AN: I know, I know. I suck at updating. It's been another month. But my Addek muse seems to be evading me more frequently than before, and I can't write anything substantial without it. Nevertheless, here's the next chapter. The plot's going to be a little more interesting, and this definitely keeps the story going. =)

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates with all my fics. I've been busy with school and personal issues that I hardly find time to sit down and relax anymore. However, I'm co-writing a story called Private Emotion with Addie'sPractice. Please check it out. The draft for the next chapters are already with me, but gathering dust because I'm too busy with school and peer mentoring. At any rate, please read it and let us know how we can improve.

Thanks for reading this fic, btw, and as always, I own nothing. =)


Another sleepless night had come and gone. After a short and very silent dinner with Addison, he decided to let her have her space to think while he thought things through himself. What started as an innocent meal gained such intense velocity in terms of words thrown, that they had to retreat before they started killing each other. He stared unceremoniously at the ceiling while he lay down on the top bunk of the on call room bed, needing to make a decision soon. Not a wink of sleep was to befall him as he weighed all the possibilities in his head. There weren't a lot of things he was sure of, and tonight was no exception to the confusion that was saturating his very being. So he spent it, whiling away the time weighing the pros and cons as Mark had advised, and cursing himself for digging a hole too deep for him to get out of.

And as the sun's bright rays slowly seeped into the dimmed on call room, he had come to a conclusion. It would hurt him to let go of Meredith, but he realized that as far as all the years he had spent with her was concerned, never had a day gone by that he didn't think of Addison Shepherd. It was in those quiet times that he would realize that his heart would always belong to that fiery redhead who, as always, was two steps ahead of him in every way possible. He knew Meredith wouldn't take it lightly, and he was sure Addison wouldn't either. But he would never find this much clarity again in his life, especially amid all the confusion saturating his every being.

So it was decided. He would leave Meredith for Addison. It wouldn't be quick and painless. And it sure as hell wouldn't go about without inflicting hurt on all three of them. But he had made up his mind that regardless of the turmoil, they would all eventually come to a place where they could call themselves civil, no matter how long it took. There was something to be said about the way he had come to that conclusion with just one night of thinking things through, it was that he had trusted his gut, his primal instincts, because they almost always led him to where he was meant to be.

With a sigh, he shifted himself to a sitting a position and rubbed his eyes tiredly. His heart was heavy, that was for sure. Because no matter how much he loved Addison, Meredith was his wife too, and he loved her dearly. He stared at the blank white wall for a good 3 minutes before he heaved another sigh and got out of bed. Today was going to be a long day, but he wasn't planning on prolonging anything. He would talk to Meredith and Addison as soon as he found a good time to. There was, after all, no reason for him to string along the both of them after he's had seven years to think.

He put his shoes on and ran a hand through his hair to make him look a little more presentable, before completely standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles on his scrub top. If there were anything he was dreading for the day, it would be the look that would be on Meredith's face. He didn't know what to expect, especially since there was a side of her he's never seen before. That side, the fighter, the bitch, was something he had never witnessed, and something he all together feared because now, both the women in his life weren't going to take shit from anyone, and that didn't spell anything positive at all.

He thought about dropping them both, leaving them in the air and starting over, with a clean slate. But it would be a waste to throw away all the history, and all his misery these past years would be in vain. How he came up with a decision in one night was beyond him, but regardless of his confidence in that decision, something far greater was at stake, and everything, the progress and the way they would move forward, was on his shoulders.

With another sigh, he walked to the door and out to the harsh reality he called his life, leaving the relative sanctuary of the on-call room to figure out a way to fix his mess. More than anything, he wanted to be sure that at least 80% of him, of his heart, of his soul, was in his decision, so that there would be less complications in the future. So he stalked to his office once again, plopping himself on the seat behind his desk and fishing out his mobile. He could feel the tension radiating from his body as he went about his chores.

He dialed Addison's familiar number, needing to make his decision concrete, to tell someone, to make him progress so that even if it was a hurried choice, he would find it in himself to stand up for it. He heard it ring thrice before the sound of Addison's sweet but tired voice filled his senses.

"Hey, babe," he greeted, tired but feeling a tiny bit lighter after hearing her voice.

