Amber POV
It's so hot!
Too hot to think about anything else except being HOT!
I may have been born and raised in hella hot Texas, but I never did get used to the heat. I drove to work in an air conditioned car, worked in an air conditioned classroom, slept in an air conditioned apartment.
In other words, I was spoiled.
And right now I am so hot it wouldn't take much convincing to get me to kill someone for some A/C…especially if that someone was Gabriel.
I know I should get over it, let it go, But I just can't.
I will admit that he did offer to carry a bad for me…full of medicines I had made up and refused to leave behind.
Stop being such a bitch Amber.
I have been telling myself this for the last day now, but it's still not setting in all the way.
I always get so damned bitchy when I am hot. And right now I am hot, hungry, tired and walking in the blazing sun.
The cars ran out of gas the day before yesterday, since then we have been walking on foot, and in search of water.
Of which we have found none.
To look at us from a distance, we probably look like a pack of walkers. Shuffling along the roadway, mindless miserable looks on our faces…almost dead.
We don't even speak to each other. And I can tell from that that the heat is taking its toll on us in more ways than one.
We aren't breaking apart, but we are shutting ourselves off.
Maggie and Sasha most of all.
Maggie was just starting to make some progress, talk and be involved in the group again. Then we got stuck out here, and she has gone quiet again. Turned inward.
It's understandable…we are starving, thirsty, roasting all while she is grieving. The situation is making everyone, not just me, cranky and depressed.
About every mile Daryl, Carol and I take turns going to see if we can find any sources of water, but it's been over a week since it rained, and I don't think any of us are hopeful about finding any.
Its about three in the afternoon now, the hottest part of the day, and in an attempt to keep my mind off of how hot it is, I go ask Carl if I can hold Judy for awhile.
"Sure, want my hat to cover her with?"
"Nah, I have something I can use, you keep it" I tell him. My olive skin will hold up better to the sun than his fair skin will. He needs it.
I fall in behind him and struggle to get a shirt out of my bag, which is strapped to my back… I twist, and turn and stretch, but can't seem to reach.
Finally…I realize I can't stop the group, or fall behind them, that's how you end up like the dead antelope that got separated from the herd on the discovery channel.
And I can't reach what I need in my bag without doing just that…so…with shaking hands I begin to unbutton my outer shirt, the button pops loose, then the next one. And I am worried I might hyper ventilate as the idea of everyone here seeing my scars all at once is terrifying.
Then a stocky hand comes and rests over mine, I look to my right and into the big blue eyes of Daryl.
"If you want it" he says offering me his vest.
My hand is still shaking as I take it from him.
"Thank you" I tell him. He just nods and walks on next to me.
I stand corrected… It's not quiet too hot to think of nothing else.
I place the thick fabric over Judy's head to where she is covered, but still able to get what little breeze there is.
That little breeze wafts the scent of Daryl up to me. He smells like the woods. Like pine needles and dirt. I have spent the last few nights lying next to Daryl, it's turned into our routine, I draw or write, I ask him questions about the person I am working on if I have any, and then I fake falling asleep on his shoulder. He never says anything about me leaving, even when I wake up later and offer to move away from him.
All he says when I offer to leave him to sleep alone is;
"Nah, S'ok" and then holds me a little tighter.
He had said that first night that my head belonged on his chest, and he was right, I belong with him. Asleep in the woods, surrounded by the scent of pine needles and dirt.
No one says anything about our new sleeping arrangement, but then it's not like there is anything more than sleep going on with Daryl and I.
Everyone would know if there was, since we all sleep close enough to each other to hear snoring, little lone anything that remotely sounded like a night of passion.
Not that the idea hadn't played over and over in my mind on those nights.
More than once I had woken up from a dream that involved Daryl and I tangled up in each other on a bed of pine needles. Or even worse, been awake when he was dreaming of things that made him whimper or moan in my ear.
That was when it took all the will power I had not to reach down and slide my hand in his pants, by way of giving him a nice wake up call.
More than once I had even, under the guise of still being asleep, brushed my thigh across, or pressed my behind into his, very impressive, morning wood.
I knew very well Daryl wasn't going to make the first move; it wasn't in his nature to do so. And even a few weeks ago I wouldn't even have thought of making any move on him. But recently it's been different.
Daryl has been dropping, what I think for him, are hints that maybe there is more to us than just friends and hunting partners.
Worrying about me when I am gone, bringing me cereal bars, Letting me sleep next to him, and even just now…sparing me the embarrassment of showing my scars.
Those aren't things your average friend does for you.
