Hikigaya's POV
Yukinoshita and I...just what are we?
A month ago, that question might have been answerable. We're both students that attend the same school and are in the same club. Though Yukinoshita has never directly labeled me as a friend, I'd say we're at least pretty decent acquaintances with one another. As our experiences in the club began to draw us closer to each other, we subconsciously began to rely on each other. I relied on her strength, and she relied on my dependable nature. Though we've had our differences, it's safe to say that we've both attained a deep level of trust for each other. Yukino Yukinoshita is someone that knows who I really am, she's someone who I'll always be able to count on.
So what are we?
Are we close enough to be considered friends now? Does Yukinoshita even acknowledge me as a potential friend? The last time I asked, she rejected me instantaneously, with no hesitation. So what does this mean? Am I just looking for pity out of Yukinoshita, in hopes of being able to finally connect with a person?
"It's not impossible to find closure similar to that with another person in this world."
Could it be possible that...Yukinoshita has that closure for me?
Throughout my life, I've always been reminded of the deceptions of society. It lures you into false happiness and allows you to believe in pointless ideals that don't define true character. Being independent, straying away from everybody else...only then is when you can find your own true self. The idea of remaining alone promotes individualism and allows every single person to be their own selves. Foolish ideas like teamwork only sets you up for failure. When the day where you fall comes, you'll only be more damaged because of the fake protection you've always had. You'll never be exposed to the truth, and so you'll only deny it even more. Because you grew up with an ideal that was never correct to begin with, because you refused to learn what society truly is, you end up creating a world of convenient lies that are suited to agree with your ideals. In the end, you'll be reduced to nothing and be exposed for the fraud that you are, because of your false ideals you grew up with.
But at the same time, maybe it's possible that there's another side to this coin.
If isolation grants individualism, then what does genuine unity promote? Yukinoshita...is it possible that she's the only one who can genuinely understand and accept me? Unlike everybody else I've met, she also tends to be isolated from the rest of society. I know that she's had a difficult past because of her seemingly exceptional skill to accomplish anything perfectly, but I also know that that isolation can lead to loneliness. As much as I admire her strength, I know that deep down inside, what she truly needs is someone to rely on. Someone who will be able to embrace who the true Yukino Yukinoshita is. Most people that try to approach her do so only based on their knowledge of her character, not her personality. They fail to realize and see who Yukinoshita truly is, and thus, she strays away from everyone. Now that I think about it, I think I'm one of the only people who's truly gotten to know who Yukinoshita really is, and I suppose I can say the same for her as well. Looking back on our past experiences, I realize that I've actually told more to Yukinoshita than I have to anyone else. All my life, I've been denying those who try to come close me, but for the first time ever...it almost feel natural having Yukinoshita by my side. Why? What is the meaning of this?
"Hey Hikki, isn't your birthday coming up soon?" Yuigahama asked.
"Hm? Oh yeah, it's not that far off from now, why do you ask?" I responded back.
"Just making sure!" Yuigahama replied, cheerfully.
I've never really stressed the importance of my birthday, but we all celebrated Yukinoshita and Yuigahama's birthday too, so I suppose they think it's only fair to celebrate mine as well. Maybe this could serve as a time of reconnection after a long period of absence. Despite my return to the club, I can't quite say I've truly come back, in terms of my standing with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. It seems as if there's a barrier that I need to transcend in order to restore my ties with them. Although I'm not one for significant events in my life, this would definitely aid in my goal.
"Hmm, now that I think about it, what kind of gifts do you like receiving, Hikki?" Yuigahama asked.
"I don't really have a preference. If somebody gives me a gift, then I at least have to try to appreciate their gesture, even if I have to fake it."
"Huh? Gosh, you're so boring, Hikki! How am I supposed to give you the perfect present if you don't give me much to work with?"
"I mean, I just said that I don't really mind what I get since it's more about the thought than the actual gift itself. Why do you want to give something that would appeal to me that much anyways?"
"W-well...uh...d-don't be stupid! It's only natural for me to want to give you something that you would enjoy. After all, it's your birthday gift, and you just recently rejoined the club, so obviously this present should be a big deal!" Yuigahama claimed, defensively.
"Alright, if you insist so."
I'm really not for one when it comes to making elaborate plans for supposedly important events such as these. I don't see the point in celebrating a specific day over any other normal day. Going back to the example with birthdays, I don't see the point in making a big deal on that specific day. In reality, all a birthday really is, is just another regular day where one's age technically increases by a year. In my eyes, that's nothing worth celebrating over. In a way, it's almost ignorant to the fact that you're continuously aging. People look at birthdays as a way of realizing and celebrating that one is a year older. But shouldn't we compare ourselves of the past day, rather than the past year? If that's the case, then wouldn't birthdays, days that celebrate the fact that one is a day older, be more relevant and logical than what we call birthdays right now?
"Yukinon and I want to make this a memorable experience for all 3 of us. After all, you did come back after a long hiatus, and plus, you were there for both of us during our birthdays, so we should do the same."
"Oh, I see. Well, in that case, enlighten me with your gift, whatever that may be. Like I said, I don't really care about what the gift itself is."
"Even so, I still want to get you something that you would like…"
"Don't worry about it, Yuigahama. I'm sure that whatever you end up giving me will be a good enough gift to call perfect."
"Y-yeah! You're right! I'm going to get you a gift so good that you'll even smile for real!"
I almost gave a small chuckle of defeat. For a long time, I've been trying to find anything genuine and real in my life. Realizing that society is built on a foundation of lies, I want to know if anything real and pure really exists. While I haven't gotten any closer to my answer compared to day 1, I can say that Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are the only ones capable of helping me find my answer.
As Yuigahama walked away, I started to wonder if Yukinoshita was planning on doing anything special as well. I kind of assumed so since Yuigahama is apparently really invested in this, but all things considered, I still can't really get a read on her. Come to think of it, I honestly can't see Yukinoshita realistically giving me a present of any sort. The only things that she's ever "given" me were just food related items. Knowing her, I'm sure she probably doesn't even realize my birthday is coming up in the first place. And if she doesn't acknowledge it, then maybe in reality, Yukinoshita is the one giving me my so-called "ideal gift" of not making a big deal about my birthday.
Funny how life works out sometimes.