Despite herself, a small smile crept on her features, and she adjusted her mobile phone. "Hi, Derek," she said back, fixing a strand of hair behind her ear.

Derek smiled slightly. "Did you sleep well?"

"Relatively well," she answered. "Still getting used to sleeping on a bed, but I'm getting there." Her answer was honest, and it would seem as if she innocently wore her heart on her sleeve. But really, it was just her exhaustion that kept her from being guarded. She was much too tired both physically and emotionally, possibly even too tired to deal with Derek but it had to be done.

He was pensive as he pursed his lips in thought. "You sure you don't need anything to help you sleep?" he asked, the worry in his tone quite apparent. If she wasn't getting enough sleep, that was cause to worry, right?

She nodded into the phone. "Yeah. It just takes some time to get used to."

It was his turn to nod. Something in her voice made him worried, but he knew that worry was merely magnified because it would always be in his system to worry about Addison. "Are you still at the hotel?"

"Oh, no actually. I'm on my way to hospital to see you." In truth, she felt guilty about how she acted towards him the night before, practically giving him the silent treatment before berating him for things she knew were unfair. And although she knew he didn't deserve it, part of her couldn't restrain that bit of resentment towards him for picking up another bride. She was Addison Montgomery, and she didn't like sharing, especially the man in her life.

"Oh?" He was shocked. He wasn't expecting her to be so open about spending time with him, considering how their dinner went. He thought he was still mad at her, because somewhere along the lines, he was still shaken up too.

She shrugged, sheepish. "Yeah. I… I'm really sorry about last night. You didn't deserve that."

"Don't worry about it," he asserted.

"Still," she said, apprehensive. "I want to make it up to you. I was being unfair, and irrational, and I'm not entitled to that. So, to make it up to you, I...Are you free for lunch?"

Derek suppressed a slight chuckle and looked at his watch and realized he didn't have time for lunch today, only a leisurely breakfast before a 5-hour craniotomy scheduled. "No, I'm sorry. But I do have time for breakfast," he offered, his tone hopeful.

"Breakfast is fine. I'm on my way anyway," she said, taking up on the offer, but really just trying to get on his good side by being the one to compromise.

He nodded. "I'll meet you at the lobby?"

"Lobby sounds good. I'll be there in 15 minutes."

Despite everything, he found himself hastily combing his hair and brushing his teeth, even changing his scrubs so that he would look the least bit presentable even without a shower. He was excited to say the least, because regardless of the complications, part of him knew he had been deprived of spending time with Addison, and to be able to do so was a chance he could never pass up. It was a quick transition, from apprehensive to excited, and he didn't know where that had come from. All he knew was that something had sparked inside him, and he wanted to make the most out of spending time with his wife.

So in promptly 15 minutes, he situated himself at the lobby and waited for her red hair to appear amid the rush hour crowd at the hospital entrance. He tapped his foot impatiently, a sure sign of anticipation, and when he spotted her, he rushed to meet her whilst being conscious about how he smelled and looked. He almost felt as if he were back to his post-grad days, when he was trying to win over Addison during med school.

She spotted him making his way towards her, and she waved a little as a soft smile splayed on her face. Pushing past people, she met him halfway and shyly placed a kiss on his cheek, unwilling to take the chance to be part of the hospital rumor rill. After all, Richard had told her how awful the hospital grapevine was, news spreading like wildfire even during an emergency. It would be in her best interest to lay-low for a while, until their issues had been settled. She wasn't happy about it, but just like everything else they had called routine these past days, it had to be done.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself," she answered, feeling Derek pulling her towards a less crowded area of the hospital. "Breakfast?"

Derek nodded, planting an affectionate kiss on her forehead and lacing his fingers with hers tightly. "I was thinking of bringing you to some really good Seattle coffee."

"And bagels, maybe?" she asked, hopeful.

He turned his head and grinned at her. "Bagels it is. And waffles, too, if you want. I know this place that serves really good maple syrup with them."

She scrunched her face up in thought, pursing her lips as she tried to remember what maple syrup tasted like. She had almost, after all, forgotten just about everything, even the way Derek felt beside her. Everything now was new, and she fancied herself getting reacquainted with everything she used to know perfectly. "Are you sure you're not talking about IHOP or anything like that? I mean, I'm totally up for IHOP since I haven't had it in years, but did I honestly fly all the way to Seattle to drink IHOP coffee?"