"Want some" Daryl breaks in offering me his water bottle
"Nah, I will wait to drink until its dark. So I don't sweat it all out" I tell him.
"Smart for a city girl" he mumbles
"I didn't have much of a social life. So I read a lot."
"That how you know 'bout yer plants"
"Yeah, it was kinda a hobby of mine. Just never thought it would come in so handy."
"Pine needle tea" he says, referring to a drink we had a few days back. It tasted like shit, but it has some calories to it that we all needed.
"Pine needles always remind me of you" I blurt out. The sun must be getting to me.
"Why?"
"You always smell like pine needles and dirt"
"Sorry"
"No, it's good. I like it."
"Right now I just smell like sweat" he grumbles his face going a little redder.
"Well you don't see me complaining about the view"
"Huh"
"You look good all covered in sweat" I say…Too hot and tired to care that I am being brazen as I meet his eye and let my own linger on his physique for a moment.
Yep… definitely getting sun stroke.
He just drops his head for a moment, and then looks back at me, and I swear it went up a hundred degrees when he slides his eyes over me. The same way I just did him, then he twirls his bow and says just loud enough for me, and no one else, to hear.
"Looks good on ya too"
I literally shudder at his words, before he walks off and says he is going to look for water.
That's when I decide….fuck it… if we both make it out of this Death Valley alive. I AM going to make a move.
Come what may. We could die tomorrow…why not at least try to find happiness while we can.
Coming out and just jumping his bones was not going to work though. That would likely freak the hell outta him.
So, as hard as it was, and as long as it had been since I had to do it… I would need to seduce Daryl Dixon if I ever wanted anything other than dreams of him as mine, and in my bed.
I sigh and look a Judy
"Aunty Amber has her work cut out for her"
I don't have much to seduce him with. My biting wit? My cooking skills? My knowledge of medieval poetry?
That's not going to work…
Don't over think this Amber
I hear the voice of my friend Lori tell me. I miss her now…she always had the best advice on men.
Whatever you have been doing seems to be working. You just need to step it up a notch
Now that I could do.
Daryl POV
Way to go Daryl.
I think to myself as Amber walks away from me in a major huff. Just when everything was going so well, I have to go and fuck it all up.
I knew she wouldn't like it when she saw it, but I didn't think it would make her this MAD.
Amber and I had spent the last two days almost entirely with each other. And she had been even nicer to me than usual.
We didn't talk much during the day, but we always walked together and she had taken to complimenting me for stupid little things I always did. Like when I offered to carry a bag for her.
"No, you do so much for me already Daryl. I would feel bad asking you to do that too"
"Ya didn't ask. I offered"
She just smiled, hitched her bag higher on her shoulder and said…
"Just walk with me. I like having you by me."
And last night, after Sasha had shot those dogs and her and I skinned them, we ate together and talked about our families. I told her about my mom, what I could remember, she talked about hers and said
"I think my mom would have liked you"
"Riiight"
"No really, she would have. She was like me in that she appreciated a person who was honest. Straightforward. And that is definitely you Daryl Dixon."
"Never been one for pretendin"
"I know. That's one of the things I love about you. She would have liked it if I had brought you to dinner"
I stopped chewing my food at that one, and almost choked on a piece of meat.
Bring me home for dinner?
"Ain't never been brought home ta dinner"
"None of your girlfriends ever brought you home to meet their parents?"
"Never had whatcha would call a girlfriend. Not really tha boyfriend type"
"I think you are" She said.
"That's coz yer crazy" I tell her and immediately want to kick myself for it.
WHY Can I not say the right thing?
"Maybe" she answers me back with a smile that told me she wasn't mad at my foot – mouth comment "But that's part of my allure Daryl"
And then before she walked off, she leaned over and kissed the corner of my mouth. All I could do was sit there like an idiot.
Holy shit! Is she flirting with me?
She did say she would have taken me home to meet her mom, and she kinda kissed me. How did this woman make me feel like a damned teenager!?
I had more one night stands than I cared to admit, but one damned "sorta" kiss from her and I lose my shit.
"Here" she said handing me another piece of meat "You scarfed down those other two so fast, and there is plenty left over"
I take it from her with a thank you, and begin to eat. Looking up a few minutes later I see her sucking on a tiny bone that must have been in her piece.
Like a god damned teenager I think as my mind immediately heads to the gutter.
Earlier in the day when we stopped for the day Amber has laid her bag down in front of me and rummaged around in it for her book.
At first I thought nothing of it, but then when she said "Found it!" and I looked down…Christ!
She was looking up at me from her spot in front of me…on her fuckin knees!
