Chapter 7: Wish you knew
Song: Courage is (by The Strange Familiar)
"ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"It helps, doesn't it?" Kurt remarked, standing behind him with a boyish grin.
"Yeah it's amazing. Never knew that screaming your lungs out at the sea would feel so good." The teenager replied, a little breathless and pink in the face.
"It helps to remove the pent-up emotions. And you do seem to have a lot of those."
"Yeah, I guess." Blaine sat down cross-legged on the breakwater, facing the vast expanse of the bluish-green sea glistening in the sunlight. It was low tide. Waves were lapping slowly and gently against the pale fine sand.
"So.. how are things with your parents? You talked to them today?" He took a seat next to the boy. Their shoulders touched. They could almost hear each rise and fall of a breath, each rhythm of a heartbeat.
"Nah. They left for work before I woke up." He tossed a pebble into the water. It landed with a soft splash, creating a beautiful pattern of ripples. "That's what they do best. Denying and escaping. Pretending nothing's wrong. Pretending the talk didn't exist. Pretending I'm who they want me to be."
"It takes time, Blaine. Everything in this world does."
"I don't know. I don't think they will ever accept me for who I am. It'll be unthinkable; imagine the terrifying humiliation of living in an up-town estate with a gay son! What would the wealthy, high-society neighbors think? It would be disastrous for the family's reputation." His voice dripped with bitter resentment.
"Blaine, your parents do love you – "
"I don't think so. They love the before-I-knew-you-were-gay Blaine. Not too sure if I still mean the same to them now." He mumbled, tossing another pebble, this time harder and further, into the sea. "And it hurts so damn bad, because I had let myself hope – hope like a blind fool – that they, of all people, will offer me just the tiniest bit of support I so desperately need. But they didn't."
He lifted his head and gazed blankly at the sky above him, watching silently at the clouds floating lazily across the pale blue blanket. He felt like one of them, drifting fortuitously from one place to another, lost and aimless in an endless, empty world. He could only be a passer-by – an outsider who could never actually belong. He would always be a stranger, even in his own home.
"Blaine, how long did it take for you to be completely comfortable with being gay?"
"Umm. I guess, recently? I dated a girl a while back.. just so to fit in at school. I knew it was a huge mistake from the start... "
"So you see, Blaine, if it takes you nearly fourteen long years to fully come to terms with your sexuality, you can't possibly expect your parents to be supportive in just a couple of days." Kurt placed a hand lightly on the boy's shoulder. "Give your parents a bit more time – a few months, or maybe even a couple of years, and believe me, they will eventually understand. Things will get better..."
"How do you know?" It was the same curious, expectant look, filled with doubt and disbelief mingled with just the slightest tint of hopefulness.
"I just do. Trust me."
"Okay, if you say so." The teenager turned toward Kurt. "Enough of me for now.. what about you, Mr H? How did your parents react when you told them?"
"Well thankfully, my dad was pretty understanding about it, much to my pleasant surprise." Kurt chuckled as the memory of his father frowning disapprovingly at his form-fitting sweaters came to mind. "As for my mum, I'd never know. Though I believe she would have been just as supportive. She passed away when I was barely six."
"I'm so sorry..."
"Oh don't be. It's a long long time ago. And I've long accepted it. That's life, Blaine. Occasionally sweet and rosy, but most of the time, it's a mega-bitch." A wave of resigned sadness swept over his features. "And sometimes, people just leave, suddenly, without reason, without warning. We may try to bring them back, but really, most of the time there's nothing we can do about it."
They stared ahead wordlessly. The sun was setting now, casting a warm, golden glow on the water. A pink-and-orange billow of foamy clouds hung above the sea.
"Mr H...?"
"Hmm?"
"Did you lose someone else dear to you? Besides your mom?"
The man sighed deeply. His heart twisted silently in a turbulent riot.
"Yes I did."
"Boyfriend?"
"Yeah. We met in high school. Went to separate colleges, lived through a long-distance relationship for four years, and stayed together for a while after we graduated. But then one day, he just left. Without even saying goodbye. And I never saw him since."
The man spoke with a detached dullness. He continued staring ahead, wondering how the pale crimson clouds could possibly transform so quickly into a dull, gray fog.