Derek had to laugh at her remark, a tingling sensation filling his body as he was reminded of how they used to be, how Addison used to be. It had been a while since he experienced this kind of comfort with someone, and although everything was far from fine between the two of them, he reveled in the temporary bubble they had put about themselves in order to, in essence, enjoy their reunion. "Well, I'll have you know that IHOP has been totally trumped by something far better out here," he grinned.

Addison looked up at him and met his playful gaze, shocking herself at the intensity of her emotions. She wasn't sure how to explain it, how to explain the things going through her head and filling her senses. In fact, the closest word she could associate to what she was encountering was herself being bipolar. She was gallivanting off from one emotion to another, all completely different that her mind couldn't grasp the way things were unfolding. How she had gone from forlorn, to angry, to blissful, to purposely ignorant was beyond her. It was as if she had very little control over her emotions, but couldn't do anything about the situation. So she chose to ride with it, pretending to be happy, pretending to be completely closed off from the world with only her and Derek in a cloistered space. Because she knew that if she faced what she called her soap-opera reality, she would find no peace of mind and drive herself completely insane.

So instead of allowing whatever logic was nagging at her brain, she allowed herself this moment to revel in the lack of reason and enjoy the blissful feeling of being in Derek's company once again. After all, there were still things left to be thankful for, and she could overlook the complications if only to be grateful for the things that went right in her life.

"Lead the way then," she said finally, and unlaced her fingers from Derek's grip to wrap her arms around his waist as they walked. He returned the gesture by letting his arm rest on her shoulder, the other one clutching her arms and reveling in the warmth of Addison's body close to him.

They continued to walk in comfortable silence, Derek occasionally rubbing his hand on Addison's back to make her feel warmer against the cold Seattle wind. When they got to the small café Derek had spoken of, he lead her to a corner table and slid on the seat in front of her. When they had ordered, another silence consumed the both of them, and all of a sudden, the easy company turned the tiniest bit awkward, with a lot waiting to be said but none of them willing to go first, or knowing how to say them. It was another case of them being bipolar, which wasn't really often, but it made them both sit on the edge of their seats more than they'd care to admit.

Addison stared at her hands, picking off invisible dirt under her fingernails before she heard Derek clear his throat in preparation to say something. She looked up and met his anticipatory gaze with a curious one of her own.

He smiled at her nervously, and she quirked her brow to urge him to go on.

"I know we weren't exactly the type to beat around the bush or anything like that," he started. "So I'm just going to go right out and say it."

"Okay?"

Derek breathed in, a long calming breath, and took Addison's hand in his. "I thought things through last night, and I've come to a decision."

Addison straightened her back in preparation for what could only be considered a life-changing choice. What Derek was going to say next would dictate how the future would turn out, and she hated how her life depended on the few short words Derek would be uttering in a moment's time.

"And?" Her breath was baited, but she managed to keep her tone even, with no trace of panic until it was absolutely necessary.

The subtle fear and anticipation in her eyes weren't lost on Derek, and he squeezed her hand in an attempt to reassure her. "I'm leaving Meredith," he said. "I'm divorcing her so we can be together."

She stared at him, trying to comprehend what he had just said. Well, of course he would leave Meredith, right? That's what he told her yesterday. But instead of dwelling on the fact that it was still up for debate for him until last night, she let it slip and let out a sigh of relief. Smiling slightly, she squeezed his hand back and nodded.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked, needing to know there was no turning back for him. "I mean, you have to be sure. I have to know that you won't wake up one morning and realize you miss her and then want to leave me. If you're just obsessing over your lost chance with me, then by all means, retract what you said. Because I want you to want me, truly. Not for any other reason."

He nodded, understanding her train of thought, and he knew that Addison needed the constancy. But more than anything, he needed Addison to know that whatever he vowed in front of friends and family all those years ago still held true, no matter what had transpired in those 12 years. He knew that Addison didn't need any more hurt in her life, and he was more than happy to promise her she wouldn't get hurt anymore.

"I want you, Adds. I still want the whole picket fence and mini-van dream. And no, that's not me being obsessed with a lost chance, as you put it. This is me really wanting to be with you," he said, pausing. "I want to be able to keep you."