"Good" was all I could say in a clearly strangled throaty voice. Willing myself to not think about how I would like to run my finger through her hair while she sucked me off.
Baseball, Baseball, BASEBALL!
Now…I was beginning to think she is trying to give me a damned heart attack.
She looked up and caught me staring…and I know she had to have seen the outright desire in my eyes, but she never looked away, she just held my gaze.
Two can play that game
still locked into her eyes, I took each finger of my left hand, bring it to my mouth, suck of the remaining juice of our meal, and drag it past my lips with a soft "pop".
I have thought so many times how I would like to slip my fingers inside her body, and pleasure her until my hand is soaked. Then do what I just did, lick off every…last…morsel of her flavor from my fingers.
"You're killing me Dixon" was all she said.
All I could do was grin back her.
At least now I knew what kind of game we were playing, but she gained the upper hand that night as we settled in for the night.
"It's so damned hot" she said as the fire began to die out.
She reared up, hair falling around her shoulders, and straddled her knees of either side of my hips, pulled off her outer shirt she always wore, and leaned over to my left, where she had placed her bag, putting it in the zippered compartment.
She didn't need to straddle me to put her shirt in the bag, but I wasn't going to complain. In fact, without even knowing I had done it, my hands were resting on her hips, as I stared at her.
She just looked down on me and smiled wider than ever before
"While I do enjoy this…position…Daryl. I am tired and I can't sleep ON you."
"Oh sorry" I said moving my hands off her like her skin was on fire.
She laughed a little at me, and while that normally would have annoyed me, I don't like being laughed at, I guess I had it coming. The fact that she had given up wearing a bra a few days ago also helped me not mind as her laughter made her whole body shake.
When she had taken her usual place next to me, and I finally calmed down enough to fall asleep, I heard her whisper, right before I fell off to sleep;
"Who is killing who now"
She was still asleep when I woke up this morning, and I took a few moments to watch her sleep. She looked content, laying there on my chest, one hand tucked in under her chin, the other thrown across my chest.
I could get used to this
Then she stirred awake. And I looked down into her still sleepy eyes
"Mornin Sunshine"
"Hrmmgrrh… morning." She yawned, standing up "Were you watching me sleep?"
I shrug
"Stalker" she smiled
"Avid observer" I correct her. She just rolled her eyes at me and reached for her shirt.
I grab her hand and ask her as gently as I can
"Don't?"
"Why?" she asks with wide eyes
"It's too hot to wear it. Sides,…" I took a deep breath… "You're fine tha way ya are. I like you just how ya are"
I know she couldn't see it, but I was shaking like a leaf when I said that. Opening up to her like that, even though I am more open with her than anyone else, was scary as fuck.
But her soft smile, and how she looked at me, made it all worth it.
"I like you just how you are too." She said dropping the shirt "because it was you who asked." She tells me. Then stands on her tip toes, and places a kiss on my jaw.
Everything was going to well, I had been brave, and she had been bold.
Then I went and fucked it all up.
"You have to let yourself feel it"
That is what Carol had said. And she was right, I hadn't dealt with any of the losses we had, not only Beth, but Hershel, Bob and Tyreese. Even loosing the Prison…the first thing that felt like home since the world went to hell.
The problem was, I couldn't feel. When you spend your every waking moment just "carrying on", you don't even have time to let yourself grieve. It's like there are more important things to do, so you just keep telling yourself….later.
I just wanted to feel something, so there I was, smoking a cigarette. And it made perfect sense at the time.
Pain is a feeling close to grief.
So I did it.
I burned myself…
Then the feelings flooded forth.
Beth, Hershel, Bob, Tyreese…they deserved tears.
And finally they came.
Amber POV
I am standing with the others, staring at the water when Daryl gets back.
Rick shows him the paper that reads "FROM A FRIEND" and he flips. Worry and confusion are written on his face.
"Quality assurance" Eugene says taking a bottle. No one reacts but Abraham, and I wonder if that because we think Eugene is expendable, or, and more likely, because we are all too damned tired to react faster.
"It has to rain sooner or later" Rick tells us…and the heavens open.
Its official…Rick Grimes is the rain god!
I tip my head back and open my mouth, letting the rain into my parched mouth.
It feels AMAZING…And for the first time in a long time… I am utterly giddy with happiness.
I laugh out loud and, I am ashamed to say, do a twirl or two in the rain before I lay down next to Tara and Rosita.
I look at Daryl and see him standing in the rain, bow in hand, smiling at me. And he looks happy.
"Use everything ya can to collect it" Rick yells and we all spring into action.
Daryl hands me a bottle and that is when I see it.
