exists. After awhile, when we've said all we have to say, we both just kind of stand there in silence for a bit. A thought occurs to me, and it's something I've never told them. So I do.

"I miss you guys everyday, and I'm so sorry about what happened to you. But I want you to know that I'm glad I stayed..." I glance at Adam who looks shocked by my admission.

"..and I'm ok. So don't worry about me.."

Afterwards we decided to go get some lunch. My anxiety always making it so I can't really eat much, suddenly I was ravenous. We went to one of our old favorite places, the Mexican restaurant we used to always go to after Adams gigs late at night. I felt a weird sort of serenity flowing through me, just really calm, and maybe a little lighter. Adam has Teddy on his lap and he's giving him a tiny piece of his burrito, and he's saying something to me but I'm not really listening. I'm still kind of lost in the thought that has over come me. He waves his fork I front of my face and it breaks me out of the haze

"Hello? Earth to Mia? Did you hear what I said?"

"Oh,..Sorry, what?" I respond.

He looks slightly annoyed but responds.

"I was saying we could be back to New York by the weekend. When we get to Liz's ill book the flights"

Oh. Without even thinking about what I'm saying I blurt out

"We should get married this weekend.." Stone silence. I continue.

"..here. In Oregon."

I wish I had a photograph of this moment and Adams face. It would be worth a lot of money. He's dropped his fork and is staring at me like he just saw a ghost. I smile and raise my eyebrow while taking a sip of my coffee. He's still processing it. Teddy starts laughing, and then I laugh, but Adam is serious.

"Are you messing with me?" He asks a little confused.

I shake my head no.

"Nope. Dead serious"

He's still silent. I'm going to help him.

" look, I just want to marry you. And I don't care about big fancy weddings, dresses, or cake, and bullshit. I don't care if there only 5 people there. Or better yet, if it's just me, you, and Teddy. It's just being back here.. It feels right. Like it's meant to be. This is our home, Adam. This is where we met, so it seems only natural that we should forever be joined together here.."

And then, oh my god, the smile that crosses his face is the definition of happiness itself. It's a ray of sunshine on a grey winters day, it's the reason I get up every morning. It's life, bottled in magic. He doesn't say a word, he just leans over the table, baby and all, grabs the back of my neck, and kisses me hard. He is Fire, and passion, and burning with desire. I forget for a moment that we're in a public place, or that there's a baby here. Because that kiss is consuming me, making me want more of him. Suddenly Teddy speaks up.

"Mama" he croons. And I can't help but smile wide, breaking the kiss. We both start laughing.

With our foreheads still pressed together I take a deep breath and come back to earth. Sitting back in his chair, with that goofy smile. Adam looks like 10,000 lightbulbs are lighting him up from the inside.

"Yes. I'll marry you this weekend" He breathes out ,smirking. As if his answer was ever in question. I laugh a little and respond.

"Good"

I glance at my phone, and then frown, realizing what day it is, and what comes next.

"Holy crap, the weekend is only a few days away. I have a lot to do.." And then I feel the anxiety come back and know I can't finish my food, so I push the plate away. Adam chuckles and hands me our son who is now reaching for me.

"Well you've got two helpers" he laughs. Finishing off the last of his burrito.

"True.. Although this ones not much help, but he sure is cute" I nuzzled my face into Teddy's hair, breathing in the scent of him, and kiss his head.

We pay our bill and head out to the car. I've got a lot to take care of, but first I need to call kim. She better cancel all her plans, because she's got a wedding to attend, And at that moment it really truly hits me; after this weekend I will be Mia Wilde.