She said nothing at this, only trying to absorb the weight of his words and understand all their implications. She was gravitating towards him, and no matter how much she tried to dig her heels on to the where she stood, she was unconsciously drawn to him, his love, the way things were easy with him and the way he seemed to take away all the pain.

"I just… have one request from you," he continued, his voice a little stronger than a whisper.

Addison was slightly taken aback, but she raised her brow anyway to urge him to continue. "Oh?"

"I… don't want you to do anything. I mean, nothing about my marriage with Meredith. Don't have your dad do anything, don't have anyone do anything for that matter. I'll divorce her legally. Meredith just doesn't need any more pain. This is all my fault and I just think that if we declare anything void, it would make her feel like all these past years were for nothing. And I don't want that. No matter what my decision is, she would still be that person who helped me pick up the pieces when you were gone, and gave me a reason to get out of bed and face the world. So please, I'm asking you as the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to please just let me handle this myself."

The look on his face was pleading, begging her to understand his predicament. And although her father had spoken to her about being cautious of her actions, she sighed in defeat and nodded. She wouldn't be vindictive, because that was unbecoming of a Forbes-Montgomery, and certainly more unbecoming of a certain Addison Forbes-Montgomery. It wasn't exactly against her judgement, because she had a heart, regardless of the impression she made on Meredith before. She was still as sentimental and emotional as any woman who went through what she did, she was just better at keeping them all at bay.

"If that's what you want," she conceded, and took comfort in the fact that Derek had chosen her, that the very foundation of their relationship was still standing up in strength. She was an iron lady, but she her heart wasn't made of stone and she could, in a way, empathize with Meredith's situation. Sighing, she unclasped her hand from Derek's and nodded. "This mess is no one's fault," she admitted. "And I suppose I'm overreacting. Meredith doesn't deserve to get hurt any more than she already is."

In response, he nodded and withdrew his hands from the table to fiddle with the hem of shirt, a nervous habit. "Thank you."

"Just promise me something, Derek," she continued, her eyes glimmering with restrained hope. He looked up, waiting for her to continue speaking. "Promise me that this is it. After the divorce, we can put this all behind us and move forward together."

She looked almost pained, and he mentally berated himself for putting that in her system. So he nodded emphatically, needing her to believe him, to trust that in spite of the fact that he gave her reason to doubt, there's a gleam of hope, of faith somewhere that she could hold on to.

He offered his hand up for her to take again, and she took it gratefully. He would promise her the world, the moon, the stars, move mountains and cross oceans just for a chance to be with her for eternity, no matter how cliche it all sounded.

"I promise," he whispered, the weight of the world lifting from her shoulders with those two simple words.

-

Breakfast had come and gone, and the heaviness of the conversation seemed to have dissipated as they moved on to talk about lighter news, such as the well being of Derek's nieces and nephews, sisters and mother. And when the time had come for them to go back to the hospital, their fingers remained intertwined until the last possible second.

Addison had gone back to the hotel room, anticipating Mark's arrival, as he would fly to Seattle that day. Derek, on the other hand, went to perform his craniotomy. With his chest eased up after the conversation, he was able to perform it smoothly, and the only thing left to do was talk to Meredith about his impending departure.

He almost dreaded it, but he knew it should've been done soon lest he suffer the wrath of Addison's anger. There was, after all, nothing keeping him from leaving her. Their marriage was technically void, and there were no children to bind him to her. What were left were his innate need to be the good guy, and his sincere love for her regardless of his decision. And to see her face crumple in utter agony would make him question his beliefs if he didn't do it now.

So he purposely went off to look for her, needing to hold on to the determination he had summed up all through the day so that, in essence, they could move forward starting tonight. He spotted her filling up some charts at the nurses' station, and he took a deep, calming breath before walking over to her. This was it, the moment of truth, and to say that he felt like he was walking to the guillotine was an understatement.

"Hey."

She looked up from her writing and smiled, recognizing his voice. "Hey. I was looking all over for you today. You didn't come home last night." Her tone wasn't accusing, because she had no right to accuse after all. It was just a statement, something void of any emotion but worry and curiosity.