I am all too familiar with what self inflicted wounds look like, and I know a cigarette burn when I see it.
I am not sure why, but I feel betrayed.
"Why would you do that?"
I ask him, already knowing by heart any and all answers he could give me.
"I…I just…" he stammers
"You just needed to WHAT Daryl?"
"Feel" he tells me dropping his head in shame.
"Don't I make you feel anything!? You could have talked to me…you should have come to me. Jesus Daryl!" I snatch the bottle from his hand, so angry that I am shaking.
"What tha fuck Daryl?" I ask walking away, not waiting or even wanting an answer.
The bottles and jugs are filling up fast and I cannot bring myself to look at Daryl as they top off.
"We need to find shelter!" Rick calls out and Daryl answers
"There is a barn!"
It's not far, a half a mile maybe, and we all trudge there in silence. It's small, but looks sturdy. When we get inside we all set about finding a place for the night, because the storm outside doesn't sound like it is going to let up any time tonight.
Daryl I notice picks a horse stall in the back of the barn, and me…well I just throw my shit down and fish out some, mostly, dry cloths.
Rick and Noah get a fire going, and I sit with them for a while to dry my hair and warm up. Daryl is opposite of me, and I think everyone must notice that I am not in my usual spot next to him because they remain quiet.
Daryl won't meet my eye, and I am not sure if I am glad of that, or if it just pisses me off more.
Finally I can't take the silence anymore and leave the fire for my bed.
I roll up some clothes, stuff them under my head and try to sleep.
But my mind won't shut off. And after awhile, I hear Daryl's distinct shuffle as he paces the dirt floor, not too far from me.
Then I hear my mother's long gone voice in my head.
I'm not mad at you Amber…I'm just hurt. When you hurt yourself you hurt me too. And I feel like I should be able to fix it and I can't. And it's frustrating and I feel bad that I can't make you happy.
Mom…I miss her so much.
She and I had conversations like that all the time…over and over and over in my teen years when my cutting was at its worst.
I sigh into my makeshift pillow… I'm not mad at Daryl.
I'm mad at me.
I thought he was getting happier, thought I was making him happier, I thought I was helping him. And then to find out that he still was feeling bad enough to do that to himself. It made me feel like a failure.
Get over yourself Amber
it had nothing to do with me personally, any more than my cutting had anything to do with my mother. It just was, it helped me cope…helped me…feel.
I was never unhappy with my mother, I loved her more than anyone else, but other things would creep into the peripheral of that love and take over from time to time.
And then I would hurt myself…and I would feel better, normal, alive.
"Feel" is what Daryl had said. I didn't get it until now.
Mom never understood how I couldn't get how she felt…but I do now.
Jesus Amber… you are being a bitch.
Poor Daryl had only tried to cope, the same way I had, and I was giving him the silent treatment for it? He probably felt like a failure, or like I didn't like him anymore…or that I thought he was a freak.
Its how I would have felt had my mother or friends treated me, how I treated him.
I sit up, determined to go talk to Daryl and explain myself, if I even can.
And to definitely apologize to him.
I listen for his shuffling, but it's gone, and now all I hear is the barn door knocking against its jambs, so I look over there, hoping like crazy he didn't walk out in this storm.
Instead of one man…I find fourteen people pressed up against the door.
Walkers!
I join the huddle and press my full weight against the door for what seems like forever as the storm rages on outside the barn.
It may sound stupid, but all I keep thinking is;
We can't die like this, not now. I need to apologize first!
And I get that chance.
Sometime later when the storm has died down, and we all feel that it's safe to leave one person on the door, we all try to get some sleep.
I go back to my roll, and wait for everyone else to bed down, I wait until its dark and quiet and then I silently pick up my bags and tiptoe over to the door of the horse stall Daryl chose as his bed for tonight.
There is the tiniest creek of the hinges as I open the door and Daryl turns towards me and sits up, knife in hand.
"It's just me" I whisper, dropping my bags on the floor.
"Come to yell at me again?"
"No. I came to doctor you up." I say turning on the dim little camping lantern I have, and pulling a small bottle full of green liquid out of my bag.
"Can I see your hand?" I ask meekly, and Daryl hesitates, but doesn't say no, or tell me to go to hell.
I am sitting cross legged by his side, and I reach across and gently gather up his one hand with my two. He doesn't pull it away from me, so I continue.
First I wash the burn with water, then I take a clean cloth and dab the liquid on it.
"This is going to hurt, but it will keep it from getting infected"
Still no answer, and when I apply the Usnea tincture he doesn't even flinch. That's when I know he isn't going to make this easy on me. But then, why should he? I am the one in the wrong here.