"It was a Monday night. When I came home, the apartment was empty. At first I thought that he was working late, but when he was still not back after midnight, I got worried. His phone was switched off. Phoned his colleague and was told that he had left work at seven. His parents didn't answer my calls either. And then the next morning, he sent me an email. It was a brief, curt message – barely even 3 sentences. He apologized, and said he had to go because he couldn't love me anymore. That very evening, he sent movers to our place. I shrieked and screamed and cursed and kicked. But the movers just came and left, leaving the house stripped bare of any last trace of him. I sat on the bedroom floor, crying through the night. I couldn't sleep on the bed for weeks... it smelt too much like him." He let out an abrupt laugh, forced and bitter. "Till his day, I had no idea what went wrong between us."
Kurt was now looking at the boy beside him. He searched desperately for answers in those beautiful hazel eyes. But he found none.
"You didn't quite believe him, did you? What he said, about not loving you?" The boy asked in a small voice brimming with such pure, genuine innocence that Kurt had to bite his lip to stop himself from screaming in tears.
"I had convinced myself he was lying.. and that there must be other plausible reasons why he had left so abruptly. But now, I'm not so sure. I started asking myself whether he had really stopped loving me." Blaine shifted a little uncomfortably under the intense gaze of those piercing blue-green eyes. "It had been three years, Blaine. Never once did he contact me. None of his friends seemed to know where he was. I couldn't even reach his parents; the neighbors said they'd moved away. "
"... I'm sorry for your pain, Mr H."
Kurt brushed away a lone drop of tear. If only he knew.
"You know what, Blaine? I've tried so hard all this while to move on but deep down inside, I know I can never let go completely. I still believe in him..and in us. I guess when you truly love someone, you can't bring yourself to give up on them, no matter how deeply they'd hurt you. Not entirely, at least. You'll always cling onto that last, tiny shred of hope no matter how bleak and tragic it all seems."
"You're an amazing person, Mr H. I hope you find your happiness back. "
"I hope so too, Blaine. I'm working on that. Doing all I can to seek the answers I need."
The sky darkened and blended in seamlessly with the sea to form a spread of deep gray. The fog was getting denser. It formed a thick veil over the water like a drawn white curtain, seemingly impenetrable to everything except the rays of light from a distant lighthouse.
"I wish I could be like you, Mr H. "
Kurt chuckled. "You have no idea of my imperfections, young lad."
"You're everything I wanna be. Eloquent and confident and proud of who you are. Whereas I'm dorky and timid and nervous all the time."
"Oh trust me, I used to be jumpy and awkward too when I was your age."
"And I really hate my zits and freckles and this ridiculously-stubbornly-curly hair. Urgh." Blaine tugged at a curl in disdain.
Kurt raised his eyebrow in amusement. "Are you serious? I think your hair's ador – ."
"And I'm so scrawny and hobbitish and – "
"Hey, hey, let's put an end to this negative self-judgment, alright? Look at me Blaine, your hair's gorgeous. And you've got one of the loveliest smile I've ever seen. And you've got a beautiful singing voice. Don't you worry about those blemishes, I can teach you all about proper skincare and moisturizing, which I'm sure, would solve all your skin problems in no time." He laughed at the expression of utter disbelief on the boy's face. "And I have to add, I think you're adorable."
Blaine lowered his eyes shyly.
"Alright I know what..." Kurt grinned as an idea hit him. "I listen to this every time I'm feeling upset or insecure. Never fails to make me feel better."
He stood up and pulled the boy up with him. Taking his hand, he started to sing.
"Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath.."
Blaine felt himself transported by the sheer beauty of the voice.
"Courage is... when you're afraid
But you keep on moving, anyway
Courage is... When you're in pain
But you keep on living, anyway.."
His hands feel really soft...
"We all have excuses why
Living in fear
Something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies
But the song he sings
It's not how many times
You've been knocked down
It's how many times
You get back up.."
How could anyone have such beautiful, expressive eyes?
"Courage is... When you've lost you way
But you find your strength, anyway
Courage is... When you're afraid
Courage is... When it all seems grey
Courage is... When you make a change
And you keep on living, anyway
You keep on moving, anyway
You keep on giving, anyway
You keep on loving, anyway.."
Blaine was sure that his cheeks and the tips of his ears were turning a bright crimson red. He knew he was smiling like a goofy kid, and was sure that he had lost all capacity for intelligible speech. This beautiful man beside him definitely knew how to make things better.