"Yeah," he answered sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck, his arm outstretched. "I spent the night at the on-call room, and I had a craniotomy all morning."

Meredith seemed to accept the explanation and nodded. "How's Addison?"

Derek had to raise a brow incredulously. He couldn't fathom that she was asking about Addison considering her opinion of the redhead. But she had asked, politely at that, with no trace of bitterness or sarcasm or accusation, and it was but right to answer in the same manner. "She's fine. At her hotel room, I'm guessing. Mark's on his way up there."

She nodded again and closed the chart to face him completely. She was through beating around the bush. She wanted to be direct because the agony was prolonged as they made small talk which, admittedly, was just for show. "We have to talk," she started, her voice slow and calculating. "Figure out how to fix this mess."

He looked straight into her eyes and led her by the arm to an empty exam room. She understood, and in that moment, there was common ground between them. Once in, he locked the door and found her seating herself on the exam table, and he stood a good meter from her, his arms crossed over his chest. She was fiddling with her fingers, not knowing how to begin.

"How about I start?" he offered, sensing her discomfort. He could read her well, something that was rather surprising because he wasn't always in tune with her, because he was always distracted and didn't exactly care enough to notice any mannerisms she had. But he had noticed now, and he was going to use it to his advantage.

Meredith looked up and nodded gratefully at him. She was bracing herself for what he had to say, but more importantly, she was bracing herself for what she was about to divulge. There was no reason but that of absolute desperation.

"Thank you," she whispered. Even with the way he was trying to conceal his emotions, she knew what he was about to say. She knew he was leaving her, she knew he was trying to make it seem trivial, like she didn't deserve someone like him because she deserved someone better. He was going to try to cushion the fall, to make things easier on her part because it would be easier to have someone to blame. He was going to try and uplift her, maybe not with words, but with the mere appearance of his eyes.

The look in her eyes was nothing he'd ever seen before, and the guilt was slowly ebbing at him. He couldn't do it, he couldn't break her heart. But he reminded himself that after this, the worst would be over and it could be smooth sailing from here on.

So he summed up the courage once again, praying that it would solidify, and faced the music.

"I've made a decision Meredith."

She nodded because all she could hear was the pounding of her heart against her chest. Her ears burned as she waiting for him to drop the bomb on their marriage. The next few seconds were the longest in her life, and she waited with baited breath as the final judgment was made.

He couldn't say it directly, and he had to intake a sharp breath to break it to her. There were things, he realized, that didn't require a straightforward path, rather the mere four-words that could make or break a heart with its implications. There was no way that he would find it in himself to be frank with her, because that would betray who he was as a person, as a doctor, as Derek Shepherd. So he settled on what he knew how to do best, and frowned.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith."

It was all he could say, because he couldn't break her heart and watch her face fall with apparent disappointment. He couldn't say it frankly because he didn't have it in himself, and he had to turn his gaze away to spare himself of a glimpse of Meredith's devastation. She was still his wife, and just as he told Addison, Meredith was once the only reason to get of bed in the mornings. So he looked away and waited as the silence enclosed the both of them, and he could hear his own heart beating rapidly against his chest. He was pained, and he didn't realize that he would feel this much pain. He knew he was going to be difficult, but he didn't expect the moments after to be more heartwrenching than he could imagine.

They stayed unmoving for a good few minutes before he found the courage to look at her fallen features, matching it with a pained one of his own. "Please say something," he whispered pleadingly, needing to draw consolation from her, because at a time like this, not even Addison could make him feel better, could justify his actions-- hurting a woman he loved regardless of the circumstances.

She looked up, her tears too proud to let loose, but her eyes betraying every emotion swarming in her body at the moment. Meredith opened her mouth to say something and stared at his blue eyes, honest and pleading. What would come out of her mouth next would change the course of their lives, especially the one Derek had mapped out not a few hours ago, with Addison. There would be no regret, not yet anyway, because she was a woman fighting for her husband, whether it be maturely or honestly.

"I'm pregnant," she declared, and with those two words, nothing in his life would go as planned yet again.


AN. Okay. I'm not sure if you expected that, but it'll add a twist to the plot. Thank you so much for reading and please tell me what you think. I'm seriously sorry for not being able to update sooner, but I hope this is enough to make you hate me less. Haha. =)

-marchingon