As I apply the gauze, and wrap it up for the night, I pull his hand to my cheek and whisper…
"Daryl please look at me"
Slowly he turns his head and eyes up to me. He looks so unsure, and guilt floods through me that I am the reason for it.
"I am so sorry Daryl! I was wrong to react the way I did. It just scared me and I reacted badly. I understand if you are still pissed at me, I really do. But I wanted you to know that I know I was wrong. I care about you so much and I hate to see you hurting. I guess I was madder at myself for not being any help to you when I thought I was"
I know I am babbling but I am not really sure how to explain it.
"Whaddya mean?" He asks.
I stop and take a breath.
Here goes nothing…
"I thought our…friendship was at least making you happier. And when I saw the burn it felt like I failed you. I want to make you happy but I know I'm not."
"You are"
"I am?"
"It wasn't about you. I just needed to … let it out. And I needed a little help breaking down the wall. Ya know"
"I do know. I just don't want you to hurt yourself to do that. There are better ways" I tell him
"Yeah…I know" he mumbles and rubs the back of his neck.
"I just didn't want you thinking I was mad at you, or thought bad of you. When I was just…frustrated and mad at myself"
"I get it"
"Do you forgive me?" I ask him with my heart beating in my head.
"Already done." He smiles at me.
I smile back at him and pull him into a hug…god it feels so good. And I want to stay, but I know Daryl probably wants his space. So I pull away and gather up my stuff to leave.
"Where ya goin?"
"I know you probably want your space. And you need your sleep"
"Sleep better when yer with me" he confesses timidly and I admit it, I light up at his confession.
"Really?"
"Mmmm hmmm"
"Are you sure?" I ask before I will put down my bags.
"Said so, didn't I?"
I put the bag down and curl up next to him, with my head on his shoulder and my leg draped over his.
This is where I belong
its dark in our stall when I say
"Please don't do that to yourself again."
"Wont"
"you said I was making you happy"
"Yeah"
"Is there anything else I can do to make you happy"
"Yer doin it" he says and pulls me in a little closer to him. "Whaddabout me?"
"What about you?"
"Do I make you…." I know why he can't bring himself to say it. He isn't used to the idea of being something that would make a person happy. And for that I just want to murder his father, but he is already dead. So I will just have to settle for finished the sentence for him.
Its something I have got used to…being the way for Daryl to say something without him actually having to say it. Almost like a mouthpiece to the parts of himself he isn't too familiar with yet.
"Do you make me happy?"
"Mmmmm hmmm" is his answer as I can feel his body tense up next to me…still so used to rejection that he thinks I am going to say "no".
I prop myself up on an elbow and look at him until, after a few moments, he looks back at me.
"You make me very happy Daryl" I tell him softly and lean in, pressing my lips to his.
I know I should pull away, but I don't, I can't.
I leave my lips laying on his, and after a few seconds I feel Daryl's hand reach around to the base of my skull, threading through my hair, as he pulls me into a crashing kiss.
It's better than all the times I have imagined it, his lips softer, his tongue more skilled and his mouth more amazing than I thought.
without breaking the kiss I move to straddle his hips like I did the other day, I scrap my finger nails across his scalp and he growls into the kiss and bucks his pelvis up into mine., causing me to break the kiss and moan into the darkness.
"Shhhh Darlin" he tells me with a cocky smirk I have never seen on him before… but that I like the look of.
I drop my hips and roll them into his very evident arousal, which makes him moan louder than I had.
"You were saying?"
"Shuddup" he says playfully as he grabs a fist full of my hair and brings my mouth back to his. I find his other hand with my own and guide it under my shirt and up.
"Wanted to touch these since I met ya" he tells me with heavy lidded eyes and that same cocky grin as he pinches a nipple.
I rip the shirt over my head and let my hands fall on his belt, but then… Daryl grabs my wrist.
"Not here Darlin" he says in a whisper, pressing his lips to my ear
I must look utterly confused, because when he pulls away and looks at me, he sniggers a little, then goes serious again.
"You deserve better than some rickety old barn"
Oh Daryl…
I don't have words for how his saying that makes me feel, treasured, valued, respected…all of those and more.
It take my breath away, and all I can do is smile wide at him and wrap my arms around him tightly.
"Sides…" he says when I pull away "Smells like horse shit in this barn"
That makes me laugh so loud that I don't even care if I wake people up. Even Daryl laughs with me, then kisses me sweetly when I have put my top back on and laid down next to him again.
"Thank you Daryl" I tell him as I feel myself fading fast.
"Fer what"
"For being you"
